Falling in love with my sub

[Deleted Member]

I would like to know if any one has had similar experiences and if any advice can be given.

I made a really dick move.  I fell in love with my sub. It happened very quickly and I thought it was reciprocal but it turned out it wasn't. 

I felt hurt and I behaved in a horrible jealous, hurt immature way. Now it is over and I'm left feeling lonely and like I've lost something quite big inside me. Possibly the desire to be a dom. I dont know.  My head and heart are all over the place and I know I should have never fallen for this girl.

Please help....

[Deleted Member]

Hey.

Firstly it's not a dick move, we can't help where our emotions take us and I went through exactly the same 18 months ago. The first real connection I made kinkwise and it eventually brought me, like you, to my knees. It felt like I'd lost an arm, been robbed of something special and initially I was so so angry, not with her, with me, for allowing myself to be drawn into something deeply emotional. Even now I still think of her and I like you made mistakes, in a way I drove her away but as in all things I took the lesson.

 

Sadly mate there is no cure, there is no quick fix. Only time can ease that *** but right now I know that helps in no way whatsoever. It's a case of one day at a time, and eventually that lead ball you feel deep in your gut does fade. When I first stepped into this scene it was with the foolish notion that the emotions would not be as extreme, as strong as they can be in vanilla and i soon learned if anything it's the other way around. I won't say chin up as I hate that saying, as at times it's impossible to keep our chins up,  but I will say one foot in front of the other, and one day you will wake feeling a bit better. Time mate, that's all it takes 😊.

On my wall if you wish to read there is a link "Just a story but a real one" it may help in as far as it shows you are far from alone.

Edited January 27, 2021 by Deleted Member
Better choice of words

[Deleted Member]

I am sorry that you are in a bad place right now. We all have been there once and it’s an horrible feeling. I know it’s a cliche but time is the key, it will eventually go away. In the meantime try to keep busy as much as you can and even have a break from the fetish site. Not sure what kind of hobby you have but try to distract your mind as much as possible, running is a good method too.
Now to avoid making that mistake again, during the communication and connection, make sure your D/s relationship stay within a certain level of emotion. Ask if she’s looking for love as well or just a “bedroom” type.
In this type of relationship is easy to get confused and assuming because of the level of intimacy. The physical and mind practice go beyond what’s happened in the vanilla world and some people get confused by it, infatuated and forgot that the other partner have different feelings. I know it’s hard to control all of it but if you don’t want to be hurt again you need to learn about it the right way.

[x-nyteshade-x]

It’s soo easy for the chemicals in our brain to created feels when we mess with these kinds of things. Don’t feel bad, it shows your a human and that something that shouldn’t ever be a bad thing. Many of us have been guilty of being a bit over enthusiastic with something / someone when it’s all new and shiny. Be kind to yourself and heal and grow. The next subbie that comes along will be grateful that you did. X

[Deleted Member]

55 minutes ago, Primal*** said:

Hey.

Firstly it's not a dick move, we can't help where our emotions take us and I went through exactly the same 18 months ago. The first real connection I made kinkwise and it eventually brought me, like you, to my knees. It felt like I'd lost an arm, been robbed of something special and initially I was so so angry, not with her, with me, for allowing myself to be drawn into something deeply emotional. Even now I still think of her and I like you made mistakes, in a way I drove her away but as in all things I took the lesson.

 

Sadly mate there is no cure, there is no quick fix. Only time can ease that *** but right now I know that helps in no way whatsoever. It's a case of one day at a time, and eventually that lead ball you feel deep in your gut does fade. When I first stepped into this scene it was with the foolish notion that the emotions would not be as extreme, as strong as they can be in vanilla and i soon learned if anything it's the other way around. I won't say chin up as I hate that saying, as at times it's impossible to keep our chins up,  but I will say one foot in front of the other, and one day you will wake feeling a bit better. Time mate, that's all it takes 😊.

On my wall if you wish to read there is a link "Just a story but a real one" it may help in as far as it shows you are far from alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words mate.

