Abandoned by My "Dom"

[Cu****]

I put it in quotes because I'd like to believe that somebody that really valued that role and the responsibility wouldn't have acted like this. That's what I want to know from you all.

I'm super new at this and this was my first experience. I was divorced in March and started exploring my sexuality a few months later. I met a man who lived a couple hours for me so I developed an online relationship with in sort of a don/sub role. I grew to really enjoy pleasing him in various ways. I would really do whatever you wanted me to because I was pretty devoted and it turned me on and I enjoyed it.

This experience did serve a huge purpose in my life that I'm not sure he's totally aware of. I really grew a lot in my sexuality and groom more comfortable with my body and I felt more beautiful and sexy and wanted. It helped me open up to other men and enjoy sex again.

A couple of times during our relationship he gave me the silent treatment because he didn't handle my brattiness very well. But each time we reconnected.

It's probably been a total of 5 months or so. We met in person once because I happened to be in a city and I called him and asked him to come fuck me and he did.. It was great.

One of the things that I thought we both enjoyed was him hearing about my sexual experiences. He would ask me to tell him about him and that it turned him on.

Everything has been great and as far as I knew he was happy with our situation and so was I except for the fact that I would really like to be able to see him in person more, but I understand Life is Life and we were both busy people and live a couple hours away from each other.

Last week as I was telling him about an experience he told me to stop said it wasn't turning him on and then came back later and told me his decided that our geography sucks and he's only going to have relationships with people locally now and said sorry take care. That's it after 5 months. When I tried to talk to him about it he told me to not talk to him they couldn't handle it and it was overwhelming him . I kept talking anyways because I was completely devastated and shocked and he wasn't willing to have any conversation with me at all about what happened.

He blocked me and unblocked me on Snapchat several times over the next few days and at one point told me because I kept talking he was going silent again. It felt almost as if he was trying to assert some sort of Dom control outside of the bedroom but using it as an excuse instead of wanting to address the problem.

Eventually I left him voice messages and told him exactly how I felt and that I felt betrayed and abandoned by him and I was completely shocked that he was acting like this. He blocked me.

I guess what I'm coming here to ask is if this is something that happens in this community. Is it normal? My understanding was that this was such an intimate relationship where we shared incredibly intimate things with each other that I've never share with anybody in my entire life. The amount of loss I feel over this relationship is crazy and the fact that I trust him so much and he completely betrayed that.

I'm now feeling like kind of a piece of trash and that was all I was to him.. I guess just looking for some advice from people that have more experience than me.

[DeviantInside]

Ok… the hard part (and only from some clown on the internet) he may never or never could have been what you truly wanted or needed. That aside you already highlighted positives. Things you want and need, but also things to look out for in the future, good and bad.

[Du****]

Does it happen in the community? Unfortunately, yes. Should it? No. Our types of dynamics are built on trust and communication.

[Cu****]

2 minutes ago, DucatiDaddy said:

Does it happen in the community? Unfortunately, yes. Should it? No. Our types of dynamics are built on trust and communication.

That's how I felt. I put so much trust in him. And then mid conversation for him to just completely leave her entire relationship without a conversation is insane to me.

[Va****]

This is toxic man child behavior. Honestly. I hope you find someone who actually enjoys you as a person.

[Cu****]

15 minutes ago, ValentineSub said:

This is toxic man child behavior. Honestly. I hope you find someone who actually enjoys you as a person.

Thanks sweetheart me too

[jo****]

I agree with the others who commented. It is easy for a "Dom" to take advantage of the emotional vulnerabilities of others. I use Dom as loosely as possible in this because that is not how one should behave. If a Dom feels like a dynamic is not going to work out. They need to help their partner transition out of that dependency so they can find someone new with minimal suffering. That said, I strongly recommend gradually distancing yourself from partners who give silent treatment because it is a form of *** on a dependent sub and a sign they are not invested in the relationship. Communication is paramount and if a Dom or partner has difficulty or issue with one behavior or matter, they need to have a respectful discussion with you about how they feel and how you both can work it out. Confident companions in the lifestyle are also important. Find a sub and a Dom you are not in a relationship with you can talk to about your relationship who will help you navigate this new chapter in your life. That is my take on this. I hope others will voice their opinions on what I have to say as well.

[Sc****]

Not a dom, nor emotionally mature. The "silent treatment" is a form of emotional ***, not to mention his other shitty behavior.

