Brand new and confused!

[Greeneyes70]

Hi, I’m brand new to this and need some help, probably a lot! I’ve been reading posts about ‘fakes’ which has scared me a bit. So I’ve direct messaged a couple of people who seem genuine and have posted some honest advice, just to chat really. I’m not sure if this is the right thing to do? Is it bad etiquette here? Anyway after a terrible experience in my 20’s with an abusive dominant and then an extremely vanilla relationship I now realise that I’m a submissive at heart. I just don’t know where to start

[Deleted Member]

Hello and welcome to fetish.com! I would say my biggest piece of advice is go with your gut - if something doesn't feel right, then it probably isn't! If you have any concerns around the validity of a member, don't hesitate to report them (there's a button on every profile where you can do that) to our support team. 

A good way to get to know people in the community is to do exactly what you have done, start a topic here in the forum   Messaging people who's profiles catch your attention is also good! 

 

[Deleted Member]

I feel this! The search for benevolence is tough ! Being a Dom must be difficult, they have to read us so well and have So much control. Not everybody can maintain benevolence under these conditions. I have recently joined the community too I started by joining other subs and there masters to play. This stops me from handing the ropes to wrong person in a frenzy.

[Deleted Member]

Morning, welcome, this is a fab place to get some great advice. I’m also learning the ropes re: etiquette, I would just say be honest- of you see someone is in a relationship, state your intention ie advice required or open it up on the forum where lots of people can input into the discussion. 

I have read some fantastic advice from Doms and subs, there is a wealth of knowledge on here. 

I will look forward to hearing from you x 

[Robustlove]

Good morming Greeneyes70 and LittleKitty. Despite there being a good few fakes (or probably more accurately "wannabe Dom's ") on the site, with little to no experience or understanding of the Dom role; they are fairly easy to spot and deal with once you have a little experience or some good nurturing and guiding influences from friends to help reassure you and bounce ideas of ask questions of. The forum here is a great place to ask for help so you should give yourself a pat on the back right away fro reaching out for some help and guidance. You will find there are many good and genuine Dominant men on the site who are only to happy to chat, make new friends and help guide, nurture or look after and care for people (both Dom and Sub alike) who are new to all this as. Finding a good mentor or two or juts some online friends who will take you under their wing and help you to explore and keep yourself safe is part and parcel of the BDSM and kink world and many a Dominant Master fulfill this role for people like you Greeneyes70 and you too LittleKitty, although you sound as though you have already made a good few friends who are helping you in your journey. 

I am sorry to hear that you had a nasty and damaging experience with a nasty Dominant man in your earlier years, but maybe one thing to keep in mind when looking for a new potential Dom is that for you and any newbie, the best type of Dominant man to look for is one who will not only nurture you and make you feel good about yourself as a person and as a submissive, but someone who encourages you to talk to and make new friends and get as many different perspectives and ideas from other members of the community as possible. If you come across and Dom's who are insular and try to cut you off from meeting or speaking to new people, make you feel bad about yourself or are too pushy, demanding or quick to anger before they have properly seduced you and earned the gift of your trust and submission then I would avoid them like the plague; this type of behavior from other Dom's to me speaks of simply having damaging control issues and self confidence issues as well as low impulse control as opposed to being in control of their own psyche and emotional state; these are some of the red flags in spotting those wannabe or fake Dom's. 

I have no doubt that by the end of the day today you will have heard from many other Dom's in your thread who can offer great advice and guidance from different perspectives than my own and hopefully by the end of the day you will feel that much safer, secure, confident and ready to deal with anyone who comes your way, fake or genuine.  

  23 minutes ago, LittleKitty said:

I feel this! The search for benevolence is tough ! Being a Dom must be difficult, they have to read us so well and have So much control. Not everybody can maintain benevolence under these conditions.

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This goes to one of the more interesting juxtapositions of being a Dominant Master in that while us Dominants are (with consent) controlling, degrading, strict, harsh and sadistic, we are also often nurturers who love nothing more than training a new submissive to not only serve our will, but become a submissive who we can worship and be proud of owning and collaring. We are lovers who feel deeply and intensely protective and loving towards our submissive and because we are loving and protective, for me that benevolence you speak of is not difficult to maintain, it simply comes very naturally from a place of love and adoration for my submissive. But your right LittleKitty, being a Dominant isn't easy and although being Dominant comes naturally to many such as myself, what many people fail to understand about being a dominant is that like a submissive you are actually playing and living and very giving role. You give so much energy, time, care and consideration to your submissive and also the scenarios you plan, the play and punishment you mete out, the training you give, the toys you search for, buy, use, explore and maintain that you will often find as a Dominant that it is easy to reach burn out by giving so much of yourself. Believe me when I say Dom-Burnout is every bit as real and as common as Sub-Drop, the big difference being many of us Dominants do not have the resources, advice levels or guidance from as many sources as submissives have in dealing with this phenomena. This is where for us Dom's reaching out and not being afraid to admit that even we sometimes need good friends to help us get by is a vital part of staying the course and becoming a better Dom who is aware of his own limits and boundaries.   

