Is there such a thing as a shame fetish?

July 12, 2020

Is there such a thing as a shame fetish?

I’m fluid and grew up in a homophobic home among Mormons in the south so I grew up convinced I should kill myself (but too chicken) before anyone found out I was queer and came to believe that masturbation would corrupt my mortal soul. I wasn’t remotely sane until intense psychotherapy with a gay shame psychiatrist with a dozen closeted married men for clients (and me) at 23.

During late adolescence I grew out of the mental cage created by my environment but had become turned on by the expression of shame during masturbation. Dirty talk shaming my partner for enjoying sex occurred during every fantasy. I also became very turned on by anal sex, because it is naughty or shameful... but then so did all my straight friends. I never said dirty things out loud because I was ashamed to do so but as I started having sex at 23 I didn’t really think about it but I could only orgasm when I focused on shaming my partner in my head. I had one girlfriend who was into anal at 25 and it was actually not the end all be all of sex I had made it out to be. That is until she talked dirty during anal sex shortly before we parted ways - that’s the hardest I have ever come and I remember it like it was yesterday. It turned out that 90% of the appeal of anal was the shame of it which could be simulated through dirty talk and actually doing it wasn’t a big deal.

I got married at 27 and told her I needed to talk dirty after several years - but she’d been ***ed before I met her and it left a mark so talking dirty didn’t work out and our sex life suffered for it and that made me very ashamed - not in a good way - so after my divorce 7 years later I never mentioned my needs to my next girlfriend of three years. She made fun of me when I talked a little dirty and I didn’t trust her after that. Instead I just orgasmed at a ratio of about 1:10 me:her. On the positive side I could go a long time. I take a medication for chronic *** that has this effect, and it wasn’t all bad.

My last girlfriend was really open and accepting and fine with dirty talk and anal play and I could actually orgasm reliably for the first time in many years from the things we would say. The freedom to call her dirty, filthy, a little slut, etc. was amazing (no, I don’t believe in words like slut, they just make me come). I have never felt more sexually satisfied or personally accepted in my life. When first she talked dirty... that she was feeling dirty, filthy, was my little slut, I literally started screaming in pleasure without being touched and had never felt so free sexually. Or so turned on. I really let go for the first time outside my head. I also discovered that I’m not a chauvinist about shame - she could tell me I should be ashamed of what I was doing to her, that I was filthy or dirty - same response, rapidly increasing arousal. She could control my orgasm by saying the right things, which she liked. Eventually we broke up. To her the dirty talk wasn’t a big deal, though it was ammo upon the breakup. Not much was off the table for her.

Now after a while off from dating I’ve accepted this shame kink about myself and have decided to share this with my future partners early in our developing relationship to discover if we’re compatible. As my gay shame pshrink said, sexuality should be a celebration of two people’s sexuality and acceptance is a prerequisite. So I need a partner I can talk dirty to or that will talk dirty to me and express shameful disapproval. It’s required to meet my needs.

So my questions are: is this a fetish? I can come without dirty talk but the last time I did took two hours of continuous doggie style intercourse (I’d slow down to rest). How hard will it be to find a woman (I started losing interest in men after I got married) that will let me talk dirty about shame or will say those things to me? Is this a big deal? To some women it has been a huge problem then the last one didn’t think it was a big deal at all but threw it back at me later. So I don’t know. I’m a good boyfriend and a kind and giving person and a generous lover. I get the most pleasure giving pleasure. I just need to feel shame is in the air to get totally turned on.

I’ve been so ashamed all my life I have no sense of the answers to these questions. Living on the west coast these days the level of shame I’ve had to deal with such that it burnt itself into the wiring of my brain is really embarrassing because being queer is really no big deal for new generations here compared to the 80s in the south. Or now in the south. I date women since my divorce as I lost interest in men, and I don’t know what is commonly acceptable with women.

How do I share this with someone? What is this called? How many will accept this outside the BDSM community? Because I am not at all into ritual, which seems to be what the community is based around.

Thanks,

Cthulu Ftagn!

Edited July 12, 2020 by Cthulurotica

July 12, 2020

IMO, whenever you're with someone, that person should accept you wholly for who you are and what you enjoy. My ex liked it when I made fun of his father, and also he liked to call me things such as slut and a few others, tldr is that he got off on it, so I would allow it. I'd say its a thing if not an actual fetish. A lot of the time, you can't find someone who is 100% compatible with your needs, so compromises sometimes must be made, as you had mentioned. Tell them that you're into certain things before actually getting intimate, that way they can prepare for it if need be. And just as a little motivation, do things for yourself, not others. Because at the end of the day, you like what you like. And if someone doesn't like that, they're not meant to be with or around you.

July 12, 2020

I’ve been with a partner who really performed much better when we both talked dirty. I always make sure they’re 100% aware that what is said during sex is only said during sex I am definitely not ok with it at any other time.
I do believe there are possibly lots of people who will enjoy dirty talk in the same way so yes I would most definitely bring it up early on to save you wasting your time and they’res.
To me dirty talk is something I learnt pre BDSM and no rituals needed. Be brave. Aim higher! Good luck.

July 12, 2020

Language during intimacy is interesting, I once had a girlfriend who would speak French to me if I was flagging a little. Litterally whisper it in my ear as it were. It always did the trick, increasing my pace and depth so it was more to her liking. Was not even dirty French either!

July 12, 2020

10 hours ago, oldfellow said:

Language during intimacy is interesting, I once had a girlfriend who would speak French to me if I was flagging a little. Litterally whisper it in my ear as it were. It always did the trick, increasing my pace and depth so it was more to her liking. Was not even dirty French either!

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Yeah, the girlfriend I mention the dirty talk with above was French. Her accent did things to me. Very good things.

July 27, 2020

I believe it's even more intimate when dirty talk is involved and shows more trust. I've been called slut, whore, bitch, etc. during dirty talk and it increased the excitement. I don't want it or need it all the time but, like you, if I did I'd let them know ahead of time! If they want to take the relationship farther they will accept it.

August 3, 2020

i beleive im on the receiving side of this fetish

October 5, 2020

I'm pretty new to this, but I know that I enjoy being possessed and claimed as Master's slut, whore, etc. It is extremely erotic for me. Developing the trust to know that the relationship isn't just about being used is the hard part. I want to be cherished and loved.