Vanilla cum switch but I have no idea what to do

[Mi****]

Hey 

very new to this realm of kink and have a lot of questions. I am 37 and have always been kinda vanilla while harbouring unaware interest in this stuff. Have taken the informative bdsm test and I am a switch (kinda knew but wanted confirmation). I have a bit of a hard time really connecting to my sub part because I have noticed many doms to be bedroom only. To me, being a dom truly means having a certain type of personality/lifestyle/approach to life that does not start in the bedroom. If I do not see someone as worthy of my submission then I go into Dom mode.
So I cannot fathom submitting to a person I do not look up to in any way outside bedroom kink. I do see myself as intelligent, independent and educated. 
I also feel like I may expect too much? 
Am I wrong? 
I don’t even know if this is an issue. Perhaps I am misinterpreting a lot of stuff. 

Thanks for your time in answering (if...anyone will do that)!

 

[Deleted Member]

Hey, there is no real set rules or parameters, as it were. All can be so different and very unique in their own ways, and with that so can be the relationship/dynamic. Two people who talk and discuss their own individual needs/ cravings can be anything they wish to be, if it makes both happy. As far as bedroom only Doms go, they can still be extremely Alpha in vanilla, yet choose to to embrace both sides of their own personality at the right time, in the right setting. It does not make them any less as it were, compared to let's say a 24/7 Dom, just one who carries both dark and light within and has no *** of revealing that. If you think about it, that actually does make them Dom, as they are comfortable with ALL they are, and are not afraid to reveal the truth of that to others. It's those who hide some of their real nature I would be wary of, those who feel a need to play a part, an act, to try and entice connections.

[Slavemarty]

I am the same I am a switch but depends on the partner etc which comes naturally in which way sub/ Dom

[Mi****]

@DonnyPrimalyes, I agree with the whole light and dark thing. 

[Deleted Member]

  3 minutes ago, MiMi9 said:

@DonnyPrimalyes, I agree with the whole light and dark thing. 

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For me we all carry both, some with a higher ratio of either. As I say it's those who are at peace with the truth of that ratio that have Dominance over themselves, and therefore are truly Dominant. It's the actors, those who feel a need to play a perceived role, rather than be themselves that one needs to be aware of. I have huge swathes of vanilla, which I embrace, as it's who I am, but even in vanilla I still like to think I'm Alpha, although maybe not Dominant, if that makes sense.

[Mi****]

@DonnyPrimalwhat is your interpretation of Alpha vs Dom? Maybe my confusion lies here. 

[Mi****]

  14 minutes ago, Slavemarty said:

I am the same I am a switch but depends on the partner etc which comes naturally in which way sub/ Dom

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How do you choose your Dom? 

[MsDrawers]

Hey, there's a hell of a lot here to unravel so bear with me in having a go! First thing: we all arrive at these realisations at different points, and we all get our kink on differently. What you feel you need and what these things mean to you are perfectly valid, whether or not they make sense or look "right" to other people. Also, bear in mind sexuality is fluid and shifting. You don't have to find a definitive role, or identify yourself in any particular way. You can just be kinky. If you revisit the test in a couple of years (which is really basic and generic anyway, you'll likely find your results aren't quite the same.

Second: it took you long enough to find your way here, so a bit more time slowly figuring out what works for you isn't gonna hurt. Take your time. Getting a bit involved with your local community may help you get a bit more acquainted with the subculture and get more of a feel for what appeals and so forth. Munches are really good for this. There are loads online while we're still distancing and plenty all over the country when/if we can all human. Munches tend to be completely vanilla, often in pubs and such and are just meets for local kinksters.

Third (beginning to regret this numbers business) kink is a form of connection and built on relationships just like every other facet of human life really. Some of us like a variety of "play" partners. Others are monogamous. For some "play" is intrinsically sexual, for others not at all. So what you need from your relationships is as unique as what you bring. Only able to submit to someone you recognise as a dominant soul and trust implicitly? All good. Don't want to dominate someone else until you have your rope skills down? Go you. The right partner will be patient and respectful as you build something together. Or, if you want to dip your toe in play with someone more established, the right play partner will take it slow and gentle with plenty of communication and negotiation about what works for you, what you're nervous of, what's off the table and how you might want your aftercare to look like (and doms can need that too).

Basically, this is all horny and exciting but the same rules apply in many senses. Something doesn't appeal or feel right? Don't go there. Someone doesn't respect what you feel you want or need? Keep on walking. People will harp on about submission being a "gift" but its all an exchange and requires, hopefully, mutual respect, care and understanding so what it takes for you is what it takes (atleast until it doesn't 😊). Good luck and happy discovery!

[Deleted Member]

  Just now, MiMi9 said:

@DonnyPrimalwhat is your interpretation of Alpha vs Dom? Maybe my confusion lies here. 

