Etiquette

[Se****]

I think Doms and Dommes should vet their subs like the subs vet their Doms/Dommes. When I found my Dom, we talked about interests and what we were seeking in our roles. We also had a sit down talk to gauge each others reactions and discussions to see if we were a fit for each. Some red flags is when you discuss some of your hard No’s and they either dismiss them, say “well I can change your mind”, or ignore them. Another red flag is that they don’t have a plan for continued, open, and consistent communication for their sub. Consistent communication is necessary, especially after a scene that could result in a sub drop. A red flag is that you should also discuss after care. If they don’t bring it up, the sub should say something about it before a scene is even done because you may not be in the right mind to ask for it depending on the intensity of the scene. If that is also dismissed, ignored, or trying to be manipulated in what they will actually offer you (that is different to your needs), not a real dom/domme. This is to name a few red flags. Good luck.

[Mi****]

  2 hours ago, ChameleonLady said:

The amount of people on here that I've had to block and/or report is absolutely insane! Trying to insult me because I don't do what they want is pathetic. Post honest profiles and be real. Say you're looking for cyber, ons, nsa, etc, and don't message anyone with demands, ffs! If that's what you want then message others who indicate the same thing. You'll have better luck that way!
/rant

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Oh absolutely! I've block several and it's one that can't seem to understand I'm not looking to just peg him for a one night stand! So they get rude and tell me to get on a different dating app. Whether they like it or not I need more of a connection that a message of them begging to be pegged and i dont carw if im local and there isnt other Dommes that are local! They act as if it's only a hook up app and if I wanted just a hook up that is easy to get without this app. I don't answer everyone that messages me at all. I've had several subs that tell me what I can do for them and they never ask what I want then they wonder why I don't respond. It's sad. The ones that say they want LTR then say they want to hookup are amusing. I don't think they understand women are smarter than they think.

[Deleted Member]

IMO it makes no difference what your preference is in the kink world. Just reach out if you like someone and you will find out if they reply x

[Th****]

Doesn't matter who contacts who first. Just don't expect anything in the first message. You aren't in any kind of dynamic so all you need to do is act respectful a d treat them as a person 

[Th****]

  5 hours ago, MistressAman said:

Oh absolutely! I've block several and it's one that can't seem to understand I'm not looking to just peg him for a one night stand! So they get rude and tell me to get on a different dating app. Whether they like it or not I need more of a connection that a message of them begging to be pegged and i dont carw if im local and there isnt other Dommes that are local! They act as if it's only a hook up app and if I wanted just a hook up that is easy to get without this app. I don't answer everyone that messages me at all. I've had several subs that tell me what I can do for them and they never ask what I want then they wonder why I don't respond. It's sad. The ones that say they want LTR then say they want to hookup are amusing. I don't think they understand women are smarter than they think.

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I haven't had to block too many as of yet (I have only been on here a few months). What gets me is all of the men getting angry because they can't message me. They can't seem to understand that I have message filters for a reason. 

[ky****]

Not sure if you've run into this problem yet but submissive men tend to go way too far and just fantasy dump in their opening message.

[Mi****]

  3 hours ago, TheMacabreBrat said:

I haven't had to block too many as of yet (I have only been on here a few months). What gets me is all of the men getting angry because they can't message me. They can't seem to understand that I have message filters for a reason. 

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I'm still pretty new to this app. I've only had them get angry because I won't be their kink dump or one night/one moment stand.

[Mi****]

  4 hours ago, TheMacabreBrat said:

I haven't had to block too many as of yet (I have only been on here a few months). What gets me is all of the men getting angry because they can't message me. They can't seem to understand that I have message filters for a reason. 

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The other thing I don't like is when they get pushy!

[Mi****]

  12 hours ago, Sebas88 said:

I think Doms and Dommes should vet their subs like the subs vet their Doms/Dommes. When I found my Dom, we talked about interests and what we were seeking in our roles. We also had a sit down talk to gauge each others reactions and discussions to see if we were a fit for each. Some red flags is when you discuss some of your hard No’s and they either dismiss them, say “well I can change your mind”, or ignore them. Another red flag is that they don’t have a plan for continued, open, and consistent communication for their sub. Consistent communication is necessary, especially after a scene that could result in a sub drop. A red flag is that you should also discuss after care. If they don’t bring it up, the sub should say something about it before a scene is even done because you may not be in the right mind to ask for it depending on the intensity of the scene. If that is also dismissed, ignored, or trying to be manipulated in what they will actually offer you (that is different to your needs), not a real dom/domme. This is to name a few red flags. Good luck.

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I definitely vet because I still have to protect as a person and make sure they fit my needs and wants. I completely agree with you because you can end up with a sub that doesn't fit the dynamic you have in mind.

