Neurodivergent Doms vs neurotypical subs

[Ma****]

This is a question that aims at both listed types, but if you’ve got any experience you’re more than welcome to share.

As a neurodivergent individual who has strong dominant tendencies, I find it hard to communicate with neurotypical subs. A lot of my personality/psycological traits (manic episodes, being overstimulated, attachment issues [overbonding]) are typically hard to deal with.
Does anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

I’m not looking for a perfect solution, just some ideas. And please don’t say “communication is key”… duh? I know that. It’s more about what you did in your relationships to deal with e.g. being hypersexual during manic episodes or having a hard time being alone and the need of constant presence.

Thank you all in advance.

[ki****]

have you tried being with a neurodivergent Sub instead

[Ma****]

Honestly NT people tend to find me extremely vexing so I don't generally have to worry about it, they see themselves out. 😂 BUT, when that's not the case, it's not just communication, it's extra communication because I will attempt to educate them about my ND and how that affects the way I interact from one day to the next. Sometimes it's super helpful and goes a long way and sometimes it's pointless.

Sorry there isn't a quick and easy answer to my knowledge, but if anyone has tips I'm gonna lurk and see what the suggestions are.

[Ma****]

  18 minutes ago, kinkysub4dom said:

have you tried being with a neurodivergent Sub instead

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Harder to come by than I like to admit, tbh.

[ma****]

Pace yourself and it might be ***ful to pace yourself especially depending on what kind of neurodiversity you have. Instant gratification is a challenge. Nothing worth having isn’t instant. It’s ultimately about pacing yourself, communicating (even if it’s way too much, a lot of communication is better than none.) and understanding when it’s time to move on. I know it’s hard to detach from something unhealthy but just remember you deserve the best and so do others. If they don’t take the time to understand your communication style they are probs not worth your time.

[ba****]

I'm neurodivergent myself and I'm exactly the same boat as you. Especially when it comes to dating and being around women. I struggle with the basic concepts I did a Google search on " problems faced for neurodivergent people when it comes to dating" all the things that came up I could relate to. I'm yet to find a solution

[Ma****]

Tbf sometimes we don't know. (Late diagnosis for example) So it's hard to say they're necessarily hard to come by so much as *hidden* and it would take a lot of interaction to see it.

Tbh seeking a diagnosis as an adult came about for me in part because an ex partner watched a video and came in and was like, THIS IS YOU! 😂😂

[No****]

Hello. Neurodivergent sub, here.
It’s a struggle for me as well. Over bonding to someone is hard for me, too, for several reasons. Not only do people with ADHD typically suffer from RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder), but we also tend to place too much importance on people or relationships of any dynamic because it causes us to hyper focus not just on tasks but people as well and reigning it in can be hard because we also feel things deeper than most.
Being overstimulated is a whole other obstacle it’s often the little things that do it and an accumulation of them before we can’t contain the discomfort over something tiny.
What I noticed helped me (as always, a constant work in progress) was making sure I’m self aware. By that I mean regularly checking in with myself and not just analyzing what I felt but why.
For example: I’m feeling anxious and feel the need to reach out to my counter part. First, what caused me to feel anxious? Was it something they did or is it just me seeking connection? If it’s something they did, why did that trigger my need for them? Am I reaching out with purpose or to just sooth my anxiety? If it’s just me, what can I do to sooth myself so I’m not projecting on my counter part.
I definitely understand the periods of hyper-sexual episodes and I know during those times, I need to find other areas to focus my energy. Usually it’s learning about myself and my attachment styles. Sometimes it’s exercise or puzzles and even yard work. Physical activities seem to help the most during those times.
The hardest part was getting to the conclusion that it was not my counterpart’s responsibility to sooth or manage these parts of me. It’s fantastic if they’re aware and want to be helpful by holding you accountable for your emotions and impulses but that’s not always the case and we can’t ask people to do that for us if they’re not willing.
So self focus and accountability is my best advice when you feel yourself pulled in those directions but that’s just what works best for me and my opinion. I’m not even positive I answered your question.

