How to Deal with Insecurity About My Partner/Dom’s Exes?

[Lyla356]

Hi everyone, I’ve been struggling a lot with insecurities in my relationship, and I wanted to know if anyone has gone through something similar and how they’ve handled it.

 

I tend to overthink everything, and I’m also very sensitive, which makes it hard for me to fully trust what my partner tells me. He reassures me that I’m enough for him, both physically and sexually, but sometimes I feel like he’s just saying that to make me feel better. Deep down, I *** that I’ll never be as attractive or as exciting as his exes.

 

At some point, I asked him about his past relationships, and he mentioned that his exes were very beautiful. He wasn’t trying to hurt me, but it stuck with me. We also talked about plastic surgery, and I said that if I ever got one, I’d use an edited photo of myself as a reference. He agreed that it was a good idea, which made me feel like he also sees a big difference between how I look in pictures and in real life.

 

On top of that, he has a crush on an Instagram model, and when I saw her, I spent days comparing myself to her, feeling like I’m the complete opposite. I avoided asking for pictures of his exes because I knew it would only make me feel worse. I also struggle with taking pictures of myself, and he has pointed out that I look bad in photos because I don’t know how to pose. Even though he probably didn’t mean it in a harsh way, it hurt a lot because I already feel unattractive.

 

This insecurity has also affected our intimacy. Since we’re in a long-distance relationship, we rely on video calls, but I can’t focus because I feel like I look terrible on camera. I get so caught up in how I look that I can’t enjoy the moment.

 

I know I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but I can’t help it. It’s getting to a point where it’s affecting my relationship and my self-esteem in a really bad way. Has anyone else felt like this? How do you deal with these feelings?

[CopperKnob]

Christ.
.

I'm going to venture that everyone has felt insecure about their partners ex's. I have, but not to this degree. Not to the point that it's become h*rmful.
.
Looking at your profile, you're young. I'll also suggest that you might be new to D/s . You don't say how long you've been in this relationship?
.
I'll also add this, there will be some men responding to you with inappropriate comments/DMs. They're doing so because they see you as *** right now. They may make you feel a little better in the moment, but they're predatory. Don't get sucked in for a little bit of attention on the internet.
.

You do not need to be in a D/s relationship right now. If it's new to you you're emotions will be all over the place whilst you're trying to navigate all of that it encompasses.
.
Whether you need to be in any relationship, particularly with an individual who has responded to you in the way you suggest that they have, is debatable.
.
I'll also suggest that you should not be in a long-distance relationship because it sounds like you need more reassurance than what someone can provide on video calls.
.

For me, you need to focus on yourself, be kind, and develop some self-confidence. How you do that depends on you and what you think will work. Surround yourself with people in real life who you know care about you as a person rather than an object.
.
Personally, I'd end this relationship. I would not allow someone else to comment on how I look in photos negatively. I would not allow someone to comment favourably about me having cosmetic surgery. Whilst "he wasn't trying to hurt" you, clearly he has, and that's not acceptable behaviour. Particularly when he's very much aware of your insecurities.
.
Do not change yourself for the benefit or "love"/afffection/attention of someone else. Go and find someone better.

[CopperKnob]

  Just now, CopperKnob said:

Christ.
.

I'm going to venture that everyone has felt insecure about their partners ex's. I have, but not to this degree. Not to the point that it's become h*rmful.
.
Looking at your profile, you're young. I'll also suggest that you might be new to D/s . You don't say how long you've been in this relationship?
.
I'll also add this, there will be some men responding to you with inappropriate comments/DMs. They're doing so because they see you as *** right now. They may make you feel a little better in the moment, but they're predatory. Don't get sucked in for a little bit of attention on the internet.
.

You do not need to be in a D/s relationship right now. If it's new to you you're emotions will be all over the place whilst you're trying to navigate all of that it encompasses.
.
Whether you need to be in any relationship, particularly with an individual who has responded to you in the way you suggest that they have, is debatable.
.
I'll also suggest that you should not be in a long-distance relationship because it sounds like you need more reassurance than what someone can provide on video calls.
.

For me, you need to focus on yourself, be kind, and develop some self-confidence. How you do that depends on you and what you think will work. Surround yourself with people in real life who you know care about you as a person rather than an object.
.
Personally, I'd end this relationship. I would not allow someone else to comment on how I look in photos negatively. I would not allow someone to comment favourably about me having cosmetic surgery. Whilst "he wasn't trying to hurt" you, clearly he has, and that's not acceptable behaviour. Particularly when he's very much aware of your insecurities.
.
Do not change yourself for the benefit or "love"/afffection/attention of someone else. Go and find someone better.

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The censored word is vuln-er-able

[4R****]

  20 hours ago, CopperKnob said:

Christ.
.

I'm going to venture that everyone has felt insecure about their partners ex's. I have, but not to this degree. Not to the point that it's become h*rmful.
.
Looking at your profile, you're young. I'll also suggest that you might be new to D/s . You don't say how long you've been in this relationship?
.
I'll also add this, there will be some men responding to you with inappropriate comments/DMs. They're doing so because they see you as *** right now. They may make you feel a little better in the moment, but they're predatory. Don't get sucked in for a little bit of attention on the internet.
.

