Mr**** Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 I've heard very mixed opinions on this. I myself have found both pro's and cons. Just interested to hear what everyone has to say.
ey**** Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 It depends on what type of relationship you (both) want - or - what sort of relationship develops There are married couples who are/were Dominant/submissive - either starting the dating first and then adding kink or vice versa. It's just obviously important that maintaining roles is very difficult in this kind of arrangement (I know some manage - but a lot don't) and that there's some where the D/s side of things has lost structure - and they still have a happy relationship. It's just not what they expected.
Mr**** Posted July 28, 2020 Author Posted July 28, 2020 17 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said: It depends on what type of relationship you (both) want - or - what sort of relationship develops There are married couples who are/were Dominant/submissive - either starting the dating first and then adding kink or vice versa. It's just obviously important that maintaining roles is very difficult in this kind of arrangement (I know some manage - but a lot don't) and that there's some where the D/s side of things has lost structure - and they still have a happy relationship. It's just not what they expected. I've found much the same regarding structure. I've also found that the emotional side of a (let's call it a) dstining relationship often can combat or confuse d/s dynamic and more kink related activities especially regarding s&m. On the other hand it can be very very beautiful to have that love and trust, being able to share these excitement filled expiriences and it helps partners open to each other and release lots of pent up feelings that otherwise can get caught up.
Koby Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Personally, my relationships are holistic - marrying the vanilla and kink together. The idea for me is that there shouldn't be any friction between the two. This is achieved by creating boundaries and firm foundations e.g. friends before lovers. Boundaries in the relationship, is not just about vanilla and kink, but it is also about the individuals within the relationship. BDSM needs context and there is a need to encourage individuality within a relationship e.g. do your thing and I will do mine. I maintain always, we are humans and lovers first, D/s a close second. It is also possible that D/s is purely physical or sexual, but the same boundaries remain.
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 For me a relationship is what I seek, not a dynamic as such, I want more and with it a deep emotional connection. It could be with a submissive or a Domme and the actual protocols of who we are would then be abandoned to a certain degree. With mutual agreement and happiness we could be whatever we choose, equals sometimes D/s others, for me nothing is off the table and all is possible, if that's what we both want 😊
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 I agree with Koby and Donny. It’s what I have been seeking. If for argument’s sake, you never “date” and do d/s with the same person then that means everyone who is kinky would have to be non-monogamous and possibly poly OR you have to choose between kink and a romantic connection. Am I missing something?
Mr**** Posted July 28, 2020 Author Posted July 28, 2020 Thank you everyone. These are really wholesome answers!! Keep them coming!!!
Carnelian2 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 For me, it is difficult/impossible to distinguish. I get emotionally involved and that is it. So, keeping a strict D/s boundary versus the underlying relationship is not really something that I can maintain. This is also one of the reasons why I do not seek short-term relationships as they mess with my emotions. In may ways, I agree 100% with what @Donnykinkster also said.
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 5 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said: For me, it is difficult/impossible to distinguish. I get emotionally involved and that is it. So, keeping a strict D/s boundary versus the underlying relationship is not really something that I can maintain. Same; but as was pointed out to me a long time ago when I was confused about whom I was and what I really sought we can be literally anything we want if both seek the same. Protocols and rules can be anything the partnership chooses, there is no right or wrong, only happy
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 26 minutes ago, Curvykate said: OR you have to choose between kink and a romantic connection. That is exactly what I ha e taken a year wrestling with. No you don't have to choose anything as you can be anything. Even outside completely all the standard frameworks we all know. If your BOTH happy then surely that's the main thing
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 1 hour ago, Koby said: I maintain always, we are humans and lovers first, D/s a close second. Always, people first, kink second
Mr**** Posted July 28, 2020 Author Posted July 28, 2020 51 minutes ago, Curvykate said: I agree with Koby and Donny. It’s what I have been seeking. If for argument’s sake, you never “date” and do d/s with the same person then that means everyone who is kinky would have to be non-monogamous and possibly poly OR you have to choose between kink and a romantic connection. Am I missing something? Not missing anything as far as I see. There's no right or wrong answer, I'd just like to hear people's opinions and expiriences to broaden my own understanding. I've had a mix of both non and manogamous relations and a few sexual based nsa. but recently I've heard a few people swear by keeping their personal lives completely or as seperate as possible as it has a very different dynamic. Both trains of thought have their ground and its really down to the people involved. My strongest bit of wisdom is admitting that I'm young and learning and that their is always space to grow.
