Red Flag: Can travel but can't accommodate

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Aranhis said:

a pathetic attempt to validate and excuse clearly unacceptable behaviour.

This is what the outsider of bdsm says when they see kinksters indulge in their kinks, fantasy like being slapped, tied up, shit/*** on, wearing nappies etc.... judgemental 

[Deleted Member]

9 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Sound funny someone who tried something and now shout out loud it’s immoral to do it?

 

I think that's a little unfair, as which of us here have done something in the past that we now regret? Maybe all of us? Our opinions and code with those mistakes can and does change, as do we on a very basic level. We stumble, we evolve and hopefully with that we learn. Also threads for me, can be wonderful therapy, and maybe help others  not repeat the same mistakes we do. This btw from a man who cheated on his wife 15 years ago, does that make me  a cunt? Yes it does, but a cunt who learned from it. And that very same wife, was the one who eventually sat me down, and nudjed me in the right direction.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Sound funny someone who tried something and now shout out loud it’s immoral to do it?
It’s not all black and white and qualifying a red flag on someone can travel not accommodate very quick on judgement. You said yourself you have a kid at home 🤷‍♂️.
I am not judgemental, people do whatever they feel like unless it’s not life/health threatening. For some cheating IS a kink so no shaming too.
You done it and took 18 month until you found out it’s immoral, good for you. But don’t come around and bang the New Testament on this site.

I feel you entirely missed the mark with this one. People are aloud to reflect and give their view on it afterwards and to be fair it's pretty valid to question something that made you feel bad during or after. 

Kinks can be anything and no one is saying anyone has to be monogamous but cheating on your spouse that is completely unaware and in turn leading another person on is harmful no matter how you try to class it as a kink.

Basic human decency should allow everyone to make an informed choice not be sat at home while your partner has sex with someone else without your knowledge then gets back in bed with you after. 

So you're right it's not black and white but it's a shitty thing to do to someone you say you love or are committed to. The damage that causes someone when it's found it, should be enough to stop anyone if you truly cared for them.

Again this is only in regards to the people who are lying and cheating to get their kicks not anyone in an open consenting relationship.

[ey****]

I think the concept of 'cheating as a kink' is something that has to be treat with the appropriate minefields.

1) their partner does not consent to the cheating. Therefore a break of trust. 

2) The person they are cheating with has to be aware of the situation else this lacks informed consent. Also a breach of trust.

So using the "it's a kink" defence is moot because it goes against the core parts of a scene and lifestyle built on trust.

[ey****]

Mind. Obviously people cheat and they do it for different reasons and different justifications.  Some people also have different boundaries on what constitutes as cheating.

There are folk who I've seen claim that (whatever it does that constitutes as) cheating has effectively helped/save their /relationship by being able to get what they (claim they) need elsewhere.   

I do remember an interesting conversation I had with a Pro-Domme about cheating; who had always had the kinda dilemma between - of course - if there would be enough of a client base if those who were cheating were refused.   But then that also ties in with the concept of informed consent above.

That also it's understood what the arrangement is - pays, plays, fucks off.  And if there's suddenly cold feet or a change of plans or whatever - then - the deposit which should have been paid means she's at least not out of pocket.

--

Mind, I did have to laugh once many years ago, listening to a Domme do a radio interview who had expressed disappointment at clients who disappear to see other Dommes - "we use discretion and keep your secrets and this is how you respond?" - well, I dunno - the person had already shown a lack of loyalty in the first place.

[Deleted Member]

12 hours ago, Aranhis said:

Calling cheating a kink is no different to calling under-age sex a kink; a pathetic attempt to validate and excuse clearly unacceptable behaviour.

 

The question of whether cheating is okay should never come up anywhere, but least of all in a community which supposedly grounds itself in trust and communication.

❤️😘 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Aries91 said: 

So you're right it's not black and white but it's a shitty thing to do to someone you say you love or are committed to. The damage that causes someone when it's found it, should be enough to stop anyone if you truly cared for them.

This 👏👏👏👏

We should have a care for the damage we cause to others when the cheating is discovered. I excused my predilection for being The Other Woman with purely selfish reasoning. I excused it as a kink, too. 
 

Consent is everything in kink. If I partake in cheating with a man who has a partner, that partner hasn’t consented to that. 
 

I agree with @Aranhis in that there are certain kinks and preferences we don’t allow. Why should this be any different when it causes non-consensual harm to others? 
 

