Bedroom only or inherent part of pur personalities?

[BomshellBettie]

18 hours ago, dominionhub said:

I simply do not have a dominant personality, or a real interest in leadership.

Being in proximity to the leader, advising them, yes. Being the leader? No so much.

I half-jokingly attribute this to the cartoons I watched as a kid (where leaders typically met bad endings).

I liked the bit at the end, those things generally influence us as we grow. 

[Su****]

I find that I tend to be more submissive in my day to day life, I don't like getting into arguments so I always find a way to calm things down, when someone tells me to do something, more often than not I will just do it, but it's all very subtle and generally I can be quite assertive when I need to be, I just prefer to let people have things their way to keep them happy

[BomshellBettie]

8 hours ago, Kaserai said:

Everyone has different sides and to not complicated matters I'll just use platonic vs romantic relationships. Noone treats there platonic friends like their partner and how we choose to manifest ourselves in those relationships is purely down to our default operating patterns. I am incredibly dominant in the outside world because I value my independence and autonomy highly I enjoy being the person people come to for direction, genuinely. It fills my happy. In a romantic relationship it doesn't, I still value my autonomy and independence but my partner is responsible for sharing the mental load with me and when they cannot that gives me frustration, a frustration I do not feel with my platonic relationships. It doesn't make me inauthentic in any aspect of my life, each scenario gets my 'true face'.

Submission and dominance have their equal opposites in most scenarios but it comes down to feelings and intent - example, I'm part of a cadet group and their dinners the woman is served, she's told how to dress and act and there are a lot of rules the man must follow when engaging with women. This is traditionally a 'dom' activity, the submissive ready to serve, but for me it's about the removal of autonomy and that brings me calm and confidence not about the fact I have the man I'm with waiting on my hand and foot.

Just like folks act differently when they're upset or angry, folks act differently dependent on their people dynamic and scenario. Tbh I think a lot of people use what your describing to judge - oh you're not a REAL sub because you're a boss person in the world. Oh you're not a REAL dom because you serve in your every day life. My actions are context dependent on what I'm feeling.

For me submission comes down to one simply thing - psychological safety. While I look dominant to the world, I'm protecting my psychological safety by being the one in charge, in a relationship I am protecting my psychological safety by being with someone I trust to do it for me.

A lot of what you said really resonated with me. And I think the example you gave of platonic vs romantic was very helpful.

 

It's quite sad that people have cookie cutter ideologies about what it means to be a sub or what it means to be Dom, or switch. 

 

I also liked what you said about psychological safety. I think a lack there of is basically what spearheaded me into leaping into a Dom role, so I could grab some of that back due to a negative experience as a sub, whilst creating it for other people. 

 

 

[BomshellBettie]

Thank you everyone for your lovely and insightful replies. It's been great hearing other people's experiences.💖

[St****]

I meant a lot of business women over the years that have been friends that were 100% dominant in the business world trying to make their way in a masculine-driven society. And in knowing them most of them were fully submissive in the bedroom because they were burned out of making all the decisions choices and pushing all day long 40 to 60 hours a week and when they wanted sexual interaction or a bedroom relationship they wanted the man to make the decisions because they wanted to break and be in subspace for a while.

[St****]

As for submissive versus dominant I've always been a switch and a pleasure Dom so even in a submissive state the domination of pleasure still derived from the control of being able to give a partner or playmate what they desire. I can see the qualities of both the dominant and the submissive but as in being a switch the power exchanges and letting people test archetypes that they're not quite familiar with or maybe have repressed also allows for possible growth in both the BDSM and in the exteriors of life outside the bedroom or the relationship outside of a bedroom

[Du****]

Dom in and outside the bedroom

[ta****]

Im dominant 24/7. The real me I let be know from the rip this is me thru n thru not one way until this and then im that. BUT a dominant woman outside and submissive in the bed sounds amazingly HOT af

[di****]

For me my submission is bedroom only. Im fairly dominant in life, in the bedroom i prefer to let someone else be in control and for me to be in complete abandon. Though i am switch enough that i can pull out all the stops as a dom, it just doesn't resonate with me as well, feels more ***d.

[hu****]

I tell people that I’m submissive in the bedroom because in my daily life every decision and move is on my shoulders. The bedroom is where I get to relax and not be the one making decisions. Just put me where you want me and tell me what to do.

[Ch****]

Obviously, everyone's different.

I do think there's a common thread of people with "dominant" jobs\lifestyles where they're in charge of people who then seek out submission in the bedroom.

That said, I've always found it's a person to person thing, but I guess that's why I'm a switch 😅

[St****]

It's more of a philosophical debate one cannot really know another's internals so in gleaming some responses you can navigate the patterns but you're trying to navigate a pattern of choices that would derived from a multitude of choices from existence to the point of that choice. All those choices shaped and made that person. One single change could have made a dominant or submissive a submissive a dominant. Somebody that was straight bisexual or somebody that was bisexual straight. There's a pattern but it's the pattern of life and interaction and choices. Some people don't feel the need to have to be a switch others can feel that giving themselves over to their partner is the ultimate sign of trust and loyalty. For me being a switch both are true because giving and receiving can both be acts of trust internally in a relationship. There's not just one single movie part at play there's a host of gears and some that work and some that don't. People do form patterns of protection around their psyche the ebb and flow you can see it as described between the switch and the bedroom but you can also see it in people and the internal switch where externally they're strong independent but inside the reasons are strong and independent is because the internal child has been hurt and the protectorate wraps around and becomes the stern external protector to protect what's inside. It's just like the on the egg the shell. It protects what's inside long enough to grow and advance and be able to protect itself. And when that happens the egg is broken and the show is no longer needed. For that person has grown internally and has nothing to *** from the outside.

