Negotiating scenes..

[Incywincy]

Hi, I'm not particularly new to this but I don't have a broad range of experience either. My current partner/Dom is very new to the role though. 

He has played around in his other more vanilla relationships and watched some porn and now thinks he knows it all which I am finding quite frustrating.  He is kind and caring and wants to be a Dom, he has potential if he drops the Ego. 

I am trying to guide him to good resources, teach him as we go without topping from the bottom but I seem to have hit an impasse with scene negotiations. 

In my previous experience I have always talked extensively about what is going to happen, when, who does what, set out safewords, discussed what we want etc even in a long long term relationship... every time. It has been important in making me feel safe.

Current partner does not like discussions, goes off track regularly during play and does not see it as important. I think it is the switch from kinky sex to actual D/s transfer of power stuff that is causing the issue. Like.. if I have sex with hubby it's not planned, might get kinky, might not it's just mutual fun/exploration.  But with previous Dom's it is much more structured and is more psychologically/physically demanding so needs more prep.

But... is this just me? How much negotiating do you do before play?  Does it make a difference how intense you are planning to get.? Am I the one being unreasonable here?

(To clarify hubby and I don't have a D/s relationship, we both have other partners ).

[Ki****]

it doesnt sound like he is true Dom material. i know that sounds harsh particularly bc hes just learning, but really you yourself cant teach him. heres where you need to question yourself and only you can answer on your own thoughts.... do you think hes truly a Dom and not just simply another kinkster who watched the porn and went ."oh i can do that." bc being a Dom is so much more then the sexual. there is so much more then that that goes into it... and yes negations are that imporant.. you have to go over limits, safewords, safety, whats going to happen, and then the aftercare that will happen after a play... which btw aftercare though the name says aftercare it starts way before play, it starts the moment that Dom/me sets up the svene... they are prepping the scene for anything that can or that could happen, then during play they are watching you for signs something is wrong, and after there is the care that is needed to your body and spirit... now i hate to be the one to say it but if he is thinking hes now a Dom just because he watched a porn.. thats like saying "ooooooh i watched fifty shades of gray i can be an asshole like him.. and lets just say us in the lifestyle hate the movie bc a. it brought up a lot of dipshits now thinking they can be a Dom bc of it and b. bv they did it all wrong.... so that needs to be the first though you have.... is he truly a Dom or is he just a kinkseter with a Dom complex..

[ey****]

So.  OK.

Different subs like things differently - and that's fine.   If you like things methodically planned for the scene - then the first thing he needs to learn is to respect that/you.

If he wants creative freedoms, then he needs to get that level of trust with you first - if - you are ever happy with that.

There's been a case in porn this week where the Dominant ignored the sub and battered her beyond her limits - I won't say that's the norm, but, while porn can be good for finding fun ideas - it shouldn't be taken as an instruction manual.

[Deleted Member]

Is he on here. Would be happy to chat to him a bit as I'm sure many other doms here would be. If not here are some bits

Some Good books...

The Loving dominant
Playing well with others
The mistress manual (actually good for male doms too in a wierd way)
How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive.
Come as you are

Some good porn artists to inspire:
The pope
Master Orlando
On the point of porn it can be a good way to deconstruct of a scene together nd for you to share what you liked and didn't like.

Try YouTube's megan thorne and evie lupine. Just type in "BDSM scene writing" and they should pop up. Both have multiple good videos on the subject.

Loads of posts and topics here on scene writing and fantasy setting.

Good luck and keep us posted.

[Incywincy]

Thank you for you replied x

Kira, you could be right, he may not be Dom material. I really want to give him a shot because he is super keen and I hope I can let him see how it really is, crank his ego down a notch and I think he has potential.  The trouble is that crap like 50 shades (or most porn) never addresses the smoke and mirrors and magic of it at all. Or how to deal with someone tied to a beam who is freaking out!