And yes everything you have said applies to me at the moment. 

I ended up driving her away through being immature and jealous and vindictive. 

I kind of hate myself for doing that as there may have been a chance we could have stayed friends but a destructive aspect of me knew that I had to make her hate me and feel just an iota of hurt that I was feeling...in a way driving her away so there was absolutely no chance of hope.

It's all so screwed up in my mind. I started with her thinking I will not let my emotions get involved...maybe it was part of her game to pretend she was falling in love too.

After an amazing but extreme session with her...I felt this love hit a new level...at that point she stopped us. I may have scared her away?

I know the intensity of this loss will fade with time. Your words have helped a great deal.  Thank you.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, FabSeverus said:

I am sorry that you are in a bad place right now. We all have been there once and it’s an horrible feeling. I know it’s a cliche but time is the key, it will eventually go away. In the meantime try to keep busy as much as you can and even have a break from the fetish site. Not sure what kind of hobby you have but try to distract your mind as much as possible, running is a good method too.
Now to avoid making that mistake again, during the communication and connection, make sure your D/s relationship stay within a certain level of emotion. Ask if she’s looking for love as well or just a “bedroom” type.
In this type of relationship is easy to get confused and assuming because of the level of intimacy. The physical and mind practice go beyond what’s happened in the vanilla world and some people get confused by it, infatuated and forgot that the other partner have different feelings. I know it’s hard to control all of it but if you don’t want to be hurt again you need to learn about it the right way.

Thank you for your words. 

They really do help. I will do as much as I can to keep my mind occupied and focus on other things.

And yes...next time I will evaluate the situation better and I will do it better.

I guess what has happened can be seen as a blessing as I now have an opportunity to learn.

Thank you again for taking the time to talk. 

[Deleted Member]

21 minutes ago, x-nyteshade-x said:

It’s soo easy for the chemicals in our brain to created feels when we mess with these kinds of things. Don’t feel bad, it shows your a human and that something that shouldn’t ever be a bad thing. Many of us have been guilty of being a bit over enthusiastic with something / someone when it’s all new and shiny. Be kind to yourself and heal and grow. The next subbie that comes along will be grateful that you did. X

Thank you.

You are right.  I will use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

I kind of wish sometimes we/I could go through this with no emotion but I know deep down I don't want to be a cold person. 

I like who I am and I like that I feel. 

I will just be more cautious in the future and not give myself so readily. 

Thank you again. 

[Deleted Member]

16 minutes ago, DaddyDomBDSM said:

Thank you so much for your kind words mate.

And yes everything you have said applies to me at the moment. 

I ended up driving her away through being immature and jealous and vindictive. 

I kind of hate myself for doing that as there may have been a chance we could have stayed friends but a destructive aspect of me knew that I had to make her hate me and feel just an iota of hurt that I was feeling...in a way driving her away so there was absolutely no chance of hope.

It's all so screwed up in my mind. I started with her thinking I will not let my emotions get involved...maybe it was part of her game to pretend she was falling in love too.

After an amazing but extreme session with her...I felt this love hit a new level...at that point she stopped us. I may have scared her away?

I know the intensity of this loss will fade with time. Your words have helped a great deal.  Thank you.

All this, every bit is pretty much the same as what I experienced. As I say though I took a lesson from it and it did change me in fundamental ways. Im more guarded now and not emotionless as such, just careful shall we say as to how easily I will let another in. Even now I think of her,  every ***y day and because it fucked with my head so much just like you I created some spite, to drive a permanent wedge between us. We tried friends and it was too much, hence the spite, but now I regret that bitterly as she never misled or lied to me. It was as you say to push her away even more and my last instructuon which again i regret bitterly was "block me on all forms of media, block my number and never contaxt me again" which was the manchild in me, but again I regret as now I feel we could be friends.

