Just a story but a real one

[Deleted Member]

A year ago, to the very day I received my  very first message from a lass, I had only been on the site a week or so so was still finding my way around. We got talking and clicked, really clicked i cant emphasize this enough. even online it just flowed and as it does over the course of time it came to exchanging numbers, chatting verbally and getting to know each other. This eventually led to a meet but an unusual one and something that may be frowned upon, a hotel room. Risky yes and in later discussion admission from both of how foolhardy this was, not so much for me more for her. It's just the way it developed, it really felt right. We talked limits etc and we met. It was and still is the best experience of my life, I already had consent but I wanted it eye to eye so as soon a she was in the room that's what I sought and was granted, ten seconds after meeting her for the first time I was on her.

 

After, we laid on the bed both  naked on our bellies side by side, close, tactile and we talked. We talked everything, kink, life, you know how it is and again we clicked. I can't express this enough, it was just right and all thoughts of kink were banished for hours. As we talked she made it absolutely clear on her 38th birthday she was changing her life, going vanilla as she was tired of kink, had grown ashamed of what she was, the urges to go further and further caused her shame and as time had gone on that shame was getting stronger. Again this is very watered down as it would take me forever to type and it's her business why she wanted to try something new. "Live a normal life" as she said and I did understand.Now you must understand I'd finally after many years of anguish just really taken practical steps to enter this world and she was talking of moving in an opposite direction. Ships in the night as it were, She never lied or misled me once, it was made absolutely clear where she was going and what was going to happen. We had both travelled some distance to meet and as arranged if we  both felt comfortable we would spend the night together so that's what we did. The connection we forged was unlike anything I had ever felt and it rocked me a little, it was not something i had been expecting, that intensity. I now know more about why i felt like this but at the time didnt understand. It really threw me off balance.She from the beginning tried to keep me at arms length, in an emotional sense and to some extent at the beginning it worked but remember i wasn't listening to her warnings properly, i was nodding my head, agreeing "No problem" but no I wasn't REALLY listening. We parted the next morning with an agreement to meet again and gormless grins stuck to our faces.

 

A couple of weeks later she drove almost 5 hours to my place. What a night, but again it was far from just kink, sex, bdsm. We were and really did connect. The chat was just so free, fun, open, honest. It was unlike anything i had ever experienced and this was where I started to make a huge mistake. I misread this new intense way of connecting for something it was not but again a year down the line i get it, such a shame i didn't get it then.

 

This was when I decided I could change her mind, explore together, a perfect fit, i think you all probably know already sadly for me I was wrong but thats was my dastardly plan, change a decision she had made some time ago and one she would not break. Her course was set and believe me this was a woman of strength, a submissive yes but the way all submissives should be one with a steely inner core. She was not a woman who is swayed easily, stubborn would be fair yet I could see her weakening, she admitted at a later date her resolve was being tested and doubt was creeping in yet she kept warning me to keep my emotions in check.. I'm laid on the sofa we laid on that very night right now as I type and I don't know why as I miss her every day but today it's worse, today I need to get it out, today I need to tell this story.

 

We over the course of three months met 6 or 7 times and it got better and better until the day her Birthday approached. The day she had marked and as things do it got very complicated. We both were drawn to each other, it was far from easy for her either, I know this now but didn't really see it at the time as I wanted her so much I failed to see to my eternal shame her turmoil and ***. Her resolve merely a mask to try and make it easier for me. At the time I mistook her sweet thoughtfulness for coldness, a lack of emotion and I reacted badly to it a couple of times, words  were said that I bitterly regret, my emotions yet again getting the better of me. Yet she was still there, my friend, she never walked away. I sought advice on here about her shame to try and help her reconcile how she felt. I tried everything when in fact i should have been helping her, readying her for her new life;being a man. Understanding and being the man she needed but i wasn't,  I was a selfish prick. We talked so so much and it was not easy for either of us but her mind was set and the day finally arrived;Her birthday.

