Ghosting?

[Deleted Member]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

 that they could go back to them if their other interest didn't work out.

For me that is the main reason this happens. A better or what they perceive to be a better offer appears. This sadly is something we all have to deal with from time to time.

[Ky****]

@eyemblacksheep internet rudeness again by the sound of it

[ey****]

gonna put it also that - sometimes folk might get it a bit wrong and are maybe waiting on something from the other person to not be pushy - or perhaps they've not been deliberately ghosted, the other person needs a nod - it gets complex

[Carnelian2]

I cannot help thinking that people are afraid of telling bad news and of confrontation. So, if they decide they do not wish to pursue a connection, they would rather just stop communicating than suffer the prospect of having to actually explain why they think it would not work.

We could put it down to bad manners, but actually, just *** of confrontation. It is also then a question of how the other person reacts if told.

[Ky****]

@Carnelian2 sounds about right, tell someone its off and you've got to face the possibility of explaining and answering their questions, which can make you feel bad as if you over reacted, we all know the risk there

[Kalmoon]

There are a lot of bullshit merchants around it’s not nice to get ghosted at all

[Carnelian2]

1 hour ago, Kymi said:

@Carnelian2 sounds about right, tell someone its off and you've got to face the possibility of explaining and answering their questions, which can make you feel bad as if you over reacted, we all know the risk there

.... however, that does not excuse not telling someone. Honesty is always the best way, and we sometimes learn things that we did not know, such as wrong assumptions, etc.

[Clairie34]

4 hours ago, Kymi said:

@Sirsgoodgirlin general do they stay on here?  I've been finding a trend of this happening with people who are local to me and then after a while they delete their profile without telling me why b4 they go

Well I started talking to him in here, then we started chatting on kik. However within a day or so his picture disappeared, I asked him why and his response was he took it off in case someone recognised him that he knows, I did question him if he was ashamed of his kinks to which he replied no. 
 

I then asked him for some more info on his self his age etc as his profile states he is 36 and told him his profile states his origin as Finland, he replied with he is 32 not 36 and that he must change that (still shows as 36) and that he is defo not Finnish and he reckons his profile has been hacked.

his profile is still visible but hasn’t been used for around 11 days. It now kinda has me worrying. 
my messages on kik or only showing as sent not delivered which means he either has no connection, his phone is off or he has logged out of it.

i did ask him if he had a gf, his reply was no I haven’t. Because he was taking so long to reply, hours at a time. He said it’s cos he is working, he has been working pretty much every day since we started talking. Always gave his long reply apologises as “sorry a little busy at work”, “not been feeling too well today” Or that he is exhausted. 
 

he completely drew me in which is what I am angered at more than the ghosting to be honest. Got me attached then threw me away 😡

[Clairie34]

2 hours ago, Carnelian2 said:

I cannot help thinking that people are afraid of telling bad news and of confrontation. So, if they decide they do not wish to pursue a connection, they would rather just stop communicating than suffer the prospect of having to actually explain why they think it would not work.

We could put it down to bad manners, but actually, just *** of confrontation. It is also then a question of how the other person reacts if told.

I politely asked him from the get go if he ever got to the point of no longer wanting to pursue this then I would like him to tell me and not ghost me. I would simply end it and move on. not to leave me sat here wondering cos that is the worst part of it all. My mind is constantly running as to why when he promised he wouldn’t ghost me and that his intentions were for this to me long term etc....absolute bullshit. 

[Deleted Member]

It’s very hard at times and not restricted to Fetish! I have felt miserable about it at times even though I know it’s not personal and those who do it are the problem. I think people should have the guts to have the difficult conversation. It is never as hard as they think it will be to say “this isn’t working for me, sorry”. It takes guts to be honest and open with people. But it’s worth it. Keep your head high!

