I had always been a relationship type ghoul..

[de****]

I had always been a relationship type ghoul.. I started romantically pairing up in my ***s—long distance, same sex etc. I wanted all the love. Long term and monogamously devoted.
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It’s been a couple of years since I left my last relationship. The relationship I had spent half of my 20’s learning unhealthy habits in. The relationship that I was made to feel shame for the way I loved. The longest relationship I had been involved in. I became afraid that my love was too resilient, that no matter how anyone treated me—the good and bad— that I would stay loyal. That scared me out of allowing myself to love.

While trying to leave that abusive relationship for the third time, Daddy and I had reconnected. And with him, I had seen my unhealthy habits carry over—and from then on out I promised to stay single.
No one deserved to feel the second hand embarrassment from my love. No one deserved to suffer from an unhealed version of me. Giving my all to a love that never allowed touch. Like a showroom decorated and garnished for adoration but never allowed for leisure.

In the couple of years I allowed myself, I learned, reflected and cried and shouted, rioted, hated and loved, forgave and expressed compassion. I had those hard conversations with the people I hold close to my heart. I said my goodbyes to community that pushed me towards growth because it made me uncomfortable. I grieved a pregnancy alone because I didn’t trust anyone to hold that space with me; I found myself going against advice I often preached to my people, “it is ok to share the weight of heavy emotions… you aren’t alone and no one should be made to work through this alone.”

I had love to give and I needed to channel it out in healthier ways but I couldn’t have gotten to a place of acceptance without the work—I knew this. But I didn’t know how much of me I had to lose in order to gain more of myself back. I wasn’t prepared for the life lessons that came to me this past year— nothing could prepare anyone for an entire community revamp.

The hard work has paid off. It has allowed me to find the version of me that’s ready to accept the healthy, reciprocated and non triggering prospects that approach me. It’s allowed my love to flourish and shine bright through the acceptance and appreciation. It’s allowed me to face the *** I once found comfort in, the *** that became too normalized that healthy anything felt like a threat. That the extra effort that was needed from me felt intangible.

As the months went by I felt lighter. Floating almost. I saw it reflect in my work, my goals, my interpersonal relationships. It turns out that feeling lighter really does make the sky seem like it can be obtainable; less shame, more love.

My miscarriage taught me that there will be parts of me that are ok to say goodbye. Even if I wasn’t aware I had them. I was reminded of the power of community and compassion. The ebbs and flows of grieving. To flow with every part of myself without any resistance but only allowance. Becoming my own safe space and compassionate ATM.
And baby do I feel like I’ve won the jackpot.

[Deleted Member]

That was an amazing read. I wondered where it was going at times though I am delighted you are out of that dark place. I do have to say though from the male perspective i found there was only me when my ex-wife miscarried all the help was hers and I reacted as you did but it took me a decade to find me again and when I did the marriage was dead. Anyway good luck and if you ever want to say hi. Please do so.

[La****]

That was very powerful. It's really insidious the ways a toxic relationship can inflict trauma that sows distrust and isolation in other aspects of life. I'm very relieved to hear how you've taken steps to grow beyond that *** and build a better life for yourself. You should be proud.

[Ki****]

That was a amazing read I must agree, said with such heart ♥️