What Are BDSM Contracts /BDSM Agreements?

[Deleted Member]

A Contract is a document/agreement within any kind of Power Exchange or BDSM play. Some participants choose to have them and some don’t, neither decision is the right decision because each dynamic is different. 

 

More importantly, it’s a useful way to open up the lines of communication and negotiate the terms of play. As well as expectations and limits. It can be as little as one or two sentences on a napkin, a verbal agreement over coffee, or a 20-page document stamped by a notary and then signed in *** in front of witnesses at a collaring ceremony. The point is there’s no right or wrong way to have a contract, it all depends on your individual dynamic and what each partner wants to achieve from the relationship. Some D/S agreements can be purely sexual while others can be built on emotional growth and development. The main objective is that both parties are happy and fulfilled within the dynamic and have a document to reference if they’re not and adjustments made. Basically it removes the he said she said aspect and eliminates confusion.

 

WHERE TO START? 

 

1. Negotiate & Define Your Dominant/Submissive dynamic.

2. Bring up and discuss your wants, needs and expectations;

3. Set down your goals, rules, rights, responsibilities and limits;

4. Know where you stand and what’s expected of you;

5. Set phases for your training or relationship;

6. Review your progress and make changes to reflect your growth;

7. Make your commitment seem more official (please note a BDSM contract is NOT legally en***able). It is a tool to help guide your relationship.

 

WHY HAVE BDSM AGREEMENTS?

 

1. They are meant to establish clear rules, boundaries, limits, punishments etc.

2. They define goals in the relationship

3. They guide your relationship (whether short or long term)

4. They create moral authority

5. Extend the role play aspect

 

ARE BDSM CONTRACTS LEGAL?

 

Despite the fact that individuals within the community will suggestion they are, they are NOT. They are just BDSM agreements. 

 

“Consensual slavery” isn’t a legally binding thing. You can’t take your Submissive/Slave to court because they didn’t suck your dick on demand or they want to permanently end the agreement, when you want them to stay but they do hold moral attachment with the community and should be respected. 

 

HOW DO YOU MAKE ONE?

 

It really depends on how formal and in-depth your relationship is. Do both participants want one? Will it be adhered to? Respected? No one wants to waste their time or energy providing a document to be ignored. 

 

Is it a BDSM contract because you’re trying to spice up your marriage? Is it Dom/Sub, Master/Slave, online, pet, scene only or 24/7 lifestyle agreement?

 

And, by the way…

 

The more formal contracts don’t make the BDSM relationship more valid. Contract or no contract every dynamic is special in its own right. 

 

SOME THINGS TO INCLUDE:

(not exclusive to)

 

1. Play term- days/weeks/years (if known)

2. Safe words, soft limits, hard limits, required limits 

3. Rights, responsibilities and expectations of both parties

4. Exceptions or special circumstances (home/kink balance, health- mental or physical)

5. Punishments and Rewards

6. Roles of Master/Slave- Dominant/Submissive 

7. External participants (if any)

8. Areas of control 

9. Language and Phrasing

10. Terms of Termination

11. Collaring (if applicable)

12. Promises of discretion

13. Areas of agreed Growth

14. Agreed Timeframes 

15. Equipment 

 

LET THE KINKY, CONSENSUAL, CONTRACTED or NON-CONTRACTED FUN BEGIN.  
 

💗

[Deleted Member]

I have always liked the idea of a BDSM contract. I have engaged in negotiations before now on this, but it always ends up them trying to extort *** from me.

I would always recommend that you always embark on the side of caution when entering negotiations when it comes to contracts and BDSM agreements.

Great post, thanks for sharing.

[Wo****]

Never had a BDSM contract, that said there have always been long discussions so maybe a verbal contract of sorts.

Tbh, it's not really something I've thought about, a written contract but it's given me food for thought and is definitely something I'll talk to Pirate about.

We have, and do, talk about the legal side of what we do regarding impact play and we've always talked about everything. We discuss any niggles or concerns we have, whenever we have them. I suppose we have that contract, just not written down. A BDSM agreement then. 

[ey****]

I don't believe I've met, and don't believe I know, anyone who has actually used a BDSM contract.

They can be a nice piece of symbolism - but, well, relationships develop past BDSM agreements. 

 

[ThinkingNaughty]

BDSM Contracts seem like a wonderful thing to have if you are about to embark on a one-off. For the sake of brevity it makes sense to lay out everything concisely so all expectations are effectively shared and clear.

