Deleted Member Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 51 minutes ago, Metalmonkey said: How very honest. Always metal, I've told my share of lies and won't be making the same mistakes again. She was the one and I will never forget her but sadly the timing was all wrong.
Deleted Member Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Donnykinkster said: Always metal, I've told my share of lies and won't be making the same mistakes again. She was the one and I will never forget her but sadly the timing was all wrong. I must say to clarify at the time I thought she was the one bit what we think at the time and what actually turns out to be true can be very different Edited August 6, 2020 by Deleted Member Spelling
Me**** Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 I always say “The truth is more amazing than any lie” I’m clinically incapable of lies. Gets me into trouble in the moment but I never have to look over my shoulder, waiting to be caught out.
Deleted Member Posted August 6, 2020 Author Posted August 6, 2020 13 minutes ago, Metalmonkey said: I always say “The truth is more amazing than any lie” I’m clinically incapable of lies. Gets me into trouble in the moment but I never have to look over my shoulder, waiting to be caught out. What I have found is that with the truth comes some level of diplomacy, social filters have never been a strong point of mine 😊
Me**** Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 I have no social filters. I have to tell you how it is. You can imagine how many fights ASD got me into in my earlier life. With age I’m learning to bite my lip.
Me**** Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 38 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said: What I have found is that with the truth comes some level of diplomacy, social filters have never been a strong point of mine 😊 Trufax
Me**** Posted August 6, 2020 Posted August 6, 2020 Tbf Donny, most of the people in this place appear very “on the spectrum” to me! A lot of honesty to be found (once you get past the bots and perves!
Deleted Member Posted January 27, 2021 Author Posted January 27, 2021 On 6/27/2020 at 1:34 AM, Primal*** said: A year ago, to the very day I received my very first message from a lass, I had only been on the site a week or so so was still finding my way around. We got talking and clicked, really clicked i cant emphasize this enough. even online it just flowed and as it does over the course of time it came to exchanging numbers, chatting verbally and getting to know each other. This eventually led to a meet but an unusual one and something that may be frowned upon, a hotel room. Risky yes and in later discussion admission from both of how foolhardy this was, not so much for me more for her. It's just the way it developed, it really felt right. We talked limits etc and we met. It was and still is the best experience of my life, I already had consent but I wanted it eye to eye so as soon a she was in the room that's what I sought and was granted, ten seconds after meeting her for the first time I was on her. After, we laid on the bed both naked on our bellies side by side, close, tactile and we talked. We talked everything, kink, life, you know how it is and again we clicked. I can't express this enough, it was just right and all thoughts of kink were banished for hours. As we talked she made it absolutely clear on her 38th birthday she was changing her life, going vanilla as she was tired of kink, had grown ashamed of what she was, the urges to go further and further caused her shame and as time had gone on that shame was getting stronger. Again this is very watered down as it would take me forever to type and it's her business why she wanted to try something new. "Live a normal life" as she said and I did understand.Now you must understand I'd finally after many years of anguish just really taken practical steps to enter this world and she was talking of moving in an opposite direction. Ships in the night as it were, She never lied or misled me once, it was made absolutely clear where she was going and what was going to happen. We had both travelled some distance to meet and as arranged if we both felt comfortable we would spend the night together so that's what we did. The connection we forged was unlike anything I had ever felt and it rocked me a little, it was not something i had been expecting, that intensity. I now know more about why i felt like this but at the time didnt understand. It really threw me off balance.She from the beginning tried to keep me at arms length, in an emotional sense and to some extent at the beginning it worked but remember i wasn't listening to her warnings properly, i was nodding my head, agreeing "No problem" but no I wasn't REALLY listening. We parted the next morning with an agreement to meet again and gormless grins stuck to our faces. A couple of weeks later she drove almost 5 hours to my place. What a night, but again it was far from just kink, sex, bdsm. We were and really did connect. The chat was just so free, fun, open, honest. It was unlike anything i had ever experienced and this was where I started to make a huge mistake. I misread this new intense way of connecting for something it was not but again a year down the line i get it, such a shame i didn't get it then. This was when I decided I could change her mind, explore together, a perfect fit, i think you all probably know already sadly for me I was wrong but thats was my dastardly plan, change a decision she had made some time ago and one she would not break. Her course was set and believe me this was a woman of strength, a submissive yes but the way all submissives should be one with a steely inner core. She was not a woman who is swayed easily, stubborn would be fair yet I could see her weakening, she admitted at a later date her resolve was being tested and doubt was creeping in yet she kept warning me to keep my emotions in check.. I'm laid on the sofa we laid on that very night right now as I type and I don't know why as I miss her every day but today it's worse, today I need to get it out, today I need to tell this story. We over the course of three months met 6 or 7 times and it got better and better until the day her Birthday approached. The day she had marked and as things do it got very complicated. We both were drawn to each other, it was far from easy for her either, I know this now but didn't really see it at the time as I wanted her so much I failed to see to my eternal shame her turmoil and ***. Her resolve merely a mask to try and make it easier for me. At the time I mistook her sweet thoughtfulness for coldness, a lack of emotion and I reacted badly to it a couple of times, words were said that I bitterly regret, my emotions yet again getting the better of me. Yet she was still there, my friend, she never walked away. I sought advice on here about her shame to try and help her reconcile how she felt. I tried everything when in fact i should have been helping her, readying her for her new life;being a man. Understanding and being the man she needed but i wasn't, I was a selfish prick. We talked so so much and it was not easy for either of us but her mind was set and the