Feeling guilty for feeling

[Deleted Member]

I’ve seen a lot of disparaging comments about “Pleasure Doms,” like they are not real Doms.

Is it really unattractive that a man wants to please a woman as well as please himself?

How can I turn off the empathy?

[BlackWidow]

It's not at all, if any dom says that to you then I would be debating on whether he is a real dom. As most genuine real people will have respect for others in regards to who/how they are and their kinks.

[Ch****]

Don't turn off the empathy. Be yourself, and those that disparage are wrong. Pleasure dom is a weird thing anyway...we should all be after our partner's pleasure. Even in our most sadistic play, which may be designed and implemented by Chrome...jenna is still getting pleasure from it. Because sometimes she enjoys not enjoying it...REALLY enjoys. If only one of us got pleasure at all...we wouldn't do it.

[Katzmewz]

Please find me a pleasure Dom one I can spoil ...

[La****]

Nah dude. Dont. If anything, that is your selling value. Bcs there are subs who are into pleasure doms. Dont ever erase yourself just bcs ppl who arent you—said so. We suppose to have different preferences anyway.

[Di****]

Dude, I'm a pleasure dom, we do exist, a lot of people acknowledge we exist, maybe not so much on here but yeah. Don't get discouraged, only the fake doms try and disparage us because they feel threatened. It's not easy finding subs anyway let me assure you, but trust me, once you do find one she'll be enamoured because a lot of these 'doms' only want what they can get from the sub, however we make it our mission to fulfil them fully and by doing so it fulfils us. Never give up being you.

[ey****]

to be honest; pretty much every group gets some form of disparaging comments; some of which is just part of the territory - some of which is sometimes grossly unfair.

I guess something though; these are not your people.

On a slight other hand - it's a term only really used in recent years - even if the style of sexual play is nothing new at all.  I think this sometimes puts folk out a bit, cos it feels like a 'new fad' when actually it's just a name for an already existing style.  

[PetrusM]

I think, that is the only way of beeing a real Dom. You need to see, what kind of pleasure pleases the sub and be prepared to give it to her. It may be *** or orgasm or something completely different or everything at once.

[Th****]

I identify as a pleasure Dom. Through no fault of my own. A medical condition testicular cancer and treatments did cure but left ongoing problems. One of which is erectile dysfunction. Only able to sail half mast if you get my meaning.
However at 58 years old my pilot light still remains fully on. So 3 years ago decided to research all about a Woman's body and did I learn.
A woman has 8 individual places on her body that when stimulated. Can result in orgasms!!. The exact spot. To stimulate to bring continuous body trembling intense orgasms over and over again. I researched the way to connect on a mental capacity, using our biggest sex organ, The Mind, our imagination. To Give her the most satisfying deep orgasms. The most the best she's ever experienced. Brother's trust me it's all out there. I'm nothing special but with my tools and knowledge I've learned. Making a woman cum on demand into double figures is like ABC 123...
I have no reason or will to lie you just have to research it. You will be amazed , don't be like 95% of other men learn to totally satisfy her before yourself. It pays wonders...

[Windwolf]

Well my post will probably be deleted but I'm going to make it anyway. Mainly because I have lived long enough to experience the numerous ways that *** and pleasure go hand in hand.
40 years ago, all of us would probably have said there are few Doms here at all.
I'm still trying to adjust to just how much things have changed.
But, if you think about it ,there is a point when pleasure becomes intense ***.
1. Multiple orgasims.
I have controlled female subs orgasims to the point that they would plead with me to stop making them climax. Why, because each orgasim causes nerve endings to become more and more sensitive until it feels like skin is literally on fire.
That same control allowed me to command my sub to climax right on the spot. I often did this at restaurants grocery stores, and one on a tour bus.
I could look into my subs eyes across a crowded room and smile and will a slight nod of my head she would immediately climax.

Dominance isn't about *** or pleasure. It's about control.

I am a pleasure Dom. And I could convert 90 percent of the subs of those Doms who think pleasure Doms are not real Doms, into trembling, whimpering piles of sensual flesh begging, pleading for mercy.

I won't even talk about tickle ***, ice and wax play as well as dozens of sensory deprivations that explodes a climax into a blazing inferno.
Just because someone hasn't lived long enough to have gained experience in a broad field of experience doesn't mean they have to limit themselves to the one planet they think makes up the universe.

