Sadism with a gentle soul.

[Deleted Member]

The dictionary explains Sadism as

 

The tendency to derive pleasure especially sexual gratification from inflicting ***,suffering and *** on others.

 

This is something I've struggled with since the day I made the decision to explore this world.I have recently been talking in detail with another Dom who seems to be experiencing simillar feelings as far as sadism goes.I never in my life thought I would feel the way I do and when I first with any vigour whipped with a belt it made me nervous.Was it too hard?Am I seriously going to hurt this person,am I pushing to far??A wise lass on here once used the words "caring sadist"and that really hit home because I didn't realise there was such a thing.

For me it's not the actual act of whipping that I derived pleasure from but the reaction itself,seeing with my own eyes,knowing that this is exactly what this lass craved.It opened a doorway which I eagerly stepped through.

 

Where I'm unsure now is am I an actual real sadist or just a pretender,I'm a soft lad at core yet I crave harder and harder things now but with an overriding need to care and protect,two very conflicting feelings that still confuse me slighlty.Now I'm far from an expert and really understand my limitations and see that understanding as a strength not a weakness.My question for those with more experience than I is am I a sadist??How can I be when my first concern is safety,well being and care,surely a real sadist just wouldn't care as long as he or she received the sexual gratification they need.

[Deleted Member]

I think it is possible to be both, or at least, I know I am. I get turned on by abusing a woman's body, but I am only a mild sadist and could not go very far with it. My caring side, as you say, gets concerned. That is when I focus on the woman's reaction, as this is what reminds me that I am doing well. So long as I remind myself that my Submissive knows her Safeties and will use them if needed, I can let my sadistic side have fun.

[ey****]

"real" is one of the words I generally dislike

Soooo

Everyone should, ultimately, care about their partner and their well being - whether it's a relationship, regular play partner, one-off, whatever.

I've heard folk criticise others with stuff like "(s)he calls themselves a sadist - but actually they're just a cunt" - which is, ahem, probably fair in some cases.

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Especially when you're 'new' to actually doing this - it can be conflicting - that perhaps you've fantasised or thought about one thing or another but actually doing the action either gives you a feeling of "is this too far?" at the time or feelings of guilt afterwards (which can manifest in many ways.  Even if you knew it was what the other person wanted, whether they were right to want that and your right to do it to them)

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Caring doesn't make you not "real" - a sense of care for the other person should be default

So, more so... caring is "real" 

[Wo****]

"A wise lass on here once used the words "caring sadist"and that really hit home because I didn't realise there was such a thing."

That's how Pirate described it to me 😊

 

 

Are you a sadist or a "pretender"...

Depends on your definition of sadism I guess. You enjoyed inflicting ***, consensually, you liked their reactions. Is it down to why you do it? If you're doing it because it's something they enjoy rather than personal pleasure from it?

My ex LDR would whip me because I wanted him to, pirate whips me because he wants to. My LDR wasn't sadistic in any way, Pirate is, wonderfully so.

 

Maybe the problem is in our perception of the meaning of sadism. Generally we don't wanna hurt people so deriving pleasure in inflicting *** is kinda weird. 

Or it's like a scale... lower end of sadism is where it's a fun thing the higher end where it's physcotic....

 

As a masochist, being with someone who is a caring sadist, it's like finding the last piece of a jigsaw.

"Sadist" has overtones of cruelty and negative implications... "caring sadist" less so.

[Deleted Member]

It was you @LazyPiraratesBounty who I stole those words from originally.Its the reaction that I like not so much the action itself and that's what confuses me.As time passes by I learn and evolve those urges become stronger yet so do those caring emotions.Both sides at the same time grow which gives me balance.I once had to protect myself from my ex wife who tried to cave my head in with a lamp she ripped out of the wall with a very real intention to cave my head in(deserved).Up until this point in my life i had never laid a hand on a lass but my instinct In that moment was to hit her and I mean full on fist to the face,thankfully I didn't and just restrained her until I was sure she had calmed a little.After I started shaking,felt sick and got a little upset because I knew how close I was to physical ***.That for me was instinct and I could not help the *** that so nearly surfaced but we make a choice in kink to inflict.It was something I never knew was there,sure I've always even In Vanilla enjoyed rough sex but nothing even close to this world.It just still confuses me slightly the chasm between those two sides and ability to accept and understand it properly,it's the understanding that I still have to work on.

[Ky****]

how do you know when you are a real sadist? of course you know that you are a real sadist when a masochist begs you to whip them and you say no, sorry couldn't resist that old joke.

seriously as @LazyPiratesBountysuggests there is a scale and so long as *** and *** are inflicted for the right reasons and within limits then why worry, as @eyemblacksheepsuggests terms like real can be so straightjacketing that people lose a lot of sleep, and a lot of fun, by putting themselves under stress worrying do I fit into this label or not, enjoy what you are and what you have with your partner/playmate

[Deleted Member]

It's not so much I worry more a need to try and understand better.Im comfortable with the way I am changing and the surprises that brings.As Dante says I do exactly the same and watch,listen as a cue for intensity,Its not in my opinion that difficult to sense when a partner is receiving what she needs and craves or when it's getting too strong.I completely understand the need for safewords bit if I pushed to the point it was used then I would feel I had failed somewhat,my intention is to never hear a safe word.I have had a few beliefs changed and my perception of what I really am especially recently through chat with another Dom who is very simillar.I suppose sometimes we will never truly understand and as you say enjoy.

