How do I get my subs to spank me?..

[DrMacEoin]

I’m a Dom but I do have some switch tendencies, especially in the S/m or Top/Bottom spaces.

Sometimes

I crave to be tied up to a bed and get my brains spanked out of me
With a tawse
WITHOUT
Relinquishing my Dom status

Years ago I talked my sub into doing it (and into some other Top activities… shy smile and hush hush).
Later on she said she was “disgusted and would never do it again”. That session put a strain on our relationship and we finally broke up.

A year ago
I tried to talk my new sub into similar activities
She reluctantly did some BUT THIS TIME I felt that it was time to stop, the sub was not into it at all.

Note that I’m not looking for a new partner or for a Dom
It’s just that
SOMETIMES
I want to feel as much p@!n as my subs… preferrably, even MORE (the Dom is supposed to be harder than his subs, by definition).

Advices?..

[So****]

If they're not interested, you don't...

[Da****]

Find a switch to play with.

[SadoDaddy2024]

So you're question is, how do I be coercive enough to.make someone, do something, I want but they aren't interested in...

You don't, simple as, you find a switch or a dominant to do it

[Deleted Member]

you ask, simples. If you don't want to appear submissive do that old "show me how you want it" and belittle their efforts whilst they do.

[Si****]

I wouldn't ask my sub, I'd find a Dom or disciplinarian to do it.

[Bracken]

Find a domme to do it and stop making people who don’t want to

[DrMacEoin]

8 hours ago, SadoDaddy2024 said:

So you're question is, how do I be coercive enough to.make someone, do something, I want but they aren't interested in...

You don't, simple as, you find a switch or a dominant to do it

So instead of answering, you just rephrased my question and put it in a somewhat different perspective… and that made me see it clearer. Sometimes… the question already contains an answer, it just has to be digged out. I am grateful for your wisdom. [that is not sarcasm, I am grateful indeed]

[DrMacEoin]

8 hours ago, ***fullyGentle said:

you ask, simples. If you don't want to appear submissive do that old "show me how you want it" and belittle their efforts whilst they do.

Actually, that's a very interesting option, thank you for the advice!

[DrMacEoin]

@Bracken @SirBDSM71 @Daddy-N-Panda @SouthLondonLeather

Yes, of course, find a Dom… simple answer for a complicated situation…

And what if

I'm in a monogamous relationship?.. And that previous experience was also monogamous?..

And I'm not into sleeping around? And I'm not into being a sub myself so I can't have a relationship with a Domme?..

It's more about S/M switching, not D/s switching…

[Da****]

If your current sub is not interested or willing, then you will need to go without. You can't *** or coerce your current sub or anyone for that matter into doing it.

[DrMacEoin]

@Daddy-N-Panda and everyone

Actually

My question is conceptually similar to someone seeking a marital advice:

"My wife doesn't want to give me head but I love it. Advices?"

"My husband only wants to sit and watch telly but I want to go to the theater with him. Advices?"

The worst possible answer to this is "LOL get a divorce and find a new one LOL".

 

It's not really about coercing. I DID try coercing before and it ended up badly.

My question was more about how to negotiate it, and I was looking for PRACTICAL advices from someone who's BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

 

[DrMacEoin]

On 9/15/2024 at 6:30 PM, SadoDaddy2024 said:

So you're question is, how do I be coercive enough to.make someone, do something, I want but they aren't interested in...

You don't, simple as, you find a switch or a dominant to do it

After a day of mulling this over… actually… NO.

It's not about being coercive. I had tried this and it didn't work.

It's more about negotiating and finding a common ground.

It's more about… SELLING an idea

It's more about… MARKETING a product

WITHOUT selling myself short

Here comes the Catch-22

The conundrum which I haven't been able to crack

And was hoping for an advice from the Esteemed Peerage

Edited September 17 by DrMacEoin
typo

[SadoDaddy2024]

23 minutes ago, DrMacEoin said:

After a day of mulling this over… actually… NO.

It's not about being coercive. I had tried this and it didn't work.

It's more about negotiating and finding a common ground.