Edited January 27, 2021 by Deleted Member
Spelling

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, Primal*** said:

All this, every bit is pretty much the same as what I experienced. As I say though I took a lesson from it and it did change me in fundamental ways. Im more guarded now and not emotionless as such, just careful shall we say as to how easily I will let another in. Even now I think of here, every ***y day and because if fucked with my head so much just like you I created some spite, to drive a permanent wedge between us. We tried friends and it was too much, hence the spite, but now I regret that bitterly as she never misled or lied to me. It was as you say to push her away even more and my last instructuon which again i regret bitterly was "block me on all forms of media, block my number and never contaxt me again" which was the manchild in me, but again I regret as now I feel we could be friends.

I hear you.  I just read your profile page.

Amazing! 

You say it like it is. I really respect the way you have told prospective subs who you are and what to expect.

I may take a leaf out if your book and write something personal for myself. 

I'm just about to read that link on your page that told me about.

Honestly...thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me.

Its really appreciated. 

32 minutes ago, x-nyteshade-x said:

It’s soo easy for the chemicals in our brain to created feels when we mess with these kinds of things. Don’t feel bad, it shows your a human and that something that shouldn’t ever be a bad thing. Many of us have been guilty of being a bit over enthusiastic with something / someone when it’s all new and shiny. Be kind to yourself and heal and grow. The next subbie that comes along will be grateful that you did. X

Thank you.

You are right.  I will use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

I kind of wish sometimes we/I could go through this with no emotion but I know deep down I don't want to be a cold person. 

I like who I am and I like that I feel. 

I will just be more cautious in the future and not give myself so readily. 

Thank you again. 

[Carnelian2]

@DaddyDomBDSM - I am an emotional guy, so my emotions always get in the way
I have tried just cutting contact, which is brutal and does not really deal with the *** other than getting rid of the reminders.
I have also tried the "grown-up" thing which is to try to establish and maintain a friendly connection. It works better, but also requires me to rationalise and be sensible - both of which are easier said that done!

I love the connection in a bondage session, and of course it is an emotional connection - but then that is part of the experience that you get and part of the attraction. In short, I could not really see this without emotions being involved. Emotions are unpredictable, so we just need to be prepared and deal with them responsively.

To repeat myself: Easier said than done ..

 

[x-nyteshade-x]

55 minutes ago, DaddyDomBDSM said:

Thank you.

You are right.  I will use this as an opportunity to learn and grow. 

I kind of wish sometimes we/I could go through this with no emotion but I know deep down I don't want to be a cold person. 

I like who I am and I like that I feel. 

I will just be more cautious in the future and not give myself so readily. 

Thank you again. 

Please don’t drop the emotion. Too many D types compartmentalize themselves as a means of protecting themselves. But in the long run you sell yourself and those that you care about short. There will be someone who is compatible and right for you out there. If you need a friendly ear. I’m generally good for an odd message or two. Healing hugs. Xx

[Deleted Member]

29 minutes ago, x-nyteshade-x said:

Please don’t drop the emotion. Too many D types compartmentalize themselves as a means of protecting themselves. But in the long run you sell yourself and those that you care about short. There will be someone who is compatible and right for you out there. If you need a friendly ear. I’m generally good for an odd message or two. Healing hugs. Xx

Thank you. 

I will try to not let myself be bitter and instead know that love can happen for both people...just not in this case.

I need to compartmentalise and protect to an extent but also I need to learn, mature and grow from this experience so that I am better prepared next time. 

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me.

[Deleted Member]

41 minutes ago, Carnelian2 said:

@DaddyDomBDSM - I am an emotional guy, so my emotions always get in the way
I have tried just cutting contact, which is brutal and does not really deal with the *** other than getting rid of the reminders.
I have also tried the "grown-up" thing which is to try to establish and maintain a friendly connection. It works better, but also requires me to rationalise and be sensible - both of which are easier said that done!

I love the connection in a bondage session, and of course it is an emotional connection - but then that is part of the experience that you get and part of the attraction. In short, I could not really see this without emotions being involved. Emotions are unpredictable, so we just need to be prepared and deal with them responsively.

