New submissive

[Lo****]

Hi there I’m a new submissive looking for advise from fellow subs

[Deleted Member]

Hello and welcome. What kind of advice are you looking for exactly?

[Deleted Member]

How does a sub put away her everyday attitude and give herself over to another's control albeit temporarily as I'm not looking for 24/7 control

[ey****]

15 minutes ago, ellensready said:

How does a sub put away her everyday attitude and give herself over to another's control albeit temporarily as I'm not looking for 24/7 control

with trust built up over time.  Is a short answer.

[Star221]

Try little roll play and then into character gradually build a character from there I new too but my man wants it more like bdsm  so as day by day gradually getting into it talk your master tell him /her having hard Time switching  off  they may have way to help you relax enjoy

[Lo****]

Any advise really. I met someone who opened up this world to me and I do believe it’s the right thing for me I’m finding it a little overwhelming in terms of the terminology, rules etc 

[ey****]

I do find it somewhat frustrating that external links aren't allowed - but - for terminology I would google "BDSM glossary" 

for rules... well... they're basically how you set them within your relationship.

If you go to a club/event and someone claiming to be a Dom/Master/etc starts ordering you about, you're not *their* sub.  

 

[Deleted Member]

10 hours ago, Lou0584 said:

Any advise really. I met someone who opened up this world to me and I do believe it’s the right thing for me I’m finding it a little overwhelming in terms of the terminology, rules etc 

Have a look at the magazine: 

https://www.fetish.com/community/magazine/

 

There's loads of really cool articles in there on all kinds of everything fetish and BDSM. There's good beginners guides and safety guides in there. All in short (around 800 words) easy to read articles.   

Also, browse round the forum. I'm really proud of this amazing community, it gives wonderful advice. There's lotsd of good stuff out there! 

And if in doubt, ask. We will do our best to answer! 

[JayDom-2440]

I am the D, but what works for us is outside of the bedroom I treat her like normal, like my wife and lover and best friend. When she has to be punished I will do so discretely even in public but it is so rare, she usually will ask for a spanking early in the morning before I leave for work and that plus a little love spank when I get home usually are her “maintenance” spankings that keep her behaving very well. In the bedroom things change if it is play time, but outside of the bedroom it is pretty normal. 

[Deleted Member]

Talking to each other about what you both want out of  the situation helps then grow it from there 

It's not all about dressing up  (although that's fun ) it's doing what you feel comfortable doing when you feel like doing it. Just because my Mistress is in her pjs chilling in the chair doesn't mean I can start misbehaving 

Get safe words in place now before you start to play 

Punishment don't always have to involve spanking or canings  I'm often made to stand in the corner or sit on the naughty step 

[Charms]

its about rules. i have areas that fit in green orange an red. green i do orange im not sure red hell no.

 

also its about knowing when to play an when to go back to being normal self.

 

my master an i play  and we both love it. yes there are rules he wishes ne to live by but most are about being safe when im out when its dark or out drinking ect with freinds. an lookin after my health. basic stuff . he is my master but hes rule is i must be healthy and of sound mind to play. there are a few other rules to but not controlling 1s. he doesnt tell me who i an see or what i can do as long as im safe

 

when we dont play we are just a normal couple. infact i can be a bit bossy when it comes to him. like i will buy him things an tell him he as to have it 

 

 

[Deleted Member]

I would start by both filing out a bdsm checklist where you can say what your  soft limits,  hard limits and wishes are and you can compare them.  

Then decide on a safe word. If he hears you say this all play stops. Most people use traffic lights, green for good,  Amber for unsure but ok and red for stop! ! You can also incorporate numbers from 1-5 for play scenes. 3 is good for you,  1 pathetic attempt- do it hader/faster etc, 4 getting close to limit,  5 stop.

Me and my Dom have a ritual when we are going to start playing or scening. he might tell me to kneel at his feet while he is watching tv, or tell me to go to the bedroom and wait for him in a certain position.  Google submissive positions and learn the basics. 

When we have fnished playing its always good to have aftercare. This could be cuddling or wrapping you in a blanket while you come back down. 

By following the command 'drop role' you are still following orders and can go about every day life. 

Enjoy yourself!!

Roxanne

 

[Shysub32]

I am also a new sub. I have known this is who I am and what I wanted most my life but after ending an unhappy vanilla relationship, have started to grow this side of me. 

I have really learned a lot over the past year and most of that came through questioning and researching. 

I met my Dom online through random chance in a non-bdsm setting. We spoke and initially had obvious chemistry from afar. Started to get to know one another and found that we both wanted the same things. He has been there every step of the way guiding and nurturing me, asking me what it was that I really wanted, what made me happy, what concerns, questions, ***s, excitements did I have. He taught me a great deal and most of that was to ensure no matter who I am with or what happens to stay true to who I am and be with a person who respects me and my boundaries. 

Initially, when discussing things I thought I only wanted to only be a bedroom sub, for societal pressure and biases that anything outside of that made me weak in some way. I have now grown and have so much trust and respect he will care for me that I have asked him to help me with other things in my life. For example, working out, eating healthy....ensuring I have a routine of "tasks" that are beneficial to me and help me achieve my goals. I know finding myself wanting to submit to him in ways I never thought possible. He has my trust and is continuing to help me not only learn and grow as a sub but a person. 

So after all my ranting, I guess my advice to you is to do you. Find someone you can trust, don't ever submit without being completely confident in him and how your relationship will be. You should spend as much time as you need discussing what it is you and him both really want and what can be negotiated or not. Don't ever dismiss your principals and deep embedded morals but realize that a good Dom will push your limits and help you grow. If he is true to you and your relationship/journey he will focus on making sure he never expects anything that would make you uncomfortable or exceed what you have discussed is acceptable. 

