Conflicting desires

[Deleted Member]

My mind is full of conflicts about what I want in a partner. And by conflicts, I don't mean I'm confused. I mean, I have multiple solid ideas that clash with each other. Some of you may remember my latest posts about my separated views on love and sexuality. So far, it's not possible for me to be sexual with a romantic partner. However, if this issue happened to be overcome, there's another problem that concerns the sexual side of the relationship.

I have a desire to be in a romantic relationship with an innocent, pure girl. Maybe it's a subconscious compensation for my own corrupted and wretched state. But the idea is beautiful for me.

On another side, I know and accept that I have an extremely perverted side, full of kinks and fetishes of various kinds. The thing is, this is what I consider a "guilty pleasure", and therefore nothing to "taint" my innocent partner with.

I'm torn between finding a clean vanilla partner, or one that shares my darker desires. A kinky partner would clash with my idea of "clean" romance. While with a vanilla partner, I'd have to basically split my vanilla and kinky side even more, and get the perverted satisfaction in other ways (porn or independent play partners, in case of open relationship), but I would take pleasure in the pure romantic connection.

 

Now, I'd like some thoughts from other people, not influenced by my views. Is the idea of "purity" legit, or is it just an unhealthy obsession I should let go of?

[qu****]

Not so far removed from myself, a desire to love and be loved, but scared for it to happen as I don't know how to "be" with someone, having never had a relationship, though granted if, when, perhaps I meet someone it is the person that's important, not anything they may or may not be into, but the essence of personality, perhaps you could try looking at it as personality over desire, and anything else would happen through a natural progression of love and trust, whatever that is...

[Deleted Member]

I think if it matters to you don’t let go but it sounds like it’s causing you serious cognitive dissonance. For me if I can find someone to have a loving relationship with who cares for me and is romantic, who I can tie up dominate and destroy behind the scenes I’d be fairly complete. I think you may either have to choose (which I don’t recommend) or simply accept that you can have both with the right person. People are complex. One minute I’m a massive perv, the next a partner and confidant having cuddles. Hope that helps?

[ol****]

OP, you are not alone. Your dilemma is one a lot of folks have faced. Every relationship is different. Celebrate the good parts of your relationship, sometimes you can have it all, often you can't. 

[Deleted Member]

Could you be your true self in a relationship with a pure, innocent vanilla girl? Since entering the kink world, I have tried and failed to engage with vanilla men. It’s like a part of me in shadow. The way you talk about the pure innocence seems more of a fetish you’d like to indulge than a real wish for a relationship (apologies if I have that wrong). And if you were to meet such a girl, how might she feel about being with someone who hides so much and wants to be non-mono (romantically at least)? It’s also worrying to read that you have so little acceptance of your own “perverted” desires - you seem to be judging yourself harshly.

[Deleted Member]

  5 hours ago, Darkswitch said:

I think if it matters to you don’t let go but it sounds like it’s causing you serious cognitive dissonance. For me if I can find someone to have a loving relationship with who cares for me and is romantic, who I can tie up dominate and destroy behind the scenes I’d be fairly complete. I think you may either have to choose (which I don’t recommend) or simply accept that you can have both with the right person. People are complex. One minute I’m a massive perv, the next a partner and confidant having cuddles. Hope that helps?

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That's the thing I'm unable to do. To connect the two is almost impossible for me. I even treat myself as two different people, regarding that.

[Deleted Member]

  55 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

Could you be your true self in a relationship with a pure, innocent vanilla girl? Since entering the kink world, I have tried and failed to engage with vanilla men. It’s like a part of me in shadow. The way you talk about the pure innocence seems more of a fetish you’d like to indulge than a real wish for a relationship (apologies if I have that wrong). And if you were to meet such a girl, how might she feel about being with someone who hides so much and wants to be non-mono (romantically at least)? It’s also worrying to read that you have so little acceptance of your own “perverted” desires - you seem to be judging yourself harshly.

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The innocent girl is more of an obsession rather than a fetish. The open relationship isn't necessary, only if we had agreed on that. But yes, that would mean she would have access only to a half of me. I see myself as having two sides, each wanting the opposite of the other.

And about my acceptance, I maintain a vanilla outer image, while indulging in my lust in privacy, and anonymity of roleplay chats.

[Deleted Member]

Do you think realistically that an obsession would make for a meaningful relationship? I understand that keeping that kinky side under wraps is something that many of us do. Hard to keep separate as you describe without significant impact though?

[Deleted Member]

  1 hour ago, Curvykate said:

Do you think realistically that an obsession would make for a meaningful relationship? I understand that keeping that kinky side under wraps is something that many of us do. Hard to keep separate as you describe without significant impact though?

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Well, I doubt any "innocent angel" would want to have anything with me. I'm unattractive in the vanilla spectrum.

It all stems from my strict separation of sex-related stuf, and deep emotional connection. I feel like it should be always kept apart. I couldn't even conceive a sexual thought about my girlfriend when we were together, without feeling terrible about it.

[Psuedom]

Hi,

First, as I only access this site via my phone, there will most probably be a few hypographical errors in this reply, along with many points missed due to the enormity of the subject and such a slow typing s***d.

Could you shed more light on where the desires originate from? Is one a result of the other? One dominant or perfectly split? Would simple theatrics with the right person be enough, or does it run deeper than that? Is there a compromise you're happy to agree with yourself? Do you feel isolated because of it and outreach be enough to start?

I could go on, it's something I feel very strongly about and am happy to talk to anybody about without judgement. Would love to hear from you dude, stay strong.

 

[Deleted Member]

  53 minutes ago, EatandFuckyourASS said:

Hi,

First, as I only access this site via my phone, there will most probably be a few hypographical errors in this reply, along with many points missed due to the enormity of the subject and such a slow typing s***d.

Could you shed more light on where the desires originate from? Is one a result of the other? One dominant or perfectly split? Would simple theatrics with the right person be enough, or does it run deeper than that? Is there a compromise you're happy to agree with yourself? Do you feel isolated because of it and outreach be enough to start?

I could go on, it's something I feel very strongly about and am happy to talk to anybody about without judgement. Would love to hear from you dude, stay strong.

 

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Those two sides of me are strictly separated, and have the same weight in their own way. They clash all the time, but none can win.

I'm open to talking more. I'd like to get an insight from others.

[Shes_a_Siren]

I apologize if I am butting in, but are you aware of the concept of the madonna whore complex?  That's what this sounds like to me. 

[Paddywack-3112]

I understand where you are coming from , something of the same on my end it's is very unsettling upon the mind .

I would love to chat about it ,if you wish

[Shes_a_Siren]

Hi Paddy, feel free to message me. I don't know that I know enough about it to offer much help but I can try.

[Deleted Member]

  10 hours ago, Shes_a_Siren said:

I apologize if I am butting in, but are you aware of the concept of the madonna whore complex?  That's what this sounds like to me. 

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I've researched the complex. My situation is similar, but pushed to the extreme. I feel weird even about "clean" intimacy with the "madonna", while the "whore" must be a literal sex symbol (sex worker, porn character).

[Shes_a_Siren]

Wish I could be of more help. I'm sorry, that really sounds like a terrible dilemma and a difficult struggle.  I hope you can find your way through it.