[Th****]

  13 hours ago, Sebas88 said:

I think Doms and Dommes should vet their subs like the subs vet their Doms/Dommes. When I found my Dom, we talked about interests and what we were seeking in our roles. We also had a sit down talk to gauge each others reactions and discussions to see if we were a fit for each. Some red flags is when you discuss some of your hard No’s and they either dismiss them, say “well I can change your mind”, or ignore them. Another red flag is that they don’t have a plan for continued, open, and consistent communication for their sub. Consistent communication is necessary, especially after a scene that could result in a sub drop. A red flag is that you should also discuss after care. If they don’t bring it up, the sub should say something about it before a scene is even done because you may not be in the right mind to ask for it depending on the intensity of the scene. If that is also dismissed, ignored, or trying to be manipulated in what they will actually offer you (that is different to your needs), not a real dom/domme. This is to name a few red flags. Good luck.

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I vet more as a Domme than I ever did as a sub. I learned quickly that male subs can be extremely manipulative, disrespectful , and dismissive. They really don't like it when I refuse to give into their needs right away.

[Windwolf]

  1 hour ago, TheMacabreBrat said:

I vet more as a Domme than I ever did as a sub. I learned quickly that male subs can be extremely manipulative, disrespectful , and dismissive. They really don't like it when I refuse to give into their needs right away.

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Subs, male or female that are manipulative, disrespectful, or dismissive should do some research to find out what submissive is.

As a lifelong Dominant , I set the guidelines for what submission means in a relationship with me. If they can't accept that then it's time for them to move on.
Submission belongs to a sub or slave until they entrust it with a Dom or Master.
I simply explain up front what would be expected. If they can't accept that, they should indeed find a suitable match for them.
There are many different dynamics in this lifestyle and I am sure there is someone for everyone.
Sometimes, there's only one in a lifetime that is the perfect match.
I am inclined to teach someone who is willing to accept my way.
However, they need to understand that my way is not negotiable.

[Th****]

  4 hours ago, Windwolf said:

Subs, male or female that are manipulative, disrespectful, or dismissive should do some research to find out what submissive is.

As a lifelong Dominant , I set the guidelines for what submission means in a relationship with me. If they can't accept that then it's time for them to move on.
Submission belongs to a sub or slave until they entrust it with a Dom or Master.
I simply explain up front what would be expected. If they can't accept that, they should indeed find a suitable match for them.
There are many different dynamics in this lifestyle and I am sure there is someone for everyone.
Sometimes, there's only one in a lifetime that is the perfect match.
I am inclined to teach someone who is willing to accept my way.
However, they need to understand that my way is not negotiable.

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I started out as a submissive because I was taught that's how women should be. I tried for 8 years but was never happy. I have only been a Domme for two years. While I did get a few dominants giving me a list of demands as their first message. My whole time as I Domme; I have yet to have a male sub not send me a list of things that he wants to do to him. The majority of men that claim to be submissive; don't even want to submit at all 🙄

[Be****]

  Saturday at 08:58 PM, ChameleonLady said:

I agree except for what you put in your profile. Sadly, I have found that if one gives too much information on their profile then they'll get messages from people saying that's exactly what they want and it's rarely the truth.

Just be careful! If you ever have any questions feel free to reach out to someone you trust on here. If you ever get a weird vibe then trust your gut!! The "No Thanks" option is there for very good reasons.

Have fun with it. Reach out politely and see where it goes. 😊

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Thank you, there's been some great advice on this thread. It does feel quite daunting reaching out, especially reading some of the comments about having to block people, people asking just for fantasy fulfilment etc. Does this mean a lot of people are wary of receiving messages in the first place? And does that also mean it's even more difficult to connect in a meaningful way?
It's been a long time since I've ventured online and I'm just slowly feeling my way in

[Windwolf]

  3 hours ago, rhondda486024 said:

Thank you, there's been some great advice on this thread. It does feel quite daunting reaching out, especially reading some of the comments about having to block people, people asking just for fantasy fulfilment etc. Does this mean a lot of people are wary of receiving messages in the first place? And does that also mean it's even more difficult to connect in a meaningful way?
It's been a long time since I've ventured online and I'm just slowly feeling my way in

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I don't think it so much that people don't want to message.
I think it's probably got more to do with the amount of scammers that have infiltrated our space. It causes some of us to be skeptical and a bit distant.

My advice would be to just take it slow and stay respectful.

30 years ago things were different and it was easy for discussions to spring up in no time.

I tend to make it easy on myself. If I see a profile that is basically blank I skip it.

Most people who are serious are going to check profiles I believe. So put what you want people to know on your profile and update it from time to time.

[Ba****]

  18 hours ago, Windwolf said:

Subs, male or female that are manipulative, disrespectful, or dismissive should do some research to find out what submissive is.