To repeat myself: Easier said than done ..

 

Thank you for taking the time to reply. 

I think I have immediately learnt that I want to take the adult approach and remain friends if it is possible. 

In this case sadly it's not.

I already regret no contact with her and the way I reacted/acted towards her was appalling and I regret it severely. 

I can already see that if I had been more in control of my emotions then we would have had a healthier relationship rather than the non one we have now along with the aching emotions. 

I'm learning.  

[kree90]

You just need time to heal from it. You're only human and humans make mistakes. Don't be too hard on yourself.

[Deleted Member]

Sorry to hear bro but just my 2 cents, and regardless of what ppl think about it I’ve done extensive research on it, psychology, behavior, mating etc. When you get “oneitis” and fall for a girl before she falls for you, your brain switches behaviors and you start to act nicer than normal different than you were in the beginning, from the person “she liked” sometimes get too overly nice in adoration of that person and often you think it’s beautiful and sweet but believe it or not a lot of ppl get turned off by overly nice behavior and miss that domineering, distant, hard to get to demeanor that is a turn on for them. They view it sometimes as inauthentic and get turned off. Even though it’s not really always fake and just you starting to switch behaviors and start to worship or adore. Your brain does that to you and is why it’s important to maintain the same mental frame from beginning to end, unless you too spend so much time together she falls first and finally “wins” you over and know for sure it’s safe to start getting sweet. I’ve seen this happen so many times and naive ppl argue with me that no “being sweet” is good yet they don’t even realize they friendzone ppl who are too sweet off the bat. It really is not all that attractive. Ppl like to attain the far reaching what they can’t have and that involves not giving away all your eggs in your basket too soon. Remember you are the prize, you should be won over, especially as a Dom, cause when you give up your power as a Dom you’re no longer a Dom nor the person you were when you first met. Good luck brother and just view this as a lesson not a bad thing but a good thing for growth. There’s always more fish in the see. You see her as awesome but she’s not if she left and you will meet ppl better and better. Chin up. Cheers!

[Deleted Member]

Thank you man...I get that psychology I really do. She led me to believe that our falling in love was mutual...I think that's why it hurts so much.

Anyways...onwards and upwards...what doesn't kill us makes us stronger and I'm really going to use this experience to adapt and learn.

Thanks again for tour words.

[Deleted Member]

I dont think that falling for someone you have a very unique and strong connection with is a dick move at all. Maybe the way you handled the situation when you realised that the feelings weren't mutual was, but you're only human after all.

I think going into any d/s relationship without any type of emotions at all is odd, but when you turn that d/s relationship into the level of ddlg based ive always felt that the feelings run a lot deeper when that level of care is provided. Its not unusual at all for people in ddlg relationships to grow feelings and emotions. In fact, id be more concerned if someone didn't grow them feelings etc.

Try not to let it get you down too much. People make mistakes and you have all the time in the world to heal and search for a new partner.

[Deleted Member]

Thank you for your kind and true words.

I agree with you...its better to not be cold and me mechanical with my feelings.

I'm learning. 

[Deleted Member]

People don’t talk about love often enough in relation to BDSM. Why should you not fall in love with the amazing person you’ve just met? It’s not wrong - you’re human. Just because the style of relationship is different, doesn’t mean the emotional content should be less. 
 

Im truly sorry you have been left feeling heartbroken, but don’t let it change who you are. That would be a much sadder ending. I have behaved badly in the past in order to push people away because I couldn’t cope with the fallout of a relationship. It’s not a particularly great defence, but sometimes it’s all we have left to stop ourselves going down an even more destructive path. 
 

There is always hope. It doesn’t have to be BDSM or love - it can be both. (If you want proof of that, check out MetalSir’s stories of meeting 6 - they give me hope.)