It's more about… SELLING an idea

It's more about… MARKETING a product

WITHOUT selling myself short

Here comes the Catch-22

The conundrum which I haven't been able to crack

And was hoping for an advice from the Esteemed Peerage

However you dress it, you are asking for advice, on how to convince someone to do what you want, even if it isn't what they want. You're asking to be given the skills to enable you to convince someone, to give you what you crave, to convince a sub, to act as a switch because you want it, even if they don't. If they aren't a switch, if they aren't switch curious, you don't try & "negotiate" them in to being one. 

[Da****]

No matter how you want to word it, still sounds like you are trying to get your current sub to do something they are not comfortable with or want to do. I don't I don't think there's a way to negotiate what you're trying to do with them.

[DrMacEoin]

@Daddy-N-Panda @SadoDaddy2024

I am sorry my dear chaps,
but I beg to differ.

It was not a coincidence I mentioned vanilla marriage problems; thinking about it reminded me about a situation æons ago… my then-girlfriend was only interested in watching YouTube and I was interested in extreme sports… so I was trying to sell her an idea of XC-skiing and MTB-biking… it met with a lot of resistance… but with some coaxing… sweet talk… and maybe some *** [I’m a Dom after all]… she got into it… I paid quite a lot of sweet cash for her skis and top-level bicycle… she was starting to like it…

Fast Forward a few years

We’re breaking up
I had been living in her apartment so I had to pack my things
And
She yelled
“Don’t you dare touch MY skis or MY mountain bike!!! I love them so much!!! I’ll be riding them long after you’re gone!!!”

Oh and it works both ways, obviously.
Another of my girlfriends sweet talked me into latino dance lessons… something that I had been COMPLETELY NOT interested before.
Fast Forward one week
In my free time I’m searching for Romeo Santos on YouTube to practice my moves

So how does my question differ from
“I love XC skiing but my wife doesn’t, advices?”
“I love latino dances but my husband doesn’t, advices?”

Edited September 17 by DrMacEoin
typo

[SadoDaddy2024]

Comparing turning a sub to switch, for your benefit, even if they have no interest in it, to asking someone to try your hobby, is a bit worrying

[Th****]

No matter how many times you're presenting these scenarios using whatever words you want to use doesn't change the fact that you're discussing ***, full stop. If you make to "sell, market, convince, sweet talk" it's still ***. The vanilla "marital advice" examples you give are *still* ***. It's all quite icky really, definitely some 🚩🚩

Separately... if you purchase something *for* someone else regardless of the reason it's pretty bad form to think you have any right to them in a breakup. Even if they never touched the thing and they sat in storage, the item ceases to be yours once you buy it for someone else and gift it to them. 

As for the monogamous relationship portion... being tied up and beaten with a tawse isn't sex. So... discuss with your partner... "I understand this isn't something you enjoy or are comfortable with. Would you be comfortable of I found a disciplinarian or sadist who would be willing to top me in this way?" Options would be public pickup play at a Dungeon or finding a Pro and paying them for their services. 

In comparison to the sports or anything else you enjoy that your partner has no interest in... they don't have to participate in order for you to still enjoy things.  It's not exactly healthy to expect your partner to do *everything* with you. If you like sushi, thai, Indian food and they don't, you simply go to those restaurants when you aren't dining together, go alone or with friends, same with skiing, mountain biking, rock climbing or whatever. 

Honestly if this is such an important thing for you to recieve from a partner, it should have been part of the getting to know each other stage and initial negotiations *before* entering into a relationship. 

[Th****]

21 hours ago, SadoDaddy2024 said:

Comparing turning a sub to switch, for your benefit, even if they have no interest in it, to asking someone to try your hobby, is a bit worrying

Except what was presented didn't sound like it was simply asking a partner to try their hobby. That sounded pretty coercive as well. 

[CopperKnob]

OP, reading through your posts and ensuing comments on each, I would suggest some introspection.

[Th****]

On 9/15/2024 at 12:38 PM, ***fullyGentle said:

you ask, simples. If you don't want to appear submissive do that old "show me how you want it" and belittle their efforts whilst they do.

