Question about vetting first dom

[My****]

First of all, you are as important as you’re dumb you are actually equal and deserves mutual respect always ghosting isn’t anything anybody who has respect for the other does to them

[Pi****]

I'd call it a red flag. You don't just vanish without a damn good reason, especially in a brand new dynamic.

If you can, talk to others in your area about the person, and see if this is a common thing from them. If it is, run for the hills.

[wi****]

Rude bc that type of stuff was not communicated as something to be expected. Any proper sub/Dom relationship consists of lots of communication to set expectations, rules, boundaries.

[DickGozinya]

A Dom/Sub relationship is like any other in that you need that trust and respect. You have to discuss boundaries and agree to them, and if they are crossed repeatedly then it's not for you.
I will say this loudly. Most guys that claim to be Doms are not. Don't confuse a Dom, with a narcissist ****. They will start off as "Doms" but pretty rapidly show they don't care about what you're trying to get, it's all about them. I would wager this guy put you on the back burner. He got what he really wanted from you and was working on someone else. They probably weren't very receptive as he would like so his permanent ghosting turned into a "micro ghosting" bs excuse.

Edited September 30, 2024 by CaraVirt
insult removed

[Co****]

I’m going to have to agree with everyone else. I am still semi new myself, and I do present as a dom. But no that is unacceptable. Ghosting is not something that should be part of a dynamic, Unless previously discussed. Even then I think it’s alittle off. But like I said. Semi new. So don’t know if that’s actually something people are into. But more sounds like he got what he wanted. Put the work in till that point. And then started looking around. When he found someone else he ghosted you. Then is trying to comeback cause he failed with the one was pursuing. Don’t accept this. Do not take him back as a dom. In every relationship there needs to be trust. But I want to argue that there should almost be more trust between a dom and their sub. Cause things take a farther turn then “standard play”. So if you feel the trust was broken or betrayed. Then don’t go back.

[Ca****]

A dom is a dom...sub needs to respect and Dom will humiliate the sub in every imaginable way.

[Deleted Member]

  22 hours ago, CalRiz24 said:

A dom is a dom...sub needs to respect and Dom will humiliate the sub in every imaginable way.

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I can tell you for a fact that you're wrong. I'm a sub but that doesn't make me a doormat. It's fine within agreed upon boundaries but outside those boundaries It's not okay.

[Mo****]

Yeah that attitude just proves a fake Dom and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt you have NO idea what you are doing.

[TN****]

All things in a relationship need to be discussed in detail. If those things were not talked about as part of the negotiation then they are off the table.

Because you are new I’d like to propose you do this to help. Figure out your hard limits and write them down. Then do the same for your soft and then every few months revisit. Things change. So will you.

Also before engaging in any scene or play you always talk out what is and is not acceptable to both parties. And for god sake if someone says they have no limits they are inexperienced and you should be careful.

[La****]

Things like this need to be discussed and consented to beforehand, not simply imposed upon the other person without warning or explanation. Micro-dosing anxiety in order to create a dependency is absolutely a d**k move, and to me, this shows that this person didn't respect your feelings or your well-being. I'm genuinely sorry you experienced that.

[Co****]

Yes, I think you may be overreacting. Nothing is ‘standard’ in this community - that’s sort of the point and there is no definitive manual on the ‘right’ way to Dom or the ‘right’ way to Sub.

The difference between “cheap manipulation tactic” and an experiment to explore feelings and reactions with a partner can be difficult to define.

If your Dom’s task upset you so much you are no longer interested then that is fine. D/s is consensual and you have an absolute right to back out anytime for any reason. However, if the relationship was interesting to you, maybe it would be a good idea to try to talk to the Dom about the issues you have with the ‘task’ and trust and whatnot. Discussing why he thought this would be a good idea might be more useful than simply labeling it ‘cheap manipulation’ and dismissing it entirely.

Finally, you should keep in mind that nothing is standard and at the end of the day we are all making things up as we go along. Even a very experienced Dom may come up with an idea that seemed good at the time, but just fell flat in practice. This may have been one of those.

[Deleted Member]

Totally rude.
Communication is everything and he isn't working with you as a sub, he's just being an a**. If someone isn't taking the time to get to know you, your needs/wants, etc. And to set up the scene with you they are using and manipulating, not being a dom.

[Cu****]

Seems rude or like an excuse, DOM doesn't include emotional *** unless previously agreed upon.