[Ky****]

@Donnykinksteryep, if we truly understood we'd make fortunes writing books on the subject

[Wo****]

2 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

I completely understand the need for safewords bit if I pushed to the point it was used then I would feel I had failed somewhat,my intention is to never hear a safe word.

Why?

Using the Safe word isn't failing. You're not psychic. Yes, you can read the cues, yes you can know your sub, but you're human as am I. I've used my Safe word with Pirate, only once or twice, none of those times did he "fail" in fact, each time using it, it actually made play better, not only in that session but in the future too.

 

 

[Deleted Member]

What you need to remember is I'm still coming to terms with my sadistic cravings,It's caught me a little by surprise how easily I've felt comfortable with it,embraced it.You are right and "failing"was probably too strong a word but for me I want to know from monitoring my partner closely when to  back off before I reach that point.

[Wo****]

I get that 😊

To be able to back off from that point you gotta know where that point is though.

 

[Deleted Member]

Agreed but it from this conversastion seems I may not quite be ready to push that hard.In time maybe but not right now,Still finding my way maybe.

[Ky****]

15 minutes ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Why?

Using the Safe word isn't failing. You're not psychic. Yes, you can read the cues, yes you can know your sub, but you're human as am I. I've used my Safe word with Pirate, only once or twice, none of those times did he "fail" in fact, each time using it, it actually made play better, not only in that session but in the future too.

 

 

very good point, as a sub I like to be stretched, if the dom/domme never gets me to say the safe word then I'm not really being stretched, suspect other subs feel the same.

so @Donnykinkster you are certainly not failing if your sub uses their safeword, it might be different if it happened everytime but as @LazyPiratesBountysays it helps to establish limits for future play so may be necessary from time to time, if that's what you both want

[Ky****]

2 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said:

Agreed but it from this conversastion seems I may not quite be ready to push that hard.In time maybe but not right now,Still finding my way maybe.

that's great no one should push anyone unless that's what they've asked for, grow in your own time, it'll come or it won't either way enjoy

[Deleted Member]

Now that makes sense

[Si****]

My sub doesn't do *** well. I have a deep desire to inflict *** but never do.

For me, its about knowing the limits and never breaking them. I start soft and build up until a yellow is called. close to the limit but no further. For me, its important my sub feel free and confident to make a Safe word call when she needs to. Knowing that, It helps me to stay in the boundaries of our play.

My sub once let me push her so far as to call a red. She made that decision to hold back until i had gone right to her limit.

I felt guilty after, i would say i suffered a bit of Dom drop after as well. I didn't feel guilty for inflicting the *** but the guilt of her wanting to give me a gift of letting me do so knowing it wasn't something for her but for me.

When she called red, I stopped and gave all the aftercare i could give. Even thought i always give aftercare, i went overload with it on that occasion. I felt bad that a red call was made, but equally glad she had called red.

I know i would get great pleasure from inflicting *** to someone who loves it. I know it would be a pleasure and a rare treat to do so. However, i wouldn't change a thing about my sub. She gives me more than I could imagine.

 

Edited April 13, 2020 by SirGreen

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, LazyPiratesBounty said:

Maybe the problem is in our perception of the meaning of sadism. Generally we don't wanna hurt people so deriving pleasure in inflicting *** is kinda weird. 

Or it's like a scale... lower end of sadism is where it's a fun thing the higher end where it's physcotic....

 

I've been wondering about the definition of Sadism lately. Something fruits or Fab said in her thread about masochism.... Is Sadism supposed to mean the SEXUAL enjoyment of inflicting ***? Can Sadism be sexual and non-sexual? 

For years, I repressed my desire to hurt people during intimate play BECAUSE it aroused me, and I was sure that was wrong. As a ***ager, that was a pretty confusing experience. I was also a fiesty young woman with possible anger management issues. I punched a few other kids at school. Kicked one lad really hard in the nuts once. Stabbed someone in the arm with a pencil - see, I'm evil? I think the last time I did it, I was about 13, and I smacked someone hard over the head. I was so ashamed of myself. I still am. 

So it's all about consensual *** for me now. 

But what is that urge about? That satisfaction from seeing a welt rise on a sub's skin? From seeking my teeth marks all over his chest? 

-----

And I also wonder, would I still derive pleasure from being on the receiving end, if I was to put myself in that position again? 

