Question about vetting first dom

[lo****]

Hi there! I went to my first fetish event in September with curiosity and open mind, not expecting anything big. I met a dom with whom I instantly felt easy, good vibe. We met over the weekend, I got some solid, much needed spanking, we played, chatted, did some nice spontaneous things. A lot of honesty and communication, I felt good about it. My new dom texted me regularly, about everyday stuff and giving me some tasks like sending nudes or kneeling for a minute or two. Easy breezy, exciting.
Then he went radio silent without any warning, I didn’t think much, apparently he ghosted me. It happens, right? Life goes on. After few days I got a message that it was a task for me - to wait, get some distance and now to describe how I felt.
Maybe I don’t get bdsm as a newbie, but I assumed we would communicate. For me it was lack of respect and I don’t feel I want to continue since I lost trust. Is it normal practice for doms to use cheap manipulation techniques? Am I overreacting?

Tldr: my new dom micro-ghosted me on purpose, I am confused - is it just rude or a standard?

[IA****]

This isn’t a usual thing in my personal experience, but it’s not a red flag by any means. The best thing to do is to discuss boundaries and things you are or are not comfortable with.

[Deleted Member]

If he wanted you to wait as a task, it would have been more appropriate to tell you what he was doing first. Communication is paramount and he broke that expectation for you. If you want to keep the relationship, tell him that being ignored and ghosted is a boundary and see if he respects you back.

[Le****]

This can be a red flag depending, doing something like that without informing you seems like a way to make you crave them and their attention which with informed consent is one thing but without it seems more a manipulation tactic and could lead to more issues down the road.

[du****]

I would say if u felt that way stay clear lots of weirdos here on fet any excuse to be massively weird . Thin line

[Mo****]

Not cool. Open, honest, and timely communication is the standard in a D/s relationship. In fact that is right in my list of rules. Beyond that....there's no good positive psychological effect. It's just psychological *** really. Run away.

[Se****]

You get BDSM, and you know this isn’t right. It wasn’t a task at all because if it was it would have been discussed up front and negotiated - how did he know you were safe/in a good headspace to deal with a “mindf*ck”? How did he know it wasn’t a limit?

Maybe I’m cynical in my old age (maybe I’ve just seen too many awful Dom’s or those who think they are but have no clue) but I’d suggest he was actually ghosting you and something brought him back.

That said, IF you feel he deserved a second chance (and it’s a big if) then I’d start by asking friends on the local scene if they might know him/have any concerns. Given that you met him at a fetish event I’d assume someone knows him.

[Pa****]

This sounds like a red flag

[Nc****]

I don't like this.Kink is about informed consent and unless you talked about doing stuff like this before he played with your emotions and then said it was a test. That's a big red flag for me. He's using kink to test how you behave to situations that might not be nice to learn how to control you.

[Al****]

Communication is key in kink. You both have your respective roles in the relationship. However, communication is expected from both parties. Express how you feel about your expectations and boundaries. Ghosting whether in kink or non kink is a big no go for me. But please advocate for yourself bc you are important too.

[Mr****]

I can only second what's already been said; while not exactly the kind of thing you think of when you think of red flags, this pseudo ghosting/mind game is something that needs to be discussed. Communication and trust are the foundation of any relationship, and are absolutely key for the D/s dynamic, so this behavior is unacceptable and should be considered psychological *** if it wasn't agreed to beforehand

[Deleted Member]

My ex daddy tried something similar with me.
It didn't break trust at first because I told him how it made me feel and that I don't want it. Things went well for a couple of weeks after, then he did it again... it has been 21 days since I've heard from him again. I'm gutted, completely devastating.
I feel so used and discarded. I hope it's not the same man because it's the same vibe. Please be careful.

[Deleted Member]

  1 minute ago, brattycatmeow666 said:

My ex daddy tried something similar with me.
It didn't break trust at first because I told him how it made me feel and that I don't want it. Things went well for a couple of weeks after, then he did it again... it has been 21 days since I've heard from him again. I'm gutted, completely devastating.
I feel so used and discarded. I hope it's not the same man because it's the same vibe. Please be careful.

Expand  

Oh oops, definitely not the same man. Still has the same vibe though

[Sa****]

That is definitely not appropriate. As the person above said if it was supposed to beva task he should have communicated that ahead of time. If they don't tell you then it can't be a task. Communication is very important. Manipulation can be a thing but that's something you have to consent to before hand.

[JD****]

Disrespect. If he does that in the beginning, what will he do in the end? In my book, it’s OVER. Stand firm to who you are. Dude is WACK. Or simply preoccupied. That was a last ditch effort just to see what you would do. F**k that guy.

[sn****]

You didn't consent to being ghosted. Maybe they had a good reason but I still think it's a *** of your person.

[at****]

Tons of fake uncaring doms

[Deleted Member]

That's seems like a weird manipulation tactic. There was no communication prior so it's basically the silent treatment. I personally wouldn't do it as a Domme. If it feels off in your gut, trust it.

[Ba****]

Yea, no. If nothing like this was discussed before hand, then this is just him using u... I'm sorry, and that's very ***ful. I've had someone block me out of nowhere after we talked for like... months... I still think about him every now n then, but no, that's not ok at all.

[Li****]

Yeah, that was just one of those Doms that think it's okay to do that because they are a Dom it seems. And yes if you felt disrespected then you shouldn't continue. Trust always goes both ways and those that don't believe that shouldn't be with someone.

[ti****]

Yeah, nah, he's obviously being manipulative. My opinion is that he dropped you for someone he considered more important, then when that didn't go well (big surprise) he's coming back playing damage control trying to say it was a test, yeah, bullsh*tttttt.

[Mo****]

Thats mental manipulation. And unless you signed up for that. Not the best way to do it. Better to say I am punishing you for 24 hours and we will have no contact. Then ask the sub how she felt not speaking.

[al****]

I agree with @tincanphone. He's not a dom he a f**kboy who tried to level up and failed. He's playing you. Walk while you can.

[Cr****]

If someone is making you feel unsure or confused... they're not the right person 😔

[Deleted Member]

That is so insanely messed up. Absolutely not. What he tried to do was give you silence treatment in order to get your reaction and make you want and need him more. Out the window he goes.

So, in short, he is being. This is not standard.