Am I a bad sub?

[in****]

Once, while philosophizing about dom/sub relationships with a friend, we concluded that a key characteristic of a healthy BDSM relationship is that the dom does not hold power but rather responsibility. The sub, on the other hand, does not lose power but instead consents to how they choose to refrain from exercising it. Boundaries are paramount and must be respected.

Maybe I am not completely right in how I see things, but in my opinion, this is maybe the healthiest way of doing it.

So, as most commenters before me, I think you dodged a bullet here. Don’t be ashamed of standings for your well being.

[De****]

You set a boundary. This person did not respect it. So sorry, but I don't believe there is compatibility there. Not your fault though. Your boundaries are important and any dominant ought to respect them.

[Na****]

There Is Nothing Wrong With You As A Sub. Some Dom Are Too Controlling In HowThey Live Life

[Th****]

Page 4 and not one person even asked if these people were even *in* a dynamic. It sounds to me like it was just another one of the many men on here who claim to be a Dom and have expectations of complete strangers they just met to behave in specific ways. 

OP, you're not a bad sub, you're just new and need to learn more. Just because you're *a* sub doesn't mean you should automatically be submissive to anyone who calls themselves a Dom. You aren't *their* sub until you've both vetted each other, had explicit discussions around what you're each looking for as far as style of dynamic and limits and boundaries. Then you officially agree to enter a dynamic and build gradually from there. 

[no****]

Well being into the shit that you're into it doesn't surprise me you know you kind of invite that kind of shit but it still doesn't make it right and if you wanted to you can set up another date with him and tell me where it's going to be at and what time and teach that guy how to treat a lady

[Da****]

The guy is an imposter or neophyte. You’re probably fine. You don’t have to be a rug unless you wanna be walked all over. Stand your ground, if he doesn’t respect your desire/boundary of not being called a bitch, what other boundaries will he not respect? He probably won’t respect any of them.

[DickGozinya]

I said it in a different post that was more or less about the same thing. Most guys that claim they are Doms (not all) are mistaking being a Dom for just being assholes.

[no****]

There are no guidelines for a good sub or a new sub etc etc … just try to detect the assholes and be open to constructive criticism. The moment you feel that it has a bad impact on you just stop the conversation and if sure block the guy !
But I’d say, you can usually navigate somehow and understand the assholes from the decent ones …
Try to have fun here and perhaps learn too .

[Sp****]

That would be a poser.
Any person of true intensions and with even a grain of knowledge would not act in such a manner.
A Sub/Dom interaction requires first and foremost a great deal of trust, respect and communication.
It requires time and discussion of each persons, wants, needs, desires, limits and boundaries.
And if a sub expresses that you are outside their limits/comfort zone a True Dom worth their salt will respect that and act accordingly.
A so called Dom that reacts in such a manner is a person you should avoid not fret over. They are not worth another moment of your time.
Care and respect for a Sub is and should be paramount and of utmost importance to a true Dominant not a Poser like the person appears to be.
If you had discussed that a response to your initially bratty behaviour was acceptable than okay. But in this case you reiterated that *** of this manner was not okay for you.
RUN FAST, RUN FAR
because if this is how they act and disrespect your expressed limits, they can NOT be fully trusted to keep your safety and care as a first priority
My two cents
Not all may agree, but is my personal opinion.
Go with your gut instinct if it doesn’t seem right, or feel right to you, it probably is just that. Not right
Keep smiling 🌹

[ShyTeddy]

y’all are helping me so much with what is an isn’t acceptable thank y’all

[Si****]

He’s inexperienced, and therefore not a good example to listen to.

Brats require wits not wimps.

[Deleted Member]

I had quite a a few of these on here, shaken as you hun. My advice is to block and report and have a glass to relax. It is awful, and I feel for you but there are many experienced Doms here who are wonderful and share the knowledge with newbies and other willing parties. Don't worry , at the end of the day, it is his loss he did not find the right way to stimulate you. All the best! X

[Babyrascal09]

Sorry to hear that block and report him the no good piece of s#!t

[Ba****]

You’re not necessarily a bad sub, he’s just a shitty “dom” (lower case intended) and probably a tourist. A real Dom takes care to learn what his(or her) sub wants and needs and gives her exactly that. Communication, respect or disrespect in the way you need, and caring are what make the difference. Remember, it’s his job to please you as much if not more than it’s your job to please him

[Bi****]

I like playful bratty but when it’s someone at a distance and they are just chaotic bratty and nothing will have them fix their behavior than it’s annoying and not how things work. There’s always cons for actions. But you being cute and playful was not something bad on your part

[GL****]

Don’t get too overwhelmed. You aren’t a bad sub. You just met the wrong person for you. Don’t let the journey discourage you. Learn from every interaction and grow from it. Set clear boundaries and get out if they are not respected. You got this! 🌟

[Deleted Member]

Sadly there are a lot of people out there like that who call themselves a dom. But what they mean is there arse holes and they can't handle a brat on a good day let alone a bad day. So just ignore him sweetie and be the best brat and good girl you know you are. You will find the right one for you one day

[Mo****]

Contrary to popular belief, the BDSM community has more than it's fair share of abusive arseholes on all sides.