 

As we got on so well we decided to be platonic friends but I knew deep down it would not work, I just refused to accept the truth of that at the time so platonic friends it was and try I did, for 2 months we talked on the phone as platonic vanilla friends but it was complete *** and slowly it began to poison me. Change the man I am and I had no doubts it was poisoning her.  I knew what I had to do and it's one of the hardest things I've endured in an emotional sense, to purposely push away something you want so much. I had purposely been only vanilla but for one final time I changed the tone I addressed her and gave her one final instruction. " To walk away and never look back" there was a massively deep connection and I think I fell in love with her, I really do and how I feel right now pretty much confirms it. I wanted to be her friend, i so did but I just couldn't, it was tearing me apart, I was lacking and I let her down. She then was given instructions to block me on every form of media there is. Yes there were tears, lots, harsh words from both sides, affection but we both knew deep down it was for the best. She followed my Instructions to the letter, this was last November. Again I bitterly regret this as now, the man I am today even though I may be feeling a touch sad about it all, the man I am now could be the friend she needed but it's too late. 

 

Why do I choose to tell you this?

 

A few reasons really, therapy in a way. The main two though are key. I'm a great believer in balance, dark and light, tall and small etc and from what I see a site like this needs a little balance from time to time. An emotional viewpoint, something I feel is neglected emotion. Mental health is an issue in society in general and a big issue in kink. If we and especially men could be more open about how we feel it really would help but we choose to suck it up for *** of seeming less;especially Doms. I struggled with this when I first arrived, how could I be Dom and emotional at the same time? I wasn't sure it would work but it does. Some kind words and a little patience proved that to be true. We men feel, we do, some like me choose to show it, many do not but I can assure you all, it's still there, just not on a sleeve as my heart is right now. It's not weak to feel, to be blue, to seek help if it all becomes too much but most of all talk. 

This is a really soft version of what happened, it was so much more complex than a few paragraphs can really explain. I made huge mistakes, my first one not listening properly and as we all know communication is key.  Even though as I say today I'm feeling a little blue I'm almost there. Nearly done with it but I will take the lessons it has taught me but yeah, today I miss her much.

[Ar****]

I, as I know many others will, really appreciate you sharing this story. I hope that you feel better for it. Moving stuff indeed - much respect to you.

[Jinxy]

It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up like that. Thank you for sharing! Hopefully just being able to write and get it out was helpful in easing some of the hurt you’re feeling today. I know it can sometimes help me. Sending good vibes your way. Hope you’re doing okay!

 

Jinx

 

P.S. I’ve often thought about starting a forum about emotions and Dom/mes because I do agree with you. Many think it’s a weakness to share them, especially with their sub. That it would take away their authority. I’ll see if I get around to making one. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Jinxy said:

 

 

P.S. I’ve often thought about starting a forum about emotions and Dom/mes because I do agree with you. Many think it’s a weakness to share them, especially with their sub. That it would take away their authority. I’ll see if I get around to making one. 

You should, it is an issue not just here but vanilla. Same old story though really in a similar way that kink us ***d to hide away. Pure ignorance and the way society has conditioned us to think, kink is *** and emotions in men are weak. 

[Ta****]

That was some story.  Thank you so much for sharing.  I don't know what else to say.  I hope in time you will get over the ***, and you have been so brave to share.

All the best to you.  Tammy.

[Leisa]

2 hours ago, Jinxy said:

It takes a lot of courage to open yourself up like that. Thank you for sharing! Hopefully just being able to write and get it out was helpful in easing some of the hurt you’re feeling today. I know it can sometimes help me. Sending good vibes your way. Hope you’re doing okay!

 

Jinx

 

P.S. I’ve often thought about starting a forum about emotions and Dom/mes because I do agree with you. Many think it’s a weakness to share them, especially with their sub. That it would take away their authority. I’ll see if I get around to making one. 

Dom/Mes club and a sub club have already been proposed to the powers that be. I will make sure to follow up to see where in the process the proposal currently is and what needs to happen to make them a reality. These clubs would address things specifics to each group and be a sounding board with everyone having the forum to address concerns and issues common to each set. Hopefully this can get off the ground. Each group would meet in separate rooms at the same time to minimize bleed over so that each group has a safe place to feel free to talk and share problems, solutions, and advice to each other.