Beyond that I feel like most relationships will not only develop organically but will also need the freedom/leeway to evolve and for its members grow and change over time.

As the OP suggested, each relationship is unique, and I know at least enough to see the truth of this.

[Vandalslut]

A well thought-out piece, thank you. 

A BDSM contract would make excellent clarity within a BDSM relationship - but true, they are not a legal document and will not stand up in any court. No parties in the relationship/dynamic have any doubt, there can be no, 'Oh, but I thought you said you would do XYZ...'  or, 'Sorry, I forgot ABC is a hard limit for you.' (Although there will be the tiny percentage that will still play this particular trick.)

As the relationship changes, the contract can be altered. As a bonus, if one does get mixed up with a scammer/extortionist,  the would-be victim has the document and - hopefully - print outs of any emails or screenshots of attempts to get ***, which can be evidence within the BDSM community and a warning to others who NOT to fall in with.

Like Bounty and Pirate, the Vandal and I have a verbal contract, and discussions when one or the other of us wishes to suggest changes. A BDSM agreement makes more sense it seems. 

[Deleted Member]

I always write a BDSM contract and sign it with my subs. It’s kind of fun but also serious.

But let’s not be too serious and overthinking dynamics and relationship. Not all need to be put on the table or be too pedantic. It’s after all a pleasure and fun experience.

[Deleted Member]

I've used BDSM contracts and they are useful in providing clarity about the dynamics of the relationship and is a  part of building up trust to enable to have a meaningful relationship.

However, as  it's been mentioned, relationships are fluid and change and it's easy for the contract to become out of date and less relevant, which is something to be aware of.  I would also say that lots of contracts do specify what happens when a relationship ends and  a break up is never procedural as any wording you can have written down in a contract.....maybe it's more of a BDSM agreement as people have said. 

 

[Deleted Member]

BDSM contracts can either be fun or serious, but if serious it's a BDSM agreement that needs to be revisited regularly. 

[Deleted Member]

Indeed @Vandalslut everything is subject to change as the dynamic grows 💗

[To****]

Thank you  for this, it can help people thinking about what to discuss before and during the relationship 

[ok****]

Thank you for the info♥️

[ju****]

Is they any fee involved with  BDSM contract? About year ago I was with hopefully MISTRESS she told me I had to pay her and something called"The Council" before I could be her's . It was $500 that they were seeking for what called "Submissive/MISTRESS' agreement.

[ey****]

  3 hours ago, justlearn said:

Is they any fee involved?

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that would be between the submissive and Dominant, butttt...
 

  3 hours ago, justlearn said:

About year ago I was with hopefully MISTRESS she told me I had to pay her and something called"The Council" before I could be her's . It was $500 that they were seeking for what called "Submissive/MISTRESS' agreement

Expand  

that's a scam.

 

[co****]

It says they aren't legally binding, but I bet it does help cover your ass if she/they decide to blackmail you with non-concentual charges.

[ey****]

I genuinely can't think of a scenario where it would.

Blackmail is blackmail and already covered in law.  There is no extra protection from having any form of BDSM contract.

And to give an idea of how little weight they hold... some straw scenarios.

- you have a girlfriend who you raise a fetish with and she tries it a few times and decides she doesn't like it.  She no longer wishes to do it. The contract has no weight.  

- Following on from the above, she decides she will do the fetish for you, even though she doesn't enjoy it - but wants something in return.  IDK, OK, say... taken for a meal, or a gift, or whatever.  This is obviously a change to what you originally agreed, but imagine going to a court and saying "my girlfriend won't do my fetish for me unless we get take out" - there's no court in civilised society going to demand she does this for you.

- Say, you have or are talking to a Dominant and you make a BDSM agreement ("BDSM contract") and a month or so in she finds that a lot of her end is actually expensive.  Buying clothes/toys/equipment etc. or talking with you, setting tasks, whatever else is in there - is just a toll on her time.  So, she wants to revisit this by asking for a monthly allowance for the time she is giving you and things she needs.  Whilst you can scream "but the contract!" it again holds no water 

- But, likewise... if you are in "Contract" with someone and agree a monthly allowance for either a set time period, or the rest of your life, or whatever - and then suddenly find you cannot afford it.. they can't pursue you for *** either.  Granted, depending on context it might be the relationship ends or things that were in the agreement to your benefit are no longer possible.  But, you know you're not going to be pursued through the courts.  It's the same with a lot of the "debt contracts" - they're designed to be fun between parties, and aren't en***able.