[Deleted Member]

On 31/01/2021 at 2:02 PM, Lockfairy said:

People don’t talk about love often enough in relation to BDSM. Why should you not fall in love with the amazing person you’ve just met? It’s not wrong - you’re human. Just because the style of relationship is different, doesn’t mean the emotional content should be less. 
 

Im truly sorry you have been left feeling heartbroken, but don’t let it change who you are. That would be a much sadder ending. I have behaved badly in the past in order to push people away because I couldn’t cope with the fallout of a relationship. It’s not a particularly great defence, but sometimes it’s all we have left to stop ourselves going down an even more destructive path. 
 

There is always hope. It doesn’t have to be BDSM or love - it can be both. (If you want proof of that, check out MetalSir’s stories of meeting 6 - they give me hope.)

Thank you for your kind words.  Love is a strange elusive thing it seems for me. I've been lucky enough to have fallen in love a few times but fir whatever reasons...none has lasted. 

I'm starting to take a long hard look at myself and my actions.  It seems that the common denominator of these failed relationships is me. I need to change some aspects of me and become a  better person.

I consider myself a fun, friendly and caring person but I know I must be missing something bigger. 

My heart still aches for this girl and I'm doing my best to keep my mind busy and not think of her.

Live made me feel so strong whilst it was happening and so weak as I was losing it.

Such a juxtaposition of emotions. 

Truly...thank you for your words...they really do help.

[Deleted Member]

I think you’re being very hard on yourself. When you think about it, the common denominator of all our failed past relationships is ourselves. Unless everyone you’ve seen has levelled the same criticism at you, perhaps it’s not just you.

That you want to learn from this, so soon after it’s ended, while you are still so raw, speaks so positively about you as a person. Perhaps you can imagine how you would comfort someone else in your position and try to be that kind to yourself. x

[Deleted Member]

On 2/3/2021 at 7:13 PM, DaddyDomBDSM said:

 

I'm starting to take a long hard look at myself and my actions.  It seems that the common denominator of these failed relationships is me. I need to change some aspects of me and become a  better person.

I consider myself a fun, friendly and caring person but I know I must be missing something bigger. 

 

Its a good positive thing to look at oneself to try and see where we can maybe improve, become more. Yet don't change too much as that is a quick road to misery and sadness. You have to be true to who you really are and no matter what you do, no matter how good a soul you are, sometimes things just don't work out the way we would like. Your not missing anything at all, just as I say fate sometimes throws a curveball our way, but again it's not all your fault so please try not to place all that on your own shoulders 😊

[Scarlet5293]

Why not love your submissive? My first dominant fell in love with me and I with him. He taught me so much. I trusted him and opened the enter parts of my soul to him. We separated not on bad terms. He gave me some of the best years of my life. I have spent that last few longing to find that again. Your submissive should make you throb when you think about things you two have done when she is not by you or when she text you. There is nothing wrong with that...just my opinion. Yes, I am a submissive. I can only speak for me. However, I would have no problem with my dominant being in love with me.

[Sir-Taz]

On 27/01/2021 at 8:23 AM, DaddyDomBDSM said:

I would like to know if any one has had similar experiences and if any advice can be given.

I made a really dick move.  I fell in love with my sub. It happened very quickly and I thought it was reciprocal but it turned out it wasn't. 

I felt hurt and I behaved in a horrible jealous, hurt immature way. Now it is over and I'm left feeling lonely and like I've lost something quite big inside me. Possibly the desire to be a dom. I dont know.  My head and heart are all over the place and I know I should have never fallen for this girl.

Please help....

I dont envy you your *** , and sometimes these things just happen, it can't always be helped.  So no its not a dick move its just life . 

Yes its not ideal and it sucks she doesn't feel the same but you live and learn .

It is the way. 

[Deleted Member]

Hey, pretty much everything that has been said on this thread is exactly what I would say. Mainly, not a dick move, just a human one. It happens and I think all of us have this happen at least once. 
Give yourself the time you need and be kind to yourself. Since posting this, I hope you’ve gotten the advice and support you needed 💜🖤