[Leisa]

Thank you for sharing Donny. While we are a kink community we sometimes forget that we are men and women first. We are humans and bleed like everyone else. There comes a time when we each need to make the choice to either remain in the vanilla world or continue our journey into this lifestyle. Having dripped back into the vanilla world I can tell you that instead of sadness and regret you both would have felt bitterness at what you gave up. It was a no win situation where one or both were bound to get hurt from the beginning. The only thing we can do in these circumstances is to learn and grow. I’ve said it before but it’s worth repeating — your perfect match is out there. The one who shares your hopes and dreams for a kinky lifestyle. The one who will help you feel complete. The one you will find happiness with. It’s not an easy road nor is it meant to be; nothing worth having ever is easy. Instead learn the lessons life teaches you, grow from them, and use them in the future.

[Deleted Member]

Wow 😢

[Ar****]

3 hours ago, Jinxy said:

P.S. I’ve often thought about starting a forum about emotions and Dom/mes because I do agree with you. Many think it’s a weakness to share them, especially with their sub. That it would take away their authority. I’ll see if I get around to making one. 

Mmmm yes! It would make an excellent topic, and is such a sad shame that so many feel it undermines them in some way - rather than recognise that ownership of their emotions is often incredibly brave and strong.

[Si****]

Very well written man. You brought a tear to my eye...

[TheAlphaSub]

Thank you for sharing this. 

Wish I could give you the biggest hug

[Deleted Member]

A sad story indeed. I am not one who believes Dom/mes are weaker for sharing emotions. Not at all.

[Dreamaway]

There is nothing wrong with being human. Emotions can't be locked away and not dealt with by most people. Sex, love, kink, bdsm are part of a whole for me. I can't now have sex without at least affection being present and the kinky becomes involved as the relationship deepens, a strengthening of the bond. Intimacy is a very personal thing and we all deal with it at different levels by different means. Unfortunately this time it didn't work out for you but you're learning lessons on life's great journey. Keep travelling....

[Jinxy]

3 hours ago, Leisa said:

Dom/Mes club and a sub club have already been proposed to the powers that be. I will make sure to follow up to see where in the process the proposal currently is and what needs to happen to make them a reality. These clubs would address things specifics to each group and be a sounding board with everyone having the forum to address concerns and issues common to each set. Hopefully this can get off the ground. Each group would meet in separate rooms at the same time to minimize bleed over so that each group has a safe place to feel free to talk and share problems, solutions, and advice to each other.

That sounds awesome. A supportive group would be helpful, especially if there’s more specific questions than might be discussed in the forum. I should wait on posting that topic then? 
 

Also, would switches just pick which group they want to join that day? 

[JG****]

❤️

[slavewife]

Thank you for this ,can feel the emotion thank you x

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, SirPhileasFlogg said:

Very well written man. You brought a tear to my eye...

Thank you for saying that, it helps to know I'm not the only one with a soft inner core.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Leisa said:

Thank you for sharing Donny. While we are a kink community we sometimes forget that we are men and women first. We are humans and bleed like everyone else. There comes a time when we each need to make the choice to either remain in the vanilla world or continue our journey into this lifestyle. Having dripped back into the vanilla world I can tell you that instead of sadness and regret you both would have felt bitterness at what you gave up. It was a no win situation where one or both were bound to get hurt from the beginning. The only thing we can do in these circumstances is to learn and grow. I’ve said it before but it’s worth repeating — your perfect match is out there. The one who shares your hopes and dreams for a kinky lifestyle. The one who will help you feel complete. The one you will find happiness with. It’s not an easy road nor is it meant to be; nothing worth having ever is easy. Instead learn the lessons life teaches you, grow from them, and use them in the future.

You always know exactly what to say @Leisa. Both you and @Thebian bring so much to the site and I thank you for your kind words 😊. They help more than I think you will ever realise.

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, TheAlphaSub said:

Thank you for sharing this. 

Wish I could give you the biggest hug

You are a sweet lady and I'm thankful to have you as a friend x

[Leisa]

11 hours ago, Jinxy said:

That sounds awesome. A supportive group would be helpful, especially if there’s more specific questions than might be discussed in the forum. I should wait on posting that topic then? 
 