As a lifelong Dominant , I set the guidelines for what submission means in a relationship with me. If they can't accept that then it's time for them to move on.
Submission belongs to a sub or slave until they entrust it with a Dom or Master.
I simply explain up front what would be expected. If they can't accept that, they should indeed find a suitable match for them.
There are many different dynamics in this lifestyle and I am sure there is someone for everyone.
Sometimes, there's only one in a lifetime that is the perfect match.
I am inclined to teach someone who is willing to accept my way.
However, they need to understand that my way is not negotiable.

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Respectfully, i think you’re either looking at this the wrong way, or perhaps I have misinterpreted your post.
When you enter negotiations with someone, you do so as equals looking to see if you are compatible to enter a power exchange relationship with that person. Without started off like this, you will never have true enthusiastically and freely given consent.
As such, the submissive should honestly state what they can offer, but so should the Dominant. Obviously, you should know yourself well enough to know what sort of person you need to fit in a dynamic with you, but the focus during the early days should never be on what a person can give.
Perhaps, I’m being unfair because you’ve only focussed on one side as it’s all you consider relevant for the discussion.
But as a submissive, I would be very wary of a Dominant who simply listed their expectations of how I were to give them my submission and devotion, yet didn’t mention how they would encourage me to feel safe and free enough to do so.
A lot of what you write I agree with, but being manipulative, disrespectful, dismissive, and I’m going to add dishonest, are red flag behaviours exhibited by both sides of the slash. They are problems for everyone in this world to look out for.
I don’t feel your post even touched on the question being asked in the op, so apologies if I missed a previous post from you.

[ey****]

  On 2/8/2025 at 11:54 AM, rhondda486024 said:

Hi, as a novice, can I ask the etiquette of who should make first contact, Domme or sub? Thank you x

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there's no overall right or wrong way, although some folk do have views; for example some subs like the idea of being "Picked" but that is of course being picked by someone respectable and experienced, not just anyone

Some Dominants, especially female Dominants, would not make the first move and expect subs to approach respectfully with a view to making a good impression

For me; I've had successful encounters after making the first approach, or being approached first.  

Mind, of course - a lot helps if you only approach those who *genuinely* interest you, and that you do at least some basic vetting if someone contacts you first.

[Windwolf]

  5 hours ago, BackRubsNBruises said:

Respectfully, i think you’re either looking at this the wrong way, or perhaps I have misinterpreted your post.
When you enter negotiations with someone, you do so as equals looking to see if you are compatible to enter a power exchange relationship with that person. Without started off like this, you will never have true enthusiastically and freely given consent.
As such, the submissive should honestly state what they can offer, but so should the Dominant. Obviously, you should know yourself well enough to know what sort of person you need to fit in a dynamic with you, but the focus during the early days should never be on what a person can give.
Perhaps, I’m being unfair because you’ve only focussed on one side as it’s all you consider relevant for the discussion.
But as a submissive, I would be very wary of a Dominant who simply listed their expectations of how I were to give them my submission and devotion, yet didn’t mention how they would encourage me to feel safe and free enough to do so.
A lot of what you write I agree with, but being manipulative, disrespectful, dismissive, and I’m going to add dishonest, are red flag behaviours exhibited by both sides of the slash. They are problems for everyone in this world to look out for.
I don’t feel your post even touched on the question being asked in the op, so apologies if I missed a previous post from you.

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That part of the thread was about submissives that were being disrespectful. It wasn't about Doms being disrespectful or I would have addressed that as well.

My longest dynamic lasted 41 years.
It's not likely that relationship will be replicated. But 41 years does give me a definitive knowledge of what it will take for a lasting relationship with me.

I am a 24/7 Dominant, not just in the bedroom.
BDSM play and BDSM life is two totally different worlds.
I prefer to let someone know what they would be facing with me rather than waste their time. If they are open to my lifestyle, then we can start negotiations.
I believe in being up front and direct.

Now just for the record, A Dom should always set the example of respect. Neither Dom nor sub should be disrespectful.

A long term dynamic between Dom and sub should always be based on respect, truth and love.

There are many different types of relationships in BDSM. My first BDSM experience was in Gorean lifestyle. It established some of my long time practices, but I ultimately developed my own guiding principles.

[ky****]

@Sebas88is absolutely correct. Trust is a two way street. See as a dom i need to be able to trust that if something happens during a scene that's making you feel uncomfortable, I need to be able to trust you'll actually communicate that to me in the moment. I'm only human and I'm capable of making mistakes and being wrong, I'm relying on your feedback to craft the best possible dynamic with you.

[Da****]

There is no etiquette around who reaches out first, but the important thing is context, respect and boundaries. When you reach out you should do so without expectations or feeling like your entitled to anything from the person you reached out to. We are all humans behind the internet wall and even when it comes to BDSM, mutual respect should be at the center of every conversation.