‘Are You a True Sub?’ and Other Questions - A Newbie’s Reaction to Toxic Rhetoric and Manipulative Language around Submission

December 29, 2020

‘Are you a true sub?’

My first response to this question was, how can anyone who hasn’t experienced d/s know what they are? I know what I feel; I know what I want; I even know what I need, but a ‘true sub’? My second response was, what does being a ‘true sub’ even mean?

Sure, there are some hard and fast rules that all d/s relationships need to have. I may be green, but I make a point of reading deeply into subjects I’m interested in, asking questions of people who have experience and thinking about what I learn, so whilst my learning may largely be theoretical, it’s got a good solid base to it.

But, surely, outside of those ground rules, a d/s relationship can be whatever the people involved are comfortable with? Asking if someone is a ‘true sub’ is akin to saying they’re not worthy if they don’t fit one person’s preconceived notion as to what that means. It’s a put-down to anyone who stands outside that person’s parameters.

A person can be submissive to one dom, but find it impossible to be submissive to a second. Does that mean they’re not a ‘true sub’? No. It means the latter dom wasn’t right for them. In my opinion, if the latter were to turn round and say the sub wasn’t a ‘true sub’, it would say more about them and their understanding of d/s relationships than it would about the sub. It would say to me, ‘Behave as I expect, newbie, or I won’t affirm your role.’ But, like I say, I’m green - what do I know?

‘A lot of women over 40 who’ve been in crap relationships fantasise about d/s. If you can let a relative stranger blindfold you and use you as he wants ...’

So much wrong here, but let’s break it down ...

I don’t know if lots of women over 40 visit fetish sites looking for some titillation without really wanting the full d/s thing but, even if they do, you don’t get to make that generalisation about all women over 40. One of the first things I learned was the heightened importance of respect in d/s relationships. If you can’t respect a woman and treat her as an individual, you’re on a hiding to nothing from the start.

As for the rest of that sentence - into the sea with you. That’s ***. I may be green, but I know that’s not how it works.

‘You don’t sound very submissive to me.’

You hit the nail on the head. I’m not very submissive to YOU! This may well mean you don’t sound very dominant to me. I may not be so impolite, though, as your dom-ness may be too fragile to take it.

I’m sure, in fact, I know, there are many strong-minded, opinionated women on this site who are also submissive. They’re not submissive to anybody and everybody who turns up calling themselves a dom - they’re submissive to the Dom who can dominate them.

I imagine, too, some who crave domination may never find the right dom. It doesn’t mean they aren’t potentially a sub, though - just not yours. There’s no need to try to put those people down if they don’t want to submit to you - just deal with it.

Edited December 29, 2020 by Deleted Member

December 29, 2020

Yes yes yes. I want more likes to like this with.

December 29, 2020

Very well expressed...nice to see some straight talking, on the level narrative.

December 29, 2020

Messages and "Doms" like this are common, unfortunately, and only shows their lack of understanding of submissiveness. Yes you are a submissive, but any potential Dom has to earn your submission to them, not demand or expect it.

December 29, 2020

Very well written and so very true, too many of these judgements are said all too often

December 29, 2020

35 minutes ago, comehereboy said:

Yes yes yes. I want more likes to like this with.

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😂 Thank you. I love your enthusiasm! 😂

December 29, 2020

29 minutes ago, Dreamaway said:

Very well expressed...nice to see some straight talking, on the level narrative.

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I’m glad you liked it. Thank you.

December 29, 2020

Little louder for the gatekeepers at the back!

December 29, 2020

They are. Thankfully, they out themselves pretty quickly if you know what to look for. I figure any dom comfortable in his skin and his role wouldn’t want or need to use these tactics.

December 29, 2020

3 minutes ago, Lockfairy said:

They are. Thankfully, they out themselves pretty quickly if you know what to look for. I figure any dom comfortable in his skin and his role wouldn’t want or need to use these tactics.

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That was supposed to be a reply to MyMaster. 🙄

December 29, 2020

This is brilliant! I made my profile about a year ago but bottled out. Now I'm back and like doing a lot of reading and asking about my new sub side. Already I've been called a fake 😞, and that was from a "Dom" who wanted me to prove who I was and my submission. Thank you for eloquently putting in to words whats been in my head for years 🥰

December 29, 2020

Love this post! Absolutely brilliant! (wish id written it 😍😆) Thank you! 🙏

December 29, 2020

48 minutes ago, Dee1111 said:

Very well written and so very true, too many of these judgements are said all too often

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Thanks Dee, I agree. Often these judgements are levelled to pressure people to prove themselves somehow.

December 29, 2020

22 minutes ago, Lorali said:

This is brilliant! I made my profile about a year ago but bottled out. Now I'm back and like doing a lot of reading and asking about my new sub side. Already I've been called a fake 😞, and that was from a "Dom" who wanted me to prove who I was and my submission. Thank you for eloquently putting in to words whats been in my head for years 🥰

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Thanks Lorali. I’m glad I struck a chord. No dom worth his salt would dream of being so rude.

December 29, 2020

8 minutes ago, Bounty said:

Love this post! Absolutely brilliant! (wish id written it 😍😆) Thank you! 🙏

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Thank you so much! 😂

December 29, 2020

It stands to reason that submission must. e earned, worked for, cultivated. Like any other relationship. Yes, the sub must do so for the Dom as well.