 

I hope that all helps a little and feel free to pop on by and say hello, ask questions or for advice and make a new friend.

[Deleted Member]

 

  4 hours ago, Robustlove said:

Good morming Greeneyes70 and LittleKitty. Despite there being a good few fakes (or probably more accurately "wannabe Dom's ") on the site, with little to no experience or understanding of the Dom role; they are fairly easy to spot and deal with once you have a little experience or some good nurturing and guiding influences from friends to help reassure you and bounce ideas of ask questions of. The forum here is a great place to ask for help so you should give yourself a pat on the back right away fro reaching out for some help and guidance. You will find there are many good and genuine Dominant men on the site who are only to happy to chat, make new friends and help guide, nurture or look after and care for people (both Dom and Sub alike) who are new to all this as. Finding a good mentor or two or juts some online friends who will take you under their wing and help you to explore and keep yourself safe is part and parcel of the BDSM and kink world and many a Dominant Master fulfill this role for people like you Greeneyes70 and you too LittleKitty, although you sound as though you have already made a good few friends who are helping you in your journey. 

I am sorry to hear that you had a nasty and damaging experience with a nasty Dominant man in your earlier years, but maybe one thing to keep in mind when looking for a new potential Dom is that for you and any newbie, the best type of Dominant man to look for is one who will not only nurture you and make you feel good about yourself as a person and as a submissive, but someone who encourages you to talk to and make new friends and get as many different perspectives and ideas from other members of the community as possible. If you come across and Dom's who are insular and try to cut you off from meeting or speaking to new people, make you feel bad about yourself or are too pushy, demanding or quick to anger before they have properly seduced you and earned the gift of your trust and submission then I would avoid them like the plague; this type of behavior from other Dom's to me speaks of simply having damaging control issues and self confidence issues as well as low impulse control as opposed to being in control of their own psyche and emotional state; these are some of the red flags in spotting those wannabe or fake Dom's. 

I have no doubt that by the end of the day today you will have heard from many other Dom's in your thread who can offer great advice and guidance from different perspectives than my own and hopefully by the end of the day you will feel that much safer, secure, confident and ready to deal with anyone who comes your way, fake or genuine.  

This goes to one of the more interesting juxtapositions of being a Dominant Master in that while us Dominants are (with consent) controlling, degrading, strict, harsh and sadistic, we are also often nurturers who love nothing more than training a new submissive to not only serve our will, but become a submissive who we can worship and be proud of owning and collaring. We are lovers who feel deeply and intensely protective and loving towards our submissive and because we are loving and protective, for me that benevolence you speak of is not difficult to maintain, it simply comes very naturally from a place of love and adoration for my submissive. But your right LittleKitty, being a Dominant isn't easy and although being Dominant comes naturally to many such as myself, what many people fail to understand about being a dominant is that like a submissive you are actually playing and living and very giving role. You give so much energy, time, care and consideration to your submissive and also the scenarios you plan, the play and punishment you mete out, the training you give, the toys you search for, buy, use, explore and maintain that you will often find as a Dominant that it is easy to reach burn out by giving so much of yourself. Believe me when I say Dom-Burnout is every bit as real and as common as Sub-Drop, the big difference being many of us Dominants do not have the resources, advice levels or guidance from as many sources as submissives have in dealing with this phenomena. This is where for us Dom's reaching out and not being afraid to admit that even we sometimes need good friends to help us get by is a vital part of staying the course and becoming a better Dom who is aware of his own limits and boundaries.   

 

I hope that all helps a little and feel free to pop on by and say hello, ask questions or for advice and make a new friend.

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Well my friend I'm pleased that the subject of Dom drop has been brought up and from the perspective of a Dominant who has experienced this rather badly  I'm sure this would make a great subject for discussion . In a great deal of ways this is misunderstood as is the side view that Dominants don't have limits .. I have spoke to you on both subjects privately for a different perspective and it helped me put aside issues and move on ..C

[restraints4U]

brand new is scary BUT stand alone facing a long mirror and undress so you can see your naked self and then think what YOU WANT to DO TO YOU that way you can seek out someone you trust to make you LIVE OUT THE IDEA. You aren't being ***d just satisfying your own self.

[Greeneyes70]

Thanks for your responses, I work away a lot so not always able to get on the site. I’ve got several messages from people wanting to train me. My instinct is that this is too much in my face to be the right thing. I hope to make friends on here, especially from subs who I think can really help me 

[Deleted Member]

  17 minutes ago, Greeneyes70 said:

Thanks for your responses, I work away a lot so not always able to get on the site. I’ve got several messages from people wanting to train me. My instinct is that this is too much in my face to be the right thing. I hope to make friends on here, especially from subs who I think can really help me 

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Don't feel you have to do anything you don't want to. Keep posting in the forum and chatting here and you'll find genuinely lovely people who will help you out I'm sure. 

[Greeneyes70]

  13 minutes ago, VictoriaBlisse said:

Don't feel you have to do anything you don't want to. Keep posting in the forum and chatting here and you'll find genuinely lovely people who will help you out I'm sure. 

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Thank you, i would usually say you have no idea how much that means to hear that but I’m guessing you do