[Ma****]

  35 minutes ago, MamaVixen1981 said:

Honestly NT people tend to find me extremely vexing so I don't generally have to worry about it, they see themselves out. 😂 BUT, when that's not the case, it's not just communication, it's extra communication because I will attempt to educate them about my ND and how that affects the way I interact from one day to the next. Sometimes it's super helpful and goes a long way and sometimes it's pointless.

Sorry there isn't a quick and easy answer to my knowledge, but if anyone has tips I'm gonna lurk and see what the suggestions are.

Expand  

That is my exact experience. Honestly, it’s kind of exhausting to explain myself constantly within a relationship. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “you can’t blame everything on your head.”… yes, yes I can, if I could change it, I would… that’s the whole point. 😅

[cu****]

It’s going to sound extremely stupid and not exactly what you’re looking for but it really is communication but also *how* you communicate. I’m ND along with my romo partner, and while we don’t do full scenes cause it’s not what she is into, even when we do dip our toes into it how we communicate changes. In example it becomes far more direct with less of those flirty undertones that may be hard to distinguish someones true like tone with.

I tend to shut down when overwhelmed whereas she gets really sexual when manic and she is also the dom typically, the best thing that’s not 100% fool proof and there’s probably a better method, but! She leaves me alone till she can calm hers down and ground then returns so she can properly communicate what she needs and by that point I have also calmed down and we can try again.

A lot of it really is explaining your needs directly and explaining how it affects your day to day life when you don’t have a ND sub who may know what signs to look for. It’s not the easy solution but it really is the best way. It’s also good to know your own limits of when you should walk away for a moment to ground yourself and let your brain kinda reboot so that you don’t risk shutting down.

[Ma****]

  18 minutes ago, masterclear said:

Pace yourself and it might be ***ful to pace yourself especially depending on what kind of neurodiversity you have. Instant gratification is a challenge. Nothing worth having isn’t instant. It’s ultimately about pacing yourself, communicating (even if it’s way too much, a lot of communication is better than none.) and understanding when it’s time to move on. I know it’s hard to detach from something unhealthy but just remember you deserve the best and so do others. If they don’t take the time to understand your communication style they are probs not worth your time.

Expand  

That is a very rational resolve to a very emotionally challenging situation… I like it. Sounds like something I could’ve came up with myself… but I didn’t so thank you for pointing out 🫶

[LG****]

ASD and ADHD sub here. I sort of made up a system that helps me, with the help of my psychologist. I used Google sheets for it: i made a list of my most common symptoms, what could trigger them, and what i would need from the dom (or partner in this case, i think anyone can tweak it). In the same sheet, i made a sort of key page with explanations for some of the behaviours and side effects, with linked research. It's not perfect, as it relies on the other person to read and pay attention too, but I've found It's more helpful than just saying you need some accomodations.

[Ma****]

  19 minutes ago, Novelnorth86 said:

Hello. Neurodivergent sub, here.
It’s a struggle for me as well. Over bonding to someone is hard for me, too, for several reasons. Not only do people with ADHD typically suffer from RSD (rejection sensitivity disorder), but we also tend to place too much importance on people or relationships of any dynamic because it causes us to hyper focus not just on tasks but people as well and reigning it in can be hard because we also feel things deeper than most.
Being overstimulated is a whole other obstacle it’s often the little things that do it and an accumulation of them before we can’t contain the discomfort over something tiny.
What I noticed helped me (as always, a constant work in progress) was making sure I’m self aware. By that I mean regularly checking in with myself and not just analyzing what I felt but why.
For example: I’m feeling anxious and feel the need to reach out to my counter part. First, what caused me to feel anxious? Was it something they did or is it just me seeking connection? If it’s something they did, why did that trigger my need for them? Am I reaching out with purpose or to just sooth my anxiety? If it’s just me, what can I do to sooth myself so I’m not projecting on my counter part.
I definitely understand the periods of hyper-sexual episodes and I know during those times, I need to find other areas to focus my energy. Usually it’s learning about myself and my attachment styles. Sometimes it’s exercise or puzzles and even yard work. Physical activities seem to help the most during those times.
The hardest part was getting to the conclusion that it was not my counterpart’s responsibility to sooth or manage these parts of me. It’s fantastic if they’re aware and want to be helpful by holding you accountable for your emotions and impulses but that’s not always the case and we can’t ask people to do that for us if they’re not willing.
So self focus and accountability is my best advice when you feel yourself pulled in those directions but that’s just what works best for me and my opinion. I’m not even positive I answered your question.