Open relationships, swinging, polyamory - I’ve engaged in these things myself. I don’t condemn them. But the emphasis is on consent and honesty. 
 

I’m super kinky for honesty these days ❤️

[Si****]

lol Im not single, and when people ask me about that im very open about it (Im one of the lucky ones where my partner is also on this and other sites). If someone says they are in a relationship but the other half is not into kink, I would still want to hear it from the partner that they know about whats going on.

 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, SirGreen said:

lol Im not single, and when people ask me about that im very open about it (Im one of the lucky ones where my partner is also on this and other sites). If someone says they are in a relationship but the other half is not into kink, I would still want to hear it from the partner that they know about whats going on.

 

Hey honey, you’re open about your status and I assume you’re talking about K? I was generalising for effect. Not single always makes me wary until I get an honest answer from them.

[Si****]

1 hour ago, RosebroomRoeshot said:

Hey honey, you’re open about your status and I assume you’re talking about K? I was generalising for effect. Not single always makes me wary until I get an honest answer from them.

Yes, talking about Kitty. I think some benefit of doubt should be given to people who openly indicate as 'not single' from the start. It’s the ones that say 'single' but then tell you they have a partner that fly the red flag highest. I can never understand why people feel that lying from the get go would ever be a good start. Anything that happens is already tainted before it has the chance of becoming something of value. It not only undermines the other person but themselves.

[Nylon-Nellie]

Been there and done that. He was more than happy to meet at my place or better still, we could use a day room for our antics. He still is more than happy to see other married women today.

 

Open relationships, poly, etc are one thing, but to blatantly go behind his partners back is a big fat red flag for me. We are the third wheel in this relationship, are we really worth it being the third wheel? Pile of rollocks if you think it is acceptable.

 

For me, being a cheater is classed as a being a cheater and  is not a kink. If the married men on this site cannot be honest and upfront with their status, what is there relationship like with their significant other? It is no excuse for them to blame their antics on a current bad relationship or it is just sex and nothing more. 

 

I have been cheated on in the past with my ex husband. He thought it was acceptable to f*ck his ex girlfriend. But yeah, once bitten, twice shy and there is the door if people are unable to be honest and upfront with me.

 

I have more respect for men who admit their mistakes, take stock and deal with it, simple really. There are some genuine guys on this site, just a case of finding them.

[Deleted Member]

What an amazingly judgemental post and replies, especially for a community such as this. And how lucky for you to have seen the light, but only after he didn’t give you enough of his time, so you can do a 180 and now preach to everyone how fucked up it is. To some, wearing nappies in your adult years or flogging someone until they bleed is fucked up, yet in here we celebrate it. Being unfaithful isn’t illegal, it’s up to everyone’s own sense of morality to decide what is right or wrong for them. I don’t defend the behaviour, but nor do I wish to crucify anyone who finds themselves wanting or needing an escape. As an adult, you make your own choices and suffer the consequences .

[ey****]

I don't really think (m)any have crucified the behaviour.  Moreso, highlighting the problems and the flags when dealing with someone who is being unfaithful.

And the difference between adult babies and flogging til bleed versus cheating is... well... consent.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Sub-lime said:

What an amazingly judgemental post and replies, especially for a community such as this. And how lucky for you to have seen the light, but only after he didn’t give you enough of his time, so you can do a 180 and now preach to everyone how fucked up it is. To some, wearing nappies in your adult years or flogging someone until they bleed is fucked up, yet in here we celebrate it. Being unfaithful isn’t illegal, it’s up to everyone’s own sense of morality to decide what is right or wrong for them. I don’t defend the behaviour, but nor do I wish to crucify anyone who finds themselves wanting or needing an escape. As an adult, you make your own choices and suffer the consequences .

Yet the aftermath can be devestating, and not only to the immidiate couple. Whole families can be affected as sides are chosen, and none of them asked for it. I dont see much judgment, I see honesty about how flawed we as human beings really are. To wish to share stories of the past and state how one feels today , is not judgment of another, .more judgment of self, for me anyway

Edited February 23, 2021 by Deleted Member
Better choice of words

[Si****]

5 hours ago, Sub-lime said:

 Being unfaithful isn’t illegal, it’s up to everyone’s own sense of morality to decide what is right or wrong for them.