[Sc****]

FWIW I actually avoid the usage of the term "dom" because, well, I never liked it, but moreso I don't want to be lumped in with the dom archetype. I have my own views on the D/s relationship that likely contradict what "doms" might have to say about things. Keep searching and you'll find the yin to your yang. But until you do, consider any red flag as a free exit pass to depart from the arrangement. C'est la vie.

[El****]

The this app that is based on kinks and fetishes? You might be too vanilla. For he vast majority of people? I’m sure you’re great

[Cu****]

8 minutes ago, Eliza_beth said:

The this app that is based on kinks and fetishes? You might be too vanilla. For he vast majority of people? I’m sure you’re great

That is definitely not the problem. I'm on this site for a reason. 🤣

[Cu****]

38 minutes ago, joebiscuit said:

I agree with the others who commented. It is easy for a "Dom" to take advantage of the emotional vulnerabilities of others. I use Dom as loosely as possible in this because that is not how one should behave. If a Dom feels like a dynamic is not going to work out. They need to help their partner transition out of that dependency so they can find someone new with minimal suffering. That said, I strongly recommend gradually distancing yourself from partners who give silent treatment because it is a form of *** on a dependent sub and a sign they are not invested in the relationship. Communication is paramount and if a Dom or partner has difficulty or issue with one behavior or matter, they need to have a respectful discussion with you about how they feel and how you both can work it out. Confident companions in the lifestyle are also important. Find a sub and a Dom you are not in a relationship with you can talk to about your relationship who will help you navigate this new chapter in your life. That is my take on this. I hope others will voice their opinions on what I have to say as well.

I appreciate that a lot. Thank you for taking the time to respond

[Kalton]

Unfortunately it does happen, personally I'd never treat a submissive that way . Honest open conversation commination is the basis of a good D/s relationship, that is how you build the trust you need .

[Cu****]

1 minute ago, Kalton said:

Unfortunately it does happen, personally I'd never treat a submissive that way . Honest open conversation commination is the basis of a good D/s relationship, that is how you build the trust you need .

I'm glad to hear that this is not the normal and that I'm right and expecting communication. I'm really still sad and disappointed in him though. It's the craziest thing when you think somebody is a whole other person then they really are.

[1Jamie1]

I think this is all to common unfortunately. I can only speak of my own experiences and sometimes think "doms" on her don't have respect for what they are getting it's almost like they feel entitled rather than proud of their subs submission. It's extremely hard to know who is genuine because most people "dating" become the person they think the other person wants rather than being their true selves. This is true for vanilla and kink.
Personally if I'm close to someone and really have a connection to them hearing about their other partners is very difficult to for me if I'm not involved in any of the process like agreeing who they meet etc.
If he's grown to really be attached to you it can make a dom feel disconnected and uncomfortable. Some love it, some not so much. Some try to act fine for *** they look ***. It's hard to know which is which but I think if someone genuinely cares and really respects their role they would have the decency to talk about it. So for that reason alone I think you've found the first type who took what he wanted and moved on. Sorry that happened to you. I've spoke to people on here and they've told me what they do with others and I'm unaffected by it but I've also met someone else who I struggled to hear they've been with someone else.
It depends on the dynamic with me and how deep the connection is how jealous I feel but I'd be honest and open about it and wish more people could show that respect. I've heard of submissives ghosting and leaving because of this too. It's a mine field and choosing wisely is the hardest part of this but also the most important. Kink depression is a real thing and can effect all roles if there isn't enough communication.

[mL****]

I really don't think that sort of thing happens a lot in this specific community. You'll probably find a lot of wonderful people through BDSM over time, but that guy just sounds like a jerk to me. Because he lost interest so quickly, maybe there was something else going on other than your physical distance from each other and he just didn't wanna tell you. But I believe maybe it's best for you to try move on and find someone that has no issues talking about problems in the relationship and in general talking about their feelings.

Once someone ended a relationship officially, they have absolutely no right to still *** their sexual role to get what they want.

[Ki****]

Don’t let him steal your joy of BDSM , don’t give permission for him to disrespect you. There is me out there that will cherish you and treat you with respect. Just hold out and keep looking and build self-esteem and when you are ready, you’ll find the man you are meant to be with that’s the way I believe. Thank you for sharing if you would like I would gladly be your friend and we could always have someone to talk to each other. I’m looking for friends.

[adrenalina75]

4 hours ago, Eliza_beth said:

The this app that is based on kinks and fetishes? You might be too vanilla. For he vast majority of people? I’m sure you’re great

Excuse me?

