Vanilla relationship crumbling, seeking validation

June 2, 2020

Hey everyone!

I'm new here, so hello. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this and I apologize if it's not. I'm just looking for some clarity where I can't seem to part the fog on my own. Also, who better to seek advice from than fellow kinksters? I've been in a vanilla relationship for 5 years. To keep things short and simple, I do love him very much and he is my best friend. However, I have been trying to convince myself that this lifestyle is not essential to my happiness this entire time, and it's been rotting me from the inside out.

We've been through a lot, and he provided stability to me when I needed someone to lean on. We're engaged, looking at buying a house... it's a lot to throw away. Our sex life is almost non existent. When we do have sex, it's usually all about his pleasure and he just avoids the subject of my own, apparently just hoping I'm cool with not being satisfied. Our communication is horrible, and he tends to not want to hear what I have to say if it doesn't align with his own ideas.

Recently, I've done some self reflecting and realize why I feel so shitty. I know that there are other reasons that this isn't working beyond not being sexually compatible... but I feel like an absolute ass for feeling like being kinky is justification for hurting someone like this, though I know my own happiness has to be worth something.

Am I some kind of heartless deviant? What are some experiences y'all have, if you've ever been in a similar situation and how the hell did you handle it? I'm losing my damned mind.

Edited June 2, 2020 by FETMOD-TF
Formatting/and or spelling adjustments

June 2, 2020

You are neither selfish nor heartless. Your needs and desires are important. It's not just that he can't meet your needs, it's that he won't even try. He's unconcerned with anything other than his wants and needs. He is acting selfishly and heartlessly, not you. And if he's trying to make you believe you're at fault because you're a 'deviant' then he's also manipulating you (which is a form of ***). Engaged and buying a house together is a lot easier to get out of than being married and owning that home or having *** together. Run. Run now. Don't feel guilty. Don't let him talk you out of it. Don't let others tell you it's not that bad and you should just put up with it. Don't expect him to miraculously change, at least not for the better. He's already demonstrated that you don't really matter to him. He's never going to get better; he'll only get worse because once you're married, he'll find a way to trap you.

June 2, 2020

29 minutes ago, Paige_8 said:

You are neither selfish nor heartless. Your needs and desires are important. It's not just that he can't meet your needs, it's that he won't even try. He's unconcerned with anything other than his wants and needs. He is acting selfishly and heartlessly, not you. And if he's trying to make you believe you're at fault because you're a 'deviant' then he's also manipulating you (which is a form of ***). Engaged and buying a house together is a lot easier to get out of than being married and owning that home or having *** together. Run. Run now. Don't feel guilty. Don't let him talk you out of it. Don't let others tell you it's not that bad and you should just put up with it. Don't expect him to miraculously change, at least not for the better. He's already demonstrated that you don't really matter to him. He's never going to get better; he'll only get worse because once you're married, he'll find a way to trap you.

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Thank you for being so real, I really appreciate it. I'm afraid, but I know I will feel like myself again and for once I think that's worth it.

June 2, 2020

Taking BDSM and kink out of this and what you are left with is someone who is selfish and only looks for his pleasure.

Communication is valuble in any relationship even Vanilla and it can hurt when its not given. Why do I know this, I have been in your shoes. I met someone who helped me through a bad time in my life, everything was great until we got married and it all changed. Foreplay was the first thing to go and I was always left unsatisfied in bed, then the sex slowed down to almost nothing. Every time I tried to talk to him and tell him that if things didnt change that we would not last. So where are we now, we have slept in seperate beds now for 3 yrs, we are no longer husband and wife but are ***d to live in the same house for now due to financial circumstances.

Please be very careful in your next steps forward. take kink out of it and really try to see what your life would be like in 5 yrs time, will you be happy if things continue the way they are going. Best of luck to you.

June 2, 2020

Hey.
I spent almost 30 years suppressing or at least trying to suppress my kinky urges, tried so hard to live vanilla and what did it Archieve? A miserable life for me living a complete lie and eventual *** for some top lasses one of whom I was with for 15 years. Eventually it all became too much and I had to walk away.

Are you a heartless deviant? Would a heartless soul create a post like this? No is the simple answer, a heartless soul just wouldn't care as long as their needs were met. I can feel the *** in your words but sadly I can't advise you on the best course of action I can only tell you od my experience.

