What Makes a Good Dom?

[Mz****]

@blueberry_bubbiHave a read of this, it might give you some insights you'll find really helpful 🤞

[Deleted Member]

[Daisydreams]

On 12/15/2020 at 12:42 PM, ARCH73 said:

We often hear people in the scene talking about this Master or that Mistress, this Dom or that Domme, we hear good things and bad things, things to make our hair stand on end, things to make us laugh and things to make us cry. Of course, believing everything you hear, is not a good idea, as many statements come from rumours and hearsay although, word of mouth recommendations are usually accurate, and so if someone tells you that Master X or Mistress Y is a good Dominant, then you could reasonably expect that to be close to the truth.

Originally by me written in 2013, much of the information in this article was taken from an article written by my good friend Kim Debron who actually helped me with the re-write. For the sake of my sanity, I am referring to Dominants as male, but the same applies to all Dominants, regardless of gender.....

With the recent pandemic of 50 Shades and other such books, there are an extraordinarily high number of people that are new to this lifestyle. So many of them are submissive, or think they are submissive and unsure of what to look for in a Dom. It got me to thinking about the differences between a good Dom and a bad one, the kind you NEVER want to come across and should ALWAYS be on the lookout for.

My greatest *** is that in desperation to find a Dom, people will rush into bad relationships and not realize their mistakes until it is far too late. We see it happen in the vanilla world far too often, but the BDSM world is so secretive that the lines tend to blur. A bad Dom may not actually kill you, but some part of your personality, your heart, your mind, some part of you will surely die a terrible and unnecessary death if you settle for what feels good now instead of waiting for what you need. Notice I didn’t say what you want there. What you want and what you need are often two completely different things. A Good Dom will provide for your needs, and at his biding, reward you with your wants as he sees fit and as your negotiations and contract permit.

I know what follows is a lot of information and it sounds like I may be describing the “perfect guy” or the “perfect Dom”. By the time you get to the end you will probably be thinking “Well that person doesn’t exist, so I’ll settle for just some of those qualities” this could be a grave mistake.

Good Doms do exist. I have seen them, I have spoken to them, I have many friends who submit to them, I consider myself to be one and have many more friends who ARE good Doms themselves. The problem is people are not taking the time to get to know exactly who they’re getting in bed with before they climb in. They rush, worried that if they let this one go, there will never be another out there for them. They jump into a commitment, beg for that collar and then excuse the problems away, until they are frail shadows of their former selves. And by the time they realise their mistakes, they are too damaged to try again.

In the beginning of a relationship in BDSM you will hear the words “Safe, Sane and Consensual” or “Risk Aware, Consensual Kink”. For beginners, and especially for those who only play (or scene) from time to time, these are not merely descriptive words for BDSM, they are the essence of it. The key word though is “consensual”. It appears in both phrases for a reason. If your relationship is not consensual then it is not BDSM, it is ***. And I beg you to RUN from that relationship. Don’t think, just run. There will be plenty of time for thinking later. Right now, your safety is at stake.

A good Dom will not simply read a few pages on the internet, have a look through a book and then declare himself an experienced master with many years’ experience and several “trained submissives” under his belt. Most have taken the time and trouble to attend workshops and seminars or have perhaps had lessons from or sought advice from other Dominants more experienced than themselves.

There are many so called Dominants who do not know the difference between being dominant and being domineering. A domineering person thinks that it is all about “being in charge” no matter what. Domineering people are often overbearing, loud and tyrannical – yes they exercise control, but it is done in an oppressive way, they are unjust and severe in their treatment of the people around them and their control is often en***d with threats of physical punishment and with no thought for anyone but themselves.

On the other hand, although a Dom also exercises complete control, it is done in a more subtle way, with influences and thoughts rather than threats and physical punishments. Doms care about the people around them, and though they can be authoritarian and powerful, they have the utmost respect for others and a high level of care and consideration.

So, what is it that makes a Dom worthy of your submission? What sets Dominants apart from the abusive idiots who desperately try to *** that title down your throat?

First and foremost, a good Dom has an extraordinary amount of self-control. Sometimes he is so patient that it is infuriating. But it is because of this self-control that he will never hit you out of anger. He will put you FIRST. Even though you’re the one serving him, he makes sure that your needs are met. That your mental, physical and emotional health is in good shape. Those rules about taking your meds and working out? They’re not for his benefit, they’re for yours. Making sure you eat well? Another way to make sure you’re healthy. A good Dom understands the importance of AFTERCARE and will move mountains to make sure you get every minute of it that you need.

A good Dom knows that communication is key to this lifestyle, more so than any other. He knows that talking things out, discussing and understanding your views, your limits, your ***s and your desires is the very core of how you will serve, how he will teach and how well you two will succeed in a relationship together. He may not enjoy going down memory lane of his past, but he will do it willingly and openly to help you understand him better. He’ll be open about his own ***s, desires, fantasies and limits. He will encourage you to talk about anything and everything you desire. He would expect you to be as open with him as he is with you and he would never want you to hide things from him.

