Triggers and convo in lobby.

[Ju****]

I get there have been a lot of conversations as of late due to things in the lobby being tense, and while we can only work on these as adults and try to get along one thing i am unsure if discussed, is certain content getting blurted out during a regular conversation in the lobby. 

i might get a lot of hate for this, or call me sensitive but i think people need to be more mindful of the content they just randomly spill out in the lobby. i get that we are a wide range of people, with different experiences and backgrounds, lives that we have lived and things we have over come. 

 

but personally i think some things should NOT be mentioned in there. 

Last night i was in the middle of a part lurk, part conversation with a lot of people (everyone was getting along, no drama).

all of a sudden someone just randomly mentioned ***play. which i get is a thing amongst many people. BUT the very next comment was about how they/or discussion of child ***/molestation.

I instantly got triggered by the first comment and the second one came without warning and absolutely sent me spiralling. i immediately said i was "out" and left the lobby.

No warning of either topic that i noticed but i personally dont think that ANYONE should be mentioning anything to do with child *** or similar distressing content in there. this is an adult fetish site and even the R word is a risky one.

 

we arent allowed to mention ***, hell me and others got chastised and told off for saying "fuck" in the lobby yet R and child *** was being mentioned? why is this ok and the word "fuck" isnt?

i get we have freedom of s***ch but this isnt the first time child *** or any form of R or assult has been mentioned in there and people seem to use it as an "its ok i was ***d thats why i can speak like this" way of approach. (i have literally seen someone use this)

what about the other people who have been R or ***d? these comments are highly insensitive and extremely triggering for a lot of people. myself included. 

perhaps a rule on here should be not to be mentioning any kind of *** on a minor and be mindful that R talk can trigger any member whos experienced it and not as focused on having us scolded like *** for saying "fuck." 

 

one more instance of R or child *** in that lobby i am done with it. i was up twice in the night with nightmares due to one persons insensitive comments just mentioning both things. that all it takes. i am sure i am not alone. 

let the hate come at me for speaking up. no doubt it will but maybe something can be amended to have a limit on discussion of such sensitive nature. 

Edited January 25, 2021 by JenniferTP
typo or word missing

[Deleted Member]

I wasn't there so cannot comment but I can say any hate for this would be shameful. Speaking up is surely the only way we as a group of like minded ***ps can find a common middle ground where all feel comfortable. I think the "speaking up" is something we need a lot more of, and have been banging this drum for a while now.

[Deleted Member]

I’m with you Jennifer it’s two subjects that make me very uncomfortable and as I’m having a shit day I’ll join you in saying ( FUCK ) now they can hate both of us lol 😈

[Deleted Member]

basically the mods need to be paying better attention. AT ALL TIMES. (maybe fetishdotcom could pay their mods? give them incentive to do their job more acurately) and, ideally all be on the same page.
more clear rules on the swearing stuff.
if people wanna talk about R play.. then they should go into a different chat room. maybe even with a 18+ age check restriction to the room.
either way, there should be NO talk about any child stuff. ever. mods need to be more vigilant, removing any instance of it coming up.

[Ju****]

  1 minute ago, Laurah said:

basically the mods need to be paying better attention. AT ALL TIMES. (maybe fetishdotcom could pay their mods? give them incentive to do their job more acurately) and, ideally all be on the same page.
more clear rules on the swearing stuff.
if people wanna talk about R play.. then they should go into a different chat room. maybe even with a 18+ age check restriction to the room.
either way, there should be NO talk about any child stuff. ever. mods need to be more vigilant, removing any instance of it coming up.

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yes i think there should be someone in there 24/7 to be honest. its the only way to stop shit escalating but the lobby is a safe place to discuss stuff never ever did i think R play was gonna crop up never mind child ***!!!

even a sperate room for me personally is too far. its *** or a play based off *** and even the word triggers me. i personally cant cope with it or chat of it. and for someone to throw it into a room just so matter of fact the way they did. i will now avoid that person like the plague. 

not only were they insensitive but caused me such distress to a seriously bad level last night. no consideration whatsoever. 

 

18+ checks would be a good idea also for chatting in any room tbh but i do agree the mods should be paid. maybe though they can focus less on the word "fuck" and maybe put that effort into instances where *** and *** are mentioned. (its not every mod and they all do a great job, i just dont get the hate on the use of "fuck") regardless thats not important, the main issue is possibly something to minimalise the use of trigger topics/words

[Deleted Member]

That is a valid point and one to definitely follow. I would never mention it for sure.