Sex and the kink is great,  but it is a hell of a lot better when the communication is open, honest, and real. 

Question everything until you are satisfied and if he/she is not okay with that....then probably not a good route to go. 

[Newbiesub868]

On 2018-01-17 at 1:47 PM, ellensready said:

How does a sub put away her everyday attitude and give herself over to another's control albeit temporarily as I'm not looking for 24/7 control

This is something I had issues with in some ways and release in another. 

Whatbhas worked for me is starting in the bedroom. I found giving up a little control at a time was such a relief. For once I didn’t have to worry about something or make a decision. I could sit, or lay, or bend into a position and let it happen. I knew I was safe and I didn’t have to worry about my hard limits and my body and mind would relax. I could finally be at peace and at one with myself and through the *** I would find the pleasure because that is all I could and needed to focus at at the time. 

I still struggle outside the bedroom in relation to giving up control. The proper Dom will teach, guide and direct you. Be honest with them and ask lots of questions. Make you know you limits (yes there are non sexual ones) and they are aware of them. Also ask. A good Dom will tell you why it is important to them and will work with you to get there. 

Key is always Communication and Trust

[TheHistorian]

What happens if the woman wants to be a sub but can't or won't verbalize it? How hard do you push? I have never been wrong when I push by sub but I lack confidence to push too hard or too quickly and I often wonder if I'm waiting too long to introduce things. 

 

Do I keep hounding her to talk to me even if it means all play stops for days or weeks? Or before for nearly years because she won't talk. 

[***ismygain]

Hi there. I'm new and I would like to get into the whole bdsm thing.  Any one got any tips or can help me out.  

[ey****]

2 hours ago, TheHistorian said:

What happens if the woman wants to be a sub but can't or won't verbalize it? How hard do you push? I have never been wrong when I push by sub but I lack confidence to push too hard or too quickly and I often wonder if I'm waiting too long to introduce things. 

 

Do I keep hounding her to talk to me even if it means all play stops for days or weeks? Or before for nearly years because she won't talk. 

you don't push anyone into something they don't want to do!  

[ey****]

10 minutes ago, ***ismygain said:

Hi there. I'm new and I would like to get into the whole bdsm thing.  Any one got any tips or can help me out.  

Read the posts on website like this one. There's a magazine full of resources - otherwise this is too open of a question to give any form of meaningful answer.

[TheHistorian]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

you don't push anyone into something they don't want to do!  

100% not what I mean. 

She has verbalized she is willing to let me push but when I do she quickly gives up. Then gets frustrated that she gave up. For instance butt plug.. she had a huge idea that she would hate it however one day I just simply started doing it and she never said no. She has since asked for this type of play, yet once again she never asked for it to begin with and would give up easy when I asked. 

 

Is that a more clear way of describing it.

 

She seems very interested in me taking what i want but when I ask about specific ideas she becomes supremely hesitant. 

Edited February 26, 2018 by TheHistorian
Clarification

[ey****]

1 hour ago, TheHistorian said:

 

She seems very interested in me taking what i want but when I ask about specific ideas she becomes supremely hesitant. 

sorry, gotcha.

So, she's expressed an interest but it's pretty much never a good time.

Some simple ideas if you've not tried already

- have you gone through a checklist (google BDSM checklist) together for activities that'd be mutually interesting

- establish a way of communicating when no means NO and when no means, "actually, keep pushing me on this" 

it may take time for both of you.  If she's struggling see if there are any factors causing her to struggle or anything might make it easier to get into the right mood - and of course, I'm sure you do, but being supportive she's let nobody down and can always keep trying again.

[TheHistorian]

That's pretty accurate. We have had so many discussions and she has agrees in principle to basically anything outside of a few hard rules we have and basically the understanding that I will work her into a place where she is 100% submissive however she can't quite relax enough. When she does it's amazing for us and she gets fulfillment outside of the bedroom as well from it. 

 

I believe we are at a point where she wants me to just take whatever I want without even asking yet I'm still waiting for a green light on some specific questions. I have point blank asked and she won't give a good response. Do I just take what's mine like I have to this point or do I wait to make sure it's in her checklist?

[ey****]

whilst you're exploring I'd work from a white list.  That's basically doing stuff you know she's OK'd.  Once she gets a bit more comfortable with relaxing and playing you can toy about with stuff.  Making of course sure she's an easy safeword if it's not going to work.  Possibly even forewarn her you might be going to push on something she hasn't stated is a limit.

if in doubt... there's always another day.

[TheHistorian]

2 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

whilst you're exploring I'd work from a white list.  That's basically doing stuff you know she's OK'd.  Once she gets a bit more comfortable with relaxing and playing you can toy about with stuff.  Making of course sure she's an easy safeword if it's not going to work.  Possibly even forewarn her you might be going to push on something she hasn't stated is a limit.

if in doubt... there's always another day.

I have been using the forewarning quite a bit and maybe that's the ticket. Keep with that but I was concerned it wasn't quite dominant enough. I have very dominant tendencies but I seem to care way too much about how she feels at times. I wanted to make sure that's an ok thing as a dominant. I'm way to new at this. It's between my wife and I of 15 years and this is a completely new thing. 

Long story short we finally realized she has needed a Daddy of sorts since hers died a decade ago.  I need to learn new confidence as well to do this. 

[ey****]

Particularly early days, don't worry if you're not Dominant "enough".   It's something you'll both grow with together.  After any form of play, after the highs and lows settle - a chat about what was liked, what was not, where things could in theory go in the future.

You'll find through your own trial and error your confidence grow and you'll start to learn when you can suddenly do something leftfield and unexpected.    

[TheHistorian]

Thank you for the advice