Of course your own happiness is important and it's obvious you have some big decisions to make so I will say this and I'm sorry if it's abrupt but again I say it from my own experience. Think about how you feel now, "rotting from the inside" what you need to ask yourself is how do you think that will feel in 5 years, do you think it will.go away? Sadly and I am sorry but you already know the answer. You have sought advice but deep down you already know the direction you must take. You could try as I did to live a lie but I can assure you all that will achieve is more misery not only for you but those around you. We can't change what we ate and what we feel and no it definitely doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to be happy.

June 2, 2020

2 hours ago, TemptressM said:

Taking BDSM and kink out of this and what you are left with is someone who is selfish and only looks for his pleasure.

Communication is valuble in any relationship even Vanilla and it can hurt when its not given. Why do I know this, I have been in your shoes. I met someone who helped me through a bad time in my life, everything was great until we got married and it all changed. Foreplay was the first thing to go and I was always left unsatisfied in bed, then the sex slowed down to almost nothing. Every time I tried to talk to him and tell him that if things didnt change that we would not last. So where are we now, we have slept in seperate beds now for 3 yrs, we are no longer husband and wife but are ***d to live in the same house for now due to financial circumstances.

Please be very careful in your next steps forward. take kink out of it and really try to see what your life would be like in 5 yrs time, will you be happy if things continue the way they are going. Best of luck to you.

If you dont have something productive to say then shut your mouth

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2 hours ago, Donnykinkster said:

Hey.
I spent almost 30 years suppressing or at least trying to suppress my kinky urges, tried so hard to live vanilla and what did it Archieve? A miserable life for me living a complete lie and eventual *** for some top lasses one of whom I was with for 15 years. Eventually it all became too much and I had to walk away.

Are you a heartless deviant? Would a heartless soul create a post like this? No is the simple answer, a heartless soul just wouldn't care as long as their needs were met. I can feel the *** in your words but sadly I can't advise you on the best course of action I can only tell you od my experience.

Of course your own happiness is important and it's obvious you have some big decisions to make so I will say this and I'm sorry if it's abrupt but again I say it from my own experience. Think about how you feel now, "rotting from the inside" what you need to ask yourself is how do you think that will feel in 5 years, do you think it will.go away? Sadly and I am sorry but you already know the answer. You have sought advice but deep down you already know the direction you must take. You could try as I did to live a lie but I can assure you all that will achieve is more misery not only for you but those around you. We can't change what we ate and what we feel and no it definitely doesn't make you a bad person for wanting to be happy.

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Thank you both so much for your wisdom and assurance. I appreciate straight talk more than ever right now, haha.

Also appreciate y'all coming to the defense. Some top notch folks ;D

June 2, 2020

This site is full of top notch folks, just as in any area we have the odd fool here and there 😊😊

June 2, 2020

Hi Guys

I have just done some house keeping on this thread.

Thank you to those who have posted a reply to our OP and kept on Topic.

We are a diverse bunch of people however insults and inappropriate comments are not welcome at anytime, so we thank you for remembering to stay on topic and not to attack the person or the lifestyle they choose to live.

June 2, 2020

It feels like there might be more wrong with this relationship than BDSM or kink can patch. Aside from that, it's probably worth telling him you really are not satisfied in sex.

You can give him some pointers, help, and see if he approves - but, I'd brace that you might not ever be satisfied and decide what to do from there.

June 2, 2020

You need to address your unhappiness with your sex life. You say he has been there for you through thick and thin - this I believe has let you accept your current unhappiness. This incompatibility will continue to gnaw at you and ultimately destroy your relationship, so you don't want that to happen after your married with the resultant consequences that that entails. So you need to communicate your feelings now. Maybe the move into a kinky lifestyle that you " think " you want might be the answer. Discuss with him, if you don't get any satisfying developments then you have to be honest with yourself and him.

June 2, 2020

I’ve lived this. Unsatisfied for 19 years. Someone who doesn’t care about you in bed doesn’t care about you out of bed. No matter what he says. This isn’t about kink, this is about you valuing yourself. Your needs matter. It’s ok to want things that please you. You deserve that. Please put yourself first. Because this man isn’t. It is hard to walk away from what you know, but it will be worth it.