[Wo****]

  26 minutes ago, Laurah said:

basically the mods need to be paying better attention. AT ALL TIMES. (maybe fetishdotcom could pay their mods? give them incentive to do their job more acurately) and, ideally all be on the same page.
more clear rules on the swearing stuff.
if people wanna talk about R play.. then they should go into a different chat room. maybe even with a 18+ age check restriction to the room.
either way, there should be NO talk about any child stuff. ever. mods need to be more vigilant, removing any instance of it coming up.

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It's not the mods.... they are volunteers and they do crack down on these types of chat incidents.

"Do their jobs more accurately"? It's not a job, it's done because they care about the site.

It's impossible to moderate the chatroom 24/7 without a large number of mods. There are only a handful who do their best.

[Deleted Member]

It's very tricky and I'm sorry you had this experience. 

It is an 18+ website and CNC is a popular kink. 

Noobs (we were all there once) had to find the right words and lobby is space to do that i think. 

We also know (current theory) that there's a strong connection between kink n early trauma and again many like to explore this sensitively and safely. 

I think each person has to keep themselves safe and know their limits and triggers and decide what's right for them. 

I'm not sure that stopping trigger topics would work as we would literally be left with food and boobs.

I hope opinions on the thread draw out some helpful thoughts for you

🔥🔥🔥

[Wo****]

  23 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

yes i think there should be someone in there 24/7 to be honest. its the only way to stop shit escalating but the lobby is a safe place to discuss stuff never ever did i think R play was gonna crop up never mind child ***!!!

even a sperate room for me personally is too far. its *** or a play based off *** and even the word triggers me. i personally cant cope with it or chat of it. and for someone to throw it into a room just so matter of fact the way they did. i will now avoid that person like the plague. 

not only were they insensitive but caused me such distress to a seriously bad level last night. no consideration whatsoever. 

 

18+ checks would be a good idea also for chatting in any room tbh but i do agree the mods should be paid. maybe though they can focus less on the word "fuck" and maybe put that effort into instances where *** and *** are mentioned. (its not every mod and they all do a great job, i just dont get the hate on the use of "fuck") regardless thats not important, the main issue is possibly something to minimalise the use of trigger topics/words

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Fuck is a great word!

're trigger topics. Where do you draw the line? The R topic is so very sensitive. Being a survivour of it, I get it. It's not a trigger for me. Something like medical play is so how does one handle it?

With topics like *** or R, then I don't think it should be discussed anywhere but then where does that leave CNC talk,? Probably not in the lobby. As mentioned, maybe a separate room with a trigger warning but then are we encouraging it?

 

I'm all for freedom of s***ch but surely, there are certain things not up for discussion... at least in main chat.

 

My triggers are MY triggers, is it up to others to anticipate what they may be?

R doesn't trigger me yet I appreciate it may trigger others. Who's responsibility is it?

 

 

I agree R and *** shouldn't have a place in the lobby but is it black and white?

[Ju****]

  8 minutes ago, Bounty said:

It's not the mods.... they are volunteers and they do crack down on these types of chat incidents.

"Do their jobs more accurately"? It's not a job, it's done because they care about the site.

It's impossible to moderate the chatroom 24/7 without a large number of mods. There are only a handful who do their best.

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i dont think laurahs comment was meant in an offensive way, knowing her personaly i know the manner this is sai, but i do know that its not a job as such,

 

one mod seems to pick out and chastise for a single use of the word fuck yet nothing is said or done when someone starts mentioning child molestation. besides the one probem with that word being picked out i cant fault any of the mods at all. but these things shouldnt come up in a general chat room.

 

 

[Wo****]

  2 minutes ago, JenniferTP said:

i dont think laurahs comment was meant in an offensive way, knowing her personaly i know the manner this is sai, but i do know that its not a job as such,

 

one mod seems to pick out and chastise for a single use of the word fuck yet nothing is said or done when someone starts mentioning child molestation. besides the one probem with that word being picked out i cant fault any of the mods at all. but these things shouldnt come up in a general chat room.

 

 

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Sorry if I prickled....  tell you what, goes to show how something could be read several ways. It's hard with text, there's no tone or inflection.

 

Absolutely no argument with your second point x

[Ju****]

  6 minutes ago, Firewitch said:

It's very tricky and I'm sorry you had this experience. 

It is an 18+ website and CNC is a popular kink. 

Noobs (we were all there once) had to find the right words and lobby is space to do that i think. 