I've literally engaged with someone, fully discussed everything we're into, and then got blindsided because I wasn't prepared to cross my boundaries, which had already been very clearly discussed and explained, and was called boring and a shill because of it.

Considering it was something linked to not insignificant trauma from my youth, it took me a while to get my head around it, and hugely knocked my confidence.

Try not to let it get to you. It's 100% a them problem.

[Ki****]

He is a fake dom

[cu****]

I agree. I true dom would have respected ur limits and never would have crossed them. Their fault not urs

[Go****]

I am a daddy/dom of about 7 years. Having said that, my experiences only with two people so limited in scope. But I'll give you my thoughts on it. Kink is as diverse as there are a number of people. And even in a Master/slave, d/s, DDLG relationship The dynamic is again as diverse as the people who are enjoying the experience. If you were to read my profile you would see that I am what I would classify more of a soft dom. Braddiness for me is okay if it's cute and playful, but for me I had enough real brattiness and push back from my kids that I'm not really looking forward to that in my relationship. There are many many others on here who love that bradiness and enjoy taming them. For me I take very little pleasure and spanking someone who's been bad, but enjoy making my baby girl happy by spanking her when she's been good, or just because I feel like she would enjoy one right now. So who is right, those harder Dom's or me with my softer approach? The answer is that depends on the sub/babygirl/slave. What is it that they want. The sub gives her gift of submission and that can be taken away at any time. It is the Dom who holds the responsibility for everything in the relationship. The Dom's responsibility is to his sub who has gifted her not only submission but in some cases everything. It is the Dom's responsibility to understand, to listen and to understand what it is that his sub thrives from and provide that. If not for this responsibility, why would the sub choose to be a sub. So my opinion is that this Dom did not act properly. Let me say one other thing, a month or so ago I had a conversation with a lady who would never really experienced being a sub. She was into kinky stuff but had never been a sub. In my attempt to try to bring a sense of comfort I moved too fast and caused her anxiety. When I felt her hesitation I of course immediately backed off and apologized. Just because I am the Dom does not mean that I should not apologize if I make a mistake. But my point is with the best of intentions I misread and made a mistake. We can all do it. From your description of the situation, he did not misread and make a mistake, he is simply looking for someone else. So, you did the right thing and are now looking for someone else too. Don't let the little bumps in the road stop you from taking the journey. The opinions expressed aboved are my views and not intended to cause offense or hurt to anyone. If I have done so, please accept my apology upfront. Thanks for reading :-)

[LostAndFoundGiGi]

I agree fully with GoodDaddyForGoodGirl's passage above. From a text book point of view Healthy vs. Unhealthy Dominance is important to learn and be able to recognize or you could end up with a situation where you're both unhealthy and unhappy. Also when I learned the SUB is the power holder in the Dom/Sub relationship it really helped me design what I wanted and what I would and wouldn't accept. He didn't Earn your respect and you didn't Consent to be subservient to him. It was just a short convo. 🚩🎌⛳

[LostAndFoundGiGi]

My Sir asked me to expand: a Master and slave relationship offers no choice past the initial consent to terms. A Dom/sub relationship is built upon consent to terms as well, but you maintain your autonomy. Your ability to choose. There are people who choose to be in dynamics that are disrespectful as that's their fetish. And then there are people that don't know any different than Societies unhealthy version of domination and end up stuck.

Also GoodDaddyForGoodGirl, my Dom says it isn't soft to be mature and educated. A teacher teaches His student.

(Her Sir.) GoodDaddy, you're spot on, in no way are you a soft Dom. I respect your opinion of yourself but you Sir are an educated and mature adult who like myself, has hidden life experience. ... Just how you explain yourself shows you've always been a dominant person, probably even from a young age. #ALPHAWOLF

[Go****]

8 minutes ago, LostAndFoundGiGi said:

My Sir asked me to expand: a Master and slave relationship offers no choice past the initial consent to terms. A Dom/sub relationship is built upon consent to terms as well, but you maintain your autonomy. Your ability to choose. There are people who choose to be in dynamics that are disrespectful as that's their fetish. And then there are people that don't know any different than Societies unhealthy version of domination and end up stuck.

Also GoodDaddyForGoodGirl, my Dom says it isn't soft to be mature and educated. A teacher teaches His student.

(Her Sir.) GoodDaddy, you're spot on, in no way are you a soft Dom. I respect your opinion of yourself but you Sir are an educated and mature adult who like myself, has hidden life experience. ... Just how you explain yourself shows you've always been a dominant person, probably even from a young age. #ALPHAWOLF

Wow, LostAndFoundGiGi, thank you for Her Sirs and your very kind words

[ki****]

Not knowing the full situation, be aware there are a ton of fake "Doms" on here. If they come in, and instantly go off, that's ***, it's not respect. More so if they haven't previously even discussed things like that with you and disrespect your boundaries. If he knew you very little and didn't earn any semblance of submission either. Block and move on.

Dealt with way too many flakes and fake "Doms" on here. Hence the quotes. Gets old because I'm sensitive so my feelings get bruised easily. They want to play at being a Dom, but it's an excuse to ***, disrespect, order about. It's not you. Seems you communicated well. Learn from this, and grow. :)