Black sheep- that's really reassuring thank you x 

Kinkysir, that's really helpful. He isn't on here and to be honest I'm not ready to lose my safe space to talk to ask questions like this yet. But he is on fetlife so I will encourage him to talk to others.  I have a few of those books, but he is dyslexic and finds reading really hard (which does make this all far more difficult as I have a tendency to write essays instead of texts 😆). 

I will definitely look up the videos to pass on though as he will likely respond better to that . And if have to watch some porn in the name of research.. well I suppose one might tolerate that too ;) 

 

[Deleted Member]

If he’s not willing to learn then it’s up to you to carry on this type of dynamic/relationship. 
must sound more like a kinky partner or top as best maybe. 
a Dominant will always learn from himself through others and tons of experiences from site like here or fet. He’s on the other fetish site which is full of ressources. 
so you facing either he will carry on being himself and it will frustrate you and end up in arguments or he will not respect your hard limits one day and you will end up hurt. 

[Dreamaway]

Why not simply talk to hubby about going deeper into D/s roles. You obviously trust him so that issue is already dealt with. Just a thought, not knowing your personal circumstances...good luck though...let's hope you get what you want..

[Ki****]

oh exactly hun, thats why most of U/us dont like the book or the movies, sure they are entertaining but thats all they is entertainment. the sad thing about it is the author was giving "training" so to speak by a Dungeon Master of one of my friends, He had covered all facets of O/our life with her and apparently she picked and choose what she wanted to put in there... 

anyway i hope im wrong, and i hope Y/you both if Y/you stay in the dynamic can get things figured out.. i so do recommend a deep and long negotiation, wither it be formal or informal .. and yes i know they are a *** in the butt, but He needs to realize that even in a scene O/one must negotiate, things are so wam bam thank you ma'am come again and let me fuck you another day, like they are in porn they are planned usually extensively. 

in any respect i do wish you the most of luck in Y/your dynamic and hope things work out for both Y/you and that Y/you both find happiness and whatever ever else Y/you are seeking.  

[Deleted Member]

13 hours ago, Incywincy said:

Thank you for you replied x

Kira, you could be right, he may not be Dom material. I really want to give him a shot because he is super keen and I hope I can let him see how it really is, crank his ego down a notch and I think he has potential.  The trouble is that crap like 50 shades (or most porn) never addresses the smoke and mirrors and magic of it at all. Or how to deal with someone tied to a beam who is freaking out!

Black sheep- that's really reassuring thank you x 

Kinkysir, that's really helpful. He isn't on here and to be honest I'm not ready to lose my safe space to talk to ask questions like this yet. But he is on fetlife so I will encourage him to talk to others.  I have a few of those books, but he is dyslexic and finds reading really hard (which does make this all far more difficult as I have a tendency to write essays instead of texts 😆). 

I will definitely look up the videos to pass on though as he will likely respond better to that . And if have to watch some porn in the name of research.. well I suppose one might tolerate that too ;) 

 

Every book I mentioned is available on audiobooks from greenery press I think and definately available on SCRIBD.

[Mz****]

I don't think that just because he doesn't do things the way your ex Doms have means he's not Dom material, it simply means you have a particular type or preference and he's not it, certainly at the moment..

I'm like you in that I like extensive discussion/negotiation/conversations before any dynamic is established, but I'm also a little like him going by the original post, in that (once negotiations have been completed) I don't like everything planned out and itemised during actual play, to me personally in my role as  Domme once the basics are set, for example..whether impact play is on my agenda for the session, or sex, I enjoy the freedom of some spontaneity, my mood may change as we play, my needs and desires accordingly, I find it incredibly unsatisfying sticking to a prearranged script for want of a better word, my subs role is primarily to please me after all..perhaps theres an element of that with him too, but, the difference being he's new, I've been doing what I do for almost 30 years and my partners know and understand what is expected of them and trust has been well established prior,  and I'm not sure your Dom does know what's expected of him the porn/sex might be what's drawn him to the role rather than the actual dynamics, although I notice you said he's on Fetlife so perhaps not.. I'd be curious to know how you hooked up, is he perhaps just going through the motions to please you and get a little kinky sexytime or does he genuinely want the role as your Dom? Unfortunately the lockdowns have meant a Lot of curious "vanillas" have been dipping toes.