June 2, 2020

Heya Fylgja93, its a difficult one, and you obviously have feelings for him. Is it possible that he is just shy/embarrassed about the whole sex thing vanilla or otherwise? What would happen if you introduced something a bit different to your sex life. See how he reacts to it? Ask him to use cuffs on you or that he isn't allowed to be satisfied unless he undressed you without using his hands. It could be words for him are hard, but in practise its up his street. If afterwards he shows no interest or just laughs it off, just say no to him and say "we need to have a talk". That should put some *** into him, it may make listen because he thinks that the status quo works. At the end of the day you can say you tried, hes not interested.

At the end of the day, you need to fo what you feel is right for you. Its not selfish, because if you're not happy another 5yrs down the road you may both not be happy.

June 2, 2020

9 hours ago, Fylgja93 said:

Hey everyone!

I'm new here, so hello. I'm not sure if this is the right place for this and I apologize if it's not. I'm just looking for some clarity where I can't seem to part the fog on my own. Also, who better to seek advice from than fellow kinksters? I've been in a vanilla relationship for 5 years. To keep things short and simple, I do love him very much and he is my best friend. However, I have been trying to convince myself that this lifestyle is not essential to my happiness this entire time, and it's been rotting me from the inside out.

We've been through a lot, and he provided stability to me when I needed someone to lean on. We're engaged, looking at buying a house... it's a lot to throw away. Our sex life is almost non existent. When we do have sex, it's usually all about his pleasure and he just avoids the subject of my own, apparently just hoping I'm cool with not being satisfied. Our communication is horrible, and he tends to not want to hear what I have to say if it doesn't align with his own ideas.

Recently, I've done some self reflecting and realize why I feel so shitty. I know that there are other reasons that this isn't working beyond not being sexually compatible... but I feel like an absolute ass for feeling like being kinky is justification for hurting someone like this, though I know my own happiness has to be worth something.

Am I some kind of heartless deviant? What are some experiences y'all have, if you've ever been in a similar situation and how the hell did you handle it? I'm losing my damned mind.

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Hi Fylgja, thanks for posting, i dont know you or anything other than this post so i'll simply just reply honestly to what i can.

firstly thing for me to say is... " trying to convince myself that this lifestyle is not essential to my happiness" should be obvious with the way you worded it, if you have to try to convince yourself something isnt real or true then you know in your heart it is because of the conscious effort our making to suppress it. suppressing anything, no matter the subject or the context, is never a good thing to do, it'll only keep trying to come out and you'll likely keep trying to push it down until one day it bubbles up too much and you break in someway, things can not be bottled up and i speak from experience with this. I fully understand how difficult it is to approach or even accept parts of yourself, i'm there right now, the only thing i can say is to not push too much for answers to yourself or push it away/deep down, let things flow and figure out as you go, read comments here, posts and questions in the forum and take what you've read in and see how it resonates with you.

A quick comment on your current relationship.... being unsatisfied is still being unsatisfied no matter the context, yours is obviously sexually related and not getting what you need or desire and ignoring everything you want will likely only swell and bubble into a festering tumour of resentment. In my last relationship i received no love, no affection, no making me feel wanted, she never initiated sex, she never communicated, she avoided me and she preferred to spend her time with anyone other than me....... all of those are things i needed and not getting any part of them poisoned the relationship and it quite obviously fell apart. You need what you need, not getting that will hurt you.

" I feel like an absolute ass for feeling like being kinky is justification for hurting someone like this"...... please dont take this the wrong way but i actually found that shocking to read to be honest, theres so much wrong with that sentence. 1) you should never feel like an ass for feeling a certain way. 2) feeling kinkiy is justification? damn straight it is, you need what you need regardless of their wants/need, if you're not happy you're not happy, full stop. 3) you said about hurting someone like this like it would change anything if the reason was different, it wont, if you not being happy or satisfied and wanting to discuss that and come to a reasonable result that means you get 50% of the relationship effort hurts him then you may need to have a serious think about your relationship on the basic level before you bring in the extra dynamics of kink and bdsm, a relationship is 50/50, split down the middle unless otherwise stated or discussed but it doesnt seem to me like thats the case for you, in my experience you need to address this for yourself however difficult it may be.

i was in a very similar situation and it broke me, it broke me down completely and destroyed any self worth or belief that i had. Please do some thinging and have that thinking focus solely on you, your want for your life and your desires for your sex life, don't let it drag you down like it did with me, it was no fun down there and they've no biscuits either, Coffee's a bit shit too.

and finally you're no heartless deviant, you're very much the opposite. a heartless deviant would have realised she wasnt being satisfied, jump up off of him, get dressed and tell him its all over on her way out.

good luck, i know it's not easy

Damo :)

June 2, 2020

Move on or you'll end up in a realtionship that is totally void of physical contact and hate every moment of it.