[tr****]

Pleasure doms are pinnacle top selves items. Just like pleasure I like giving that perfect amount of *** and then some for good measure. But I feel like the lack of trust and communication leads to generations of subs to be lost in because of a lack of confidence or over confidence in their opinions. Accepting suggestions is my best opinions for subs because doing what you want isn’t always good leaving yourself closed off to opportunities.

[Bu****]

Believe it my man, you are mostly talking to or reading from inexperienced women. And or folks who are trying to redefine the entire scene and culture for their personal gain.
When in reality they're just setting themselves up for the inevitable. Be it disappointment or a disturbing event.
Pleasure doms put the feminine first and the feminine then allows him to take control. There's no change in that power dynamic. Never has been.
If they want to be misused/*** all they have to do is communicate said desires.
If you as a pleasure dom cannot fulfill said desires then you are not a true pleasure Dom.
Big problem is the new restrictions upon approach. It's wild: you'll have a post that indicates "talk dirty to me, call me a slut" and so in. You do so and you've crossed boundaries. That's where things are getting convoluted.
You're either too nice or too rough. Very tough figuring out power dynamics these days. Very tough.

[go****]

As a pleasure dom myself it's definitely hard getting into conversations with others ,I feel ya it's like pleasure doms are an outcast in most communities.But stay true to what you are and like.Sub are definitely not easy to find,but keep your head up and don't let anyone shame you.Pleasure Doms do exist,we are around,and alot of us you wouldn't even know it.

[La****]

Disparaging someone for focusing on pleasuring a woman is simple toxic masculinity. It is the same as questioning a man who likes to sub or switch. These guys think dominance is just taking what you want and that it’s somehow emasculating to attune and adjust your approach to please your partner. Pretty sure being attentive and giving women orgasms is a good thing for anyone’s sex life? perhaps they haven’t actually seen it happen?

[Windwolf]

  Friday at 11:48 PM, BullinTheSheets said:

Believe it my man, you are mostly talking to or reading from inexperienced women. And or folks who are trying to redefine the entire scene and culture for their personal gain.
When in reality they're just setting themselves up for the inevitable. Be it disappointment or a disturbing event.
Pleasure doms put the feminine first and the feminine then allows him to take control. There's no change in that power dynamic. Never has been.
If they want to be misused/*** all they have to do is communicate said desires.
If you as a pleasure dom cannot fulfill said desires then you are not a true pleasure Dom.
Big problem is the new restrictions upon approach. It's wild: you'll have a post that indicates "talk dirty to me, call me a slut" and so in. You do so and you've crossed boundaries. That's where things are getting convoluted.
You're either too nice or too rough. Very tough figuring out power dynamics these days. Very tough.

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I hate to tell you this but you have been badly misinformed about pleasure Doms and subs.
Your assumption is that all subs want and need *** and ***.
That's just not the case.
Nothing about redefining anything. It's been this way for at least the last 40 years that I personally know of.
What is new is people trying to eliminate the positive side of BDSM.

As far as disappointment goes, I was married to my sub wife for 41 years and not one single time was either of us disappointed.

From my point of view, you don't know what you are missing.

You see it's seems to me that subs who crave punishment are the ones in charge. If they desire to be punished all they have to do is act up and they get what they want. That is manipulation no matter how you look at. Cause and effect.

In reality, it's not up to me or anyone else to define the dynamics that other people live by.

As for me, well I have been a Dom longer than most people on here have even been alive. I'm pretty sure I have a handle on it and my dominance doesn't end at the bedroom door. It's entirely part of my personality and my life.

I don't have to have anyone to validate me because I have never met anyone dominant enough to qualify for that.

Enjoy your experience and if you live long enough, and are successful in maintaining long term relationships, you will be able to see the challenges that you have gone through as well well as the changes and growth you have gone through. If that's not the case, prepare for stagnating relationships and a life of boredom.

I respect how you choose to live your life. That is your choice and the choice of the sub/s who serve you.

But don't try to define me you have neither the experience nor the knowledge to do so.

