Deleted Member Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Hey everyone. I’m in a 24/7 FLR. My sub isn’t feeling as challenged as he use to be. He said he’s feeling bored. Which isn’t the first time he’s said that. In the last week, I’ve changed his tasks. Created a new system with points and rewards. I’m constantly teasing him, and playing around with him. I’m directing him to do chores, tasks, I pick out his clothes like every morning, etc. I’m frustrated that I’m putting in the effort but it’s not enough for him. I don’t know what he’s lacking or missing. I asked him, and he said he’s guna think about it, because he doesn’t know either. It’s just so frustrating. He’s naturally submissive whether we are fully engaged in a FLR or not. Maybe he’s just in a bad mood. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve made a post like this before. I just don’t get what I’m not doing.
ey**** Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 I feel that yes, a good task to set him is for him to go away and think what he is missing. To have permission to raise suggestions for your consideration. I think if your constantly being expected to think of new tasks or to micromanage to stop him being bored then this is exhausting for you. Perhaps there could be a task to learn a new skill.
gibo94 Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 Personally to me it seems they is not a lot you aren’t doing. When I first read this I was expecting you to say you have set rules and that it is but after reading it it does seem like you are putting in the effort. Your sub on the other hand gives of the impression that he isn’t putting in much effort. You have asked him why he is bored and the reply “guna think about it” seems a bit lacklustre to me. He is complaining about something but they says he doesn’t really know what he is complaining about. Before you can improve his boredom he needs to give you a more detailed answer on ways he thinks you can improve the relationship, just because you’re the domme doesn’t mean you’re input is the only input.
bi**** Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 My opinion, and it may well be completely wrong depending on your dynamic, is ot forget the taskls and ceremony of the whole thing and just go for strict. He wants the stern, demanding, strict domme that ha can have a do-things-for-you response, but you need to try the different way of guiding him. So instead of micromanaging him, try directing instead, a "this is what I expect, now make it happen" attitude that take no prisoners and give zero tolerance. It might work, it lets him have a lot of freedom to express himself whilst also having little to no choice. And its easier for you too, he does the work, you wave your hand and demand obedience.
TemptressM Posted June 19, 2020 Posted June 19, 2020 You did make a post and were given loads of ideas and you seemed to have implemented some of them. I will voice my opinion again, you seem to be doing all the work in this. bittenkiss's way might work but there is a chance that it will soon get boring for him too so my suggestion, stop, simply stop every single thing that you do for him for 1 week (step out of the FLR) let him see just how much work it takes to actually be a FLR and maybe he will stop demanding more. I'm sorry but whether its a D/s or a FLR or a vanilla marriage, communication and working together is key. Being a Dominant does not mean that all the work is dropped on us and the sub just follows, even in short play the sub needs to put effort into it for both people to enjoy. What you are describing is work. I wish you the best of luck
Deleted Member Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 So we talked and it went well. He said he feels like I was just focusing on orgasm control, and he lacked other things like *** and sissy stuff to truly get him in “sub space”. He told me “It's so much work. Keeping up after 4 people almost all on my own. At 1st I thought maybe it's not enough, now I am thinking it's too much... I submit better from *** than denial... after a while a accept denial and im just not urged on anymore”. So it wasn’t that he was bored necessarily. I just didn’t know what he was truly lacking. So I guess we’ll see how this goes. Thanks everyone for the suggestions.
Jinxy Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 2 hours ago, EmDomme said: So we talked and it went well. He said he feels like I was just focusing on orgasm control, and he lacked other things like *** and sissy stuff to truly get him in “sub space”. He told me “It's so much work. Keeping up after 4 people almost all on my own. At 1st I thought maybe it's not enough, now I am thinking it's too much... I submit better from *** than denial... after a while a accept denial and im just not urged on anymore”. So it wasn’t that he was bored necessarily. I just didn’t know what he was truly lacking. So I guess we’ll see how this goes. Thanks everyone for the suggestions. That's awesome that you two were able to talk and figure out what he felt was not working. I think it's great that you both have a clearer vision of each other's needs and wants and I wish you the best on implementing them! I'd just like to put my two cents in to say that I would second @TemptressM suggestion about taking a short break. Even though, maybe especially because, you have a new game plan, a short couple days to a week break to just reset might be helpful so that old feelings and frustrations from before don't carry into the new routine going forward. Particularly since it sounds like it's probably been draining on both of you to try to figure out what was going on so a chance to recharge. Good luck with whatever you decide! Jinx
TemptressM Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 You need to have the information to work from, I don't know how long you have been doing the FLR for, is this all new to the two of you ? If it is a good way to find out the things he likes is to ask him to write a list of his 3 L's, that's Loves, the things that really get him going, Likes thing he doesn't need but enjoys or maybe would like to try and then his Limits of course. I do still think it would be a good idea to take a little break and take that time to work out where you go from here.
ey**** Posted June 20, 2020 Posted June 20, 2020 I think it's good to welcome input - but it feels like he's calling a lot of the shots to focus on reducing tasks that helped you and increasing play. Which shifts a lot of the work onto you. Which isn't fair, nor submission. I think there's a lot of emotional labour being placed on you.