But I think the key most Doms/Masters completely lose sight if is this : What you are going to find out is that the Master actually has the more complicated role between the two. The master also has the task of giving pleasure and discipline to the slave or sub, and is less focused on taking pleasure himself. A great deal of what you do as a Master will be for the benefit of a sub. You must derive pleasure from giving, and have a great desire to please a partner, and not simply take what you want.

The sub is in control, like it or not. The Master pleases the sub by giving her the discipline she wants. You are a facilitator of her fantasies. You are only given the power she consents to giving you, be it light bdsm or extreme TPE. You are given this by her choice and her choice alone.

If you do not agree, then perhaps Ds and Ms is not for you.

December 29, 2020

Brilliant insight

December 29, 2020

Perfect. Thank you for sharing this.

December 29, 2020

Couldn’t have wait it better myself. Well written. Doms, if they didn’t know this already should learn from this extremely accurate narrative. Thank you for your valuable contribution Lockfairy.

December 29, 2020

9 hours ago, Lockfairy said:

‘Are you a true sub?’

My first response to this question was, how can anyone who hasn’t experienced d/s know what they are? I know what I feel; I know what I want; I even know what I need, but a ‘true sub’? My second response was, what does being a ‘true sub’ even mean?

Sure, there are some hard and fast rules that all d/s relationships need to have. I may be green, but I make a point of reading deeply into subjects I’m interested in, asking questions of people who have experience and thinking about what I learn, so whilst my learning may largely be theoretical, it’s got a good solid base to it.

But, surely, outside of those ground rules, a d/s relationship can be whatever the people involved are comfortable with? Asking if someone is a ‘true sub’ is akin to saying they’re not worthy if they don’t fit one person’s preconceived notion as to what that means. It’s a put-down to anyone who stands outside that person’s parameters.

A person can be submissive to one dom, but find it impossible to be submissive to a second. Does that mean they’re not a ‘true sub’? No. It means the latter dom wasn’t right for them. In my opinion, if the latter were to turn round and say the sub wasn’t a ‘true sub’, it would say more about them and their understanding of d/s relationships than it would about the sub. It would say to me, ‘Behave as I expect, newbie, or I won’t affirm your role.’ But, like I say, I’m green - what do I know?

‘A lot of women over 40 who’ve been in crap relationships fantasise about d/s. If you can let a relative stranger blindfold you and use you as he wants ...’

So much wrong here, but let’s break it down ...

I don’t know if lots of women over 40 visit fetish sites looking for some titillation without really wanting the full d/s thing but, even if they do, you don’t get to make that generalisation about all women over 40. One of the first things I learned was the heightened importance of respect in d/s relationships. If you can’t respect a woman and treat her as an individual, you’re on a hiding to nothing from the start.

As for the rest of that sentence - into the sea with you. That’s ***. I may be green, but I know that’s not how it works.

‘You don’t sound very submissive to me.’

You hit the nail on the head. I’m not very submissive to YOU! This may well mean you don’t sound very dominant to me. I may not be so impolite, though, as your dom-ness may be too fragile to take it.

I’m sure, in fact, I know, there are many strong-minded, opinionated women on this site who are also submissive. They’re not submissive to anybody and everybody who turns up calling themselves a dom - they’re submissive to the Dom who can dominate them.

I imagine, too, some who crave domination may never find the right dom. It doesn’t mean they aren’t potentially a sub, though - just not yours. There’s no need to try to put those people down if they don’t want to submit to you - just deal with it.

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I think, Lockfairy, that you may be “green” as you term it, but your insight into d/s is something many never achieve. Kate (fellow woman over 40 👋🏻)

December 29, 2020

I think “true sub” just means wether you are only interested in being submissive other than switch where you like to be dominant sometimes ?

December 30, 2020

51 minutes ago, Rossco said:

I think “true sub” just means wether you are only interested in being submissive other than switch where you like to be dominant sometimes ?

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In the context I have talked about and in that of people I have spoken to, it means exactly what I have described.

December 30, 2020

59 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

I think, Lockfairy, that you may be “green” as you term it, but your insight into d/s is something many never achieve. Kate (fellow woman over 40 👋🏻)

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Thank you, Kate. I very much appreciate that. x

December 30, 2020

Lockfairy, I love your perspective. It really resonates with me. I’m still looking for my first Dom and have had a lot of comments on my submissiveness, how submissive I am and how it fits in for them. Now, I have no problem with Doms who are trying to find a match bug I’m referring to ‘Doms’ who believe that because I’m submissive I will do whatever they want, I will never say no, etc.
I am over 40 and it took me this long to be able to start exploring my true self, not to be ***d.
Thank you for your post!

December 30, 2020

3 hours ago, Mirixo said:

Lockfairy, I love your perspective. It really resonates with me. I’m still looking for my first Dom and have had a lot of comments on my submissiveness, how submissive I am and how it fits in for them. Now, I have no problem with Doms who are trying to find a match bug I’m referring to ‘Doms’ who believe that because I’m submissive I will do whatever they want, I will never say no, etc.
I am over 40 and it took me this long to be able to start exploring my true self, not to be ***d.
Thank you for your post!

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I’ve found my age (54) has also been used to question why I’m here at all - ‘what’s taken you so long?’ - as if finding out later in life means I’m faking it.

In fact, the reason I’m late to the party (late to everything) is the same reason why I need to be here - I have ADHD. I didn’t get diagnosed until my late 40s and it left a lot of stuff to be sorted out. This step seems a natural progression from that. I need the additional stimulation that BDSM provides to enjoy sex. There’s more it could help me with too, but that’s a topic for another post