Expand  

I feel I'm Alpha all the time, strong willed, not afraid to stand my ground when I feel I'm right and will back it up. But also I see my  own faults, and ignorance. Understands my own shortcomings and character flaws, always ready to listen to others with an open mind and an acceptance that maybe I don't know it all. I can be extremely soft/tactile/affectionate and protective, yet I think still Alpha. When I'm vanilla which is most of the time, it does not make me less, but when Dominant my character/voice/tone and actions can become something else completely, but again, that would depend on the partner and agreed conditions. I live alpha all the time, Dom some of the time.

[Mi****]

  11 minutes ago, KontraryKink said:

Hey, there's a hell of a lot here to unravel so bear with me in having a go! First thing: we all arrive at these realisations at different points, and we all get our kink on differently. What you feel you need and what these things mean to you are perfectly valid, whether or not they make sense or look "right" to other people. Also, bear in mind sexuality is fluid and shifting. You don't have to find a definitive role, or identify yourself in any particular way. You can just be kinky. If you revisit the test in a couple of years (which is really basic and generic anyway, you'll likely find your results aren't quite the same.

Second: it took you long enough to find your way here, so a bit more time slowly figuring out what works for you isn't gonna hurt. Take your time. Getting a bit involved with your local community may help you get a bit more acquainted with the subculture and get more of a feel for what appeals and so forth. Munches are really good for this. There are loads online while we're still distancing and plenty all over the country when/if we can all human. Munches tend to be completely vanilla, often in pubs and such and are just meets for local kinksters.

Third (beginning to regret this numbers business) kink is a form of connection and built on relationships just like every other facet of human life really. Some of us like a variety of "play" partners. Others are monogamous. For some "play" is intrinsically sexual, for others not at all. So what you need from your relationships is as unique as what you bring. Only able to submit to someone you recognise as a dominant soul and trust implicitly? All good. Don't want to dominate someone else until you have your rope skills down? Go you. The right partner will be patient and respectful as you build something together. Or, if you want to dip your toe in play with someone more established, the right play partner will take it slow and gentle with plenty of communication and negotiation about what works for you, what you're nervous of, what's off the table and how you might want your aftercare to look like (and doms can need that too).

Basically, this is all horny and exciting but the same rules apply in many senses. Something doesn't appeal or feel right? Don't go there. Someone doesn't respect what you feel you want or need? Keep on walking. People will harp on about submission being a "gift" but its all an exchange and requires, hopefully, mutual respect, care and understanding so what it takes for you is what it takes (atleast until it doesn't 😊). Good luck and happy discovery!

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Thank you! This is very comprehensive and helpful! Admittedly I have only just begun and maybe I expected to find a perfect fit to my very fuzzy stencil of what I want. I got a bit apprehensive though when I was offered pet play off the cuff and started thinking about why I would ever submit to someone. 

[MsDrawers]

Its hard to work it all out when you aren't exactly sure what you're looking for but I think the most important thing is to explore with someone(s) you can trust, put the person first and always demand the same from other people. You aren't anyone's kink dispenser!

[Mi****]

  10 minutes ago, DonnyPrimal said:

I feel I'm Alpha all the time, strong willed, not afraid to stand my ground when I feel I'm right and will back it up. But also I see my  own faults, and ignorance. Understands my own shortcomings and character flaws, always ready to listen to others with an open mind and an acceptance that maybe I don't know it all. I can be extremely soft/tactile/affectionate and protective, yet I think still Alpha. When I'm vanilla which is most of the time, it does not make me less, but when Dominant my character/voice/tone and actions can become something else completely, but again, that would depend on the partner and agreed conditions. I live alpha all the time, Dom some of the time.

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Thank you! I think I am starting to get it! And what you described is probably what I was trying to get across in my original post. Vanilla is fine, the trouble is, for me, an Alpha attitude that is not backed up at all, but mostly egocentric with no pants. 

[Mi****]

  3 minutes ago, KontraryKink said:

Its hard to work it all out when you aren't exactly sure what you're looking for but I think the most important thing is to explore with someone(s) you can trust, put the person first and always demand the same from other people. You aren't anyone's kink dispenser!

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Trust is a big one and it is difficult to establish purely online while the mere thought of munches ... frankly scares the shit out of me.. 

I got my work cut out for me 

thanks for your replies. Really helpful 

[Deleted Member]

  1 minute ago, MiMi9 said:

Thank you! I think I am starting to get it! And what you described is probably what I was trying to get across in my original post. Vanilla is fine, the trouble is, for me, an Alpha attitude that is not backed up at all, but mostly egocentric with no pants. 

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And that I totally agree with, and understand. It's taken me years to work myself out, that I think is the first thing you need to do, and it can take time.

[Digle]

I think you’d end up Domming me

[russelroberts]

I think you should find another switch to explore with then you can take turns and may find a way to abandon your reservations about submitting

[Mi****]

  1 hour ago, russelroberts said:

I think you should find another switch to explore with then you can take turns and may find a way to abandon your reservations about submitting

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Thanks! I am keeping that in mind for sure 

[Mi****]

  12 hours ago, Digle said:

I think you’d end up Domming me

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If that is the vibe you give, then yes