The lockdown effect!

[Lillyth]

A few weeks into the first lockdown I found myself lurking in chat more and more until eventually I took a break from it completely. I noticed that chat was becoming increasingly toxic and unwelcoming to new people. I remember wondering to myself if this was due to the lockdown making people more agitated, and the effect of feeling cooped up making people a little more hostile in their interactions. Slowly things got a little better and I felt able to return and interact with people again.

I am sadly starting to notice the same negativity happening all over again. New people joining a Fetish chat room being jumped on for foolishly believing that they can talk about their kinks by others who then proceed to discuss their own.

New people not knowing what to expect and maybe making the odd, I guess what could be considered a perceived faux pas by more regular chatters and again being met with sarcasm and hostility.

This is a unique and difficult time for everyone and maybe some people come to chat as that may be their only escape at the moment, maybe for some it is the only interaction they have. 

I think I will retreat back to my lurking corner for a while and hope that chat returns to being a friendly, welcoming place for all.

This may be an unpopular post and is just a commentary on the way I see things and how sad it makes me, but as cliché as it sounds if you can be anything right now be kind.

 

[qu****]

Unfortunately this problem repeatedly occurs, and you're not the only one to find this, also I'm afraid to say it's nothing to do with the lockdown, it's been happening long before covid, that's one of the reasons I stopped using
chat

[Deleted Member]

I wonder if people have less and less patients and symultaniously have less and less to talk about generally.

The whole pandemic has had far reaching effects on all of us, our families, our work, our friendships and our freedoms. It not surprising that in this place, where perhaps we feel more free to express ourselves better than in the real world in my cases; people would be projecting their moods and frustrations on others without even realising.

There's no excuse for bad behaviour and bad manners, especially here, but perhaps reminding ourselves that everyone is dealing with their own battles and drama right now may help us not to bite so easily and let it slide, rather than adding fuel to the fire.

Just because someone may not be able to show kindness and respect doesn't mean we all need to indulge ourselves in that too. We can all be there for eachother even when the other person may be pushing everyone around them away.

The good news I keep reminding myself is that after the plague people celebrated with drunken orgies and feasts all over the world.

So maybe there is a silver lining on the horizon after all! 😎

[Deleted Member]

Never been on chat, I find the concept rather kind of cackling effect. Can’t follow conversation, always crossover and at the end nothing made sense.
As for negativity I think there is a flag system for the mod to intervene?
You also have the option to create your own room which you can control...

[qu****]

I've found this problem occurs on pretty much any site that has a chatroom feature

[UK****]

I have only been into chat once. Being a regular on chat groups of old I know how to behave and how not to. I also know that it's wise to judge the way a room behaves before bounding in with seize 10 shoes.

Before I could get any sort of feel for the room I was kicked out for not contributing!

If a mod felt that I should have joined in already the friendly approach would be to have a quiet word first surely?

[Deleted Member]

The chat is completely unwelcoming to new people, I have been in the chat and trying to join in the conversation and it’s a group that use it to talk to themselves and them alone. I don’t know about the toxic aspect of it but that does not surprise me.

[SP****]

Ive tried going to chat and end up leaving as I feel its just a group of friends chatting amongst themselves. It doesn't feel welcoming at all in my opinion

[Deleted Member]

I always feel like the new boy who falls over entering the classroom half way through the term .It’s a shame that the sensitivity we crave from others isn’t given in return. Would it be wrong to say that bitchy communication helps no one ?

[Deleted Member]

I definitely like the smaller chat rooms better. It seems like they are not as busy and can seem more welcoming to new people!

[qu****]

Not wrong at all, also if the few are so interested in only themselves use the other social media platforms they all talk to each other on

[qu****]

See Lillyth you are not alone 🤗🤗

[Lillyth]

  1 hour ago, quietlysure said:

Unfortunately this problem repeatedly occurs, and you're not the only one to find this, also I'm afraid to say it's nothing to do with the lockdown, it's been happening long before covid, that's one of the reasons I stopped using
chat

Expand  

I'm sorry that you have been made to feel that you can't use the chat rooms Quietly.