We also know (current theory) that there's a strong connection between kink n early trauma and again many like to explore this sensitively and safely. 

I think each person has to keep themselves safe and know their limits and triggers and decide what's right for them. 

I'm not sure that stopping trigger topics would work as we would literally be left with food and boobs.

I hope opinions on the thread draw out some helpful thoughts for you

🔥🔥🔥

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i respect that fire, but cnc wasnt the topic that i seen. 

R play was mentioned and my stomach churned but then directly after was about child molestation. sorry no. child molestation shouldnt be mentioned at all!!! and this was not from any newbie either. this was a regular. 

 

i get people have their traumas, hell i have mine. but R being mentioned....

thats forcing yourself on someone against their will. stealing a part of their soul from that persons body. 

there are so many people on here. we all have a shit at least once a day. not everyone has been R'd. but some have. some cant deal with it. a general chat room to fire that out allof a sudden was bad enough never mind the next comment escalating to molestation of a child.

in my eyes this was insensitive and extremely cruel to mention in there. whether its happened to that person or not they werent mindful that about 20 other people were in there and they have no idea who has been through what.

just cus it doesnt upset one doesnt mean it cant push someone to the point of severe distress and god knows what else. 

 

point being cant talk about poo or say fuck yet can say R and *** of a child?! in a fetish chatroom. that doesnt sit right with me. that person caused me unimagineable distress last night, *** and flashbacks that i didnt expect to have by just being present. 

this repy also may suit a reply to your comment @Bounty so thank you both ladies for your replies xx

[Ju****]

  1 minute ago, Bounty said:

Sorry if I prickled....  tell you what, goes to show how something could be read several ways. It's hard with text, there's no tone or inflection.

 

Absolutely no argument with your second point x

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oh yes its very hard to read text, i can hear this said in laurahs reasoning voice, she wont mean any form of insult to any mod. but can see that we are warned for saying a swear word... yet someone may speak about *** of a minor with no consequence. 

i was jusst very upset and i even found this whole post extremely distressing to write but i felt it needed addressed. a sperate room for cnc of a violent nature (which R is) is perhaps the best way but to me under no circumstances should minors or their *** be mentioned. we dont know who has suffered what and cus one person can deal with their past ok doesnt mean it can seriously affect the next one. 

[SammyB]

There has always been a rule in chat where if someone is uncomfortable with the content of chat they can ask for a topic change

This has happened on a number of occasions and on a whole most are respectful when it’s requested

I also believe myself included
If there are topics we or I am not comfortable with that I/we need to take responsibility for our own feelings
and leave should we feel that things are moving in a direction where we might feel uncomfortable particularly is there is a good conversation happening

It’s a tricky tricky topic and there are many people and many topics
There’s always certain topics that cause issues

Again for me it about being kind to one another and ourselves

[Deleted Member]

Yea that stuff should not be a fetish at all. It’s all kinds of wrong. And this is an adult site. I think only difference is if the person was sharing there own experience/trauma as a child obviously not as a fetish but sharing their experience and even then that’s still too personal to share in a public random chat. Yes people have their own personal R”play fantasies that’s their own business. But never never ever NEVER fucking ever no damn fetish involving ***. I honestly think that’s some kind of fucked up mental disorder or just a fucked up mind.

But, whenever you don’t like a topic or conversation, simply leave. There’s no need to announce it to anyone. Just leave and ignore the chat is is what I do. If it’s any other uncomfortable topic. But when it’s an illegal immoral horrible one like that report it to the admins so they can take care of it. We also all have our triggers and in my experience just getting involved makes a mess you can’t always fight everyone and change their beliefs. Sometimes the best thing is just to leave and when it’s an illegal thing like that report.

[Ju****]

  3 minutes ago, SammyB said:

There has always been a rule in chat where if someone is uncomfortable with the content of chat they can ask for a topic change

This has happened on a number of occasions and on a whole most are respectful when it’s requested

I also believe myself included
If there are topics we or I am not comfortable with that I/we need to take responsibility for our own feelings
and leave should we feel that things are moving in a direction where we might feel uncomfortable particularly is there is a good conversation happening

It’s a tricky tricky topic and there are many people and many topics
There’s always certain topics that cause issues

Again for me it about being kind to one another and ourselves

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thanks for your comment sammy.

