Question about vetting first dom

[ey****]

I dunno - some of my thoughts aren't quite so dramatic - but, he got that very wrong

Tasks should be set and agreed up front.  To effectively cut comms and then pass it of as 'a task' for me a bit.... to what purpose?

There's a truth under there somewhere. Maybe he was genuinely busy but then brushed it off as a task? Maybe he couldn't message as he was with someone else (not necessarily unfair - unless it's his wife and she didn't know he was meeting you)? Or, of course maybe it was to see if he could get away with being absent when he couldn't be bothered?

In any event, it does sound like something to communicate and work through....

...if you still want to, that is - I can understand someone going, nope - that's a nope from me. 

 

[bo****]

It’s complex…….it is manipulation tbh…….maybe these extreme orders should have been mentioned in conversations

[do****]

As a man if he was in an active relationship of any kind with you he should have had the human decency to inform you ahead of time that his phone would be inaccessible to and why it would be. That's just my stance. Being a Dom doesn't have to mean being 🌭.

[do****]

He was in a relationship more important than random friendship. He should have the humanity in him to give a heads up beforehand.

[Co****]

You need to go back a revisit the “A lot of communication and understanding” you initially had.

Communicate clearly your boundaries what you are comfortable with both physically and emotionally.
In the context of the current “ghosting” express to him how his actions made you feel in the context of real communication not as “task”.

Openly discuss what is comfortable, workable in terms of frequency of communication and contact. No doubt you both have independent life’s and have clearly not agreed a daily dynamic.


Discuss how you wish to move forward, as a newbie the mistake is to make assumptions.
If there is still a lack of respect and understanding from him or your needs and his can not be met…then maybe he is not the Dom for you

[RyanGlen]

Naw. Unless that is a part of the dynamics that you have spoke about that's not ok.
Fair enough if your having a one night no stings thing, but that must be spoken. And then to some back for essential a booty call. It's very toxic behaviour.
As a Dom myself, outside of sexual acts I'm about making Sure my partners feel like a princess.
Princess in the street, slut in the sheets. Haha

[Deleted Member]

In these times, a few days can seem like a lifetime.

If the one perspective is "you ignored me for three days" and the other is "we just talked three days ago" then it's something that can be worked out.

The feeble excuse he provided about you being ignored for a few days reeks of down low behavior.

This is your first d/s experience. You shouldn't be nesting at this point. I feel like you should explore other options. A man who is truly interested in you will drag his balls through a mile of broken glass just to get a sniff of the tire tracks of the car that carried your dirty panties away.

However.... it IS football season too. So....

[Shy-little_one]

If at any point you don't feel safe emotionally or physically it's time to step away.  Submission is something you give but can also remove, being a dominant isn't about manipulating to get what they want but are meant to guide and empower their submissive to be there betterselves. Remember you always have a choice. As a submissive make yourself boundaries and stick to them and protect yourself 

[Lsmart938]

He’s a fool. Simple!

Btw - I visited your profile and you seem a great catch so he’s an even bigger fool than I first thought !!

Live. Learn. Move on.

Good luck x

[fo****]

Consent and communication up front!! That's what this is about. As the submissive you have the power. At first contact set a few boundaries and one is no ghosting if it angers you. A simple text from the guy saying he is out for 3 days would have been good. He is over controlling you and it will get worse for you down the road. Then at some point you will be tied up with no say at all....not cool.

[DM****]

3 hours ago, GT_TG said:

In these times, a few days can seem like a lifetime.

If the one perspective is "you ignored me for three days" and the other is "we just talked three days ago" then it's something that can be worked out.

The feeble excuse he provided about you being ignored for a few days reeks of down low behavior.

This is your first d/s experience. You shouldn't be nesting at this point. I feel like you should explore other options. A man who is truly interested in you will drag his balls through a mile of broken glass just to get a sniff of the tire tracks of the car that carried your dirty panties away.

However.... it IS football season too. So....

So you're saying she needs a man who hates football...

[BigPolly]

I had this happen on here a few years back & I walked away instantly.
A dynamic is built on trust whether you are embarking on a relationship or heading into play. Play can often be dangerous so we all need to be open, honest & trust eachother.
The second that trust is wobbled it’s hard to get it back.
To me, being ignored is disrespectful manipulation & not any form of play. It is a hard limit.
No discussion about forthcoming actions is wrong as limits must always be discussed.
If this is his way then fair enough, we’re all different but you already know that this behaviour isn’t within your boundaries so go out & find someone who suits you better.

[sp****]

No that's not normal. That was someone with too much on their plate. This is a huge downfall, not knowing who will actually commit

[ga****]

Control is given power it taking

[Tr****]

Unless a situation like that is talked about BEFORE execution, it's a manipulation tactic and should be avoided.
But depending on how you feel after the communication resumed, it should be added as a boundary ti be respected that anything similar should be agreed to and approved beforehand with clear communication of "if I text you (safeword) I need a response" to help with any trauma responses that may happen

[Ja****]

With the caveat that I always think of "worst case" , your description of the situation sounded like red flags to me. Did you explicitly negotiate tasks before the radio silence ? Did you explicitly negotiate a non communication followed by a reconnect like nothing happened and this was part of a plan ? If not, that - to me - sounds like emotional manipulation.

As a new person to the scene, it's very easy for people to tell you they are dominant without you having a lot of background to ascertain their safety, playing style, references etc.

you are not overreacting in expecting consistency, and to go to worst case possibility, new to scene people are often sought out by less then stellar characters because they don't know enough to ask.

[so****]

My Dom limited our txt n I only see him occasionally, I felt the same and was given the same explanation. I’m new here too

[so****]

My Dom limited my txts n visits n forbids phone calls

[jo****]

Yeah that seems a little shady. Like he is trying to emotionally manipulate you. I don't have alot of experience but communication and trust in each other does not equate to ghosting.

[An****]

Everyone is different, that includes ‘Doms’ However, what I would say, if it doesn’t feel right to you, then don’t accept it.
Any relationship you’re in, should surely be a positive experience in your life 💖💖

[se****]

It seems rude but its something to talk about (that's the only real non-negotiable) if after a conversation establishing a boundary, it continues, then they're maybe not the dom for you (and that's okay)

Like others have said your feelings are important

[Th****]

Limits should be discussed before any task is given. I feel like a lot of steps have been missed. As a dom, I want to know my subs limits before I engage with them. If they refuse to disclose, then I'll move on. Then, before implementing and task or punishments, I negotiate them with my sub. We only do what has been negotiated beforehand.

[Mo****]

Ya know I almost forgot the most important thing. The bottom line if you will. Never ever forget. As the sub you really do hold all the ultimate power. Your submission is given when it has been earned and you always hold the safeword as a last resort.

[FR****]

So this is not commonplace. Communication is key with a consistent partner. Or partners in general. This Dom should have briefed you you before doing this. More or less this shows the Dom doesn't understand you very well. And actively decided to exclude you from the decision making process.

Frankly? I'd say leave him out to dry. Express that he broke your trust, and he didn't communicate with you. And that you didn't wish to continue. Because what it sounds like to me is that he moved on, but didn't want to feel like it was his fault. So tried to push you away because "you" were getting to attached. It is manipulation. No self respecting Dom would do this to a partner.

[Om****]

Talk to your Dom about what you want and what you expect. Just because you're submissive doesn't mean you have to settle for a Dom who doesn't treat you the way you want or deserve. You're two people. Compromise and trust is what makes a strong Dom/sub bonds.