Tips for a Good Opening Message

[ey****]

I'd started to write this on another thread and accidentally lost the draft... I then thought it make be better in it's own thread.  I'd also welcome comments and of course other people's own tips.

(1) Accept there's no perfect opening message

No matter how much time, effort, thought you put in - there's never any certainty 

(2) Context can make a difference

If the person is a complete stranger (and you are to them) it's difficult if this is someone you've seen post in the chat or forum, or had interactions with.  This can also open up more conversational points ("Hey, I liked that post you made..." etc)

(3) Quality over Quantity

You stand a chance if you are messaging people you are a better match with.  Obviously how much of a match you are depends on what you can gauge from their profile (posts. etc.)  if you just keep messaging anyone then (a) it's going to look to them like you'll just message anyone (b) your rejection rate is going to be higher and it feel like you never/rarely get anywhere

(4) But if you don't know if you're a match

I know the temptation that someone you are contacting might have a poor profile and you might not know if you match.  A first question is that if they have such a poor profile, why would you message?  But also then consider whilst you go in unknown, they might be able to very quickly decide you're not a match

(5) A good profile is a supplement, not a replacement, for a good opening message

If you send someone a message and it interests them they may look at your profile to build more of a picture.  If the message does not interest them they won't, unless to go "who is this idiot?".  But having a good profile can provide someone with more info and give them good conversation topics also.

(6) Compliment interests and personality - not looks

I'm sure many people like the idea someone finds them attractive, but, honestly - it's not conversational and it's an empty gesture. 

(7) Ask conversational questions

"How are you?" is not conversational.  Same with "How is your day?" and so many more.  If you bring up a topic where you are both interested you can speak for longer - because you can always keep returning to that topic. 

(8) Don't lead too much with fetishes

Yes, we know this is fetish dating and that it's really important the other person is into your kinks - but focusing too much on kinks and fetishes makes it sound like you're more interested in your fetish/kink than in them.

(9) Keep it short and make it count

I know for example guys feel disheartened when they've put a lot of effort into a long message and it's been left on read.  I know that guys counter this "Not wanting to waste effort" by just going "Hey, how are you?" but there is a middle ground.  A simple introduction, an interest in her profile, one or two conversational questions on common ground.  Sign off.  It puts in effort, shows you've read her profile and doesn't leave a load of emotional labour for her to reply.

(10) Read before you hit send

I don't think people are that picky on spelling and grammar, but make sure it makes sense!

(11) But don't push for a reply.

If you've been left on read or perhaps a conversation started but paused - don't keep pushing for a response unless you have something to add.  It might be they meant to reply but forgot, but they might have meant to come back when more time - or were simply not interested.  Oh, and, don't bitch in the forums no one replies your messages - they will see it and that'll be a dealbreaker.  In fact, hell, assume they'll see all your forum posts. If your last post wasn't conversational it may have killed the conversation

-

An example

"Hello, I'm x.  I've read your profile and you seem pretty cool.  I also like shibari, but I'm not an expert!  I don't think I've seen you around, did you ever go to any of the munches or events? Or were you planning on after covid?   Hope all is well, x"

This, starts with an introduction, says they've read the profile and drawn from an example and tried to make conversation with local munches and events, whilst also indicating that you do so.

Perhaps also.

"Hello - wow - you seem awesome.  I see you love popular TV series.  Have you also read the books/comics?  Have you also watched somewhat similar TV programme that's slightly lesser known? I can't wait for the next series"

It again shows the profile has been read and drawn on conversation points.

[Nylon-Nellie]

For me, a profile that has been filled in with some photos. People that have read my profile is a bonus. Usually helps if the person talks about other stuff apart from kink, as there is another side to me. What you have said, is relatable with me.

[Deleted Member]

Wait so "Will you f*** my ass good" and a pic of the aforementioned orifice isn't a good opener?