I'm sure my novella is of no help to you at all, but I saw the post and felt compelled to reply anyway.

Good luck 🤞

 

[Incywincy]

14 hours ago, Dreamaway said:

Why not simply talk to hubby about going deeper into D/s roles. You obviously trust him so that issue is already dealt with. Just a thought, not knowing your personal circumstances...good luck though...let's hope you get what you want..

Thankyou for replying, hubby and I did try many moons ago but it isn't conducive to a healthy relationship for us unfortunately.  We find our runs much smoother with us both on an equal footing x

[Incywincy]

32 minutes ago, MzJax said:

I don't think that just because he doesn't do things the way your ex Doms have means he's not Dom material, it simply means you have a particular type or preference and he's not it, certainly at the moment..

I'm like you in that I like extensive discussion/negotiation/conversations before any dynamic is established, but I'm also a little like him going by the original post, in that (once negotiations have been completed) I don't like everything planned out and itemised during actual play, to me personally in my role as  Domme once the basics are set, for example..whether impact play is on my agenda for the session, or sex, I enjoy the freedom of some spontaneity, my mood may change as we play, my needs and desires accordingly, I find it incredibly unsatisfying sticking to a prearranged script for want of a better word, my subs role is primarily to please me after all..perhaps theres an element of that with him too, but, the difference being he's new, I've been doing what I do for almost 30 years and my partners know and understand what is expected of them and trust has been well established prior,  and I'm not sure your Dom does know what's expected of him the porn/sex might be what's drawn him to the role rather than the actual dynamics, although I notice you said he's on Fetlife so perhaps not.. I'd be curious to know how you hooked up, is he perhaps just going through the motions to please you and get a little kinky sexytime or does he genuinely want the role as your Dom? Unfortunately the lockdowns have meant a Lot of curious "vanillas" have been dipping toes.

I'm sure my novella is of no help to you at all, but I saw the post and felt compelled to reply anyway.

Good luck 🤞

 

Thank you for your response, it is definitely of some help.  

We met through mutual friends and got a spark, A couple of weeks into seeing each other he mentioned that he likes to be in control of things, I let him expand a bit and he talked about being a bit kinky in the Bedroom.  I took that opportunity to talk about being a Sub and that although currently without a Dom it's an important dynamic to me and I may have another one at some point.  He knew I was married and open to seeing other people as well and so he is he, so jealousy could be a driving *** but hopefully not. He was then very much He would love to be a Dom, would like to take that role etc. So the past few months have been me trying to guide him towards good resources and explain how it is soooo much more than sex. It has not been an easy road so far and little bumps like this get in the way. 

I like an occasional scripted scene but this is more just about saying ok today we are going to play with rope, I want you dressed or undressed or whatever  are there any positions you can't do... today I want you to provide oral is that ok ( depending on headspace that can be a trigger for me). Rather than saying I'm going to do a spanking session.  With no further detail and 5 minutes in it turns to *** and then he wants me to give head so he can cum on me.  Or being able to talk about what we both want from it, like He might have it in his head to do a punishment scenario when I am craving a soft connection.  I feel like that stuff needs talking about beforehand? 

[Mz****]

11 minutes ago, Incywincy said:

Thank you for your response, it is definitely of some help.  

We met through mutual friends and got a spark, A couple of weeks into seeing each other he mentioned that he likes to be in control of things, I let him expand a bit and he talked about being a bit kinky in the Bedroom.  I took that opportunity to talk about being a Sub and that although currently without a Dom it's an important dynamic to me and I may have another one at some point.  He knew I was married and open to seeing other people as well and so he is he, so jealousy could be a driving *** but hopefully not. He was then very much He would love to be a Dom, would like to take that role etc. So the past few months have been me trying to guide him towards good resources and explain how it is soooo much more than sex. It has not been an easy road so far and little bumps like this get in the way. 

