How to engage with people as people

[jf****]

  14 minutes ago, Kaserai said:

That's where you need to change your mindset.
1- Hi/Hello said the other 25 men who messaged me today, how exhausting.
2 - I think you're gorgeous/beautiful/sexy said the other 25 men who messaged me today. Am I really worth nothing more than my looks? What is wrong with me?!

Stand out, be different. You can even BUY conversation cards if you can't think of anything for yourself but easy pickings- what did you do over the weekend? What are you passionate about? What are you hobbies. I mean, what's your favourite colour is better than a 'compliment' I get several times a day knowing he's copied and pasted that to everyone else he's messaged. Be mindful, put yourself in a woman's shoes then message appropriately.

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Fr I appreciate the amazing feedback and I’ll def be changing my mindset now. lol. I was just thinking, don’t say dumb af stuff so I kept it boring and simple…obviously, smh 🤦‍♂️. But 💯 thank you for the advice 😉😊

[Deleted Member]

This response is for the OP and anyone else who replied or could need this persoective. I know people get frustrated on dating apps etc. when others don't appear to want them immediately or interact in a predictable manner they'd prefer. Happens to women too. Try not to make assumptions about people or what experience they want from the app. Several women already gave great advice that might seem conflicting not because women are all crazy and misleading but because people are all different. We can't expect one approach to work for everyone. The advice "be yourself" does not imply everyone is going to like you. That's ok. It's still an important part of the process. Eventually, the right one will like you. So if all you want is some quick dirty talk with any random person send out mass texts and see if anyone else is in that mood too. Some people like that. Good chance you should also prepare to be ignored, blocked, or lashed out at by those who aren't into it. If you are actually interested in the person behind the profile and any potential real life meeting take your time and be specific. Yes even if you want casual only. Even if the other person only wants casual, that does automatically mean they want it with you. It takes time and Information to make a good match. Make your profile as clear and interesting as possible. Make your initial messages short but interesting and tailored to the recipient. There's a huge range of options somewhere between "hi how are you?" and " wanna see pictures of my dick?"
Finally if you get to the point where this isn't fun anymore and you feel it harming your self esteem or making you bitter, delete your profile and take a break. Work on yourself, make friends irl, and improve your situation in other ways. You can always try again later. Hope that helps.

[lo****]

  31 minutes ago, sarasota829343 said:

This response is for the OP and anyone else who replied or could need this persoective. I know people get frustrated on dating apps etc. when others don't appear to want them immediately or interact in a predictable manner they'd prefer. Happens to women too. Try not to make assumptions about people or what experience they want from the app. Several women already gave great advice that might seem conflicting not because women are all crazy and misleading but because people are all different. We can't expect one approach to work for everyone. The advice "be yourself" does not imply everyone is going to like you. That's ok. It's still an important part of the process. Eventually, the right one will like you. So if all you want is some quick dirty talk with any random person send out mass texts and see if anyone else is in that mood too. Some people like that. Good chance you should also prepare to be ignored, blocked, or lashed out at by those who aren't into it. If you are actually interested in the person behind the profile and any potential real life meeting take your time and be specific. Yes even if you want casual only. Even if the other person only wants casual, that does automatically mean they want it with you. It takes time and Information to make a good match. Make your profile as clear and interesting as possible. Make your initial messages short but interesting and tailored to the recipient. There's a huge range of options somewhere between "hi how are you?" and " wanna see pictures of my dick?"
Finally if you get to the point where this isn't fun anymore and you feel it harming your self esteem or making you bitter, delete your profile and take a break. Work on yourself, make friends irl, and improve your situation in other ways. You can always try again later. Hope that helps.

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Thanks for this very detailed response. For the most part it makes sense, and is relatable to what I’m going through in my life at the moment. I’m currently going through a major life rebuild that isn’t going to be completed overnight, but that being said I’m not a machine and do need days off as I also have a full time day job which also takes a lot out of me

[Deleted Member]

Totally. Self care is very important. It's another reason people might not respond right away or with as much effort as we'd like. This app is not a priority for everyone, myself included.

[sardonicus87]

So basically as a man, you have to be impressive and do all the work to stand out from the pack to try to impress even though she hasn't put much effort into her profile, even though there's no way you can be witty because she gave you not much to work with and you don't know her style...
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Sorry ladies, but "hello, how are you?" IS how you start with a complete stranger. You're going to get over that and stop expecting every guy to magically just know the exact right way to talk to you before they even know you.
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How about you start doing all the work to try to impress and get to know people and then you see how it feels and maybe you'll understand the frustration.
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Or maybe you could meet us half-way and put in some effort yourselves for the ones who are treating you like a human and not just writing everyone off who doesn't say more than "how are you?".
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Serious question, how tf are you supposed to be witty with a complete stranger? Anyone got any good examples at all of a good first message that's "witty and different" or whatever? Like a real example, don't just say "say more". What more exactly, as an example... because what more is there to say to a stranger?

