Authenticity

[Mu****]

How does one navigate the water of authenticity on social media or dating apps?
We want to show our best selves, of course, but how do we show our *real* selves and have the algorithms care? Furthermore, how do we evolve the global conversation to have more of *us* care about authenticity? Flashy is fine, until it’s time to stop f*cking. I want to be and see real.
Curious to your thoughts.

[De****]

Can you explain what you mean by fake? I think even outside of social media people always put their best foot forward. It takes time to know a person for who they are. I think it has been that way for time out of mind.

[Be****]

Be real, then create undeniable proof of who you sre

[Do****]

I'm the same online as in the real world. I cannot control the algorithm or anyone's preconceived misgivings towards others so I don't worry about it.

Trust be you.

[Mu****]

  41 minutes ago, DenverBunny said:

Can you explain what you mean by fake? I think even outside of social media people always put their best foot forward. It takes time to know a person for who they are. I think it has been that way for time out of mind.

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I never said the word fake.

[Mu****]

  32 minutes ago, Beachlifecontrast said:

Be real, then create undeniable proof of who you sre

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Actions speak louder than words or photos, I think. How do we use that information and apply it to social media/dating apps?

[ge****]

The *only* way to do so is being consistently and authentically yourself for yourself - if others choose to consider it fake then that's their prerogative and there's not a great deal you can do about it.
.
There are of course ways you can demonstrate that, for example by being an active user of things like forums around sites like this one where people can see that consistency - but it still comes down to their prerogative either way.

[La****]

For me, finding out if someone is being real or fake comes from having conversations. I just remember little details and answers to pointed questions, almost like a prolonged interview. Getting to know someone takes time and effort, if you don't give both you'll soon learn that you are easily fooled and either put in the time and effort or just give up. If the person you're attempting to get to know suffers from past traumas then the time it takes will most likely be even longer and the efforts on your part to break through well be greater. That's my 2 cents on it.

[ey****]

Here's something

No one actually knows the 'real you' 

Like, the person you are at home in front of parents is different to the person you are when out with friends is different to the person you are when you're at work and so on...

People only ever see a different side of you.

Online, there is a big difference in lacking authenticity and seeing which side of you you show.

Obviously, there's a big difference here in - say - outright lying.  

For online sites, dating, etc. one of the big keys is consistency.

[Mu****]

Consistency with posting photos all the time? That’s not my thing. I typically don’t have a ton of time to be on forums either, because the talks can get super deep and I wind up missing stuff. 

[De****]

  2 hours ago, MusicTraveler said:

I never said the word fake.

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I apologize, you said inauthentic and I used a synonym. I would still like to understand what you mean by it?

[kf****]

Gen Z have a harder time being authentic with new people

[No****]

The best advice I have is to watch what people do, ignore what they say. Anybody can say anything but who they are is going to show in their actions and also, the most consistent version of that person is their real character as well. A good way to look at it is this: if this person and I couldn’t speak, couldn’t hear, would I still be attracted to them? Would their actions show me who they are and would I still want them?
On the flip side of that, this is how you show your authenticity. Be who you say you are. Let your actions show your character and worry about maintaining your integrity. People will notice right away and respond accordingly. People who can’t maintain their persona, will filter themselves out.

[Mu****]

  16 minutes ago, kfl552 said:

Gen Z have a harder time being authentic with new people

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That seems to be the case. But I don’t talk to any/many. I’m 38 and I typically talk to older women.

[wi****]

I believe it is more about how much you know yourself. If you are confused about who you are and your desires in general, then the quality of your connections and experiences will reflect that. We evolve with time 🩷

[Bo****]

Call me a nihilist, but even that is asking too much.
People make minimal to no effort into even writing a sufficient bio, let alone being "authentic" about it.
How can someone be authentic about something that they haven't even presented or doesn't exist? Lol

As others have said, though: Acta non Verba - Deeds, not words.
You find out how someone really is by how they act, not what they say about how to act.

Unfortunately, it's a deeply ingrained societal problem with time preferences and the transactional nature of relationships. People are inherently self-centred and want what they want, now, without putting the least amount of effort in or having a reciprocal relationship with another person.
People prey on this, presenting an inauthentic picture of who they truly are to appease the aforementioned self-centered and illogical desires of the other person.
That's how f-boys and gold diggers/date swindlers propagate.
And until people start refusing to participate in that low trust environment and acting truthfully/authentically, not much is going to change.

[kf****]

It's important to have limits, boundaries, rules, and filters to protect yourself and others. Self reflection is important. Respect, Honesty, and Trust. I have had issues with my closest family and friends because of them or me. Prisoners dilemma, Double bind, Horseshoe theory.

[Mu****]

  3 hours ago, wildfox9999 said:

I believe it is more about how much you know yourself. If you are confused about who you are and your desires in general, then the quality of your connections and experiences will reflect that. We evolve with time 🩷

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Definitely agree!

[Mu****]

  2 hours ago, Bondagecafe said:

Call me a nihilist, but even that is asking too much.
People make minimal to no effort into even writing a sufficient bio, let alone being "authentic" about it.
How can someone be authentic about something that they haven't even presented or doesn't exist? Lol

As others have said, though: Acta non Verba - Deeds, not words.
You find out how someone really is by how they act, not what they say about how to act.