day finally arrived;Her birthday. As we got on so well we decided to be platonic friends but I knew deep down it would not work, I just refused to accept the truth of that at the time so platonic friends it was and try I did, for 2 months we talked on the phone as platonic vanilla friends but it was complete *** and slowly it began to poison me. Change the man I am and I had no doubts it was poisoning her. I knew what I had to do and it's one of the hardest things I've endured in an emotional sense, to purposely push away something you want so much. I had purposely been only vanilla but for one final time I changed the tone I addressed her and gave her one final instruction. " To walk away and never look back" there was a massively deep connection and I think I fell in love with her, I really do and how I feel right now pretty much confirms it. I wanted to be her friend, i so did but I just couldn't, it was tearing me apart, I was lacking and I let her down. She then was given instructions to block me on every form of media there is. Yes there were tears, lots, harsh words from both sides, affection but we both knew deep down it was for the best. She followed my Instructions to the letter, this was last November. Again I bitterly regret this as now, the man I am today even though I may be feeling a touch sad about it all, the man I am now could be the friend she needed but it's too late. Why do I choose to tell you this? A few reasons really, therapy in a way. The main two though are key. I'm a great believer in balance, dark and light, tall and small etc and from what I see a site like this needs a little balance from time to time. An emotional viewpoint, something I feel is neglected emotion. Mental health is an issue in society in general and a big issue in kink. If we and especially men could be more open about how we feel it really would help but we choose to suck it up for *** of seeming less;especially Doms. I struggled with this when I first arrived, how could I be Dom and emotional at the same time? I wasn't sure it would work but it does. Some kind words and a little patience proved that to be true. We men feel, we do, some like me choose to show it, many do not but I can assure you all, it's still there, just not on a sleeve as my heart is right now. It's not weak to feel, to be blue, to seek help if it all becomes too much but most of all talk. This is a really soft version of what happened, it was so much more complex than a few paragraphs can really explain. I made huge mistakes, my first one not listening properly and as we all know communication is key. Even though as I say today I'm feeling a little blue I'm almost there. Nearly done with it but I will take the lessons it has taught me but yeah, today I miss her much. You are a man if dualism. Light and dark. It seems that you had your light with her and then follows your period of darkness. Perfect duality. Now I would say...as you have changed...try to find this girl again and be everything she needs. Life is too short to let love pass you by without grabbing it with both hands tightly. And true love is rare to not fight for it. It may not work but you will never know until you try.
Deleted Member Posted January 27, 2021 Author Posted January 27, 2021 25 minutes ago, DaddyDomBDSM said: You are a man if dualism. Light and dark. It seems that you had your light with her and then follows your period of darkness. Perfect duality. Now I would say...as you have changed...try to find this girl again and be everything she needs. Life is too short to let love pass you by without grabbing it with both hands tightly. And true love is rare to not fight for it. It may not work but you will never know until you try. Sadly that is no longer an option, and would require me to move back into a vanilla setting which I just can't. I spent 30 years vanilla, confused and lost. It's only the last 2 years since I finally found the truth of who i am that I've truly found inner peace and acceptance. Now if she were willing to come back into this community I would welcome her with open arms but she's not. Another thing is I have no way to contact her which was my final act, if closing a door, close it fully and my spite with instruction saw to that.
Deleted Member Posted January 27, 2021 Author Posted January 27, 2021 40 minutes ago, Primal*** said: Sadly that is no longer an option, and would require me to move back into a vanilla setting which I just can't. I spent 30 years vanilla, confused and lost. It's only the last 2 years since I finally found the truth of who i am that I've truly found inner peace and acceptance. Now if she were willing to come back into this community I would welcome her with open arms but she's not. Another thing is I have no way to contact her which was my final act, if closing a door, close it fully and my spite with instruction saw to that. You know yourself best and know what is best for you. Big respect to you. If you font mind I will like to contact you again in the future. I think I could learn a lot from you just by reading some of your posts.
Deleted Member Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 Honesty is so often talked about as a foundation stone of a D/s relationship and emotional honesty is just as important as any other. I wear my heart on my sleeve, too. It leaves us open and ***, but I would have my heart bruised every week (not far from the truth on here) than change who I am. That would hurt far more in the long run. I understand the need to sever all contact. It’s something I have done in the past to try to protect myself (and them) from the madness of something ending. It is right at the time, even if it becomes something we regret later.
Deleted Member Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 On 8/6/2020 at 4:07 PM, METALSIR said: Tbf Donny, most of the people in this place appear very “on the spectrum” to me! A lot of honesty to be found (once you get past the bots and perves! Not just ASD, either. I am developing a theory about submission, kink and ADHD that I shall no doubt share at length at some point.
Deleted Member Posted January 31, 2021 Author Posted January 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Lockfairy said: Honesty is so often talked about as a foundation stone of a D/s relationship and emotional honesty is just as important as any other. I wear my heart on my sleeve, too. It leaves us open and ***, but I would have my heart bruised every week (not far from the truth on here) than change who I am. That would hurt far more in the long run. I understand the need to sever all contact. It’s something I have done in the past to try to protect myself (and them) from the madness of something ending. It is right at the time, even if it becomes something we regret later. You understand perfectly Lock 😊. It was the intensity that caught me completely off guard, even now it still bothers me, but I have taken the lesson. A lot more guarded now about who i open upto, as I agree totally with you, we can't change who we are, but we can take action to protect ourselves. Thank you for your words, it always helps to know there are others who understand.
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