Something to make you smile in these troubled times.

[Ze****]

Two Whales !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

  A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air hole at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
  They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let`s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
  At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
  "Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

[Mickey10]

Zeus to clever my friend

[Ze****]

Glad you liked it.

 

[cautiousswitch]

A restaurant was really busy one day and in his rush to get an order out to a table one of the servers tripped and spilled a bowl of minestrone in another customer's lap.  Before he could apologize the man cried out, "Waiter, there's a soup in my fly."

[Ze****]

IMC

  A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realising that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
  He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
  She replied, "He's probably golfing with his friends"

[Ze****]

$20
   On their wedding night, the young bride Approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
  This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
  Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. during the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
  Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
  She explained that for the more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
  Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'
  That's when she shot him.
  You know, sometimes, men just don't know whento keep their mouths shut.

[cautiousswitch]

A spaceship lands in a small rural town one night and two aliens get out.  It's such a small town that there's no night life and most places are closed.  The aliens wander around until they come to a gas station. 

Before his partner can stop him, one of the aliens walks up to one o the gas pumps and demands, "Take me to your leader."

"Come on," the other alien says, trying to pull him away.  "We probably shouldn't mess with this guy."

The first alien shakes his friend off and is a little perturbed that the gas pump doesn't answer and demands again, "Take me to your leader."

"'I'm sure we can find somebody more helpful," the second alien says.  "Let's move on and not bother this nice gentleman any more.

The gas pump says nothing.

"This is your last chance, earthling," the first alien says as he pulls out his ray gun and menaces the gas pump.

"Oh crap," the second alien mutters and starts to back away.

The gas pump says nothing.

"If that's the way you want it, earthling!" And the first alien fires.  The gas tank explodes.  Both aliens are thrown a block down the street.

The two alien get unsteadily to their feet and start to nurse their wounds.

"I told you we should have just walked away," the second alien complained.

"How could you have possibly known he was going to do that?"

"Look, pal, when a guy can wrap his dick around his body and stick it in his ear he's got to be one tough dude."

[Ze****]

Afternoon

 Two Muslim mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photographs and they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He'd be 24 years old now." "Yes, I remember him as a baby," says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now," mum confides. "O! That's so sad dear," says the other.

"And this is my second son, Kalid. He'd be 21 now," says the first Muslim mother. "Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such dark, curly hair when he was born." "Yes, Well, he's a martyr, too now," says the mother quietly. "Oh! Good gracious me," says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He'd be 18 now," whispers the first Muslim mother. "Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school." "He's a martyr too now" says the Muslim mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully At the photographs and says: "They blow up so fast, don't they?"

[Ze****]

WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST ?

  The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question:"When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
  Suzy raised her hand and said: "I think it's your hands!"

  "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"
  Suzy replied: "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes you hands first."
  "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.
  Little Roy Sullivan raised his hand and said: "***, I think it's your legs!"
  The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. "Now, Roy, why do you think it would be your legs?"
  Little Roy said: "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God, I'm coming!" If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."
The nun fainted.

[Ze****]

Dad at the shopping centre 

  I took my dad shopping the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a ***ager sitting next to him. The ***ager had spiked hair in all different colors: green , red , orange , and blue. My dad kept staring at him.  The ***ager would look and find him staring every time. When the  ***ager had enough , he sarcastically asked , 'What's the matter old man ,   never done anything wild In your life?'
  Knowing my Dad , I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not *** on his response; knowing he would have a good one.

  And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.]

  'Got drunk once and f * cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Ze****]

Nymphomaniac

 

  A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat. As he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?" She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business". 
  I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States". He swallowed hard ... here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" 
  "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?" "Well," she explained, " one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish. Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and quiet. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name." 
  "Tonto," the man said... "Tonto Papadopoulos , but my friends call me Paddy."

[Ze****]

The Nun And The Cabbie

 

A cabbie picks up a Nun.

She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.

She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have sex with a nun.'

She responds,
'Well, let's see what we can do about that:
#1, You have to be single
#2, You must be Catholic.
# 3, I have to save my virginity, you will have to enter me from behind.

The cab driver is very excited and says,
'Yes, I'm single, Catholic, and Im happy to enter from behind!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The nun fulfills his fantasy, in a way that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party.'

[cautiousswitch]

Two friends come across each other in the park and one of them is riding a new bike.

"That's a nice bike," the other one says, "but last time we talked you were out of ***.  How did you get it."

"You'll never believe this," the guy with the bike said.  "It happened just a few days ago in this very park."

"Really?"

"Yes, I was walking along and this gorgeous woman rode up on it.  She jumped off, tore her clothes off, and told me, 'If anything looks good to you just reach out and grab it.' Well, I knew I'd look silly in her clothes but figured, hey, free bike, why not? So I took it."

[Ze****]

The Pregnant ***ager.

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari Stops in front of their house.