It may possibly be a bigger issue as you say but I just wanted to reflect upon my own perceptions of it.

[Lillyth]

  1 hour ago, KinkySirXxX said:

I wonder if people have less and less patients and symultaniously have less and less to talk about generally.

The whole pandemic has had far reaching effects on all of us, our families, our work, our friendships and our freedoms. It not surprising that in this place, where perhaps we feel more free to express ourselves better than in the real world in my cases; people would be projecting their moods and frustrations on others without even realising.

There's no excuse for bad behaviour and bad manners, especially here, but perhaps reminding ourselves that everyone is dealing with their own battles and drama right now may help us not to bite so easily and let it slide, rather than adding fuel to the fire.

Just because someone may not be able to show kindness and respect doesn't mean we all need to indulge ourselves in that too. We can all be there for eachother even when the other person may be pushing everyone around them away.

The good news I keep reminding myself is that after the plague people celebrated with drunken orgies and feasts all over the world.

So maybe there is a silver lining on the horizon after all! 😎

Expand  

I completely agree with this, thank you for your reply and your thoughts.

I don't enjoy engaging with bad mannered ajd rude people, however as you touched upon, I think calling them out and thus inadvertently encouraging the rest of the room to join in, will only serve to make that person act defensive and bite back, meaning nothing will be resolved. 

Bring on the feasts and orgies haha

[Deleted Member]

Lot of people won’t talk to you! If you haven’t talk to them on chat ? But to talk to them there it’s impossible 🙈

[Wo****]

I've been in chat a fair bit recently, mainly BDSM lovers and seen how some of the newbies act and how the regulars react.

 

An example... 

When someone comes into Bdsm Lovers, where the chat rules state to please adhere to etiquette and protocols like you would if out in your local dungeon/bdsm club, and then proceed to hit on someone's submissive in front of them often without even saying hi, and if they do, they address someone like, let's say, "MistressWhoever" as "who", it's not surprising if they get short shrift.

 

The only rudeness is from the rejected reprimanded rather than the disrespected members.

 

Or the newbies that come in mid convo and declare that they want this and that from anybody. Give out contact details, or promote their account or the ones that want to meet/hook up.

 

I've seen members been told to "fuck off" When they've politely asked to be addressed by their title (Mistress, Sir, Madam, whatever it is)

 

Newbies are greeted and welcomed in BDSM Lovers. Treated with respect despite getting a lot of *** and/Or disrespect from some of them.

Newbies messaging submissives despite being asked not to and told to "shut up and why are they in a chatroom if they won't PM with men"

 

I've only ever seen the regulars be helpful and welcoming with the odd gripe whereas I see more newbies being ignorant at best, downright rude and "entitled"

 

People are frustrated, bored, locked in with the pandemic, and horny.... coming onto a fetish site expecting to be instantly gratified.

 

All that said, there have been a fair few newbies that have made the effort to get to know people, learn about how everybody's dynamics work. Or just come in to chat rather than use it as free porn.

 

I've fast made some good friends in there, some I'll likely meet up with, maybe even play with and was always welcomed and included.

 

[Lillyth]

  2 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Never been on chat, I find the concept rather kind of cackling effect. Can’t follow conversation, always crossover and at the end nothing made sense.
As for negativity I think there is a flag system for the mod to intervene?
You also have the option to create your own room which you can control...

Expand  

It's not for everyone, I'm sorry you haven't enjoyed it.

Mods will always step in and support when a rule is broken or things are getting out of hand yes.

[Lillyth]

  1 hour ago, UK_Knight said:

I have only been into chat once. Being a regular on chat groups of old I know how to behave and how not to. I also know that it's wise to judge the way a room behaves before bounding in with seize 10 shoes.

Before I could get any sort of feel for the room I was kicked out for not contributing!

If a mod felt that I should have joined in already the friendly approach would be to have a quiet word first surely?

Expand  

Thank you for your reply. I agree that is how I approached the chat room when I first joined, but not everyone has the same approach or previous experience to draw upon so I would still always try to respond in a way that makes a new person feel welcome even if they did enter the room all guns blazing so to speak. 

