Trauma Response? Normal or Unhealthy?

[mi****]

Having a hard time articulating, so bare with me please… i’m not sure if any of this will make sense.

I’ve been a submissive since i first learned about non-vanilla sex & lifestyles. About a year ago, i faced a big trauma, along with many other smaller traumas throughout the years. Now, i’ve been seeing a new side to me- a more dominant side. Normally, I’d say “who cares?”.. but this dominant side of me seems to just want to punish men for those traumas. My newfound kinks & fantasies haven’t exactly been… normal (from what i’ve discussed with submissive men on here.) and it’s entirely punishment. i have no interest in saying “good boy” or rewarding “good behavior”.. i don’t want the usual domme/sub dynamic… in fact, i’d still prefer to call that hypothetical partner “daddy” rather have myself be called “miss” or “ma’am.” while i punish and humiliate in very specific ways. anyway, i simply want to punish. nothing more. i don’t want to hurt anyone… i truly don’t- but all of my new interests are based around punishment and their desperation for relief. So, help me here… normal or unhealthy? Is this my feminine rage?

[Do****]

Kinda sounds like you want men to experience the same trauma that you did. I could have it wrong just seems like that. A think a true Dom is not to limit someone, but to help them experience more of themselves.

[ke****]

If the punishment is fueled by revenge against men then it's unhealthy and you should probably seek some sort of help

[ir****]

Honestly for me i dont think thetes anything inherently wrong with that aslong as you arnt actually huring anyone and it's all done within consent then i think it could maybe be a healthy outlet? Im sure there's alot of subs that would be into something like that 😌

[mi****]

i should clarify… it would ALL be consensually. i would want the person to WANT it too. but essentially the paragraph is trying to explain the reason behind these new interests.

[Pe****]

As a counsellor who works with people dealing with trauma and various forms of PTSD, it does sound like a classic trauma response. We tend to contain the trauma and hide it until we can repress it no longer. That’s a significant turning point in your healing journey. Processing trauma can result in people self-harming, uncontrollable anger etc. Your response is different.
As has been said, as long as your outlet is not uncontrollable and directed at all men without prejudice, it is a valid way to heal. Consent (obviously) is the keyword here. That goes without saying.

[ar****]

If you have this rage built up inside that you need to get rid of, is the punishing of a real-life partner an actual requirement? Or could you think of a way to release that doesn't involve hurting others, like taking it all out on some punching bag or stress dummy, or even in a (virtual reality) simulation?

[mi****]

12 minutes ago, PeteNR2 said:

As a counsellor who works with people dealing with trauma and various forms of PTSD, it does sound like a classic trauma response. We tend to contain the trauma and hide it until we can repress it no longer. That’s a significant turning point in your healing journey. Processing trauma can result in people self-harming, uncontrollable anger etc. Your response is different.
As has been said, as long as your outlet is not uncontrollable and directed at all men without prejudice, it is a valid way to heal. Consent (obviously) is the keyword here. That goes without saying.

it’s definitely not directed at all men… i’ve yet to speak to anyone i’d actually want to carry out these specific fantasies with. consent of course, is what i’d want if i were to meet someone i’d be interested in trying these interests out with. i’d only want it if they want it too- i still would want my partner to enjoy it yanno?

[ge****]

There are definitely men who are looking for purely punishment as the overriding part of their submission so there's nothing specifically wrong with that part of what you're looking for and it just comes down to finding those men who are looking for that - however you may want to consider factors such as aftercare before going down that road.
.
The concern here, and I think one you share, are the underlying reasons behind this new found desire and whether those drivers are healthy or not, and that's something perhaps, and I mean this kindly, to seek professional help with that can also address the traumas that triggered it.

[Pe****]

You have discovered a strong sadistic side of yourself, where your traumas seem to have been the trigger.

[ca****]

Within the bounds of kink / BDSM,  you have explained it v clearly and emphasised the 'consent' aspect.

How does this concern / affect you (others) outside of kink in the rest of your life?

[it****]

Nothing wrong with that milk. Showing a true side and being honest. Follow that path if it makes you happy and comfortable

[Ho****]

I've observed that among people I've met and bloggers I've read, D types (particularly with impact play (I know less about relationship/lifestyle)) often are people with past experience of being controlled or hurt non-consensually - abusive parents or ex partners, assault, etc, ie either ongoing or one-off situations.

I haven't seen or heard as many s types talking about it but using myself as an example, I'm submissive in bedroom/play contexts*. As a child I kept hearing how lucky I was that my parents didn't believe in smacking or punishment, it was their boast that I was Well-behaved without any of that (it took me years to understand how controlled I was!) - it gave smacking etc a kind of glamour. I grew up both terrified of corporal punishment and, in a bewildering way, envious of the other kids who took it for granted. That wish to be "normal" that we suffer from at a certain age! combined with knowing I was envied for a homelife that I knew to be unenviable (without being able to defend that opinion as ostensibly nothing was wrong with it). I was a very mixed-up kid 😁 but aren't we all, here!

Anyway, all this waffle is to say, it makes perfect sense to me (intuitively) that being subjected to trauma that's out of our control would be linked with wanting/needing agency in the equivalent situations (scenes), where it's under your control.


* unsure about lifestyle/relationship/personality context, maybe switchy but no experience to give me a clue