[Cu****]

2 hours ago, 1Jamie1 said:

I think this is all to common unfortunately. I can only speak of my own experiences and sometimes think "doms" on her don't have respect for what they are getting it's almost like they feel entitled rather than proud of their subs submission. It's extremely hard to know who is genuine because most people "dating" become the person they think the other person wants rather than being their true selves. This is true for vanilla and kink.
Personally if I'm close to someone and really have a connection to them hearing about their other partners is very difficult to for me if I'm not involved in any of the process like agreeing who they meet etc.
If he's grown to really be attached to you it can make a dom feel disconnected and uncomfortable. Some love it, some not so much. Some try to act fine for *** they look ***. It's hard to know which is which but I think if someone genuinely cares and really respects their role they would have the decency to talk about it. So for that reason alone I think you've found the first type who took what he wanted and moved on. Sorry that happened to you. I've spoke to people on here and they've told me what they do with others and I'm unaffected by it but I've also met someone else who I struggled to hear they've been with someone else.
It depends on the dynamic with me and how deep the connection is how jealous I feel but I'd be honest and open about it and wish more people could show that respect. I've heard of submissives ghosting and leaving because of this too. It's a mine field and choosing wisely is the hardest part of this but also the most important. Kink depression is a real thing and can effect all roles if there isn't enough communication.

I completely understand that. I told him from the very beginning I never wanted to hear about any experience he had with another woman because I know myself and how it would make me feel and I wouldn't like it. He respected that that one time when we were discussing a threesome he showed me a picture of a woman performing a sexual act on him and I wanted to throw up and I had to remind him I didn't want to see that. Again though all I had to do was tell him and that was fine. If his feelings changed all he had to do was tell me and I would have respected it but he didn't, he just left. I would have had any conversation with him and figured it out, but he didn't even give me the opportunity.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond to me and give me your perspective.

[tanew]

Ok, i have good and bad experiences, but I would happily be friends, friends within this community are so important as sub/slaves we only really talk to doms so having a circle of sub friends can be really helpful insightful and a fun place to share stories, I will try to add and we can message

[Th****]

The silent treatment is never a good sign. He can't even communicate properly. How he is going to have a successful D/s relationship? 

Sounds like he only cared about sex and not you as a person.

It sucks, but thankfully it ended before you got hurt even worse.

Use this as a learning experience.

Edited 13 hours ago by TheMacabreBrat

[Cu****]

2 hours ago, tanew said:

Ok, i have good and bad experiences, but I would happily be friends, friends within this community are so important as sub/slaves we only really talk to doms so having a circle of sub friends can be really helpful insightful and a fun place to share stories, I will try to add and we can message

I would like that thank you

[Cu****]

4 hours ago, Kimber469ing said:

Don’t let him steal your joy of BDSM , don’t give permission for him to disrespect you. There is me out there that will cherish you and treat you with respect. Just hold out and keep looking and build self-esteem and when you are ready, you’ll find the man you are meant to be with that’s the way I believe. Thank you for sharing if you would like I would gladly be your friend and we could always have someone to talk to each other. I’m looking for friends.

Thank you for that.. I did have me reconsidering all of this but truthfully I already have other people that treat me with respect and I know that's what I deserve. I guess I just have to go through the motions of feeling the betrayal and move on.

[sardonicus87]

I mean, the man said sorry it wasn't working out, then you kept pestering him.
.
No means no, period. He apparently told you no more than once and you badgered him.
.
It's not like he just ghosted you, he said no, then you kept trying to pressure him, even after, according to your own words, he said he couldn't deal with it several times.
.
Jfc, I can't believe this whole thread is trying to call this guy basically a pos. Sometimes stuff doesn't work out, he told you it wasn't. He doesn't owe you anything, nobody owes anyone anything.
.
Just because someone ends up feeling like it's not working out, that doesn't mean you were betrayed. It's not like he cheated on you (if you discussed exclusivity) or something.

[sardonicus87]

It's not even like he made you give up your life and move to the city for him then said "eh, no", or anything even remotely like that from what I am reading... so where exactly is the betrayal and what exactly did he do wrong other than deciding that it wasn't working out, and TELLING YOU that it wasn't and ending it (again, without ghosting or anything)?
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Also, why would you brat at him if he doesn't like that? That's also not fn cool.
.
Sounds like you both should have communicated more up-front and what you do and don't like/want and if you want to brat and he doesn't want a brat, then that should have been communicated and you split ways then.