Deleted Member Posted June 20, 2020 Author Posted June 20, 2020 I think one of the main problems is, is we have a FLR whether we’re fully versed in BDSM or not. It’s our regular dynamic of our relationship. So even if we “take a break” we’re not really “taking a break”
subjoe101 Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 It's great that you were able to talk with him and understand his issues. One thing to note is that submissive men are never satisfied. They always want more domination, more strictness, more kinkiness, etc. As others have said it is not your job to do everything he wants. You are the one in control and he needs to satisfy you. He needs to learn to appreciate what you are doing for him and to really savor what he has now and stop thinking about what else he wants. This is pretty common among submissive men and unfortunately they will never be happy until they learn to stop wanting and start appreciating what they have. Sometimes guys need a little reminder that they should be focused on pleasing the woman//wife and not focused on what they want.
Deleted Member Posted June 28, 2020 Author Posted June 28, 2020 (edited) First off it's great that OP has been able to get closer to the root of the issue, I'm very new to this so I don't have anything useful to suggest, but I hope things work out for you both. @subjoe101 I do have some concerns about your statement that a sub should not be focused on their own wants; again, I'm new to all this, but that doesn't sound like it would lead to a particularly healthy relationship. Subs are people with their own desires and D/s feels like it should (in the best relationships) be a meeting of equals, no matter the kink dynamics. So with that in mind I'd think that neither person's desires should overrule the other or it'll eventually rot and fall apart? Edited June 28, 2020 by Deleted Member
subjoe101 Posted June 28, 2020 Posted June 28, 2020 In a wife led marriage the rules are different. Husband and wife are not equals so the wife's desires comes first. I am not saying that the submissive's feelings and desires are not important but they are not the top priority. Many WLMs fail because the sub selfishly pushes the wife to dominate them more without consideration for what the wife desires. My wife wants to be pampered, not spending her time spanking and punishing me every day. For my WLM to work I had to change my perspective to serve her in way that she enjoys. Once I understood that, my submission became much more fulfilling.
Deleted Member Posted July 9, 2020 Author Posted July 9, 2020 @subjoe101 Thank you for taking the time to write that, I really do appreciate it, and I definitely still have a lot to learn.
Jinxy Posted July 9, 2020 Posted July 9, 2020 On 6/28/2020 at 2:50 PM, subjoe101 said: In a wife led the rules are different. Husband and wife are not equals so the wife's desires comes first. I am not saying that the submissive's feelings and desires are not important but they are not the top priority. Many WLMs fail because the sub selfishly pushes the wife to dominate them more without consideration for what the wife desires. My wife wants to be pampered, not spending her time spanking and punishing me every day. For my WLM to work I had to change my perspective to serve her in way that she enjoys. Once I understood that, my submission became much more fulfilling. This is well said. I’ve come across several subs who ask the question, “how can I serve you?” but as the conversation goes deeper, they try to steer it to where they want it to go... generally their sexual gratification. That’s not submitting. And it comes dangerously close to topping from the bottom. Having the perspective change can help redirect expectations back to “a sub’s pleasure is on a Dom/me’s terms.” Of course this idea might not be relevant for issues of the sub or Dom/me not getting their needs met on a fundamental level, which is a different issue. Determining which vein it comes from can be important in deciding how to proceed.
ey**** Posted July 10, 2020 Posted July 10, 2020 9 hours ago, Jinxy said: “how can I serve you?” but as the conversation goes deeper, they try to steer it to where they want it to go... generally their sexual gratification. yep - this is something many sub guys need to learn. I mean it's ok and understandable to want sexual gratification, just don't put it in a trojan horse and call it submission. I often get messages elsewhere via my film studio - and there's a perfect example right now - "I'd love to serve some time", "Sure, you can serve any time.... some clips, promote the store, support the ladies, so on", "Oh, I was hoping to do x, y, z", "OK, well that's not serving, is it?"
BiSlaveBoySub Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 Maybe you need to dish out more punishment to teach him to be a better sub....boredom is a sign of disrespect! That is the code I expect to live by....if I displease my Domme I deserve to be punished to make me a better slave!
ey**** Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 38 minutes ago, BiSlaveBoySub said: Maybe you need to dish out more punishment to teach him to be a better sub....boredom is a sign of disrespect! That is the code I expect to live by....if I displease my Domme I deserve to be punished to make me a better slave! Punishment is work. It's also not punishment if it's what the sub is angling for. Often the best punishment is to withdraw play.
BiSlaveBoySub Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 OK. Is "correction" a better choice of word? The objective is to empower my Domme to make me better at serving her!
ey**** Posted July 16, 2020 Posted July 16, 2020 1 hour ago, BiSlaveBoySub said: OK. Is "correction" a better choice of word? The objective is to empower my Domme to make me better at serving her! So. And this is important. Punishment, correction, training, so forth can all be part of a dynamic and that can be great. But it takes time, energy and motivation to do this. So if a sub is bored, restless so on - as soon as the Dominant gives them any attention it is putting the labour onto the Dominant to, well, 'perform' for the sub. Which also distracts her from anything else she would rather be doing. A lot within D/s is infantile at times. There's nothing wrong with that as part of a healthy and consensual network. But, as subs we are also grown adults. So, if as sub we are bored there are many things we can do - we're adults - it's not our Dominants responsibility to help with our boredom by giving up their time to punish or correct. Any time spent on us is still time so often has little long term benefit if we cannot proactively keep ourselves occupied. The OP has since deleted their profile - but they're a couple in a FLR - if the sub spends time when he is bored doing things like housework, then the Dominant would have more time and energy to give to his fetishes.
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