June 2, 2020

I'm on the same boat but I'm married, have a house and a kid 😞 difficult decision to make and I understand your struggle. If you need to talk, I'm here x

June 2, 2020

just curious, I had a house and more than 1 kid. I still walked, and I don’t regret it for a second. It is possible to walk away.

June 2, 2020

17 hours ago, TemptressM said:

Taking BDSM and kink out of this and what you are left with is someone who is selfish and only looks for his pleasure.

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15 hours ago, eyemblacksheep said:

It feels like there might be more wrong with this relationship than BDSM or kink can patch. Aside from that, it's probably worth telling him you really are not satisfied in sex.

Expand

20 hours ago, Fylgja93 said:

Our communication is horrible, and he tends to not want to hear what I have to say if it doesn't align with his own ideas.

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If you don't mind a couple of old veterans saying their two bob's worth... Marriage and partnership is made up of many parts and they all need to connect to make it work. Sex is one of them and is definitely a vital cornerstone. No matter what sort of sex it is.

I would agree that there is more wrong than unsatisfactory sex and he does know that something is wrong. If he is reluctant to listen now, what else is he going to disregard that doesn't align with his ideas? And there will be other issues as you go through life together, and those issues will need resolving. As Damo626 has said, keep pushing your feelings down and it'll come out somewhere else. You can even make yourself physically ill by keeping so much inside.

Is he just too scared to address the topic, thinking it'll make him 'less' of a man and he's hoping this will all miraculously sort itself out after the wedding? Could this problem be down to his upbringing, cultural background, religious beliefs or just his beliefs about sex ? Even in this day and age, there are men out there who were raised on the idea that women 'shouldn't' feel pleasure or that it really is all about the man, while she gets to lay back and think of England, as the old saying used to go. This is all bollocks of course, but those outdated ideas are still doing the rounds.

You're starting to question this unhappy state of affairs as the wedding comes closer - can you stand this arid life, devoid of meaningful communication, feeling as if your opinions are worthless, for the rest of your life? It's wonderful that he was there for you when you needed a friend and stability - but you do not 'owe' him for his help. He chose to offer his help and you chose to accept it - I'm sure you've expressed your gratitude and that's all you need to do.

Solutions? You could write him a letter, laying it all out - and don't just address the unhappiness of your sex life, it needs to be about his reluctance to accept or listen to your opinions about anything if they differ from his. You could ask him if he's prepared to get some counselling with you. Is there a friend or a family member he would listen to? This could be all down to an unwillingness to believe he's wrong; unwillingness to learn; or he's scared of confrontation, so avoids it by ignoring anything that's different to what he believes to be 'right'.

You've done the right thing - you're questioning and better to do this now than later. Postpone the home buying and the wedding. If you're living together and you have someone you can stay with, then move out while you sort this out. If he won't take any of the proposed solutions or any other ideas that could mend this problem, break off the engagement. Better to do it now than on the wedding day and have him as a friend you can love rather than someone you may eventually hate. Good luck - if you think we can help, feel free to PM. Blessings and best