Expand  

You haven’t answered the question, you solved the problem. Not in general and for another standpoint, but nevertheless thank you! A lot of your ideas are really helpful, my only problem is that most of my relationships are classical D/S dynamics and as the dominant part, finding a partner who’s capable of being submissive AND capable of holding their respective Dom accountable for their emotions and actions is… difficult to say the least.

[Ma****]

  10 minutes ago, MattyBlue said:

That is my exact experience. Honestly, it’s kind of exhausting to explain myself constantly within a relationship. I can’t count how many times I’ve heard “you can’t blame everything on your head.”… yes, yes I can, if I could change it, I would… that’s the whole point. 😅

Expand  

Right. "It's all in your head, just don't do the thing!" Friend, I know it's in my head, that's kinda the problem? 🤔🤔😅😅

[Ma****]

  5 minutes ago, LG_eivor said:

ASD and ADHD sub here. I sort of made up a system that helps me, with the help of my psychologist. I used Google sheets for it: i made a list of my most common symptoms, what could trigger them, and what i would need from the dom (or partner in this case, i think anyone can tweak it). In the same sheet, i made a sort of key page with explanations for some of the behaviours and side effects, with linked research. It's not perfect, as it relies on the other person to read and pay attention too, but I've found It's more helpful than just saying you need some accomodations.

Expand  

Good idea, will consider doing that!

[Ma****]

  7 minutes ago, LG_eivor said:

ASD and ADHD sub here. I sort of made up a system that helps me, with the help of my psychologist. I used Google sheets for it: i made a list of my most common symptoms, what could trigger them, and what i would need from the dom (or partner in this case, i think anyone can tweak it). In the same sheet, i made a sort of key page with explanations for some of the behaviours and side effects, with linked research. It's not perfect, as it relies on the other person to read and pay attention too, but I've found It's more helpful than just saying you need some accomodations.

Expand  

Damn I love this actually.

[Ma****]

  11 minutes ago, cupidscvnt said:

It’s going to sound extremely stupid and not exactly what you’re looking for but it really is communication but also *how* you communicate. I’m ND along with my romo partner, and while we don’t do full scenes cause it’s not what she is into, even when we do dip our toes into it how we communicate changes. In example it becomes far more direct with less of those flirty undertones that may be hard to distinguish someones true like tone with.

I tend to shut down when overwhelmed whereas she gets really sexual when manic and she is also the dom typically, the best thing that’s not 100% fool proof and there’s probably a better method, but! She leaves me alone till she can calm hers down and ground then returns so she can properly communicate what she needs and by that point I have also calmed down and we can try again.

A lot of it really is explaining your needs directly and explaining how it affects your day to day life when you don’t have a ND sub who may know what signs to look for. It’s not the easy solution but it really is the best way. It’s also good to know your own limits of when you should walk away for a moment to ground yourself and let your brain kinda reboot so that you don’t risk shutting down.

Expand  

Yeah… that’s my weakness. I can’t stand distance. I’m super scared of people shutting down, because I always assume it’s because something I’ve done wrong… healthy, I know. But that’s something I can (and will) learn. So thank you for your feedback 🫶

[Am****]

  26 minutes ago, LG_eivor said:

ASD and ADHD sub here. I sort of made up a system that helps me, with the help of my psychologist. I used Google sheets for it: i made a list of my most common symptoms, what could trigger them, and what i would need from the dom (or partner in this case, i think anyone can tweak it). In the same sheet, i made a sort of key page with explanations for some of the behaviours and side effects, with linked research. It's not perfect, as it relies on the other person to read and pay attention too, but I've found It's more helpful than just saying you need some accomodations.

Expand  

Love your brain for this! AuDHD - I've started tracking as well, alexithymia makes it difficult to communicate efficiently.
Being able to identify the problem has made it easier to find a solution.