Mr**** Posted July 28, 2020 Author Posted July 28, 2020 26 minutes ago, Donnykinkster said: Same; but as was pointed out to me a long time ago when I was confused about whom I was and what I really sought we can be literally anything we want if both seek the same. Protocols and rules can be anything the partnership chooses, there is no right or wrong, only happy Beautifully put
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 I rather not. I have a dual personality disorder so I won’t be able to have the same person for a vanilla relationship and a sub at the same time. For me it need to have that clear distinction, it’s a dark world and a place where I want to escape. While some personality trait might cross between the two of me, I can keep it separate very easily. I don’t involve love into a D/s relationship as it a weakness which might have too much impact into the dynamic. It’s my perspective and so far my subs are fine with it. And tbh most were to young to be involved romantically with me. 🐺
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 20 minutes ago, FabSeverus said: I don’t involve love into a D/s relationship as it a weakness which might have too much impact into the dynamic. Completely agree and this is why i dont seek a dynamic, for those very reasons. To much vanilla going on here for that alone but you already know that 😊.
Ta**** Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Keith and I were into everything. We had no problem including the two in our , both vanilla and D/s relationship. Having said that, I was never 24/ 7 Submissive. That was a role i could switch in and out of, and the same for him. Our interactions with each other were pretty run of the mill, as you would expect in most long term relationships. Kink was very much part of that, but not all the time
ey**** Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 I'm currently writing a blog - and I've been speaking to male subs who are or were in D/s relationships with someone who was also their girlfriend/wife and it's been interesting Some were in a relationship and then added kink. Some were in a D/s relationship and then started dating. So far, everyone I spoke to - their relationship struggled to keep up the dynamic. Some would try to set aside time - but - everything like work, kids, life - was it's own thing But - if your D/s relationship is with someone who you aren't dating - who you aren't living with - then every meeting is around your dynamic.
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 (edited) I prefer dating my dom. I like having the romantic and kink connection.. I don't want one or the other... I want both. For me they come hand in hand together. I guess i just prefer sex/play with someone I have romantic feelings for. Don't get me wrong I've had fuck buddies and one night stands... But its not the same. I'm lucky to be in a relationship with someone who is on the same wave length kink wise and romantic wise. We don't have a full 24/7 D/S relationship, which we both prefer. Its early days but is going well! We just moved in together, which is very fun 😜😈 Edited July 28, 2020 by Deleted Member
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said: I'm currently writing a blog - and I've been speaking to male subs who are or were in D/s relationships with someone who was also their girlfriend/wife and it's been interesting Some were in a relationship and then added kink. Some were in a D/s relationship and then started dating. So far, everyone I spoke to - their relationship struggled to keep up the dynamic. Some would try to set aside time - but - everything like work, kids, life - was it's own thing But - if your D/s relationship is with someone who you aren't dating - who you aren't living with - then every meeting is around your dynamic. That’s an interesting perspective isn’t it? I can see why people choose to keep romance out of kink, it’s just that it leaves you with either no romance at all or non-monogamy as I said earlier. And I guess it depends how structured your dynamic is. I have never enjoyed anything close to 24/7 or highly structured and task-based submission. So I think mixing d/s with romance is achievable for me.
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 My dom and I got married ^_^ we wanted lots of kinky sex and fun but a lovely relationship as well
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 3 hours ago, Donnykinkster said: That is exactly what I ha e taken a year wrestling with. No you don't have to choose anything as you can be anything. Even outside completely all the standard frameworks we all know. If your BOTH happy then surely that's the main thing What I meant was if you won’t mix romance and d/s and don’t want to be non-monogamous. So I guess that most people who like to keep their kink and dating separate are ok with being with more than one person.
Ta**** Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 39 minutes ago, 049xkitten said: My dom and I got married ^_^ we wanted lots of kinky sex and fun but a lovely relationship as well I hope you got it. I love it when people tell me they found both. That's very special!
Deleted Member Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 Yes tammy ! It wonderful to have a relationship or a dom/sub one but go have both is so wonderful ^_^
ey**** Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 54 minutes ago, Curvykate said: That’s an interesting perspective isn’t it? I can see why people choose to keep romance out of kink, it’s just that it leaves you with either no romance at all or non-monogamy as I said earlier. And I guess it depends how structured your dynamic is. I have never enjoyed anything close to 24/7 or highly structured and task-based submission. So I think mixing d/s with romance is achievable for me. absolutely - and - I think.... like, that I think many people do mix kink with romance they just don't necessarily have the 24/7 D/s structure that those who do not have this fantasise about.
Carnelian2 Posted July 28, 2020 Posted July 28, 2020 1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said: absolutely - and - I think.... like, that I think many people do mix kink with romance they just don't necessarily have the 24/7 D/s structure that those who do not have this fantasise about. I don't know; it is a bit like saying that it is a choice to either have kink or a loving relationship unless you are emotionally able to separate or sub-divide your feelings between different relationships. For me that does not work. I would rather chase that elusive pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
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