 

i do agree that it is a tricky topic. the R topic literally came out of no where as nothing cnc that i seen was being discussed. perhaps i was blinded but it was so BAM just there it threw me. it hit me like a wall then the very next comment was child molestation. no one could have seen that coming and it appeared quicker than i coud blink. 

i did leave. i said "im out" and i left as fast as i could, but the damage was already done. i do have responsibity for my own feelings though and would have left with the mention of R, had i even seen it was going that direction i would have got out of there as fast as i could but for any form of child *** to be mentioned.....in here. how is that right? whether people are consider or speaking from life experience why is someone able to discuss a child being ***d but we cant talk about poo. thats a childs life ruined and many people in distress if theyve been through that. people can somewhat expect cnc may bring out the R word. no one would expect a child being assulted to be mentioned. thats my problem, why someone felt the need to mention that on a fetish site, or why it was allowed without consequence. 

 

just more sensitive and life altering trauma such as a person being violated to the extremist levels i dont think should be mentioned in there. 

someone says ok lets talk about having ***d play? anyone not want to join in please leave or the topic can be dropped if preferred. fine, thats respectful for everyone present.

but to have it blurted out was bad enough, the mention os a child just sent me spiralling. 

i agree we should all have repsect for one another but i felt this wasnt approached in a repsectful way. i am a very damaged individual due to my experiences and had i not been stronger this behaviour may have sent me out of control in my own head last night, thats what is scary. xx

[Deleted Member]

This is getting close to kink shaming people. I have huge sympathy for those triggered by conversations or indeed other people’s kinks. I thought that any mention of *** is banned in any event - I’ve certainly seen it stamped down on before in the lobby. But I do think the response should be to leave the lobby if the subject is upsetting you. Not to police topics. There will be people who are triggered by knives or guns or needles. Where is the line drawn and who draws the line?

[Ju****]

  11 minutes ago, DaddioDom said:

Yea that stuff should not be a fetish at all. It’s all kinds of wrong. And this is an adult site. I think only difference is if the person was sharing there own experience/trauma as a child obviously not as a fetish but sharing their experience and even then that’s still too personal to share in a public random chat. Yes people have their own personal R”play fantasies that’s their own business. But never never ever NEVER fucking ever no damn fetish involving ***. I honestly think that’s some kind of fucked up mental disorder or just a fucked up mind.

But, whenever you don’t like a topic or conversation, simply leave. There’s no need to announce it to anyone. Just leave and ignore the chat is is what I do. If it’s any other uncomfortable topic. But when it’s an illegal immoral horrible one like that report it to the admins so they can take care of it. We also all have our triggers and in my experience just getting involved makes a mess you can’t always fight everyone and change their beliefs. Sometimes the best thing is just to leave and when it’s an illegal thing like that report.

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thanks for your comment.

i dont believe it was mentioned in a fetish way, it was either a personal experience or comparing something to a child being molested. either one i think to mention in a chat room such as here, shouldnt happen. that person had no check on how many or who was in there. i have expressed may times that R play was a massive trigger for me and i have had to leave before.  but as soon as i seen R mentioned i went to leave but the child comment was already there. 

people should know in genera to not talk about any form of child ***, cus of how unsettling and upsetting it is. thats something, which if it has happpened to someone they confide in people they trust or a partner or whatever. not a chat room of 20-30 people from all over the globe. relaistically we dont even know what kind of people are in here and chidrens *** shoudnt be mentioned at al. the R i know is cnc and sensitive to me. 

but its allowed mentioned and fuck or poo isnt. i dont get it. i hope some form of a rule can appear where *** of *** can be made prohibited. i dont think thats unreasonable

[Wo****]

  1 minute ago, JenniferTP said:

but its allowed mentioned and fuck or poo isnt. i dont get it. i hope some form of a rule can appear where *** of *** can be made prohibited. i dont think thats unreasonable

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The mods work hard to act on anything involving underage topics. *** of *** IS prohibited.

[Ju****]

  5 minutes ago, Curvykate said:

This is getting close to kink shaming people. I have huge sympathy for those triggered by conversations or indeed other people’s kinks. I thought that any mention of *** is banned in any event - I’ve certainly seen it stamped down on before in the lobby. But I do think the response should be to leave the lobby if the subject is upsetting you. Not to police topics. There will be people who are triggered by knives or guns or needles. Where is the line drawn and who draws the line?

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knives gun needles are objects in the world.

R is forcing yourself on someone and taking a part of them or their body you dont have consent to do. as above i can get the reasoning that its a form of cnc and if im uncomfy i should leave. but to mention it in a public general room...thats iffy to me but whatever. 

the main part is child ***. why mention child *** or molestation ANYWHERE on a fetish site. 

if thats a kink to shame then sorry i will shame it. il never ever condone any behaviour of ruining a childs life. 

