Newbie sub???

[Reba555]

Ive started seeing a guy that i knew was dominant, he knew i wasnt submissive, and said he liked the fact i was confident and had quite a dominant personality. 

He definitely doesnt want to be submissive and im worried what he wants to do to me.

If there more to being submissive than receiving ***? Im really not into *** at all. We tried spanking and it was way too much, ive shown him a video of something more erotic, so he is happy to tone that down.

However, although he knows i wasnt happy hes still mentioning using a paddle and riding crop.

Im also not good with being tied up (claustrophobic panic attacks)....again ive told him but he still mentions it.

Also, he has a main fantasy of seeing me with another man. He says to see me enjoying myself. Ive told him its not for me and id be more likely to cry than be turned on. I really have a problem with this one.

I try to talk to him....he thinks im over analysing things.

Is this doomed???

Can this work???

Id be grateful for any advice

[ey****]

He needs to learn quickly what his priority is - you or his kink interests - he can't have both.

If he wants to enact his kinks, then either your relationship has to end, or they have to be with someone else.   If he wants you, then he needs to accept that what he likes is not what you like.

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Yes there's more to being submissive than receiving ***.  Many people have very good D/s relationships with no *** play at all.  But if *** is his interest then, well, it can't be with you and he needs to accept this and drop the ideas.   Ditto for the bondage and the cuckolding.

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Boundaries are extremely important in this lifestyle.  By persistently bringing up topics you have already said "no" to he is not respecting your boundaries and to me this is a massive red flag.   

[Deleted Member]

Hello, going on exactly what you have said. He is not a Dom at all. Just someone who wants to use a woman for his own sexual gratification. The dynamic between a Dom and Sub is based on Trust and Respect. You can't trust him and he doesn't respect you first as a woman 2nd as his Sub.. Never forget this although the Dom believes hes in control and his sub does as she is told. It's the Sub who controls the safe word.
I'm afraid his actions are not that of a real Dom. Who understands the narrative of a D/S relationship. Or the concept of a caring Dom.
So my advice to you would be to say goodbye and find yourself a proper Dom.
I'm looking for a newbie Submissive

[Deleted Member]

😘😘😘🤣🤣🤣

[Deleted Member]

Have you had an indepth discussion about you and what you would like to experience and possibly achieve satisfaction from, through being with this guy? Did he listen? How did he react during that time of hearing about your desires, needs and fantasies? From what you've written, it doesn't sound like he's either listened or taken notice. If that's happening now, before you get to practical situations, then I don't think you can trust him. He seems to have fixed ideas which don't relate to, or fit, yours. Where's the compromise, the gentle introductions to new situations, the constant chatting, checking that you're ok, that you can cope and manage with what's happening? If none of this sounds familiar, then you might suggest parting, before he wrecks you emotionally and completely removes any confidence that you might have had, before he waded in, in what seems like extreme heavy handedness. You'll be of the opinion that all dominants are like this guy, but believe me, they're not

[Deleted Member]

I'm sorry to say but this does not sound like it can work at all. The basis of any relationship, kinky or not, is respect. The fact that you have put down some clear no's rather than maybes yet he insists on pushing it is a concern.
Truth be told I would normally suggest having a good talk but it seems like you've already done that and he just won't listen.
It's very concerning though because if he were ever to have you in a *** position ie tied up and you used the safety word which is a clear "NO I'm not happy" would he stop or would he act like this and claim you are over thinking it then keep going?
He should respect your limits and try to find ways to cater to you within them. Not try to nag you into submission.
Unfortunately these kind of situations are more common than most realise and I have yet to see it result in a good relationship.
I wish you the best but in my opinion this person is a fake Dom as they don't have the key aspects of respect in place. I doubt he will listen and the fact that he dismisses your very real and valid concerns is a major red flag.

[Ar****]

It's pretty much already been said above, but I'm going to back it up anyway.

 

This man is showing no respect for your boundaries, thus your wellbeing, and it is a huge red flag.

 

Take the situation away from BDSM for a moment. Imagine you have a friend who tells you she has started a perfectly vanilla relationship with somebody. She has also told you, entirely reasonably, that she has told him something is a no-go for her - a boundary, a trigger, it doesn't matter what it is or what it relates to.

 

Now imagine that you learn this new guy she is seeing doesn't give a damn for how she feels about her boundaries, and keeps pushing her to break them for his own benefit. What would you be saying to that friend?

 

Whether in this world or the vanilla world, a partner's wellbeing should be at the forefront of everyone who is in a relationship's mind; yours is clearly not in his.

 

Please be very careful, before you find yourself in a dangerous situation. 

[Deviant_Ric]

RED FLAG!!!! This has all the hallmarks of disaster written all over it I am sorry to say.
Just about every form of D/s is based on trust and communication; I suggest you direct him to the nearest dictionary to check the definition of these for himself.
Good luck and please please please do not get yourself into a situation you regret and taints your view of our beautiful world 🙏🏻

[Deleted Member]

I think most has been said above about his behaviour being a big red flag. The dividing line is that you negotiate your limits and consent to that. There may be some limits that YOU decide are flexible. If he goes beyond what is agreed that is abusive not BDSM.

[Deleted Member]

A lot of good advice given above. I am a female submissive. You cannot turn someone into a submissive. You’ve said you’re not one. He is not respecting who you are. You deserve more than this wannabe dom.

[Koby]

Dominance is for me a Mindset first and Foremost. Kinks are just a part of the manifestation FOR HIM.

You can engage in D/s without Kinks.