I like an occasional scripted scene but this is more just about saying ok today we are going to play with rope, I want you dressed or undressed or whatever  are there any positions you can't do... today I want you to provide oral is that ok ( depending on headspace that can be a trigger for me). Rather than saying I'm going to do a spanking session.  With no further detail and 5 minutes in it turns to *** and then he wants me to give head so he can cum on me.  Or being able to talk about what we both want from it, like He might have it in his head to do a punishment scenario when I am craving a soft connection.  I feel like that stuff needs talking about beforehand? 

Absolutely!! That stuff, especially regarding your head space and potential triggers (and indeed aftercare ) is, in my opinion essential for a healthy dynamic no matter what that dynamic is..is he any better at talking after a scene or does he close down/walk away from that too, does he even offer aftercare?

As an outsider looking in, he seems completely focused on the sex and what you can do for him and isn't remotely interested in even paying lip service to your basic needs..what are you getting out of this relationship with him?

[Incywincy]

5 hours ago, MzJax said:

Absolutely!! That stuff, especially regarding your head space and potential triggers (and indeed aftercare ) is, in my opinion essential for a healthy dynamic no matter what that dynamic is..is he any better at talking after a scene or does he close down/walk away from that too, does he even offer aftercare?

As an outsider looking in, he seems completely focused on the sex and what you can do for him and isn't remotely interested in even paying lip service to your basic needs..what are you getting out of this relationship with him?

He is actually pretty crap afterwards... I mean if I lead he will talk, but he struggles with it. 

This has actually pulled me up short a bit and given me something to really think about.  Thank you x

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, Incywincy said:

He is actually pretty crap afterwards... I mean if I lead he will talk, but he struggles with it. 

This has actually pulled me up short a bit and given me something to really think about.  Thank you x

I don't mean to be brutal, but I'm glad to hear that, from what you've said he's crap before, during and after..don't gaslight yourself, know what you want and if he can't or won't give it to you find someone else who will, safely and while respecting your boundaries and with your consent x

[Pennypecker]

On 4/19/2021 at 11:48 AM, KinkySirXxX said:

Is he on here. Would be happy to chat to him a bit as I'm sure many other doms here would be. If not here are some bits

Some Good books...

The Loving dominant
Playing well with others
The mistress manual (actually good for male doms too in a wierd way)
How to be a Healthy and Happy Submissive.
Come as you are

Some good porn artists to inspire:
The pope
Master Orlando
On the point of porn it can be a good way to deconstruct of a scene together nd for you to share what you liked and didn't like.

Try YouTube's megan thorne and evie lupine. Just type in "BDSM scene writing" and they should pop up. Both have multiple good videos on the subject.

Loads of posts and topics here on scene writing and fantasy setting.

Good luck and keep us posted.

This is fantastic information thanks so so much! My husband is trying to get into the dom side of things for me and is not super comfortable with porn so maybe the books will be helpful! 

[RandomChance]

The Loving Dominant

He needs to read that, or listen to the audiobook, ASAP. In fact, I would put a hold on doing any scenes at all until he has read it and you feel comfortable that he took it seriously and is making changes.

I won't say "he isn't Dom material". He may simply be ignorant of a lot of things. That isn't his fault, and hopefully he is willing and able to learn. BUT, just because it isn't his fault doesn't mean that it isn't potentially dangerous for you. 

I know you have a need for this, but this guy may not be the way to go. At the very least it sounds like you need to cool it with him until he has educated himself. If listening to an audiobook (that has been celebrated for decades as one of the best guides for a Dom ever written) is too much trouble for him, or he takes the stance of, "I've got this, I don't need to learn anything", then there you go. Some folks just never get it.