Edited June 2, 2020 by Vandalslut

June 3, 2020

What you’re experiencing resonates so much. I entered into this lifestyle years ago but because I felt there was something wrong with me for needing this lifestyle walked away for long periods of time. In the process I hurt not just myself but *** when first one vanilla marriage and now a second vanilla marriage fell apart. It’s not an easy decision to make and it’s terrifying to start over but ultimately I decided I’d rather be miserable alone than continuing to live in a life that just wasn’t right. At this point I’m in the process of ending a 13 year marriage with four *** and all the interwoven financial trappings. I’m fortunate in that we were in a financial position that would allow us to each have our own households for our ***. Even though our marriage to the outside world appeared perfect on the inside it was crumbling. I spent the first five years trying to convince myself that I did not need this lifestyle and the next three telling myself it was just because it needed something more so we adopted four ***. The last five have been the toughest of them all. Thinking I could have it all but knowing deep down this was not the relationship I could have it in I once again began delving back into the lifestyle. Unfortunately for all involved he was not the person who I could have it all with. There are outside ***s that made sharing my needs with him unattainable. Short story long, five years ago I once again entered into this lifestyle with my previous partner. For five years I’d make quarterly trips for work related reasons to my old home state where I’d spend the weekend engaged in my lifestyle thinking just a little interlude could and would fix what was missing. I began requesting a divorce three and a half years ago only to be shutdown. Some may say I should have just walked then without knowing the entire story and maybe I should have but that didn’t happen. Fast forward to the present and I’m in the middle of a divorce. My *** currently live with their father because he took them and now it will be up to the courts who ultimately ends up with custody. If the courts knew what my lifestyle entailed the chances are highly probable it would not be me. It’s better to break the chains now before hurting everyone involved. I’d like to say I’d change everything but I cannot because that would mean not having my *** but hindsight is twenty twenty. You can always find another fiancée and buy a house but most important you can have it all with someone who shares all your needs currently being gone unanswered. You have no *** involved and the house has not happened yet. You’re not being selfish nor are you being hurtful. You’re being wise and caring towards both yourself and him even if he doesn’t see it at this point. There is someone out there who is right for you. It’s not easy but things worth having generally are not.

June 3, 2020

Hey Fy,

As you can see your situation resonates with a great many of us here. If you are of this lifestyle in preferences then it is only natural that you need to be fulfilled in that way.

I think often it can not just be the play etc. though, we want to be loved for our authentic selves. We want someone who can see us with our kinks and appreciate everything about us and not have to ignore some parts.

Also I think that a lot of this comes down to feeling that we are able to be heard, and no matter how extreme our kinks maybe, that they to will be heard in a safe environment.

That is the minimum for communication to be effective and I think that we all have those same wishes one way or another.

Now stop with calling yourself names like deviant. That is a word that vanilla people use to explain us when they cannot understand how or why we feel the way we do. You have to find your pride in your desires, not be ashamed of them.

Once you are then you are a lot closer to demanding the validation you need. You are a human being and no matter what our preferences we all need to feel accepted and appreciated. You are not selfish, you have been selfless.

Forgive me, but it sounds like you are getting out before the trap closes.

I wish you every luck.

June 3, 2020

5 hours ago, Thebian said:

Hey Fy,

As you can see your situation resonates with a great many of us here. If you are of this lifestyle in preferences then it is only natural that you need to be fulfilled in that way.

I think often it can not just be the play etc. though, we want to be loved for our authentic selves. We want someone who can see us with our kinks and appreciate everything about us and not have to ignore some parts.

Also I think that a lot of this comes down to feeling that we are able to be heard, and no matter how extreme our kinks maybe, that they to will be heard in a safe environment.

That is the minimum for communication to be effective and I think that we all have those same wishes one way or another.

Now stop with calling yourself names like deviant. That is a word that vanilla people use to explain us when they cannot understand how or why we feel the way we do. You have to find your pride in your desires, not be ashamed of them.

Once you are then you are a lot closer to demanding the validation you need. You are a human being and no matter what our preferences we all need to feel accepted and appreciated. You are not selfish, you have been selfless.

Forgive me, but it sounds like you are getting out before the trap closes.

I wish you every luck.

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As always your advice is directly on point.

June 4, 2020

Thanks to everyone who responded, I appreciate all of you! This has been agonizing, and I know that it has to do with more than just kink. I must take ownership of some of our communication issues, as I'm not always an open book... but I also feel like this part of myself has been such a huge way for me to express myself and to learn to trust and communicate openly... which is probably something I need to work on personally (lol)... Everyone wants to be seen by the person they love, though.