Nothing illegal with an adult chosing to cheat on their partners if they are the ones choosing to do so. Yet we are talking about moral aspects. The thing that is immoral is inflicting the unwanted *** on the person being cheated on. They didnt concent to their feeling being smashed to bits. They dont deserve it. If the cheater has the time and energy to be messing around, they have the time and energy to either make good the relationship or to end it before looking elsewhere. The real question that raise red flags is if they cant be honest and open with the people they claim to care about, then how can they call themselves honest? If they can so easily cheat on someone who cares for them, then they really shouldnt be given such high regard.

[Wo****]

5 hours ago, Sub-lime said:

What an amazingly judgemental post and replies, especially for a community such as this. And how lucky for you to have seen the light, but only after he didn’t give you enough of his time, so you can do a 180 and now preach to everyone how fucked up it is. To some, wearing nappies in your adult years or flogging someone until they bleed is fucked up, yet in here we celebrate it. Being unfaithful isn’t illegal, it’s up to everyone’s own sense of morality to decide what is right or wrong for them. I don’t defend the behaviour, but nor do I wish to crucify anyone who finds themselves wanting or needing an escape. As an adult, you make your own choices and suffer the consequences .

It's a reason for divorce though....

 

I've been both cheated on and cheated. Both were shit.

 

Bdsm is about acceptance, yes but it's about honesty too. Cheaters aren't being honest. How can there be trust if there isn't honesty?

Personally, it would take exceptional circumstances for me to be complicit in deceiving someone like that.

You wanna cheat, you can't tell your partner for whatever reason, that's your prerogative but if your partner doesn't know then I can't be part of that. Do I approve? No. But each to their own. Your decision to cheat but what about consent? Of your partner, and of mine to say no to being part of it?

[Deleted Member]

16 hours ago, Bounty said:

Bdsm is about acceptance, yes but it's about honesty too. Cheaters aren't being honest.

Life is never that black and white. It would be very nice if it were, but that’s not the case. People are never just all good or all bad. So many people on here have cheated in the past but suddenly now are so easy to judge and convict what they did before themselves. There are many reasons for people to cheat, and not all of them mean that the person is being immoral. My problem is with the way this post is worded. The person was happy to cheat until she realised she wasn’t going to get his full attention and in a crisis he would not be there - he was a bad immoral person and she was just naive.  And then suddenly saw the light ( though it took her 18 months), became a victim of the said cheater and now feels that it’s ok to call all cheaters out, not to mention publish a private exchange - for which I am sure the other person hasn’t agreed to. I call this double standards.  Where does this end? We should not be such a community. We are better than this. Fine, you are not happy to have been approached by a married person. There is a ‘no thank you’ button, just use it. He didn’t send you an unsolicited naked photo or was abusive ( I assume). There is no need to publish his conversation for everyone to see. 

[Wo****]

3 hours ago, Sub-lime said:

Life is never that black and white. It would be very nice if it were, but that’s not the case. People are never just all good or all bad. So many people on here have cheated in the past but suddenly now are so easy to judge and convict what they did before themselves. There are many reasons for people to cheat, and not all of them mean that the person is being immoral. My problem is with the way this post is worded. The person was happy to cheat until she realised she wasn’t going to get his full attention and in a crisis he would not be there - he was a bad immoral person and she was just naive.  And then suddenly saw the light ( though it took her 18 months), became a victim of the said cheater and now feels that it’s ok to call all cheaters out, not to mention publish a private exchange - for which I am sure the other person hasn’t agreed to. I call this double standards.  Where does this end? We should not be such a community. We are better than this. Fine, you are not happy to have been approached by a married person. There is a ‘no thank you’ button, just use it. He didn’t send you an unsolicited naked photo or was abusive ( I assume). There is no need to publish his conversation for everyone to see. 

Fair point but I think the majority of people here don't judge. They may say they don't agree with something.

I'm not judging. I want the opportunity to choose not to be a part of it. I've been devastated by being cheated on and caused untold hurt by cheating. Neither are an experience I'd recommend.

[boo_]

I know few people who are married but their partner is not kinky and some have the *** of losing there loved on due to wanting kink in their life.   It not always clean cut but there always someone hert no matter what.  

