Shadows of My Soul: A Path to Light

[Sa****]

My life was a canvas of contradictions – vibrant laughter splattered across abusive childhood scars and toxic marriage bruises. Joy and *** coexisted in my soul like parallel universes. The darkness began early. The day my biological mother left this world, I was only 11 months old – a permanent ache etched on my heart. Growing up in a house of silence and ***, my father's passive heart allowed my stepmother's *** to reign supreme. My older siblings fled at age 5, leaving me alone to face the monster and feeling abandoned.

Desperate to escape my childhood of horror, I ran into his arms at 18 – a handsome face, full of promises of a forever love, all turned out to be lies. Forever turned out to be 32 years of hell – slaps and fists flying after our *** were born, and verbal venom destroying my soul. I protected my *** with my body and soul, taking as much as I could so they wouldn’t be touched, though some scars still reached them…

I finally got the strength to file a police report, and he was arrested for domestic ***. We separated and divorce papers were drawn up, ready to be signed – just 5 days from freedom... Meanwhile, family chains bound me: my dad's illness needed my care, then mother-in-law's frailty demanded my devotion. Years passed, love turned to duty, duty turned to resentment. My body broke – a nervous breakdown diagnosed as CPTSD. My heart still shielded our *** from his wrath until they were grown and could escape his shadow.

Now, waiting for my daughter to gather her strength from following in my own footsteps with DV in her marriage – but thankfully she was strong enough with my help to escape with her son and divorce him.
I've built walls around my soul. Celibate for 10 years – choosing solitude over surrender. Yet whispers in my soul of Laughter and submission but that can only happen if I’m safe. A haunting beauty – could that be my path of healing?
As I look back, I realize that my "Little" self remained a vital part of me due to the traumatic experiences of my childhood. Unable to have a carefree childhood, my inner child's development was caged leaving this part of me frozen in time. My Little self is a reminder of the innocence and playfulness I was denied.
Alongside my Little self, a brat/warrior emerged to protect me from the trauma and *** I suffered. Others saw this behavior as "bratty," but I now recognize it as a vital coping mechanism.
Beneath this warrior exterior, I've always been a submissive soul. This submission only is freed when i feel safe and when I'm with someone I trust implicitly. As I continue on my healing journey, I envision my Little self evolving, becoming less prominent as my inner child heals. Though it may not disappear completely, its presence will become more subtle, i believe allowing my more authentic, whole self to emerge.

In this fragile dance between darkness and light, I choose to believe: one day, I’ll feel safe and be whole and that will be my most beautiful self.