As a proud trans-positive community, we asked queer, trans, disabled sex blogger Quinn Rhodes to explore in their own words whether trans and non-binary people feel visible and welcome in kink spaces and the wider BDSM community.
Are there trans people in the kink community?
In my experience, there are many overlaps between the queer and the kink communities. I think this is because queer folks cannot follow societally imposed sexual scripts and are forced to look elsewhere, broadening their idea of what pleasure and play can look like.
This is true of trans people, too. Kinky acts like pegging might simply be how a trans guy has sex. Someone with gender dysphoria about their genitals might find kink easier than traditional sex acts to experience intimacy with their partner. For some (though certainly not all), playing with gender within kink is how they begin to step into their transness. That was my experience. It was a BDSM scene where my partner spanked me and jerked off my dick that made me realize that maybe I was trans.
Many kinksters have experienced the feeling of being 'other' even if they're straight, white, abled and cisgender. We're told that kinky acts are perverse. Many kinksters have worried that they're "wrong" in some way, and shouldn't want the things they want.
Being transgender and kinky
Despite the above, some kinksters still perpetuate transphobia, racism, and ableism. While many people find a community within kink, there are also those who don't feel welcome in kink spaces – especially Black, Indigenous and other people of color, and disabled and neurodivergent folks. I'm trans, and kinky, but I wouldn't be able to walk into a munch and trust that I wouldn't be misgendered.
It's one reason why I've not made a bigger effort to seek out my local BDSM community. It's far from normalized to introduce yourself with your pronouns at a munch, which forces a trans person to draw attention to their transness in a situation where they don't know how others will react. I worry that if I attended a play event, I couldn't do a scene with anyone: I couldn't trust that they weren't seeing me as a woman.
International Transgender Day of Visibility (March 31st) exists, in part, to highlight this struggle. Even in 2022, trans people are still fighting for rights, and it can feel like we aren't making much progress. Few trans people move through the world free of the fear that they're not seen as their gender.
Let's take male Dom/fem sub events. I'm a switchy trans guy – could I go with a submissive girlfriend or femme play partner? Would it be ok if my partner was transfeminine, or would people assume that I'm the submissive? Would I be welcomed if I was wearing a skirt and not binding, thus was read as a cis woman? Would my acceptance as a male Dominant be dependent on me "passing"?
Maybe I'm projecting my insecurities. I don't doubt that if I contacted the event organizer beforehand, they'd be fine with my attendance. I'm sure that other couples at a male Dom/female sub event would be too involved in their own play to gatekeep my gender presentation.
My assumptions aren't baseless, however. Many trans and non-binary kinksters choose only to attend kink events that queer or trans people organize. Plenty of trans people avoid events where the organizers don't mention what they're doing to be inclusive of trans and non-binary people. Others reach out beforehand, just to be sure that they're actually welcome.
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A group of friends of varying genders taking a selfie. Credit: The Gender Spectrum Collection (Vice.com) Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) license
Welcoming trans people in the kink community
If there isn't a deliberate effort to include trans people in kink spaces, most of us will feel uncomfortable. We worry that we'll be misgendered; we fear that we won't be safe as trans people experience transphobia within the BDSM community. We experience transphobia in every area of our lives; it would be absurd to think that kink spaces are different.
I'm not saying that no kink spaces welcome trans people or that no trans people feel like they belong in the kink community. The kink community overlaps with the queer and trans communities: trans people have always existed in kink spaces. Kinksters' willingness to transgress societal idea of what "normal" sex is, means that some are more open to trans people.
But, there’s still a long way to go. While trans people have always been in kink spaces, that doesn't mean that the BDSM community reflects that. Trans people are rarely the event organizers or staff. We don't see ourselves represented in kink spaces - visibility is important. Even if people are accepting, a venue might still have male and female toilets. It's exhausting to be trans and always having to educate others about and constantly justify our identity. People go to kink events to play and find a community where they can be themselves. Trans people should be able to be themselves in kink spaces too.
Quinn Rhodes (he/him) is a queer, trans, disabled sex blogger. He's a sex nerd with vaginismus who writes about his vagina anxiety, mental illness, and adventures in learning to fuck without fucking up. Quinn can usually be found wearing stomp-on-the-patriarchy boots while falling in love every time he fucks. Quinn writes about sex at onqueerstreet.com and trans inclusivity at benicetotrans.com.
This article was previously published to mark International Transgender Day of Visibility.
Everyone is welcome here in our kinky community and we firmly believe that trans rights are human rights. We stand up against transphobia. Discover what you can do to combat it and be trans-positive.-min.jpg.f16050a154e14d14bfb1fb9d5a657671.jpg)
All images: model released from The Gender Spectrum Collection (Vice.com) Creative Commons (CC BY-NC-ND 4.0) license
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