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Bit confused seeming as these posts all say that doing S&M activitys with someone who your not dating Or married to is "cheating"?!? But that implys there are sexual & Or intimate activitys involved in the play?!? Dosnt that depend on what your doing and how you set it up?!? To me if I was Dominant there wouldn't be any actual sexual activity in say "punishment & restraint" Or playing with a "sissy" as I wouldn't do that anyway be sexually active 🙊 without a relevant commitment  because that's my style personally during Domination so where is the "infidelity" Or cheating element?!? In having interactions Or activitys with someone/anyone unless your married?!? That's very limiting and old-fashioned 😯😯 we need many different people in our life for various reasons and various levels of connections from the lightweight to the heavyweight 🤔 So it sounds like from reading here that as a single person potential Domme I'd be immoral if I connected with anyone not overtly single for S&M purposes?!? Guess I won't get many possible opportunities then?!? as nearly everyone seems to have a partner already ☹️💀🙊 I see Fetish life as separated from everyday mundane life generally it's a "safe space" for alters Or kinks that don't have space or time in everyday life 🌵💓🌵 so how would the regular society's lifestyle be my business?!? As long I'm going to be safe and have my own limits accepted why should I care how others live their lives the rest of the time when I'm not active with them?!? 🤔 Would they care about me if I wasn't providing them with Fetish?!? Seriously doubt they would care about my regular life style 🤔 Or me as an individual either where I have my own issues in a compleX life of multiple medical-issues ect  once they'd got what THEY wanted  from me as a Dom Or sub realistically 🤔 💀☹️💀

Seems to me that if the  pro-dommes in this world only accepted single Or unattached clients how long would there business last in reality?!? Lots of ***ps NEED to keep there kinks Private Or hidden for a variety of reasons I certainly do.....🤔 Without overtly lying or being deceptive deliberately) 💀 isn't that a human right?!? To maintain +Privacys+ the world is VERY judgemental and downright cruel to anyone different atall these days 💀☹️💀

***ps should have a "safe space" and "time out" without all kinds of judgements going down on them otherwise we'll all be suppressed and Fetish activitys & eXpressions will just die-out 💀🙊💀

Thank you if you got round to reading this 🌵💓🌵

[boo_]

Yes as I don't always have sex with people I play with.  I have a married friend who plays with me behind her partner back as he not kinky in anyway. but there no sex going on she just likes to have a good beating. or to give a good beating.  it saves her as she dont think he would understand and he could not help her with her need for a good session.  we always play at events

Edited March 2, 2021 by boo_
missed the we play at events

[Deleted Member]

8 hours ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

Bit confused seeming as these posts all say that doing S&M activitys with someone who your not dating Or married to is "cheating"?!? But that implys there are sexual & Or intimate activitys involved in the play?!? Dosnt that depend on what your doing and how you set it up?!? To me if I was Dominant there wouldn't be any actual sexual activity in say "punishment & restraint" Or playing with a "sissy" as I wouldn't do that anyway be sexually active 🙊 without a relevant commitment  because that's my style personally during Domination so where is the "infidelity" Or cheating element?!? In having interactions Or activitys with someone/anyone unless your married?!? That's very limiting and old-fashioned 😯😯 we need many different people in our life for various reasons and various levels of connections from the lightweight to the heavyweight 🤔 So it sounds like from reading here that as a single person potential Domme I'd be immoral if I connected with anyone not overtly single for S&M purposes?!? Guess I won't get many possible opportunities then?!? as nearly everyone seems to have a partner already ☹️💀🙊 I see Fetish life as separated from everyday mundane life generally it's a "safe space" for alters Or kinks that don't have space or time in everyday life 🌵💓🌵 so how would the regular society's lifestyle be my business?!? As long I'm going to be safe and have my own limits accepted why should I care how others live their lives the rest of the time when I'm not active with them?!? 🤔 Would they care about me if I wasn't providing them with Fetish?!? Seriously doubt they would care about my regular life style 🤔 Or me as an individual either where I have my own issues in a compleX life of multiple medical-issues ect  once they'd got what THEY wanted  from me as a Dom Or sub realistically 🤔 💀☹️💀

Seems to me that if the  pro-dommes in this world only accepted single Or unattached clients how long would there business last in reality?!? Lots of ***ps NEED to keep there kinks Private Or hidden for a variety of reasons I certainly do.....🤔 Without overtly lying or being deceptive deliberately) 💀 isn't that a human right?!? To maintain +Privacys+ the world is VERY judgemental and downright cruel to anyone different atall these days 💀☹️💀

***ps should have a "safe space" and "time out" without all kinds of judgements going down on them otherwise we'll all be suppressed and Fetish activitys & eXpressions will just die-out 💀🙊💀

Thank you if you got round to reading this 🌵💓🌵

You are right about being confused. No one is saying you have to be dating or married in order to play with anyone whether it be sexual or otherwise.