Unfortunately, it's a deeply ingrained societal problem with time preferences and the transactional nature of relationships. People are inherently self-centred and want what they want, now, without putting the least amount of effort in or having a reciprocal relationship with another person.
People prey on this, presenting an inauthentic picture of who they truly are to appease the aforementioned self-centered and illogical desires of the other person.
That's how f-boys and gold diggers/date swindlers propagate.
And until people start refusing to participate in that low trust environment and acting truthfully/authentically, not much is going to change.

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This needed to be said. Thank you

[Mu****]

  4 hours ago, kfl552 said:

Gen Z have a harder time being authentic with new people

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And while I think that they are the future of our world, and generally seem to air on the right side of morals, from my experience, they also are the biggest propagators of this inauthentic experience - see: TikTok, etc

[Mu****]

  4 hours ago, Novelnorth86 said:

The best advice I have is to watch what people do, ignore what they say. Anybody can say anything but who they are is going to show in their actions and also, the most consistent version of that person is their real character as well. A good way to look at it is this: if this person and I couldn’t speak, couldn’t hear, would I still be attracted to them? Would their actions show me who they are and would I still want them?
On the flip side of that, this is how you show your authenticity. Be who you say you are. Let your actions show your character and worry about maintaining your integrity. People will notice right away and respond accordingly. People who can’t maintain their persona, will filter themselves out.

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How do you watch what someone does on a dating app? Isn’t the purpose to not be on the app too long, generally? Sure some people come on for fun. But how do you learn someone’s actions through a couple sentence bio and a few public pictures? And with guys messaging hundreds of users at once, how is my 25 visible character message going to honestly stand out?

[Mi****]

I do my best to maintain an open mind and kind heart, but after being burned a couple times, I just do that with eyes in the back of my head and no matter how well someone plays chess I have my hardline boundaries that I simply don't budge on anymore...But it's still tough.

[ey****]

  7 hours ago, MusicTraveler said:

Consistency with posting photos all the time? That’s not my thing. I typically don’t have a ton of time to be on forums either, because the talks can get super deep and I wind up missing stuff. 

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Consistency can mean a lot of things, it doesn't necessarily mean posting photos all the time (most people don't) or being too deep on forums, or in kink communities, etc. 

But like, if you fake an online persona it is hard to maintain.  It's inauthentic. People end up tripping themselves up, like they'll pretend to be super experienced then get a basic wrong, or so on.   

Obviously as well, people grow - so there's been people who've been about who were maybe assholes when they started but learnt and grew - and, maybe to a degree some of the asshole side wasn't really who they were.

[DarkArts1066]

You can’t control the algorithms. That’s the first important point.
And if you’ve been around “dating”, “hook-up” “swinger” and kink or fetish sites long enough, you learn to recognise what the algorithm wants.

Which is not what Humans want, ironically.
Humans want approachability, transparency and honesty. Those are the things which really matter. They instill trust.

If you are lucky enough to connect on a site / social media with someone, the only real true way to ‘prove’ yourself, is eventually in the flesh.
Face to face, in a room.
Together.

And if you are a thousand miles apart……?

Then it becomes hard.

Talking every day, FaceTiming or video chatting helps…..
But you still don’t get that aura of connection that you do when in a room with someone.

-And, any hope of spontaneity is gone.

I am old enough to remember meeting people in pubs, and clubs…. and having to work at “chatting them up”.
Finding a common interest, so that you could continue to engage them in conversation -without them becoming bored.
Feeling that mental AND physical attraction, because you could subconsciously read their body language.

All gone when you are sitting at a screen.

The person on the other side could be Attila the Stockbroker - or Attila the serial ki*ler - for all you know.

Yes - you CAN feel attraction.
A sense of humour, the way they dress, a physical attribute that you like.
But it is only ever two-dimensional.

Due dilligence helps.
Do you know any of their friends or contacts ?
Do they interact with other people in chat rooms ?
Do they have a social media profile you could view outside of Kink ?

I met a partner after She asked to see my Facebook or LinkedIn profile… so that she could see I have a ‘public’ face -if you like.

Without my willingness I do that, it was ‘no dice’.

People who post pics of themselves leaning against super cars - nope. Doesn’t mean they own it.
People who post pics of themselves at the gym -nope. Might mean they care more about themselves and their appearance than they do any prospective partner.

And never. NEVER hide a profile pic behind bunny ears, or a cute wittle dog nose and ears…

It means you have something to hide.

What does a picture actually GIVE you ?
- Especially nowadays… when everything, -even video, can be modified and doctored.

These are all conversations that I have had with people about WHY they don’t use dating -or hook-up, or swinger /kink sites to meet people.
Not necessarily my own points of view here…

I contentd that creating the “undeniable proof” of yourself is only possible face to face.
Anything else is just guesswork -or intuition for the other party.

Sorry to start Monday on a bit of a downer, but there it is people.

[Ni****]

Wear your authenticity like armor. Once you share your honest truth as a test of character for others, suddenly there is peace and power in having a clear mind to measure their response over your own internal ***s or desire for validation. If they don't like you, then great, you know it's not a mistake in your mask to fix but rather a mismatch with your most valuable resources and heartbreak spared in the process. If they like you, then even better, there's no keeping up the facade, and any challenge to prove yourself becomes effortless. You owe it to yourself to be the real you.