You do not need to be in a D/s relationship right now. If it's new to you you're emotions will be all over the place whilst you're trying to navigate all of that it encompasses.
.
Whether you need to be in any relationship, particularly with an individual who has responded to you in the way you suggest that they have, is debatable.
.
I'll also suggest that you should not be in a long-distance relationship because it sounds like you need more reassurance than what someone can provide on video calls.
.

For me, you need to focus on yourself, be kind, and develop some self-confidence. How you do that depends on you and what you think will work. Surround yourself with people in real life who you know care about you as a person rather than an object.
.
Personally, I'd end this relationship. I would not allow someone else to comment on how I look in photos negatively. I would not allow someone to comment favourably about me having cosmetic surgery. Whilst "he wasn't trying to hurt" you, clearly he has, and that's not acceptable behaviour. Particularly when he's very much aware of your insecurities.
.
Do not change yourself for the benefit or "love"/afffection/attention of someone else. Go and find someone better.

Expand  

I’m going to echo this advice, every word of it, but especially the last 5…….

You deserve better!

[ra****]

So the insecurity you feel is really just a experience ordeal. If you understand more about men and their sexuality then you would know that for sex many don’t have standards 😝 as for relationships they usually have somewhat of a higher standard but then have multiple relationships. As for your looks every women just as men are beautiful in their own way and simply need confidence to not have it disrespected and trampled upon. To their exes I personally would have looked anyways but I have seen my prior relationships exes and never been to jealous looks wise but success wise yes. This has got me to start thinking and working towards better success. Though I have shown them my exes, and wished I had not. I could tell it truly did hurt them each time. They compared themselves to them they asked about them and how they did in bed and so much from it. They immediately looked down and hurt. I really am just never going to do that. So that being said I feel as if a feminine takes these things no matter what negatively and it’s really not good to see their exes or compare yourself to anything and that is actually going to hurt you in the long run. Rather than look at all of that or focus on surgeries or anything like that I suggest following the above advice and getting some hands on experience and build your confidence up as well focus on outfits and makeup preforming and presentations as that would be a huge boost and is what I would say %85 of the competitive aspect

[Lyla356]

  7 hours ago, rave3fun said:

Así que la inseguridad que sientes es en realidad una experiencia terrible. Si entiendes más sobre los hombres y su sexualidad, entonces sabrías que para el sexo muchos no tienen estándares 😝 en cuanto a las relaciones, suelen tener un estándar algo más alto, pero luego tienen múltiples relaciones. En cuanto a tu apariencia, cada mujer, al igual que los hombres, es hermosa a su manera y simplemente necesita confianza para que no la falten al respeto ni la piso***. A sus exes, personalmente, los habría mirado de todos modos, pero he visto a mis exes de relaciones anteriores y nunca he estado celosa en cuanto a la apariencia, pero en cuanto al éxito sí. Esto me ha hecho empezar a pensar y trabajar para lograr un mayor éxito. Aunque les he mostrado a mis exes, desearía no haberlo hecho. Podía ver que realmente les dolía cada vez. Se comparaban con ellos, preguntaban por ellos y cómo les iba en la cama y mucho más. Inmediatamente los miraban con desprecio y se sentían dolidos. De verdad que nunca voy a hacer eso. Dicho esto, creo que una mujer se toma estas cosas como algo negativo, sin importar lo que pase, y no es bueno ver a sus exparejas ni compararse con nada, ya que eso te perjudicará a largo plazo. En lugar de pensar en todo eso o centrarte en cirugías o cosas por el estilo, te sugiero seguir los consejos anteriores, adquirir experiencia práctica y aumentar tu confianza. Además, céntrate en la ropa, el maquillaje, las presentaciones y la forma de actuar, ya que eso te dará un gran impulso y representa, en mi opinión, el 85% del aspecto competitivo .

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Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it. I don’t even dare to ask because I have serious self-esteem issues, and I really don’t like my physical appearance at all. And that’s despite the fact that I take care of myself, do my makeup, and try to improve, but it doesn’t change how I feel. So if I ever saw something about an ex, it would completely destroy me

[ra****]

  1 hour ago, Lyla356 said:

Thank you so much for your response. I really appreciate it. I don’t even dare to ask because I have serious self-esteem issues, and I really don’t like my physical appearance at all. And that’s despite the fact that I take care of myself, do my makeup, and try to improve, but it doesn’t change how I feel. So if I ever saw something about an ex, it would completely destroy me

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Well that’s why you should get some experience and maybe even some homosexual male friends as they really understand men a lot and they can help you with a lot of understanding as well! Honestly you should feel beautiful and have self love before you truly get into relationships because if not you run a huge risk for some very negative abusive outcomes and you are perfect for someone and if they aren’t that someone then I suggest to push forward for your perfect someone it truly will make the best difference when you find a dom that is perfect for you and builds you up and even when they break you down the break down is only to build even more