Also, would switches just pick which group they want to join that day? 

I don’t think a post getting opinions would be a bad thing to help show genuine interest. Thebian and I proposed this about a week ago and i was told it was a great idea but had to go up through the chain above her. I will catch Anna on Tuesday via PMs to find out where in the process this is. Barring that I also already have an appointment on Thursday morning where I will bring it up again if I cannot catch her before again. Having some interest to take with me would help. Thank you for brining up a topic which we both felt would be a great idea. We were hoping to keep the two groups separated to give each the forum to speak openly and honestly without the other group present to give privacy so each could express them selves honestly with switches being able to choose a room.

[MaddieShires]

Wow. Meeting new subs must be very difficult moreso as you clearly both had feelings. Separation is similar to grief when a loved one passes away, from what you have described you are grieving her and only time will allow you to heal. Donnykinkster take each day as it comes. If your sub is still active but vanilla she can see your posts and perhaps she may send you a 😪. X

[Th****]

That was an incredibly touching post Donny and I could definitely relate to the contradictory emotions and *** you felt. This reminded me of one of the few relationships I had to walk away from.

It certainly is not just you, I think those deep connections of extreme intimacy mean a Dominants heart gets just as broken. I always think though that the fact we feel that *** is a reaffirmation of our very humanity.
Thanks again my friend 😊

[CitizenCane]

Incredible. Well done for taking the bull by the horns and letting your anguish out. I really admire you for it

[mu****]

😭❤️ this is such a beautiful write!!

It’s never too late!! If you think you should apologise to her now you should but if you think it’s too much to deal with it’s ok not to either.

I really appreciate and agree with the emotions and Dom part, I would always prefer and am grateful that mine expresses himself, far better than I do I feel. Which in turn I think allows him to respect me being strong minded. What you feel isn’t just as a Dom but what most men are taught to feel as men, and it is very sad. I remember asking a Male friend about his feelings cause I thought he looked like nothing bothered him and he told me things bother him a lot and just cause he does cry or show it he is often misunderstood.

I can also understand what she might feel. At times you want more and more from a relationship or sex or kink and you feel like you might be hurting yourself. I often worry I will want more than I can handle and get hurt in the process but I try to bring this awareness consciously and subconsciously so I don’t make reckless mistakes.

You/we are all capable of more than we can imagine, in anything, including different forms of love but we must 1st believe it and want to do it. Remember by moving on you do not love her any less, no one can replace her, but love yourself again and allow yourself to be loved. At times people look perfect to us but they really aren’t really meant for us and clinging to the past we forget to see all the beauty around us. You can feel joy and *** at the same time, allow yourself to feel joy to. It took me 3 yrs to get over my ex, I couldn’t till I took the decision too live my love again.

Hope this helps and you understand. Always remember feelings aren’t wrong, we just need to understand them better

[PaganDawn]

I dip in every so often, to take a look at your posts. Always so moving, always so real and alive. I in truth did not want to read this one, I could feel the heart ache as I did. 
I fell deep, along my path, before we had even met. The words were right, our minds matched, we text, we chatted, and more. I had picked him because he was safe. He could not commit and after failing so badly at being Vanilla I wanted a rest from love and the whirlpool it swims in, just for a while. Travel the path I thought, enjoy the view, keep my emotions in check, easy. 
But this world is so vibrant and colorful. Rules of vanilla do not apply here, here they change and twist and mould to your desire, wants and needs. Here there is form and structure to emotions. They take shape before you, inside you, around you. I wrestled with the decision on whether to tell, to pour out my heart and face the consequences, or just pull away. 
I poured my soul out in a poem. The words etched on my soul forever.
We make the best choices we can during emotional turmoil far more intense and complex than the simplicity of love. We dance with these emotions, play with them, revel in them and then try and quiet them when we don't need them. But they seep out, they are there, under the surface, with the kink, waiting, longing, yearning. 

I feel for you, as I feel for me, on these days of remembering and reminiscing, when the beast beneath the surface is  clawing to come out and play. 
But the path is long, it is winding, the journey will continue and us along with it. So shoes on, head up and onward to the next way-sign xx

Edited June 27, 2020 by Pepper88888
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