Overcoming Shame

[BaritoneSwitch]

Hello Everybody

I think I'd like to pose this question here, since Femdom is my biggest kink and I'd love to hear from others with the same interest.
 

I've struggled with feelings of shame surrounding my kink for as long as I've known that I've had it. Not surprisingly, I come from a somewhat conservative background that promoted a very empowered view of femininity but also a very traditional view of masculinity. And my somewhat sensitive, submissive, nature extended to my entire personality not just my kinks. So I was shamed a lot for being too 'people-pleasing' and 'emotional'. I've come to the point now that I really want to start exploring this part of myself and integrating it into my identity, but a lot of that residual embarrassment still remains. I can think of every reason in the world why I shouldn't be ashamed of my kinks, but I can only really grasp them on an intellectual level. Actually feeling them on an emotional level has proven much harder.

It would be great to hear anyone's stories of how they pushed through this, and learned to embrace this part of themselves. I truly hope that all of this doesn't come off as self-pitying. I don't mean it to be. But on a forum like this, I'm pretty sure that many people on it will have similar experiences to share.

 

Thanks so much!

[Deleted Member]

Hello Baritone , I can sympathise with you as I come from a working class family, woman in the kitchen, man at work etc . I’m naturally sensitive and emotional and I was picked on by family members and at school by other ***.My grandad was a boxer who taught me how to defend myself .I know that times have changed and using fists to deal with a bully is frowned upon so we need to find other ways to handle negative things people say to us . My advice is to accept your desires ignore mainstream society’s views of what is “ normal “ and get involved with the fetish community. When covid is over hopefully the fetish clubs will reopen, get yourself down to your nearest one and meet and talk with like minded souls . This is what I did and hopefully like me feel the comfort of belonging and it will go along way in calming your anxiety.I certainly never thought that what you said was self pitying. It takes guts to open up and express your worries and to me that’s a positive strength. If you want to or need to then please message me direct and I’ll talk with you in-depth.

[BaritoneSwitch]

Thanks so much Tarott!

[Deleted Member]

I'm sorry you feel shame. I understand what it is and how strong and ***ful it is. My people have a culture of shame, and it's hard. Shame is a dangerous feeling for a person, since unlike guilt, it is impossible to receive forgiveness or indulgence. I would advise you to contact a good psychologist and figure out the reasons.

Maybe it's really just a shame because of the conflict between the rules learned in childhood and who you are. Or maybe in fact it is a justified *** of losing loved ones if they find out who you are. Or lose your status in society.

I wish you luck and take care.

[Ky****]

i suffered many of the same things, all I can say is try to find a supportive group, that's what's helped me-very lucky to go back to uni where things are done different, but like you when I'm in my home environment, small town, then its a no go, big cities etc can be more welcoming

 

[ol****]

Shame or ***?

Having your kinks outed and losing reputation, home, family weights on most kinksters at some time or another.

It's possible to confuse the *** with feeling ashamed that you don't conform to whatever you think normal is.

If it helps there is no normal.  There is a spectrum, the way people act which kinksters refer to as vanilla. But it is still a spectrum.

Talking to a councillor can help you get into "box 4" and understand the things you hide from yourself.  

A good place to start is to find out if you see yourself as others see you. If you do then you understand the "public you" that you put on show to the world. That's two boxes covered. The private you is the you that you think you are when alone in bed at night. That's the third box. Very few people can open the fourth box without help.

[LookingNormal]

I can totally understand feeling shame for what you might inflict upon others, especially those you care about, but as for what I could make happen only upon myself I think the only way I could feel shame about it is if it was damaging somehow, like mentally or physically self destructive.

About gender roles I'd guess most of the world finds it more comfortable dealing with traditional ones, but seems like that's their thing and up to you how you balance their expectations with your desires .

[BaritoneSwitch]

Thank you for your kind words everyone. Unfortunately I know how irrational it is for me to feel this way, I have 'come out' to a few of my close friends and they've been wonderfully accepting. It's just taking a lot longer to make the irrational feelings go away than I hoped it would.

On 10/29/2020 at 3:20 AM, oldfellow said:

A good place to start is to find out if you see yourself as others see you. If you do then you understand the "public you" that you put on show to the world. That's two boxes covered. The private you is the you that you think you are when alone in bed at night. That's the third box. Very few people can open the fourth box without help.

That's a really good idea. I've been told that my public persona is very different from what I think it is. So that's probably a good line of inquiry to pursue.

[ol****]

Knowing yourself as others see you is vital. It's because fooling yourself is too easy otherwise.