 

the R play was the start of it. that triggered me. im not kink shaming that either but suggesting maybe another room be made. *** is popular but not allowed in there....why is R?? could very well say the prohited chat of *** is being shamed then? same concept to me. 

*** tho. no. never is it ok to talk about. 

[Deleted Member]

There is a song, that i avoid, put it together with the video and even now,12 years later it still brings me to my knees. As is ones choice at times music videos are posted ftom time to time from various members, its that easy and it wouldnt be the posters fault for making my day poor. Yes its very vanilla compared to the examples here but the outcome can be very simillar, yet I enjoy the rougher end of things sexually😊. We are so so different, all of us, unique.

[Wo****]

It's NOT permitted in chat.

Any illegal act is prohibited. R is illegal. R fantasy isn't.

Therein lies a difference.

If R fantasy is a trigger, then I believe it's down to us to accept that, which I think Jen, you are.

 

Child *** is illegal. Not up for discussion. Trigger topics are, and I think should be within consenting parties.

 

[Ju****]

  2 minutes ago, Primal*** said:

There is a song, that i avoid, put it together with the video and even now,12 years later it still brings me to my knees. As is ones choice at times music videos are posted ftom time to time from various members, its that easy and it wouldnt be the posters fault for making my day poor. Yes its very vanilla compared to the examples here but the outcome can be very simillar, yet I enjoy the rougher end of things sexually😊. We are so so different, all of us, unique.

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i am a little unsure of the meaning of this comment. but i agree things a bit rougher but R play is a very fine line that i dare not cross or let someone do to me knowing what i have personally faced.

on someones profile thats in their own space, this was said without warning in a public chat with almost 20-30 others present. no one asked to have mention of child ***. the R comment was enough to make me get out of there due to MY feeling on it. had i have seen it was possibly taking that route i would have chosen to leave before any upset. 

but we cant tak about a fetish of one kind which is basically a natural human way of life but can discuss voilent ones confuses me. 

i respect we are all different but i also feel *** like that or a minor hasnt got a place in a general room due to the fact we dont know who it can seriousy damage

[Deleted Member]

Ok so I mean this in the nicest way possible and appreciate that tone doesn’t come across well in text form but this post is tantamount to kink shaming those that enjoy a specific style of CNC interactions.
That’s NOT ok.
The basis of this website is that you consent to see the chat by attending the chat, if you are sensitive to topics such as the one described perhaps you could make the decision to leave chat when it pops up rather than wait around for it to get worse. Talk to a friend and reach out to others. You can also post directly into the chat room something along the lines of “ I’m not comfortable discussing or witnessing this so I shall leave”
Child based anything is 100% NOT OK in any of the rooms and that’s just common sense but if a user was expressing their lived experience and sharing, who are you to try to silence them. Take responsibility for your own triggers and manage them accordingly.

Now that all being said, I do believe there should be a room where the more controversial topics can be brought up. The key word for chat at the minute is inclusivity and by creating a thread because you didn’t like a topic someone brought up is not inclusive.
Is it not your (generally speaking not your specifically) responsibility to manage your own emotions rather than censor those that can and do talk.
If you were bothered by it then perhaps you should have called a mod and had the chat moved on or asked for it to move on yourself. It is not anyone else’s responsibility to navigate other people’s triggers. It’s unrealistic to expect such a thing. There are of course things that you can utilise to avoid seeing words that might trigger you. Blocking users. Ignoring them, avoiding chat during those conversations etc etc.
I am sorry you had a negative experience and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone but it’s a fact of life that you will see things you don’t like.

[Ju****]

  4 minutes ago, Bounty said:

It's NOT permitted in chat.

Any illegal act is prohibited. R is illegal. R fantasy isn't.

Therein lies a difference.

If R fantasy is a trigger, then I believe it's down to us to accept that, which I think Jen, you are.

 

Child *** is illegal. Not up for discussion. Trigger topics are, and I think should be within consenting parties.

 

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yes i get that and as you said i have accepted the fantasy is a form of cnc. child molestation is not. thats my main concern. why it was even mentioned was upsetting enough. perhaps it needs to be made clearer than child *** shouldnt be mentioned on any level then cus some people obv dont realise this. R stuff i get out as fast as i can asi know that will upset me. i just didnt expect it to go from cnc R play to child *** within two comments.