He's already stated his partner is uncomfortable with it, he has his answer there.

Your suggestion also doesn't work if the partner isn't into impact themselves or into being belittled or degraded. Bottoming doesn't have anything to do with submission, if either partner feels that it does they have some stuff to unpack and work on. 

I'm a Dom but I enjoy impact and certain amounts of *** due to being a sensation seeking individual and masochist in that regard. My sub knows it's something I like quite a lot and he's comfortable with it so it's part of our play, simple as that. 

[Ba****]

To follow on from Thalia, it’s official name is service topping. You Top as a submissive. But, as with everything, enthusiastic, informed consent is needed. Without that, it’s just a law suit.

[DrMacEoin]

The more I think about this topic,
The more stories surface from the deep recesses of my memory, both from the kinky and the cotidien parts of life.
Sharing some of them for light evening reading. Please note that all of those anecdotes are real and personal, not made-up parables!

> My bonnie girlfriend made herself a sandwich with some kind of cottage cheese. For me, it smelled and even looked DISGUSTING. I’m still not sure how she managed it, but she coaxed me into trying it.
Next morning
I asked her to make TWO cottage cheese sandwich, one of them for me.

> I absolutely love scuba diving; years ago I tried to persuade my girlfriend into it so that we could dive together.
She was adamant: “It’s too dangerous, the training is too rigorous and demanding, you have to pass stupid exams, and then you’d have to spend loads of *** on buying 100 kilos of ridiculosuly-looking gear! All I want on my vacation is to don a bikini and go swimming!”
Yet I persisted
It took me two years or so
And she decided to try diving, just to try it…

…several years and several diving certificates later…
I wanted to spend our vacation hiking in the glens and the highlands
She would have NONE OF IT
“All I want for my vacation is to don 100 kilos of ridiculously-looking gear and go deep diving every day! Oh and how about we do a decompression course next year?..”

Kinky examples

> A wee lass was ABSOLUTELY NOT into anal.
I coaxed and negotiated and we had it. Then once again. Then more.

Well, we don’t have it as often as I’d like, but when we do…
Cor blimey…
She has an industrial-grade orgasm which sends violent shudders through her whole body
and leaves her just lying there
looking at the ceiling
with a thousand-yard stare

> Some time ago I was chatting with a Domme who told me her story.
She had been a submissive bottom and loved taking orders.
Then she had a new boyfriend.
Who was secretly into femdom…
He coaxed her into trying it… and the rest is history:
“I got hooked on it… and now I can’t even imagine being a sub again! I am so much into being a Top Dominatrix, I wouldn’t even talk to a man who isn’t servile and supplicating!”

 

The morale of those stories is
All of us had been HIGHLY RESISTANT and reluctant to those “new” things
Yet our partners managed to persuade, coax, negotiate, coerce…
…and we ended up LOVING those things.

If our partners had followed the general advice here… to take “no” as a final “no”… then WE would have been so much POORER in our experiences…

[DrMacEoin]

2 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

Except what was presented didn't sound like it was simply asking a partner to try their hobby. That sounded pretty coercive as well. 

@SadoDaddy2024

Sure.

Pretty worrying.

a) her/me trying their new hobby: driving to the other part of the city twice a week, after work, exhausted, paying *** for the lessons, studying hard, passing the exams, practicing that thing over and over again

vs

b) spanking someone for five minutes once in a blue moon

[Ba****]

I’m reading your responses and they’re worrying me. It sounds like you mentioned it, got told no, mentioned it, got told no, and repeat until you mentioned it and convinced them to try.

This is called *** and it is not the same as consent.

The he whole post is honestly feeling like you’re parading your “wins”

Ultimately, the simple answer to your original question is still… you say “hey, I am into xyz” your partner says “I am/not into xyz” can you find a middle ground where you’re both happy if they don’t want what you do? You sound like you’ve been around for a while, this is basic stuff that your comments suggest you have a grasp of so I’m not sure why you even posted. @ThaliaV… thoughts?