[Vandalslut]

1 hour ago, Sirsgoodgirl said:

I then asked him for some more info on his self his age etc as his profile states he is 36 and told him his profile states his origin as Finland, he replied with he is 32 not 36 and that he must change that (still shows as 36) and that he is defo not Finnish and he reckons his profile has been hacked.

his profile is still visible but hasn’t been used for around 11 days. It now kinda has me worrying. 
my messages on kik or only showing as sent not delivered which means he either has no connection, his phone is off or he has logged out of it.

i did ask him if he had a gf, his reply was no I haven’t. Because he was taking so long to reply, hours at a time. He said it’s cos he is working, he has been working pretty much every day since we started talking. Always gave his long reply apologises as “sorry a little busy at work”, “not been feeling too well today” Or that he is exhausted. 

FFS, another head game player who's 'busy'. The ghosters seem to like getting their prey off this site to chat on another, there's been a few posts along these lines lately.  Stay on the site where you meet and keep to it, even if they push to get you away from it. 'Working'? Unless he's working from home...my dear mate has been taken in  by this FakeBook arse saying he's been busy at work, he's allegedly a manager at the local Starbucks - which haven't been open in weeks due to the Covid shut down. And this has completely passed her by.  Sirsgoodgirl, move on from the iffy Finn. While Carnelian2 has a point - sometimes people are afraid of confrontation - there's not a hell of a lot confrontation in PMs. Sometimes, as DonnyKinkster says, they keep a few options open in case one choice doesn't work out - this is as unpleasant and vampiric as dodging the confrontation.  It's be better to be straight about it - he can just say that perhaps he isn't your match, or even that something has changed in his life and he'd rather you be free to seek a more suitable Sir/Dom. Whatever. Anything's better and kinder than sudden silence. And if he hasn't got the guts to be honest and upfront, he's not a Dom anyway. Sending best and blessings.

[Carnelian2]

@SirsgoodgirlOn reflection, some people are just inconsiderate, weak, spineless so and so's - just be happy you found out now and not some future date. It is not a reflection on you, but on him, don't ever forget that

[Si****]

I know I may get some flack over my next comment, but its just my opinion and no one has to take it.

There has been a few people saying that some people don't have the courage to speak up and say "its just not working out" or " I'm just not feeling the connection". I know its a hard thing to have to say to someone and especially if its someone you have been getting to know. However, If the person is proclaiming to be a Dom, then they don't get to use the defence "they didn't have the courage". A Dom should have the courage to take responsibility for their role in the relationship, including being honest at the point of ending the relationship.

Now if we are talking about a sub ending it, they too should have been empowered by the Dom to be honest and have a voice. This is also the responsibility of the Dom to ensure they help their sub to speak up about how they feel the relationship is progressing. If the Sub doesn't feel they are an equal part of the relationship, then there has to be a reason for this and that the Dom should have picked up on it. Either the Dom is over powering the sub

, or the Dom didn't care, or the sub hasn't been encouraged or given the opportunity to show who they are and vocalise what they desire to become.

Like I said, i know some will disagree, and that's OK. The whole point of these posts are so others can understand how others think and to learn by, even if they don't agree.

[Clairie34]

18 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

I know I may get some flack over my next comment, but its just my opinion and no one has to take it.

There has been a few people saying that some people don't have the courage to speak up and say "its just not working out" or " I'm just not feeling the connection". I know its a hard thing to have to say to someone and especially if its someone you have been getting to know. However, If the person is proclaiming to be a Dom, then they don't get to use the defence "they didn't have the courage". A Dom should have the courage to take responsibility for their role in the relationship, including being honest at the point of ending the relationship.

Now if we are talking about a sub ending it, they too should have been empowered by the Dom to be honest and have a voice. This is also the responsibility of the Dom to ensure they help their sub to speak up about how they feel the relationship is progressing. If the Sub doesn't feel they are an equal part of the relationship, then there has to be a reason for this and that the Dom should have picked up on it. Either the Dom is over powering the sub

, or the Dom didn't care, or the sub hasn't been encouraged or given the opportunity to show who they are and vocalise what they desire to become.