[cu****]

Thanks everyone! I'm just happy people responded!! There's some great advice in there, a few questionable comments but that's ok, diversity keeps things beautiful

[Deleted Member]

Fair point. To start are you assuming all women want all this attention? For example my profile is very sparse because having a vagina within driving distance is enough to flood my inbox. I'm not saying I want it that way lol. I do respond to people who start with a simple respectful message, but decent conversation skills and some common interests are important for me to continue. Again though to be clear, I'm not on here complaining about the number or quality of messages I receive. When I want more I will improve my profile or initiate with someone myself. And believe it or not my eloquent ass still gets denied 😉
The OP asked for some advice and I think some quality responses he was satisfied with were given. I'm not trying to hijack this thread and wish you all the best of luck.

[Deleted Member]

Lol pros and cons for sure but that is definitely another thread. If anyone wants to continue a civil conversation you can dm me as long as it's witty 😂 I'm kidding. Although it does remind me to mention that interacting in a positive way on the forums is another great way to meet people here.

[Deleted Member]

You can always literally just send a message.saying Hi, and then i only really respond to people who chat a little about their non kink selves first, before delving into everything else

Too many men.are far.too comfortable sending ridiculously outlandish messages first.thing and.honestly i dont respond to.those so

Start.with the easy stuff about yourself and.just.go from.there 😊

[Ba****]

I find a good rule of thumb to be: introduce yourself, acknowledge a non-sexual thing in their profile that interested you, expand on similar non kink stuff you share, ask questions relating to things they’ve written. It’s also cool to offer a compliment if you want (but this is easy to go wrong so also ok to not do)
Keep the first message or two to vanilla subjects. Let them lead the s***d with which you interact (remember, you initiated contact, they get to choose how much and when)
The key though, and this is so hard, don’t be in your head. Let conversations flow. Be weird. I say that as a fellow neurospicy. There’s no point hiding your weird. It’ll come out eventually if you want something meaningful. Someone worthy won’t be put off

[Fishbicycle]

  3 minutes ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

I find a good rule of thumb to be: introduce yourself, acknowledge a non-sexual thing in their profile that interested you, expand on similar non kink stuff you share, ask questions relating to things they’ve written. It’s also cool to offer a compliment if you want (but this is easy to go wrong so also ok to not do)
Keep the first message or two to vanilla subjects. Let them lead the s***d with which you interact (remember, you initiated contact, they get to choose how much and when)
The key though, and this is so hard, don’t be in your head. Let conversations flow. Be weird. I say that as a fellow neurospicy. There’s no point hiding your weird. It’ll come out eventually if you want something meaningful. Someone worthy won’t be put off

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Why are you not closer to Sheff?!! 🙏❤️

[cu****]

  4 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

I find a good rule of thumb to be: introduce yourself, acknowledge a non-sexual thing in their profile that interested you, expand on similar non kink stuff you share, ask questions relating to things they’ve written. It’s also cool to offer a compliment if you want (but this is easy to go wrong so also ok to not do)
Keep the first message or two to vanilla subjects. Let them lead the s***d with which you interact (remember, you initiated contact, they get to choose how much and when)
The key though, and this is so hard, don’t be in your head. Let conversations flow. Be weird. I say that as a fellow neurospicy. There’s no point hiding your weird. It’ll come out eventually if you want something meaningful. Someone worthy won’t be put off

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Neurospicy, that is brilliant

[Deleted Member]

As another neurodivergent man I really respect this post from you and can totally relate to it as well, you done a fantastic job summarising the minds and difficulties we face, not directly our fault but it still makes us feel like we can be impossible at times wishing we could maintain balance. Much respect to you!

[cu****]

  21 hours ago, sarasota829343 said:

This response is for the OP and anyone else who replied or could need this persoective. I know people get frustrated on dating apps etc. when others don't appear to want them immediately or interact in a predictable manner they'd prefer. Happens to women too. Try not to make assumptions about people or what experience they want from the app. Several women already gave great advice that might seem conflicting not because women are all crazy and misleading but because people are all different. We can't expect one approach to work for everyone. The advice "be yourself" does not imply everyone is going to like you. That's ok. It's still an important part of the process. Eventually, the right one will like you. So if all you want is some quick dirty talk with any random person send out mass texts and see if anyone else is in that mood too. Some people like that. Good chance you should also prepare to be ignored, blocked, or lashed out at by those who aren't into it. If you are actually interested in the person behind the profile and any potential real life meeting take your time and be specific. Yes even if you want casual only. Even if the other person only wants casual, that does automatically mean they want it with you. It takes time and Information to make a good match. Make your profile as clear and interesting as possible. Make your initial messages short but interesting and tailored to the recipient. There's a huge range of options somewhere between "hi how are you?" and " wanna see pictures of my dick?"
Finally if you get to the point where this isn't fun anymore and you feel it harming your self esteem or making you bitter, delete your profile and take a break. Work on yourself, make friends irl, and improve your situation in other ways. You can always try again later. Hope that helps.