This post was regarding those that portray themselves dishonesty and say they are single only to find out they are married or in a vanilla commitment. 

You are right in its freedom of choice but its not judgement or ridicule to not want to be the secret affair. It is a community and it should be none judgemental, the best way to do that is to be open and honest not, as in this case where someone has basically lied about true intentions to get what they want and lead someone on in the process when they knew fully it would never be more because they are "happily" taken. 

It's also highly hypocritical to think that it's ok for one person to make any choice that suits them and it should be accepted when the possible partners choices aren't considered at all in terms of knowing if their partner requires something from someone else. It's all very jaded and seems one sided rather than looking at it as whole. As you said you are making what you deem as safe choices but the partner of someone else doesn't get a choice and that there in lies the issue.

Everyone's entitled to keep their private life private that is not the issue here. Again the issue is when the private life can negatively impact your personal life with a husband/wife/bf/gf who has no idea what's going on behind their back and would be potentially very harmful to them and the person involved should it go wrong.

Again we are talking about people that lie and deceive for personal gain or manipulate to get a sexual relationship. Anything else is irrelevant if this isn't the circumstances you are referring to. 

 

[ey****]

9 hours ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

is "cheating"?!? But that implys there are sexual & Or intimate activitys involved in the play?!?

I think one of the things here is - if it's NOT cheating then why isn't the person scurrying around telling their partner ("Hey, just meeting up for a spanking - don't worry it's non-sexual! Even if it is my fetish which gets me sexually aroused") or being open with the person they're trying to meet with?

And the problem often lies in all the secrecy - and that's something, if we go back to the first post, often has a negative effect on the person being met : which is the point of the post.

9 hours ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

Seems to me that if the  pro-dommes in this world only accepted single Or unattached clients how long would there business last in reality?!?

One of the differences between Pro-Dommes and, well, almost anyone else.  They know the person they are meeting is likely to be there without partners knowledge.  If all of a sudden there's an unexpected reason why the meeting cannot go ahead, then with notice she may roll over the deposit and without notice, or if repeatedly getting rescheduled, she retains the deposit.

That she's neither expecting, nor offering, any form of relationship.  I won't say there's no expectancy - and I'm not saying she won't be sad if someone sees her for a few months and then has to stop because partner is suspicious - but it's a slightly different ballgame and being someone's lunchtime fun, or on the way home from work or when partner thinks you're playing 5-a-side or *whatever* is more palatable.

-------------

I don't think folk are being overly judgemental.  I think moreso pointing the risks and frustrations of being with someone who is being unfaithful, especially those who weren't up front about it.

 

[RosesHaveThorns75]

Think it's good that I asked for this to be made clearer it's seems a VERY tricky aspect of this lifestyle 🌵💓🌵seeing it from both sides because I've never dated Or had a partner where I felt I could include my kinky side as part of my identity ☹️🙊 noone I've been with in the past had any clue as to my interests 🤔 But also they had zero interests and inclinations towards it themselves which means I could be the person who was "receiving services" Or keeping things Private from others 💀💓💀 But not to be secretive just mainly because the guys were oblivious to my needs and interests Lol 🤔

[Si****]

11 hours ago, Rock21RosesAndRopes said:

Think it's good that I asked for this to be made clearer it's seems a VERY tricky aspect of this lifestyle 🌵💓🌵seeing it from both sides because I've never dated Or had a partner where I felt I could include my kinky side as part of my identity ☹️🙊 noone I've been with in the past had any clue as to my interests 🤔 But also they had zero interests and inclinations towards it themselves which means I could be the person who was "receiving services" Or keeping things Private from others 💀💓💀 But not to be secretive just mainly because the guys were oblivious to my needs and interests Lol 🤔

I think its a double edged sword. If you dont share your kinks with someone, how can they feel comfortable with sharing theirs? I do wonder how may people miss out on that perfect relationship, through *** that their partner wouldnt understand or support their kinks. Society has brain washed people in not being open about their sexual desires as if its something to be ashamed of. The change is in the wind but its moving ever so slowly. Can you imagine a couple living together, but both hiding the exact same kinky ideas and desires in *** the other would not understand?