Like I said, i know some will disagree, and that's OK. The whole point of these posts are so others can understand how others think and to learn by, even if they don't agree.

I do agree with everything you just said, the Dom is meant to be the alpha in my opinion. He is meant to lead, guide etc running away with no word in my opinion is weak and no Dom should show any weakness. They are supposed to be In control. 
 

 Well that’s what I think anyway

[Deleted Member]

Ghosting is a pet ***ve of mine, talk to you for days/weeks on end, move onto a different chat platform then decide to totally ignore you for no reason. If men/women don't have the guts to say something to you, then that to me means that they lack the communication skills that is required for  a D/s relationship. Been there and certainly is not nice. Gut instinct kicked in for me, little things that sounded normal but now thinking back, I should of opened my eyes a bit more.

Move on and delete everything about him. It isn't a bad reflection on you as a person, it is just him.

There is someone for everyone, just a case of crossing paths with him 

[Clairie34]

I am just gunna delete every trace of him, one thing I cannot stand is liars and this is all he is. There is no excuse or plausible explanation to ever think that lying or ghosting will ever be okay. 
 

 

[cautiousswitch]

I ghost when I don't know what to say. Better to say nothing than to flail about in the hopes of saying the right thing.  Sometimes it just takes time for me to think of what to say and it's more of a long pause than ghosting, sometimes it's ghosting.  My two general categories of ghosting are:

1 - big liars.  One woman I was talking to set up a facebook account not realizing that facebook would recognize her address as one that I had contacted frequently and send me a notification.  I read her profile rather than just sending a friend request and it turns out she was a lot less divorced than she had told me she was.

2 - psychos.  This is not just the usual claim of psycho some men make when they break up with a woman.  There is the woman who, in her second message, went off into a rant about how her ex-husband voted for Hilary Clinton instead of Obama in the primaries and didn't even tell her he was going to (we were not discussing politics when she decided this was the thing to tell me).  There was another woman who anytime I disagreed with her accused me of looking for an excuse to break up.

[Si****]

1 hour ago, cautiousswitch said:

I ghost when I don't know what to say. Better to say nothing than to flail about in the hopes of saying the right thing.  Sometimes it just takes time for me to think of what to say and it's more of a long pause than ghosting, sometimes it's ghosting.  My two general categories of ghosting are:

1 - big liars.  One woman I was talking to set up a facebook account not realizing that facebook would recognize her address as one that I had contacted frequently and send me a notification.  I read her profile rather than just sending a friend request and it turns out she was a lot less divorced than she had told me she was.

2 - psychos.  This is not just the usual claim of psycho some men make when they break up with a woman.  There is the woman who, in her second message, went off into a rant about how her ex-husband voted for Hilary Clinton instead of Obama in the primaries and didn't even tell her he was going to (we were not discussing politics when she decided this was the thing to tell me).  There was another woman who anytime I disagreed with her accused me of looking for an excuse to break up.

I'm sorry to say, I don't agree with either reason for ghosting. There is no reason you cant say to someone  " i need some time to get my head around what i wish to say" other than to just say nothing. There is nothing wrong with pausing for thought. There is no reason to flail around hoping to say the right thing. Say what you feel and be honest.

With regards to 1- big liars. You should have told her that her FB account has notified you and you were not happy with her not so divorced status and you were ending your communication. There was no reason to Ghost.

with regards to 2- psychos. You could have asked her why she felt she needed to mention her ex and his political decisions. Then the other woman had the right to know you didn't like her accusations that you were trying to break up. you should have told her you would just break up and didn't need to create an excuse. Again no reason to just ghost.

[cautiousswitch]

26 minutes ago, SirGreen said:

There is no reason you cant say to someone  " i need some time to get my head around what i wish to say" other than to just say nothing.

Except that you are committing yourself to eventually saying something when you may never have anything to say. 