A mature and distinguished man with grey Hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry Her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a Townhouse, a beachfront villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, I'm not really sure what to do. What do you suggest?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him..

"You shag her again."

[Vandalslut]

Since Zeus has been doing his best to make us smile, I thought he might like a day off.  I just received this one and had to share it:

A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his *** pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

[cautiousswitch]

The Treatment

A man shows up at the hospital and asks to see someone from the administrative staff.  He introduces himself as an agent from the Department of Health and tells the hospital director that the department is doing a study of health costs and he would like a tour of the hospital.  The director agrees.

As they are looking around they stop at a bare room which is a little bigger than a closet; there is a man inside masturbating.  The DOH agent is naturally curious about this and asks what is going on.

"This man has a rare condition where his body is continuously producing semen.  If left unchecked it could build up to toxic levels, so he masturbates for an hour a day.  We have him come in so that we can check his vital signs before and afterwards to make sure he isn't overexerting himself."

The next room they visit is like the first only a little bigger and there is a bed in it.  There's a man lying on the bed masturbating.

"This man has the same condition as the man we just saw but it's at a far more advanced stage.  His treatments are twice as long and it's possible he could faint from exhaustion, so we have him lie down so that if he does faint he won't fall and hurt himself."

The next room they visit is a big elaborately furnished room.  There's a king sized, four posted bed with silk sheets.  Scented candles are burning on mahogany bed stands.  Music is playing.  A nurse's uniform lie crumpled on the floor and two people, presumably the patient and his nurse, are going at it.

"This man has the same condition as the last two., but his insurance plan covers treatment."

[Ze****]

The Rabbit and the Blonde

  A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an *** lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
  A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
  "I feel terrible," ! he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
  The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
  She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit. The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
  Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
  The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"
  The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says..

 

(Are you ready for this?)

 

(Are you sure?)

(This is bad!)

(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)

(You know you could just click off and not read the punch line....)

(You can still delete it)

 

 

(You know you're gonna be sorry)

 

 

 

 

(Last chance)

 

 

 

 

(OK, here it is)

 

 

 

 

It says,

"Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."

[Ze****]

A Man And His Duck

  There is this man who has a duck for his best friend and pet. This man takes his duck everywhere he goes. The best thing they like to do together is see western movies, they just love them.

  While walking down the street one day they came across a movie theatre that is playing their all time favourite western, so the man decides to go inside and watch the movie, but the woman selling the tickets says "I'm sorry but there are no ducks allowed in the theatre".

  The man was outraged and really wanted to see the movie, so he went around the corner and shoved the duck down his pants then goes into the theatre to see the movie. Once in, he gets to his seat and pulls down his Zipper so the duck can watch the movie with him.

  Along come two girls who sit beside him.

  A short time later the first girl says to the second girl "This man's Zipper is down"

  The second girl replies "So what, you've seen one you've seen them all".

  First Girl "Yeah but this one has eaten my popcorn!"

[Ze****]

Hunting' Bear
  Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He travelled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it.
  Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, 'That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex.' After considering briefly, Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.
  Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, 'That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have 'rough sex.' Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.
  Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder.  He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there.
  The polar bear looked at him and said, 'Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you.

[Vandalslut]

The late great Irish comedian Dave Allen, who made us laugh with his observations of the human race's self importance,  noted that Australians often spoke most insultingly when genuinely friendly. As in... “Yer ***ed as a fart, yer bastard!” He wanted to know: “What does a ***ed fart look like? How can a fart get ***ed? What is a ***ed fart? Does it just wobble out of your bum and fall over?”

[cautiousswitch]

5 hours ago, Vandalslut said:

The late great Irish comedian Dave Allen, who made us laugh with his observations of the human race's self importance,  noted that Australians often spoke most insultingly when genuinely friendly. As in... “Yer ***ed as a fart, yer bastard!” He wanted to know: “What does a ***ed fart look like? How can a fart get ***ed? What is a ***ed fart? Does it just wobble out of your bum and fall over?”

I've heard ***ed used as angry as well as drunk, perhaps a ***ed fart is just a loud angry sounding one.

[Vandalslut]

9 hours ago, cautiousswitch said:

I've heard ***ed used as angry as well as drunk, perhaps a ***ed fart is just a loud angry sounding one.

Yeah, I realised late last night that '***ed' in the US means angry and here it means drunk, so - it could be a loud angry drunk fart looking for a fight?

[cautiousswitch]

1 minute ago, Vandalslut said:

Yeah, I realised late last night that '***ed' in the US means angry and here it means drunk, so - it could be a loud angry drunk fart looking for a fight?

I think we got angry from the angry drunk and didn't realize that you were just using it for drunk in general.

When farts fight the bystanders get the worst of it.

[Vandalslut]

3 minutes ago, cautiousswitch said:

When farts fight the bystanders get the worst of it.

That's hysterical!!!!

[Wo****]

Especially if you light them.