[Ga****]

Well said. No matter how much someone is into kink, we all come from a vanilla upbringing and world. I like the mix in different degrees

[Deleted Member]

I think the couple of examples are helpful - I usually get “wow your tits are awesome” or something similar. I think the most important point is to treat kinky people just like...people. 😁

[Phoenyx]

A little hint of intent, might also help.  Are you looking for a serious partner?  Or, do you simply wish to chat, exchange ideas, and expand your circle of friends?  Of course, it is always best, to keep all options open.  The person that you are contacting, may already be in serious negotiations with someone else.  So, be prepared for the possibility, that you may just chat as "friends".  Not everyone in Kink is "polyamorous".

Personally, I feel that the best approach, is to start out "chatting as friends".  Establish a circle of acquaintances, and see who eventually rises to the top.  But, don't try to rush things.  Patience will ensure better quality.  One of those new friends might even introduce you to someone, where something more serious could develop.

As was mentioned, coming straight-out with your kinks and/or fetishes is never a good idea.  Still, there are ways to handle this.  This is where a good profile comes in.  Of course, it is just as important to be tactful in your profile, as it is to be in an opening message.  In many ways, your profile is your opening message.  Say you have a taste for leather or latex.  Add a pic to your profile, of you wearing your favorite outfit.  But, again, try to keep it clean.  There is that "tact" factor that I mentioned.  But, there is also the fact, that most folks can't access photos in the "18+" category.  Or, if they can, they may not want to.

All in all, the dynamics here, are really not much different than those of a weekend social gathering.  The only critical difference is the lack of face-to-face interaction.  So, watch for ambiguities in your messages.  Statements that may have been quite clear, in the context of eye-contact and body language, may take-on multiple meanings, when expressed in text-only.  And, above all, smile and have fun!

[Kriss123]

Within the first couple of exchanges I more often than not get I'm going to have to get you a gag..😳

[ey****]

After writing this - a friend shared a message exchange she'd had.

Message > How are you?

Her > OK

Message > Great.  I'm looking for a play partner, when do you want to meet up?

-

So, I guess in follow up messages.  Don't go from 'response' to 'jackpot' too quickly

For the men receiving messages from Ladies - that's usually a sign it's a scam

For the women receiving messages from guys - it removes all doubt the sender was interested in you at all, and was just messaging everyone til someone bit.

[Deleted Member]

Yesterday at 07:43 AM, eyemblacksheep said:

After writing this - a friend shared a message exchange she'd had.

Message > How are you?

Her > OK

Message > Great.  I'm looking for a play partner, when do you want to meet up?

-

So, I guess in follow up messages.  Don't go from 'response' to 'jackpot' too quickly

For the men receiving messages from Ladies - that's usually a sign it's a scam

For the women receiving messages from guys - it removes all doubt the sender was interested in you at all, and was just messaging everyone til someone bit.

🙄 way to make a woman feel special!

[ey****]

46 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

🙄 way to make a woman feel special!

maybe there should be a follow up

"so, you got a reply - how not to blow it in the next message"

[Deleted Member]

52 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

maybe there should be a follow up

"so, you got a reply - how not to blow it in the next message"

🤷🏻‍♀️ It really feels that this is communication 101! I was thinking about how many people on the autistic spectrum are on here and how much this affects interactions. Because a lot of what you’ve mentioned is what I think many neurologically typical people know already. I’m excluding those who are entitled and/or misogynistic.

[ey****]

42 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I was thinking about how many people on the autistic spectrum are on here and how much this affects interactions. Because a lot of what you’ve mentioned is what I think many neurologically typical people know already. I’m excluding those who are entitled and/or misogynistic.

I think... autism isn't something I can pretend to be over-informed about.  But, I know it affects around 1% of the population (including diagnosed and undiagnosed estimates) and it does probably feel like more are drawn to things like online dating especially as I do know it can be hard for autistic folk to date - but - I think even with heightened average; these are guys whose lives aren't made easier because of those entitled, misogynistic, lazy or should really know better.

I also kinda hope that by keep trying to pump out positive messages - this can help those who are affected to learn/develop - hope

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think... autism isn't something I can pretend to be over-informed about.  But, I know it affects around 1% of the population (including diagnosed and undiagnosed estimates) and it does probably feel like more are drawn to things like online dating especially as I do know it can be hard for autistic folk to date - but - I think even with heightened average; these are guys whose lives aren't made easier because of those entitled, misogynistic, lazy or should really know better.