[Jo****]

The short answer is that I'm a Dom in and out of the bedroom, the long answer is due to constant *** as a child I made a severe pact with myself that I would never allow someone to be domineering to me, except joining the Army.

[Gi****]

I think it depends on some people. I have a submissive in and out of the bedroom. I still get what I need done and have to take on more of the dominant things in life because I am a single mom but I hate it. I am always indecisive and struggle to adult.

[xo****]

Like some people in the thread have said, I think that it depends on the person.
I myself don't identify as a dominant personality or as some people would consider an "Alpha"... No I'm also not 100% sub, which is why I identify as a switch.
But More to the point, I think a lot of times people overlook those of us who identify as Omegas, neither alpha nor beta.
Those of us who are Omegas are both, we know when to step into the leadership role, and we also know when to step back and allow someone else to lead. 🤘

[do****]

I'm dominate in my day to day life but like to be a sub in the bedroom . Sometimes it's hard to let go of the dominate side of me but getting better .

[sn****]

I was Dom for most of my life until I got into my first relationship, she would tell me things I would want to hear yet she was so very manipulative of me, luckily I got out by fate, but it made scarred me a bit and made me realize that my neurodivergency made it so being taken care of was very comforting and I think safer, also the *** (which I was also naive too) lead me highly interested in older women, although I know that originates from unfortunate events I still feel comforted there's a safe outlet for me comfort myself with and treat people I love nicely. 😇

[Ma****]

As someone who identifies as a dominant, this is transcended through every aspect of life and always has been.

With my wife, she is very dominant in her career field and is dominant towards other females when we play. However, she has only allowed her submissive side to be exposed to me, which for her is a big part of trust and understanding we share, based on the bonds weve established with each other over the last decade.

[Deleted Member]

My submission ends when the session does. Definitely boss b*tch outside of that. If someone who knew my personality had to guess, I am almost all the way positive they'd assume me to be a domme, perhaps even a sadist. No***e

[Su****]

I am not submissive in my day-to-day life. I am usually the responsible one and I can have a domineering personality. But in the bedroom I'm a little

[Ro****]

I identify as a submissive, and it's ingrained into me. I'm also solo poly. However in general life as a single mom (now empty nester) with a professional career and a recovering people pleaser in general life, I am not afraid to take control to steer things to where I need them to be to deal with life in general to be satisfied. I don't whine. I vent, then take action. Anyone who assumes I'm weak or a doormat will see me just walk away. I don't f**k around with my happiness cause life is short. Just rip the bandaid off and move on. Strong sub who knows what she wants. Does not make me dominant, just determined.

[BomshellBettie]

22 hours ago, AsoFlaDom said:

This is the thing that I've always had a problem with mistresses, dominant females and I don't mean in business or in life. I mean in the bebro because unless you abstain from sex, you cannot be dominant in the bedroom. The moment he puts his manhood or subhood. Or whatever you want to call it inside you. He is now domming you, he is in charge. Over my 40 plus years, in the lifestyle. I have known many dominant women in the real world. Police officers, teachers, CEO of companies some. You probably even heard of but the second they get into the bedroom. They're reenglish all that dominance. But nobody ever said I knew everything in life.So who knows

I respect your point of view but as a Dominant woman. I most certainly am not submissive when having sex. I take the lead, I respect boundaries and limits, I'm mindful of safe words and fully respect them. I am I'm control. As a sub I couldn't fully relax and enjoy sex a lot of the time. Since embracing my Dominant side inside of the bedroom too,  it's giving me back some power. Playing in that role makes me feel empowered enough to relax and not be ***ful of sex. It keeps my trauma llamas at bay so I can enjoy it and fully let go.

[BomshellBettie]

12 hours ago, JoeDaddyVet83 said:

The short answer is that I'm a Dom in and out of the bedroom, the long answer is due to constant *** as a child I made a severe pact with myself that I would never allow someone to be domineering to me, except joining the Army.

This is interesting and I think you have raised another point I would like to discuss i'm just struggling to articulate it. There's been a lot of studies and research done that indicate how important our early life experiences are (nature versus nurture, trauma etc) and how they go on to shape who we become as adults so it's interesting how they impact on us as a whole and the behaviours/personality types we go on to develope in adulthood. I'm sensing trauma from your comment and I'm sorry you went through that. Thanks for sharing 💖

[BomshellBettie]

10 hours ago, xocnuahcs said:

Like some people in the thread have said, I think that it depends on the person.
I myself don't identify as a dominant personality or as some people would consider an "Alpha"... No I'm also not 100% sub, which is why I identify as a switch.
But More to the point, I think a lot of times people overlook those of us who identify as Omegas, neither alpha nor beta.
Those of us who are Omegas are both, we know when to step into the leadership role, and we also know when to step back and allow someone else to lead. 🤘

Thanks for this comment and sharing your experience with us. 💖

[BomshellBettie]

9 hours ago, snoopygoose77 said:

I was Dom for most of my life until I got into my first relationship, she would tell me things I would want to hear yet she was so very manipulative of me, luckily I got out by fate, but it made scarred me a bit and made me realize that my neurodivergency made it so being taken care of was very comforting and I think safer, also the *** (which I was also naive too) lead me highly interested in older women, although I know that originates from unfortunate events I still feel comforted there's a safe outlet for me comfort myself with and treat people I love nicely. 😇

Thanks for sharing that. It's relatable too. I hope you're attracting nicer and more genuine people. Would you say your ND makes you more trusting of people (the wrong people)? Mine does. It's lead me into some healthy relationships. 💖