[Ar****]

51 minutes ago, Kymi said:

very good point, as a sub I like to be stretched, if the dom/domme never gets me to say the safe word then I'm not really being stretched, suspect other subs feel the same.

so @Donnykinkster you are certainly not failing if your sub uses their safeword, it might be different if it happened everytime but as @LazyPiratesBountysays it helps to establish limits for future play so may be necessary from time to time, if that's what you both want

Very much agree with you here Kymi. I've spoken with subs in the past who feel almost disappointed that they have never felt they had to use their safeword even in extreme situations, and when we have discussed potentially playing together one of the things they have wanted to get out of the experience is to be (reasonably safely) taken to the point where they have to use it - if indeed they can be taken that far at all.

[Deleted Member]

Something else I've wondered about over the years, is whether Sadism serves a higher purpose? I think it can be more than just a base or sexual instinct. 

A Sadist can deliver an almost spiritual experience to the masochist/sub they are playing with. They can help the person to find inner resources they didn't believe they had. Being a masochist and finding your tolerance can make you feel stronger, more resilient. 

I suppose this crosses into the religious and spiritual uses of inflicting ***. Shamans use it to reach a higher state of consciousness, allowing them to travel into other realms and speak with Spirit guides. 

[Deleted Member]

As I have mentioned in a previous forum post, I don;t identify as a sadist, although I enjoy spanking, paddling, flogging, and recently, caning my submissive. Perhaps one way to know if you are, is do you get aroused during punishing your submissive? I don't as too busy concentrating on where impacting, how hard, and watching her every hand twitch, foot curl, deep breath, moan, etc. to ensure I am within, but pushing, her limits. Just my thoughts ......

[Deleted Member]

@MsWhiteRose. I think that's close to the mark , I don't know about religious or spiritual, but certainly getting to subspace is the ultimate goal for me, I can't answer for other subs though, to get there I have to be pushed to my endurance , then an internal battle is raging inside , with my sensible 'not wanting to be a ***y mess ' side wanting me to safe word arguing with the *** slut side who is pleading 'but it feels soooo nice ' while little ***gasms are popping in my mind , then I drop into lovely subspace so the safeword never comes lol . @Donnykinkster try not to feel too bad if your sub safewords as sometimes that line from sweet spot to safeword is very fine.

[ey****]

2 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

I completely understand the need for safewords bit if I pushed to the point it was used then I would feel I had failed somewhat

I think there's a lot to consider around safewords - and one is that on a particular day the sub just might not get into the right place for whatever reason or that, sometimes things shift.   They can also help you.

I think a big no no is to tell a sub you feel you'd failed if they used one as that might pressure them into not using one when needed.

I've safeworded and had someone safeword.   To give an example - someone wanted to do some breath play and liked the idea of using a gas mask.  They tried, but had to safeword as they just didn't like how they felt in the gas mask.

Aside from a couple of scenes that were deliberately done to safeword (I did an electric scene where we went for a big finish on how far I was happy to push) I once had to safeword in a nail scratching scene because it was just too much - it was 3 ladies and just overpowering.    But, also, the last time I had to stop a scene was in a strap on scene, with someone I was looking forward to seeing and playing with -  and - I think there was a little external pressure where I just got conscious of my surroundings and the time and my brain just fell out so I had to stop.

None of these are failures. 

 

[Ar****]

1 hour ago, MsWhiteRose said:

Something else I've wondered about over the years, is whether Sadism serves a higher purpose? I think it can be more than just a base or sexual instinct. 

A Sadist can deliver an almost spiritual experience to the masochist/sub they are playing with. They can help the person to find inner resources they didn't believe they had. Being a masochist and finding your tolerance can make you feel stronger, more resilient. 

I suppose this crosses into the religious and spiritual uses of inflicting ***. Shamans use it to reach a higher state of consciousness, allowing them to travel into other realms and speak with Spirit guides. 

Yes!!

 

I take a moderate amount of pleasure from inflicting *** in a kink setting, as it feeds my Dominant/assertive ego.

 

However what I "get off" on is knowing that a sub under my control is enjoying the *** I am inflicting upon them. That they are choosing ME to inflict it. That my sadistic acts are taking them to an even deeper place of committal and submissiveness. I put a great deal of work into marrying their *** and pleasure so it becomes harder to disassociate, and then their subsequent pleasure gratifies me. It is a cycle which loops back in on itself, for the betterment of both our experiences. 

[Deleted Member]

12 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Yes!!

 

I take a moderate amount of pleasure from inflicting *** in a kink setting, as it feeds my Dominant/assertive ego.

 

However what I "get off" on is knowing that a sub under my control is enjoying the *** I am inflicting upon them. That they are choosing ME to inflict it. That my sadistic acts are taking them to an even deeper place of committal and submissiveness. I put a great deal of work into marrying their *** and pleasure so it becomes harder to disassociate, and then their subsequent pleasure gratifies me. It is a cycle which loops back in on itself, for the betterment of both our experiences. 

Yes exactly right,for me that's bang on

[Deleted Member]

14 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

I put a great deal of work into marrying their *** and pleasure so it becomes harder to disassociate, and then their subsequent pleasure gratifies me.

 

Yes! There's a real art involved in doing this. And it's wonderful when you experience the results.