I also kinda hope that by keep trying to pump out positive messages - this can help those who are affected to learn/develop - hope

I take your point about positive messaging. And I agree! I am knowledgable about the autistic spectrum and particularly the difficulties in terms of communication. I am not on the spectrum myself, but for personal reasons I have had to learn a great deal about it.

Anecdotally it’s my understanding that those drawn to this kinky world are a higher proportion than present in the general population. I guess I just thought raising this aspect might inform the topic a little.

[ey****]

50 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

Anecdotally it’s my understanding that those drawn to this kinky world are a higher proportion than present in the general population. I guess I just thought raising this aspect might inform the topic a little.

I'm with you.  I was surprised it was as low as 1% - I think there are more autistic drawn to kink, online dating - and - in splosh, quite a lot also 

But yep - I think it's a reason why positive en***ment is always good

[Dr****]

Hi there- just wanted to Express my appreciation that this cluster of messages exists, as I've found it entirely by accident, yet it deals almost line-for-line with the things I experience quite regularly. I actually am on the spectrum, and speaking just for myself, some of these things I honestly didn't get. So thank you all for that, and I now have some editing to do on my profile... Maybe a bit too straight-up lol. Anyway, thank you. Any future success with this, I feel I owe in part to the lot of you.

[Deleted Member]

When I came on here looking to chat, ask questions I sent a few messages out (7) and received 1 reply (thanks IGH) Like I do on forums like Reddit. Only pleasantries like you would a new neighbour or work colleague or someone in the pub. I was surprised at this low reply rate until I realised that there could be more going on than rude members :

a. They were in my city so possibly too close for chats

b. They were single. So guards up 

c. They may get  lots of messages and no time to respond 

d. I didn't gift Dick pics or smutty pickup lines so they may feel insulted

e. I have no profile pic (could be their DAD!!) 

In all seriousness, I don't mind. I am sure they get some weird messages and they don't have to reply to anyone. I did think that maybe messages to members in other cities or even other countries might be more open as not seen as creeps etc but I have already decided not to bother now.

 

[Deleted Member]

Have to update, out of the 7 messages sent I have now had 2 replies (thanks Ari) and 1 blocked me (for sending what was just a nice hello message ?)

So overall I think it was worth it. Basically got 2 sweet replies from what many people these days would consider to be junkmail. I don't and it is nice to see others appreciate it too.

[Ky****]

On 8/3/2020 at 10:25 AM, Curvykate said:

I think the couple of examples are helpful - I usually get “wow your tits are awesome” or something similar. I think the most important point is to treat kinky people just like...people. 😁

oh I don't know I think 'wow your tits are awesome' would probably hook me, but then I've only got bcups so they don't get that much attention lol

[Ky****]

On 8/5/2020 at 10:45 AM, Curvykate said:

🤷🏻‍♀️ It really feels that this is communication 101! I was thinking about how many people on the autistic spectrum are on here and how much this affects interactions. Because a lot of what you’ve mentioned is what I think many neurologically typical people know already. I’m excluding those who are entitled and/or misogynistic.

talking to other trans people, not just kinksters, I think that also really affects communication for some of us, especially if we are new to our trans identities-we often reply the way we think someone of our gender should, this is often a combination of experiences and attitudes learned in previous gender with being confused, not having had time to learn what you are.  In many ways I'm a 12 year old girl, no I don't mean age play lol, in that mentally and physically I'm going through changes that mean I don't really know how to communicate, the difference is that I'm allowed to access sites like this, have sex etc because of my chronological age.  So your comment about neurology is interesting and insightful thanks for it 

[Mz****]

Giving this thread a bump, I think it's a valuable resource to refer people too..don't think I can add anything that hasn't already been said.

[ja****]

Ty for this. Being a shy person still new this is helpful

[He****]

Ok

[ok****]

This may help me a lot been grieving for a while and not used to talking to new folks