[Ka****]

As a submissive to a pleasure Dom I have learned so much! The way He is turned on with what he is doing to make me cum makes me cum even more. From barely being able to have one orgasm to now, 15-20 is such a turn on for Him which makes me allowing Him to do (almost) whatever he wants to with me.

[Th****]

Nobody should want anyone to turn off empathy, one could argue that it's even necessary.

If you're having feelings of guilt over over feeling that's something you should probably sit with and unpack a bit. Feelings and emotions are a normal part of the human condition, it is important to process and express them in healthy and productive ways. 

I'm prone to dismissing any "advice" that includes any type of mention of "true, fake or only way to" as this simply isn't a thing. Rather more appropriate descriptors would be decent, safer, knowledgeable, respectful, ethical and such. 

  On 2/14/2025 at 3:11 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

to be honest; pretty much every group gets some form of disparaging comments; some of which is just part of the territory - some of which is sometimes grossly unfair.

I guess something though; these are not your people.

On a slight other hand - it's a term only really used in recent years - even if the style of sexual play is nothing new at all.  I think this sometimes puts folk out a bit, cos it feels like a 'new fad' when actually it's just a name for an already existing style.  

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That last part especially. Simply being a "Dominant" does not exclude one from giving pleasure or recieving pleasure from giving pleasure. For many it's an unnecessary specification and can possibly cause one to be wary of anyone self labeling as such. There are many men using the title who are problematic, although there are many who are problematic in general. 

  On 2/14/2025 at 5:59 PM, Windwolf said:

Dominance isn't about *** or pleasure. It's about control.

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Most of all, this. Not to be confused with being domineering. 

My personal observation and opinion is that many people who identify as "Pleasure Doms" are much more accurately labeled as service tops as there isn't much actual power exchange and control happening in much of what they like and enjoy. Which is *fine* D/s isn't a requirement to participate in kink and BDSM, it doesn't make one "less" kinky. I do wish more people would understand the differences between what a Dominant and a top are as well as submissive and bottom. 

If your overall relationship is egalitarian or your kink is "bedroom only" you're probably a top and not a actually a Dominant and that's perfectly acceptable. Things can also vary between partners, with partner A you might have an egalitarian relationship without D/s, partner B there might be clear D/s roles and with Partner C you might switch, be more fluid, have a more casual or lenient D/s relationship. This is why very specific discussion, negotiations and agreement is so important, don't just make assumptions. 

[Windwolf]

  1 hour ago, ThaliaV said:

Nobody should want anyone to turn off empathy, one could argue that it's even necessary.

If you're having feelings of guilt over over feeling that's something you should probably sit with and unpack a bit. Feelings and emotions are a normal part of the human condition, it is important to process and express them in healthy and productive ways. 

I'm prone to dismissing any "advice" that includes any type of mention of "true, fake or only way to" as this simply isn't a thing. Rather more appropriate descriptors would be decent, safer, knowledgeable, respectful, ethical and such. 

Most of all, this. Not to be confused with being domineering. 

My personal observation and opinion is that many people who identify as "Pleasure Doms" are much more accurately labeled as service tops as there isn't much actual power exchange and control happening in much of what they like and enjoy. Which is *fine* D/s isn't a requirement to participate in kink and BDSM, it doesn't make one "less" kinky. I do wish more people would understand the differences between what a Dominant and a top are as well as submissive and bottom. 

If your overall relationship is egalitarian or your kink is "bedroom only" you're probably a top and not a actually a Dominant and that's perfectly acceptable. Things can also vary between partners, with partner A you might have an egalitarian relationship without D/s, partner B there might be clear D/s roles and with Partner C you might switch, be more fluid, have a more casual or lenient D/s relationship. This is why very specific discussion, negotiations and agreement is so important, don't just make assumptions. 

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Unfortunately, many people that identify as Doms aren't Doms at all.
Dominant isn't a title. It's a personality trait.

A person with a dominant personality doesn't turn it off and on.

I have a ENTJ personality. Being in charge isn't what I do,it's who I am.

Unfortunately many people who have been "trained " to be Doms, were taught by people who thought they were Doms.

Dominant isn't just a word that applies to BDSM. It applies to all of creation. Even wildlife.

Dominant doesn't have a switch that you can flip to turn it off and on.