[Le****]

If you are not getting what you want or are uncomfortable, TALK WITH YOUR DOM. Ask 100 people what a D/S relationship looks like to them and you'll get a wide variety of answers. At the end of the day, it's your comfort and pleasure, nobody else's. Tell him you want better communication, no micro-ghosting. If its cool, carry on. If he's shady, move on.

[Ba****]

I’m going to give you the advice I wish someone told me when I first entered this world properly. Write down everything you want and need from a dynamic (I actually wrote a post on here about this called non negotiables if you want some ideas) and any hard limits you know you have (you can put anything on here you feel is necessary. A friend of mine has the word ‘dude’ on his) and, if you can, and soft limits (things you’d be ok with being pushed on but you’re not really comfortable with the idea of). I’d like to mention that some of my favourite kinks are on my soft limits list as they can be incredibly dangerous if done incorrectly so i need to build extra trust before I will do them.

Before agreeing to submit to anyone, you need to have discussed these in detail. You should both be approaching a new dynamic with your own expectations and limits. Ghosting will be amongst your hard limits.

From there you can move onto safe words, kinks you know you enjoy or really want to try and aftercare needs.

Please believe me when I say it’ll save you a lot of time and energy in the long run. I also want to say that it is ok to say you’re still figuring things out as a new person. So long as you are honest about that, you’ll be ok.

The above will ensure you don’t enter a dynamic with someone you aren’t compatible with. But there’s more to vetting than just this. You need to know the person is a decent human generally. Are they willing to give you their name? Their phone number? Are they active in their community? Do they have kinky friends? Do they have any ex play partners or relationships you could talk to?

This is getting long so I might write a post about vetting questions if it will help you. But last point, vetting is a constant thing. People change and it is important to keep checking you still work well together.

[su****]

Very smart.

[RO****]

As a long time Dom and guy I've seen and heard it all. This guy is into manipulation and I don't know quite how to put this he's bullsh*ting you I've seen this many times before you were at that event hoping to find your first Dom but I guarantee you he was there just to coax another newly member of our community into his play time when he ghosted you and then fed you that b******* all smooth and calm like that it was only because he had tricked someone else into his play time and was with her but was hoping that b******* would fly and he could keep you too I think I may enjoy seeing this guy I accidentally hit his thumb with a hammer I'm not even actually laugh I'm sure you got done this way sweetheart be careful beware good luck hope this helps

[lo****]

Whoever that guy is, he's not a Dom at all. Communication and trust are key factors. 💯% if the trust is gone, you need to walk away. Because someone like that guy can and probably well f*** someone up badly both mentally and physically.. now this lifestyle we live daily or live whenever we can or want to done right , personally it's absolutely gorgeous,freeing I could go on and on.but not going to bore you. And also when it's done wrong it can turn into an episode of Criminal Minds.

[lo****]

Episode of criminal minds

[Be****]

Well it is possible that the guy also testing you how would you react in a situation that he has to be absent to see how tolerant you are. Or it is possible that he has multiple partners. Or it is possible that he begin to think seriously. In my opinion to judge from single action is not accurate. Since you had interaction with him that is pleasant thus i would suggest you to observe in long-term. As i see, you already passed the point of vetting but going towards a relationship.

[Ta****]

Nope nope nope, he's not the real deal. My first protocol is always communication expectations, if either of us are going to be busy its required to be communicated before said timeframe and estimate when it will be over. If he can't keep up with a couple texts, he won't be able to keep up with any other protocols. Maybe ok for play, but definitely not going to be a full dynamic with him

[Deleted Member]

He was taking advantage of what is a privilege meant to be appreciated and honored. Not something for him to play with at his leisure and to disregard the emotional implications of his control and authority when he's done getting off and stroking his pathetic little ego. I'm not pretending like I'm the embodiment of the ideal dom or that I could show you what a real dom is like, but I was hoping you might care to chat sometime and get acquainted. I hope to hear back, and if not thank you for taking the time to read this and I wish you the best in your future endeavors.

[Th****]

My first thought as a Dom is this is some 50 Shades bs. Nope.

[Un****]

I’d pass. Even without the boundaries about ghosting being set first.

[Ro****]

That behavior is dumb. I can’t imagine how this does anything positive. My feeling is he did ghost you and changed his mind after HE realized how you made him feel and decided to try and spin it as an intentional act and not the cowardly act it was.