I lurk a lot and the room automatically kicks you out if you are inactive, it's not a mod doing it.

Edited January 21, 2021 by Lillyth

[Philip2004]

I quite agree with this sentiment Lilly

[Jolene79]

Well said Lilly, I feel the same💖

[SammyB]

Evening Lily lovely , well
I can honestly say you have written everything i have repeatedly said over the last year

It has been highlighted in the forum yet we still have the same problem . I have spoken out both in chat and in forum when those behaviours you described have continued

It’s not fair on newbies at all And certainly many of the “old regs” like you and I are backing off and not interacting as regularly as we did

Thank you for raising the topic but sadly I don’t think those who are the culprits won’t read and see themselves in what you have described

I personally think the site need to take action because it isn’t a friendly welcoming safe space that it used to be

Sadly it is no longer a place where people can learn because some of the characters who are deemed or seen to be experienced and knowledgeable really are not to the point where incorrect information and advice is given .... which for newbies it is very dangerous

Anyway rant over lol
Once again lily as ever it lovely to see you and hear what you have to say and thank you as ever for sharing

[Chastity_Pup_Gabbia]

I lurk for similar reasons. I'm sad that you feel this way Lilly and support you in whatever you feel. Hopefully, this Covid and other things will cease and people, from whatever walks of life or fetish, new or longer members of the Fet community can get together and help each other through these times. Heart goes out to you. x

[Deleted Member]

The lurking corner just keeps growing and it’s full of experienced, kind, welcoming people which is a real shame.
I agree that something needs to be done to put a stop to the toxic atmosphere and make it more welcoming, somewhere everyone feels comfortable chatting rather than it being monopolised by those who seem to take pleasure in making others feel unwelcomed or uncomfortable.
I have to sit on my hands at times when I’m lurking to stop myself outing bad behaviour as I don’t feel it’s my place and also am not one for confrontation.
I know the pandemic has affected my mood, has made me more sensitive but has also made me feel more lonely, which is something I haven’t experienced before so go into chat to have some form of human contact. For the most part I just sit in my corner, lurking and learning (although that has lessened a lot recently).
Maybe the site will take what you’ve said on board Lilly and try to do something positive to improve the atmosphere in chat.
Great subject and I’m hoping all chat users read it and take it on board.

[Deleted Member]

Now you know how I felt when I first got here. People are not friendly unless you’re an attractive female then all the hungry wolves attack and ladies always show each other love. They say “Hi” to everyone and it stops there, if that. If I say Hi to random ppl wanting to make friends they somehow, sometimes, as or something non consensual. I was literally told by someone’s Dom to please NOT say Hi to his gf/sub.... literally not even sure if I did and that was just straight weird. Ppl want to impose their views on you not accepting we all have different views and that’s ok but never try to impose and especially not judge others for their kinks. I tried making friends but chat is just a horror show and every time I try I just get fed up or bored and leave. Now I just meet ppl in the feed or ads and chat thru direct message if they don’t want to talk that’s fine but I don’t like chat anymore never have. It is what it is.

[Ju****]

aw lil!!! what a shame to read this! :( 

i agree things have been really horrid on there lately. ive not really bothered as much over last few weeks, some peoples dont realise their behaviour and i just sit back and lurk a bit more than i use to. 

its a tough one when comes to newbies as some are so friendly and interested in learning and respectful and some are just private mailing whoever and saying all sorts of inappropriate content, advertising their details or trying to sell stuff or whatever. and they do get a bit angsty when told to check chat rules. but the rest are there to dive into this community and learn and i think its awful if anyone kink shames another.

we should all feel this is a safe place to talk about our likes, fetishes, kinks etc and not one persons kink is any more or less important than the other.

i do think maybe lockdown can play a part, some people seem to be a bit more sensitive or aggressive at times and everyones in a heightened state of emotions right now. 

we should all be getting along, making things welcoming for everyone no matter who they are.

i love that you came back and would be sad to see you sit out again lil. hope things can get better so everyone can enjoy the chat together again. <3