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I could have provided some more clarity in my post. It doesn't have to do with assuming anyone's intent. Frankly it's responses like this that cause confusion and make me question my approach.

I do appreciate your intent, although it does feel patronizing. Factoring in some of male responses here and the stereotype it makes sense. I would never assume any group is crazy because it's members think and act as individuals.

There are definitely a lot of guys that need to understand that. There's some useful advice tucked in there too. Thank you

[cu****]

  Yesterday at 03:46 AM, kittygotclaws said:

You have a good profile. A few photos would help (even if not of your face). Then when you message someone they can get an idea of you from the profile. This is usually how I respond to guys. I read and check the profile before I respond. It tells me how I should proceed. I honestly don't care who writes me and what they say if they're treating me like a human and friend. As long as they don't start with "hi, how are you." Or "sit on my face," stuff. Just be yourself and talk to someone as if they're a friend, or potential friend. That's how I enjoy being approached. It's rare. It's better.
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That being said, know I have heard from plenty of men who are struggling to get responses at all. Many women don't log in, don't respond. So don't worry that it's personal if you struggle. We are all learning as we go on here when we're new, and if you're authentic and seeking authentic, it can be hard to find the right connection. You're still doing good.

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Thank you, I appreciate your perspective. I'll even add some photos later, I didn't realize I was a bit insecure about sharing pics that didn't include my face.

[cu****]

  Yesterday at 01:50 AM, southernbell82 said:

Hi! First, Welcome 🤗. Second, keep doing what you just did. Be kind. Be respectful. Be honest. I’m more likely to block a “want to see me cum” message then a “hi, how are you tonight? How was your day”. Im neurodivergent/spicy myself. I have adhd. In this post you come across genuine and that is beyond appreciated and needed. Don’t stand for rude or ill treatment. Don’t lower your standards. Have fun. Best of luck.

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Thank you so much.

[Deleted Member]

  17 minutes ago, curious798008 said:

I could have provided some more clarity in my post. It doesn't have to do with assuming anyone's intent. Frankly it's responses like this that cause confusion and make me question my approach.

I do appreciate your intent, although it does feel patronizing. Factoring in some of male responses here and the stereotype it makes sense. I would never assume any group is crazy because it's members think and act as individuals.

There are definitely a lot of guys that need to understand that. There's some useful advice tucked in there too. Thank you

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Thanks for the feedback. I apologize if it came off that way. It further illustrates that we can't control how people perceive our words or the kind of replies we get. Yes some parts of my post were more targeted towards the responses and I could have been more clear about that. You seem to be on a great track and I hope you find what you are looking for on here.

[cu****]

  16 minutes ago, sarasota829343 said:

Thanks for the feedback. I apologize if it came off that way. It further illustrates that we can't control how people perceive our words or the kind of replies we get. Yes some parts of my post were more targeted towards the responses and I could have been more clear about that. You seem to be on a great track and I hope you find what you are looking for on here.

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Honestly, I started and stopped replies those comments. I get they are frustrated but to fall back to misogynistic stereotypes seems like a stretch to me. I couldn't find a way to reply without sounding like an ass. Your comment was very good in that regard and well needed

[Hex1]

Holy shit, this comment was exactly what I was looking for to explain things. I'm pretty much the same way. Trying to get into the kinkier side of things but it being difficult ans near impossible to communicate properly with all these unwavering demons in disguise are a real ***. Either people expect far too much and take their social expectations far too highly or miscommunication. My energy drained a little and my adrenaline worn off so sorry if I come off in some way I suppose I'll properly add onto this later.

[Female_diogenes]

  On 2/1/2025 at 9:07 PM, Hex1 said:

Holy shit, this comment was exactly what I was looking for to explain things. I'm pretty much the same way. Trying to get into the kinkier side of things but it being difficult ans near impossible to communicate properly with all these unwavering demons in disguise are a real ***. Either people expect far too much and take their social expectations far too highly or miscommunication. My energy drained a little and my adrenaline worn off so sorry if I come off in some way I suppose I'll properly add onto this later.

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What I hate is men getting on my ass for choosing barely legal ***s. If they didn't want that they could be more obedient, and since they won't be obedient shouldn't they be thanking me for taking men that age to free their little girls up for them now? Because they clearly don't want a fellow aged adult, who knows what they want and can ask for it, and women young enough to want to comply to their demands and have no desires of their own, don't know what they want yet, and don't know how to ask for it, wouldn't be single otherwise. Unless women like me existed to steal their fellow *** would-be boyfriends. Adult men couldn't try to go for lower in age women either. If it wasn't for that. So if they don't like it they have two options either: 1. Fuck when asked and follow sexual commands of someone in your own age bracket, or 2. Become smart enough to thank me because you realize your sudden development of ED when you encounter a woman who actually orgasms means you need someone younger and more stupid too

[Nononolan]

I smile and maybe a compliment