[Si****]

1 minute ago, cautiousswitch said:

Except that you are committing yourself to eventually saying something when you may never have anything to say. 

If you have nothing to say, then you say "i have nothing to say".

If they are not asking something, then you either say nothing or you get them talking by asking them something. That's what communication is about. one person starts followed by the other. I'm always committed to "eventually" saying something. Its only a matter of time before someone says something. lol

[Zaratnak]

As hard as it can be, it's best not to take things like this personally. Although it can hurt to feel ignored by people you have a connection with, sometimes, especially on the internet, you only see one part of a person's life. If something happens to that person in another part of their life, their energy and focus can turn elsewhere. This shouldn't be a reflection of your or their personality. Sometimes, life just puts us on a road that we weren't expecting. I hope things turn out well!

Edited May 12, 2020 by Zaratnak

[Vandalslut]

10 hours ago, SirGreen said:

A Dom should have the courage to take responsibility for their role in the relationship, including being honest at the point of ending the relationship....There is no reason you cant say to someone  " i need some time to get my head around what i wish to say" other than to just say nothing. There is nothing wrong with pausing for thought.

In any relationship, EVERYONE needs to be honest and take responsibility. One could also say, 'I need some time to get my head around what YOU are saying,' or a variant thereof.

 

4 hours ago, SirGreen said:

With regards to 1- big liars. You should have told her that her FB account has notified you and you were not happy with her not so divorced status and you were ending your communication. There was no reason to Ghost.

with regards to 2- psychos. You could have asked her why she felt she needed to mention her ex and his political decisions. Then the other woman had the right to know you didn't like her accusations that you were trying to break up. you should have told her you would just break up and didn't need to create an excuse. Again no reason to just ghost.

 Spot on. The straight, truthful answer. You don't do lies and you don't discuss politics/don't like  being accused of an intention that was never there in the first place, except in her mind.

 

9 hours ago, VitaminC said:

There is no excuse or plausible explanation to ever think that lying or ghosting will ever be okay. 

Exactly. Lying, ghosting and cheating are never OK and never will be, anywhere. Here, we're in a cyber-community and we're people others would make fun of or disapprove of, or look down on. Let's keep to the simple ethics and have a safe and honest community. Who knows - it may even spread to the outer world.

[Vandalslut]

6 hours ago, cautiousswitch said:

I ghost when I don't know what to say. Better to say nothing than to flail about in the hopes of saying the right thing.  Sometimes it just takes time for me to think of what to say and it's more of a long pause than ghosting, sometimes it's ghosting. 

Years ago I worked in a busy law office. One secretary had the perfect solution for ranters, etc on the phone. When an angry client called, she would begin to speak then hang up, wait two or three minutes then call them back, and say, "I'm terribly sorry,  the switchboard must have cut us off," then begin the conversation again. The client had had a chance to cool down; and she had a few minutes in which to keep her own temper or look up an answer to the client's problem. I worked with her for three years and it always, always worked. She told me, "When someone's the sort that rants or screams, they'll never believe anyone would hang up on the sound of their OWN voice. I hang up when I'm talking, and they believe that yeah, the phone dropped out or the switchboard accidentally cut us off. If I hang up on them because they're being rowdy and abusive, they just get angrier."

Try something similar. Drop out of whatever site you're in for a few minutes while you're responding, have a think about what to say, then get back to them with, "Don't know what happened there, must have had a internet/power fail...where were we?"

But don't ghost.  It's cruel. Would you like to be on the receiving end?

[cautiousswitch]

12 minutes ago, Vandalslut said:

But don't ghost.  It's cruel. Would you like to be on the receiving end?

I often have been.  I think, "Their loss," and move on with my life.

[Vandalslut]

7 minutes ago, cautiousswitch said:

I often have been.  I think, "Their loss," and move on with my life.

'Tis true. It is their loss - but when there's been a long investment of time and effort, and a connection has been established, it hurts to be on the receiving end.