Kink definitely has many aspects and there are no hard and fast rules.

Classification how ever is different. At least it used to be. Now swinging seems to be a fixture in the BDSM culture

I remember when Doms would tell you that switch is just another word for bipolar.

So, it seems that culture changes, but word definitions are the same.

Unfortunately today too many people are reluctant to call misunderstandings.

There was a time when dedicated subs and slaves would call out someone who claimed to be a Dom and was not.
Or even a Dom that was acting disrespectful or outright rude.

I don't expect to see things go back to the old ways , but I hope that new people coming in will be lucky enough to find true guidance from dedicated people Doms and subs that will lead them respectfully and correctly.

A lot of people come and leave because they didn't get the knowledge they sought and a lot of old school people come and leave because they don't recognize much of what they see.

I see some really great people who know what to say and do ,but are reluctant to say what they feel.

Right is right and wrong is wrong. It's that simple to me.

We are what we are and we should be proud of what ever that is and try to be the best "me" that "I " can be.

But, we should not allow the confusion of others confuse us.

[Th****]

  9 minutes ago, Windwolf said:

Dominant isn't a title. It's a personality trait.

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It's both/and not either/or.  Dominance within the context of bdsm is not the same as having a "dominant" personality. Though being an actual personality trait at all is also arguable, there's a lot of bs pseudoscience out there floating around that people believe. 

 

  16 minutes ago, Windwolf said:

I remember when Doms would tell you that switch is just another word for bipolar.

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This is a prime example of some things absolutely *should* change because they're flat wrong and deserving of ridicule. There's so much ick there. 

[Th****]

Not having any empathy is only a bad thing. 

[ey****]

  2 hours ago, ThaliaV said:

My personal observation and opinion is that many people who identify as "Pleasure Doms" are much more accurately labeled as service tops as there isn't much actual power exchange and control happening in much of what they like and enjoy. Which is *fine* D/s isn't a requirement to participate in kink and BDSM, it doesn't make one "less" kinky. I do wish more people would understand the differences between what a Dominant and a top are as well as submissive and bottom. 

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I'm going to add in agreement.  A lot in 'Pleasure Dom' is just a repackage 'Service Top' - and maybe it's deemed to be a cooler sounding label, I dunno - but I feel it contributes to why some do not like the term.

I could also be slightly tongue in check and say - you don't hear the term 'Pleasure Sub' - what would a Pleasure Sub look like? Oh, acting in a certain way that appeals to the other person and prioritises their pleasure/orgasm.  Which is the same as a 'Pleasure Dom'.

And I think this is sometimes why... it's a term that kinda feels right for the person giving themselves the role; but there'd need to be a little understanding from them why others might not see it the same way also.  Even if that might suck. 

[Windwolf]

Using pleasure *** rather than *** *** is nothing new. In fact it's as old as BDSM itself and maybe older than the term.

There are hundreds of ways to make a sub beg both from pleasure and from ***. Knowing how to manipulate nerve endings and neuro transmitters takes a great deal more effort and knowledge than just making a sub climax.
The reason you don't hear about tongue in cheek pleasure subs is simple. It's because any sub is *** to pleasure *** done properly.

[Gr****]

  On 2/13/2025 at 7:32 AM, New2ThisDallas said:

How can I turn off the empathy?

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Substance addiction? Get repeatedly mistreated by someone, perhaps? However, assuming you don't actually want to end up acting like a raging asshat due to unresolved trauma ...

I suspect that the detractors aren't clear on the difference between service tops and pleasure doms. If one allows for a distinction between tops (the person applying the sensation) and doms (the person giving orders), then it should be clear that while a top can take any role (submissive, switch, dominant) a dominant can give what orders they like ("hold still," "stay quiet," "show me how you touch yourself," "bend over," "tell me the fantasy that makes you cum the hardest," etc.)

You know who you are. Ideally, so do your fans.

[tr****]

I’m must be confused on terms because it’s really about me getting my rocks off while doing the bare minimum for her and it seems
To work out out. But I feel ego plays a big role in today’s ignorance.

[Th****]

  27 minutes ago, trojanbrownboi said:

it’s really about me getting my rocks off while doing the bare minimum for her and it seems
To work out out.

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Did you really mean to say that the way that you did?