A good Dom does his best to understand you, even if that means having to research topics in his own time, having to learn new skills, or having to go out of his way, he will do it because it means getting to know you better. The better he knows you, the better he can talk to you, the easier it will be to understand what makes you tick, why your limits are what they are, how to respond when you’re in a session. He works hard to make sure that he knows your verbal cues as well as your mannerisms. It's his job to protect you even from himself. He takes that to heart.

A good Dom will push you past your limits but will never break them. He will check in on you during a scene “are you okay? How are you doing? What colour are you at?” It might be annoying at times but it’s for your safety. He may even end a scene before you think you’re ready. “No, if we keep going, I will break skin, or bruise nerves that won’t heal properly” or “I think you’ve had enough, little one.” You may not enjoy hearing these things, but your well-being is HIS responsibility, and you are his most valued possession.

A good Dom will let you walk away. He will fight for you but not to the point of stopping you. He will respect your safe word and cut you loose if you ask him to. He will let you walk out of his life forever if you want, even if it nearly kills him to do so. Because when the day is done and the scene is over, he knows that you are the one that is really in control. If the relationship is not consensual at all times, then it is not something he is interested in being a part of. You CHOOSE to submit to him, and in return, he fills a void that only the Dominant can for a submissive.

A good Dom is honest to the deepest part of his being. Honour and duty are important to him. He prides himself on always doing the honourable thing, even if it costs him. He requires the same high expectations of you that he does of himself. He will never lie to you or deceive you or trick you into doing anything. He may tease you, he may joke around with you, but he knows where the line is, and he stays far away from ever crossing it.

A good Dom is humble. He recognizes his own flaws and will gladly point them out to you time and time again. “I am not perfect; I am far from it.” is a common saying for him. “I can’t read minds, I need you to talk to me” is his way of reminding you that he may be good at reading you, but he still needs your permission, your confirmation, your trust and honesty as well.

A good Dom never stops looking for new things to learn. He looks to learn about you, about new skills he can use (be they in the bedroom or outside of it), for new ways to help others. A good Dom understands the importance of a well-read mind and need to exercise it. He reaches out and volunteers his time, skills and sometimes even *** to those less fortunate than him. He asks the same of those who serve him, because he knows that the lessons that helping others can teach us are more valuable than anything else in life. He understands that helping others is what fuels his need for compassion, loyalty, honesty, self-control, humility, and communication with others.

A good Dom doesn't have to blow His own trumpet – he just “IS”. He doesn’t have to demand respect, He gets that anyway, He doesn’t have to announce to the world who He is, because His reputation and the respect of His ***rs precede Him.

A good Dom takes responsibility for the submissive(s) in His life, he controls them and dominates them, but He is empathetic to them and sympathetic to their needs, understanding that for any submissive to give their best, they must be secure and confident in their submission. He is respectful of others, both submissive and dominant, and is not too proud to ask for advice or help if it is needed.

A good Dom is the one whose name comes up in conversation time and time again, he is the one who is sought out for advice, or help. He is the one who other Dominants aspire to be like, he is a role model to up and coming Dominants, and he is the one that many submissives would like to belong to.

A good Dom is popular within the scene and makes time for everyone, and more importantly, does not belittle others, no matter what he may think. He treats everyone with respect and kindness but does not suffer fools and is not afraid to speak his mind and tell someone off should it be necessary. He also tries to be non-political, as far as is possible, not entering into arguments or disagreements, but instead is more likely to act as a pacifier and an arbitrator in an effort to diffuse the situation rather than inflame it.

And of course, with this, comes the “tall poppy” syndrome. There are jealous people in every group or society, people who are consumed with it and who will try to discredit someone at every opportunity. A good Dom will simply ignore the criticisms and barbs aimed at him, as he is secure in himself and know that fires without fuel will eventually die.

Belonging to a Master whom many consider to be a “good dominant” and being well respected and high profile within the scene, also affects his submissive and their life with Him. They have to constantly share Him with others who need or want His attention. They have to understand that when they are out, people will gather around Him, He seems to draw people to him no matter where they are. They also have to be very careful of any comments or actions of their own, as their behaviour is a direct reflection on Him.

Although to some it may not seem real, don’t make the mistake of thinking that the D/s lifestyle is game. To the people who make the choice to live this lifestyle, it is VERY real. It is not just role play, though it can be, depending on the dynamic of the relationship. Some people only do this in the bedroom or when they play - for those people - at that time, it is real - even though they are role playing, but for people who choose to live 24/7, this is not pretend, it is their life, and it is real.

So, in my opinion, a Good Dom is one who is friendly and approachable, has integrity and has great self-awareness. He will put in the effort to get to know you, will help you to feel at ease and will never demand or take what is not freely given. He gives much of himself to others as he is well respected and well liked due to his nature and personality, looked up to by his ***rs and sought out by others, for friendship, and advice. 

And he doesn’t have to blow his own trumpet! 

Wow.....and this is why I've found myself here. Thank you