Submission, guilt and trauma... Reassure me!

[Newbie1984]

So I'm very much a sub, husband fairly vanilla but we're slowly exploring (on here to explore, learn about myself) and he's happy to do so (albeit slowly). Had a dom/sub relationship years ago so sort of reinvestigating that part of me. Anyway.... 

I like to be dominated, pinned down, etc. I find it both an enormous turn on and simultaneously very relaxing. It's like some switch is flipped and I can finally just get out of my head and let myself be told what to do and enjoy it. In everyday life I'm an obsessive planner and get very anxious at change or lack of control. 

So to the guilt bit. I was ***d as a child, then by my ex-husband. I'm finding after sex I sometimes feel really guilty. I know the chances are the trauma wired my brain and that's why it's relaxing, and there's nothing to feel guilty about but... It makes me feel broken, like I shouldn't enjoy it. That I'm wrong. Rationalising isn't working so help me feel less guilty and broken please! 

[Wo****]

You're choosing to submit. You're in control. You're not being ***d, the power is yours.

I was rayped as a virgin. I orgasmed... Took me a while to accept that was ok, that it was... is ok. My body was reacting to stimulus, the adrenalin, the endorphins...

 

You have every right to enjoy what you do. It's consensual. It's safe. You enjoy it. Your past trauma may have shaped you but it doesn't define you or control you. You control you.

 

Giving up your control willingly, being pinned down, being "made" to enjoy it... I relate to that. 

I've realised my love of CNC is directly because of my past. I had non consensual so the liberation in consensual non consent is a driving *** for me. 

 

My PM box is open If you ever wanna chat x

[Deleted Member]

Have you had a psychologist or therapist to help you after you have been ***d as a child or you kept if for yourself ? 

[Deleted Member]

Firstly, I'm sorry for your experience honey. Secondly, I completely understand and have been in & out of therapy for the last 20yrs for the same reasons. My shame for enjoying sex after being ***d has caused me problems in relationships for years, I'd struggle between hypersexulaity & sexual repulsion which obviously made it extremely difficult for my partners as they never knew which version of me they were getting. What I've learnt through the years is that the control being taken away in our very first experiences has a lasting impression and that everybody has different ways of responding to that. For me its created the issue of not being able to enjoy sex unless I'm ***d to, sounds like its done the same to you. Its really good that you can be open with your psrtner and that hes open to experiment. Keep communicating and if you feel talking therapy would help, find a good counsellor. They're worth their weight in gold. My inbox is also always open. Much love sweet ❤

[Deleted Member]

Newbie 1984 . Thank you for having the strength to share your thoughts of guilt.Having gone through childhood trauma and the damage it did to me psychologically and emotionally and the agony of self blame. It took me years of wasted brain time trying to understand and accept that what happened was something that I had no control over. My guilt comes from the way I handled my conflict as a child. All I could feel was ***. I enjoyed hurting other *** and ***s and watching their suffering made me feel relaxed. I was obsessed with death and *** . As a ***ager I remember shifting uncomfortably in my chair trying to hide my intense erection to a capture/ *** scene in a film on the family tv . Now I’m a pervert and how the hell do I deal with this? It was a secret a massive dark hidden guilty pleasure. The guilt and shame crippled me. I wanted to inflict *** and I wanted to feel ***. I remember confessing to my mum and seeing the sadness in her eyes unfold with every dirty word . My friends and family offered no solution to my situation . I thought I should be locked away in an asylum . The problem with guilt trauma is how do we cope? I cope by trying to be a better person. I help others, strangers, neighbours anyone in need. I’ll go and get my jump leads and help the stranded motorist start his or her car. I’ll be the first to assist in a crisis. It makes me feel wanted and that goes a long way with my coping with negative thoughts and emotions.

[Phoenyx]

@Newbie1984 , Your feelings of guilt and self-doubt are nothing unusual.  I dare say, that this is a rather common reaction.  Your situation really highlights the need for "aftercare".  A good Dom/me should be able to help you through those feelings, and show you how to draw strength from them.  You mind is trying to adapt to the effects of a "pleasurable trauma".  Yes, that terms sounds quite contradictory.  Hence, the confusion in your soul.  You are not "broken"!  You are confronting your old traumas, and laughing at the fact that they can no longer hurt you.  This is not some character flaw---this is moving-on.  New-found freedom can be a very disorienting experience.  In many ways, it can feel like weightlessness---and weightlessness can feel like falling.  But, you are not falling, and there is no "ground" to hit.  Instead, you can now move in any direction that you please.

I hope this was of help.

[Bo****]

  1 hour ago, Phoenyx said:

Your situation really highlights the need for "aftercare".  A good Dom/me should be able to help you through those feelings, and show you how to draw strength from them

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I had all sorts of feels about your post and wanted to say all sorts of things, but fuck if Phoenix didn't just nail it with his comment.

I am so very sorry you were ***d. I am sorry that you feel guilt about enjoying submission. I look forward to a time when you can freely celebrate the way this lifestyle makes you feel. It will come in time if you work at it.

[cautiousswitch]

You are consensually doing something that reflects a part of your past life that was non-consensual.  Some of the guilt feelings can be that that you feel you are justifying *** by 're-enacting' it.  Looking into the consent vs non-consent parts of your experiences may help you to come to grips with the feelings of guilt. 

[Deleted Member]

It's also to do with the chemical mix in your brain and often a release of one chemical can be followed by release of another one which often follows patterns your mind has developed through its life, I can relate but mine are for different reasons but still reflect trauma, like mentioned communication and reassurance will help, takes practice

[lola-2590-6425]

Yes... don’t feel guilty ever. I felt the same but it’s totally freeing and should embraced because it’s how you are. Being submissive is a different feeling because ... the person domming you you should trust with your soul. They will know what your limits are and slowly nurture you. I’m a control freak in my everyday life and submitting to a dom is liberating and sexy as fuck because you give yourself to them. Child *** was your past ... you have choices now that should empower you .... Lola xxx

[Deleted Member]

I encourage finding a kink friendly counselor/therapist on psychologytoday* as well as maybe listening to Dr Ramani Durvasula

Edited March 6, 2021 by Deleted Member
* External link removed

[Leisa]

Getting over childhood trauma while craving the feeling of domination can be hard to swallow at first. The deeper you delve into the lifestyle you can find it healing to know that you’ve taken back the power that was taken from you as a child. I could easily tell you to get over it but that’s not really the answer. As long as you are not reliving the trauma during play your feelings are perfectly natural and when treated the right way with gentle and loving aftercare can be cathartic and healing. You are much stronger then your past and instead of guilt one day you will feel the empowerment you deserve. Embrace the feelings of control and willingness to free yourself from your past be embracing your future. I was ***d with wooden paddles and belts growing up. To this day I cannot and will not have a belt near me. It is not a reflection of me it’s a way to not have those triggers and feeling guilt through pleasure. Paddles have the exact opposite affect and the thuddy feelings it invokes is so far removed from my feelings of powerlessness that through a loving hand on a paddle has made a world of difference. It takes time to work through the associated guilt. Take it easy on yourself. What you’re feeling is a natural part of healing.

[Deleted Member]

who ever you are with let them in give in to them taking control from time to time, but keep that control at times so you are safe, are you truly broken or have you found a safety net to cling onto yet dont know what to say or explain. re assurance is there when needed im sure you know that you are loved and love is not only what you crave and need the most deep down inside