Most importantly, BDSM is not binary - Dominance and Submissives. There is a plethora of different roles and you just need to find yourself.

Be mindful of being funneled into a box or a particular role. Also make sure he actually acknowledges your concerns rather than just give you sweet words just to appease you.

[Reba555]

Thankyou everyone for your advice, i think i already knew the outcome lol

Ill be taking your advice 😊

[Er****]

yeah sounds over said but its good to be on the same page/leavle😈🍿 I'm more a kinda and aggressive in the sack

[Reba555]

Right i have some more clarification.

He started a Ds relationship for 5 years, they were both newbies, but new they had interest. Obviously it grew and developed over that time.

My main concern when i asked if this could work is wondering if hes done extreme stuff with her, does it always follow that he would want to do at least that level with the next person?

Do i need to ask what level he enjoys/wants? Would that be the safer way to tackle this?

[Koby]

As a Sadist, I have played with individuals with varying threshold degrees.

 

@eyemblacksheepsaid - the real question is what is more important the relationship or his kink?

A Sadist can always adjust if they wish... 

Edited November 10, 2020 by Koby
Added a word

[Deleted Member]

On 11/8/2020 at 7:00 PM, Reba555 said:

Is this doomed???

Can this work???

Id be grateful for any advice

Honestly (which is always best, esp radical kind).... it sounds like you're attracted to each other..... but these things that cause uncertainty early on will be the reasons you eventually separate.  Cut your losses there's 7 billion other people,  release him and yourself to enjoy your lives with out this conflict.  Your interest in eroticism will be nourished by others who will cherish you and you won't need to wonder whether you're enough. 

Be brave, it'll be worth it 10 fold

💋🔥💋

[Trubluxxxlove]

How do u know what u goint to NOT like befor u try it u jus got to b open minded and b confrontable with the third person in volved jus take the emotional attachment a way that u have with your current boyfriend and and think it only as enjoyment and recreation heathy and fun letting go is scary but. How can u concor frears without facing them and jumping into it give yourself a chance and let go k ...😇😇😇

[Mz****]

3 hours ago, Trubluxxxlove said:

How do u know what u goint to NOT like befor u try it u jus got to b open minded and b confrontable with the third person in volved jus take the emotional attachment a way that u have with your current boyfriend and and think it only as enjoyment and recreation heathy and fun letting go is scary but. How can u concor frears without facing them and jumping into it give yourself a chance and let go k ...😇😇😇

The poster has stated her hard limits, they should be respected, she should not be made to do Anything she is uncomfortable with, especially when the approach from the D is so dismissive of her concerns..by all means, IF she wants to explore softer limits Once trust has been established thats different, but how do you build trust with someone selfishly entirely focused on their own needs or wants, you can't, jumping into dangerous situations to "conquer ***s" as you put it is not only irresponsible its dangerous, hes not listening to her, he won't respect limits, he's certainly not going to respect safewords, I can easily see her ending up being tied up, with a striped arse being fucked by a third party, none of which she wants..thats not BDSM or kink, its physical and sexual *** ..and that you think it's only healthy recreation and fun, thats scary too.

Edited November 13, 2020 by MzJax
Typo

[Deleted Member]

So far my reading of this has really outlined a few things.

1. This guy is very interested in you acting submissive besides your previous statement that you weren't.
2. He seems to be putting subtle pressure and indirect direction towards activities you know you are not happy with.
3. You seem to be asking us for reassurance that this will last, which tells me that you already think this might be a negative BDSM partnership.
4. To answer your question yes there is more to being submissive than ***, but this does not sound like an experienced Dom, or a Dom who is inexperienced but well researched and willing to learn, and as such i dont believe he would be able to find the distinction between Domination and Sadism (which seems to be an issue from my reading).
5. He isn't respecting your boundaries, and that is a massive red flag.

Sorry to say but i really don't see this as working out for you without a serious conversation and change of direction on his part.

[Invisible71]

Surely this is very very simple...... Get the fuck away from him as quickly as possible and look for somebody that has your interests at heart. 

[Deleted Member]

Such an important topic and sound advice given. Thank you all for posting - this helped me as well!

[Reba555]

Thankyou so much guys for your advice. After another meeting with him, i just came away feeling used. He is everything you said, too many red flags, ive ended it.

Just for clarification to my not wanting a 3rd party involved. I did this 30 years ago with my husband at the time. We were all drunk and my husband initiated it out the blue. I went with the excitement of it all but afterwards just couldn't forgive my husband for wanting to share me, it always made me feel he didn't love me enough. I could do it again if it were with 2 strangers, but not someone im in a relationship with.

This guy knew all this, knew it would end our relationship if he ever convinced me to do it. As of yesterday he was still talking about his desire to do this.

He's history 😊

[Ni****]

Good to hear that he's history 🙂 If he's still talking about it, even when you've made it very clear is a hard limit, then he's already showing signs of ignoring your limits 😔

[Deleted Member]

Thursday at 03:29 PM, Reba555 said:

Thankyou so much guys for your advice. After another meeting with him, i just came away feeling used. He is everything you said, too many red flags, ive ended it.

Just for clarification to my not wanting a 3rd party involved. I did this 30 years ago with my husband at the time. We were all drunk and my husband initiated it out the blue. I went with the excitement of it all but afterwards just couldn't forgive my husband for wanting to share me, it always made me feel he didn't love me enough. I could do it again if it were with 2 strangers, but not someone im in a relationship with.

This guy knew all this, knew it would end our relationship if he ever convinced me to do it. As of yesterday he was still talking about his desire to do this.

He's history 😊

Good for you, Reba! 👊🏻