[No****]

  23 minutes ago, MattyBlue said:

You haven’t answered the question, you solved the problem. Not in general and for another standpoint, but nevertheless thank you! A lot of your ideas are really helpful, my only problem is that most of my relationships are classical D/S dynamics and as the dominant part, finding a partner who’s capable of being submissive AND capable of holding their respective Dom accountable for their emotions and actions is… difficult to say the least.

Expand  

Thank you and you’re welcome.
Honestly though, if you’re in a D/S dynamic with someone and you’ve done the communication part, then can’t one of their tasks, part of their service be to let you know when something is off and just ask you to check yourself?
Coming from a sub’s point of view, I don’t find that out of the realm of my part of the dynamic.
I think it’s only disrespectful if you set the tone for it to be and clearly, you’re not looking for it to be so that wouldn’t happen. Part of servitude and submission is being a match, a counterpart. So it’s also my job to keep my dominant person healthy, mindful, and connected as well. No dynamic is a one way street and whatever betters the dynamic is both party’s responsibility in my opinion.
I think if approached from a place of gratitude and protection for the sub and yourself and the dynamic you have, any sub would be more than happy to have a question or two set in place for you when you need those reminders, not too much different than a safe word.
I could be way off the rails there but I feel like it’s very workable.

[Ma****]

  47 minutes ago, Novelnorth86 said:

Thank you and you’re welcome.
Honestly though, if you’re in a D/S dynamic with someone and you’ve done the communication part, then can’t one of their tasks, part of their service be to let you know when something is off and just ask you to check yourself?
Coming from a sub’s point of view, I don’t find that out of the realm of my part of the dynamic.
I think it’s only disrespectful if you set the tone for it to be and clearly, you’re not looking for it to be so that wouldn’t happen. Part of servitude and submission is being a match, a counterpart. So it’s also my job to keep my dominant person healthy, mindful, and connected as well. No dynamic is a one way street and whatever betters the dynamic is both party’s responsibility in my opinion.
I think if approached from a place of gratitude and protection for the sub and yourself and the dynamic you have, any sub would be more than happy to have a question or two set in place for you when you need those reminders, not too much different than a safe word.
I could be way off the rails there but I feel like it’s very workable.

Expand  

That’s an interesting point. Never saw it that way. Will consider…

[Ma****]

  48 minutes ago, Novelnorth86 said:

Thank you and you’re welcome.
Honestly though, if you’re in a D/S dynamic with someone and you’ve done the communication part, then can’t one of their tasks, part of their service be to let you know when something is off and just ask you to check yourself?
Coming from a sub’s point of view, I don’t find that out of the realm of my part of the dynamic.
I think it’s only disrespectful if you set the tone for it to be and clearly, you’re not looking for it to be so that wouldn’t happen. Part of servitude and submission is being a match, a counterpart. So it’s also my job to keep my dominant person healthy, mindful, and connected as well. No dynamic is a one way street and whatever betters the dynamic is both party’s responsibility in my opinion.
I think if approached from a place of gratitude and protection for the sub and yourself and the dynamic you have, any sub would be more than happy to have a question or two set in place for you when you need those reminders, not too much different than a safe word.
I could be way off the rails there but I feel like it’s very workable.

Expand  

Also this. I would 100% touch base and be like, Hey is there something deeper happening here, how can I support you, etc.

[Ma****]

  36 minutes ago, MamaVixen1981 said:

Also this. I would 100% touch base and be like, Hey is there something deeper happening here, how can I support you, etc.

Expand  

Ahhh that sounds like a dream 🥹

[Na****]

Also look for neurodivergent subs we're out there and are used to the same things you do. I would love a divergent Mistress/Master, the d/s is challenging to see if you can be controlled. The dynamic might be more compatible.

[No****]

  2 hours ago, MamaVixen1981 said:

Also this. I would 100% touch base and be like, Hey is there something deeper happening here, how can I support you, etc.

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Fantastic. I think it’s totally reasonable to be supportive.

[ky****]

There are neurotypical subs?