I did talk to him and asked for space to figure shit out... I don't think he was surprised, but I do think there's a lot of denial about how bad it is. He thinks we're perfect, our communication is great... He says we're connected.. which makes me wonder why I don't feel the same.. As per usual, he dismissed my feelings and I tend to get sucked in with guilt over his own. Just a few minutes after we talked he tried to act like nothing had even happened... it's like his defense. I am so weak to it, I'm starting to see why this has gone on for so long and why I've had such a hard time cutting myself away from him. I don't think it's intentional, but nonetheless it's manipulative and it's making me hate myself for making him feel this way.. I keep asking myself in disbelief if I'm really doing this, and I have to keep reminding myself that happiness exists elsewhere. Our lease is up soon, so it's a good time for change...

Thank you guys for helping me see that I am doing the right thing, probably for both of us...

June 4, 2020

Denial and manipulation? HE thinks it's all perfect? You know it isn't and as usual, he has dismissed your feelings. He doesn't want to know. This is someone who cannot deal with confrontation and not only that, manipulative behaviour is vampiric, and it's learned behaviour. Stop hating yourself and do not allow him to lay any guilt on you. It'll be a hard road, but it'll be worthwhile in the end. You need distance from this man's influence. You can try writing it all down for him as suggested; but he probably won't read it. You could try suggesting a chat with a counsellor but if he persists in the belief that nothing is wrong, you won't get him to go. You've done your best so there's no need to feel guilty. Wishing you all the very very best and sending blessings.

June 4, 2020

I can only echo what Vandalslut has already echoed. Stay strong in your resolve. Though he may be hurt now and this may hurt like hell for you too it’s much better to cut the cord now than get sucked back in. Been there and the next years won’t be any different. Be happy. Your perfect mate is out there waiting.

June 4, 2020

13 hours ago, Fylgja93 said:

Thanks to everyone who responded, I appreciate all of you! This has been agonizing, and I know that it has to do with more than just kink. I must take ownership of some of our communication issues, as I'm not always an open book... but I also feel like this part of myself has been such a huge way for me to express myself and to learn to trust and communicate openly... which is probably something I need to work on personally (lol)... Everyone wants to be seen by the person they love, though.

I did talk to him and asked for space to figure shit out... I don't think he was surprised, but I do think there's a lot of denial about how bad it is. He thinks we're perfect, our communication is great... He says we're connected.. which makes me wonder why I don't feel the same.. As per usual, he dismissed my feelings and I tend to get sucked in with guilt over his own. Just a few minutes after we talked he tried to act like nothing had even happened... it's like his defense. I am so weak to it, I'm starting to see why this has gone on for so long and why I've had such a hard time cutting myself away from him. I don't think it's intentional, but nonetheless it's manipulative and it's making me hate myself for making him feel this way.. I keep asking myself in disbelief if I'm really doing this, and I have to keep reminding myself that happiness exists elsewhere. Our lease is up soon, so it's a good time for change...

Thank you guys for helping me see that I am doing the right thing, probably for both of us...

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I read this last night and it's been percolating in the back of my mind ever since. You are not alone and it's time, *** Sub, for this to be about you and what does work instead of about him and what doesn't work.

I'm going to Dom you for a few sentences. You are now forbidden to feel any guilt over shortcomings that aren't yours. You've owned your issues. You're not to take responsibility for his, too. You are worthy, beautiful, capable, loving, kind, and empathetic. Your needs are important and no one has the right to trivialize them. Your desires may be different than the narrow-minded box mainstream society tries to *** us in, but 'different' does NOT equal 'wrong.'

Don't forget that being submissive doesn't mean you're weak. Submission is a strength because, in part, it's a gift you choose to give to someone who is worthy of you.

June 5, 2020

On 6/4/2020 at 7:54 AM, Paige_8 said:

I read this last night and it's been percolating in the back of my mind ever since. You are not alone and it's time, *** Sub, for this to be about you and what does work instead of about him and what doesn't work.

I'm going to Dom you for a few sentences. You are now forbidden to feel any guilt over shortcomings that aren't yours. You've owned your issues. You're not to take responsibility for his, too. You are worthy, beautiful, capable, loving, kind, and empathetic. Your needs are important and no one has the right to trivialize them. Your desires may be different than the narrow-minded box mainstream society tries to *** us in, but 'different' does NOT equal 'wrong.'

Don't forget that being submissive doesn't mean you're weak. Submission is a strength because, in part, it's a gift you choose to give to someone who is worthy of you.

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I love you for this, lol! Thank you, you're so right. I've been stuck in the wrong headspace for too long xD