lolli-leigh Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 What does Under Consideration mean to me. So here goes my thoughts and feelings on my new experiences of being under consideration. I am still new to Bdsm and I am exploring my own body, thought, feeling, ***, pleasure, wants and desires. In the beginning I was as high as a kite, rushing into wanting to explore everything and everything. I am pretty logical and reflective person, however I do tend to get over excited with new friendships/relationships and even new activities (attachment issues and all that). What I have learned from the books I have read, the teaching from the more experienced people in here and unfortunately from those less experienced (I am a watcher of people) and from my own reflection, is that the initial stages of Bdsm exploring it a very dangerous position to be in. Why!!! you may ask. Let's explore 1. lack of knowledge, 2. Eagarness to play leads to rushing in (not thinking about, SSC, and RACK). 3.Open to Emotional manipulation and many more. I suppose what I am trying to say is and what my Dom friend has supported me with is slowdown, to breath, gain knowledge, understand yourself , raise your expectations, communicate well and don't be afraid to ask questions. A good Dom will support, nurture, teach, while ensuring that you and he/her are safe. As for being under consideration for me it is about all the above as learning, and developing,friendship/relationships /dynamics /play buddies etc, take time. As for being under consideration my self, I thank my friend and whether we progress further into Dom/sub or not I know I have been blessed to have met you. ps please do not ask me who he is. I will not disclose that information unless we both want to and at present we don't.
CopperKnob Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Totality relatable, i took a break, a moment to reflect and came back a much different person whilst still continuing to learn about BDSM and myself x
UK**** Posted April 30, 2021 Posted April 30, 2021 Great post and this should be pinned and pointed out to every new member.
lolli-leigh Posted April 30, 2021 Author Posted April 30, 2021 1 hour ago, UK_Knight said: Great post and this should be pinned and pointed out to every new member. Thank you x
lolli-leigh Posted May 5, 2021 Author Posted May 5, 2021 *update* Reflection my views Change is uncomfortable, but a necessary action to develop and become a better person. Dom/sub it does not matter change is difficult. I spent the last few days emotionally struggling with my own head. I stropped like a Brat when I wasn't getting what I thought I wanted. I was annoyed at him for not giving me what I thought I wanted. I spent a day in tears annoyed at my self or behaving this way, then I have reflected on my own experiences, behaviors, emotions and calmed myself down. What have I learnt and what do I need to work on x 1. I do not always know what I want or need straight away. There fore I need to Step back and not respond to my first emotions. 2. I own my emotions, responses and self development. Therefore I choose what I want to work on. 3.Others are there is support us if we let them and equally they can destroy us if we let them. 4. Most importantly Love and Forgive thy Self and others xx ps keep learning all x
SammyB Posted May 8, 2021 Posted May 8, 2021 Fantastic post “Sub frenzy “ when starting out is quite common , many folk find themselves in hot water respect to your friend for keeping you on track and grounded ... sharing his wise words... we all need friends like that period of consideration will mean different things to different couples and dynamics Enjoy it communicate , honestly... all your needs wants desires ***s and insecurities , ask questions ... enjoy training and tasks and embrace ...listen to your gut
lolli-leigh Posted May 9, 2021 Author Posted May 9, 2021 *update* I am reading lots and have begun writing my own, needs, wants and expectations. I am identifying behaviors that I like and ones I don't. I am discovering and reflecting on my emotional responses to certain situations and learning to kind to myself. A note for those beginning your journey and seeking a Dom/Domme..... Know thy self, (I don't mean know everything) but reflect, gain knowledge, stop and really think about you and your submission. It is your responsibility and your submission to give. How can you consent to submission of you don't know what you are giving.
Th**** Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 Very good and inciteful posts leigh. Getting to know yourself is very important for both the Domm/Domme and the sub, all to often this gets overlooked and D's and S's tend to rush headlong into a full blown relationship/dynamic only to find that it ends in disaster which effects their self-confidence. How should we approach a new relationship/dynamic? 1. Take it slow theres no rush 2. Get to know each other, there may or may not be the spark you are looking for. 3. Read as much as you can and ask the right questions 4. If meeting up at a pub/coffee house or just a walk, make sure someone knows where you are and who your with, arrange a check up call from a friend or family member. 5. Quiz your perspective Domm/Domme or sub based on there online profile, this will give you an incite as to there honesty. It's better to spot the fakers before harm is done. 6. At the first sign of a red flag, run for the hills and don't look back Consideration Domm/Domme No matter how experienced you think you are, a new relationship/dynamic is going to be very different to your last one. Remember its not just the sub that under consideration, you are too, and not just from the sub but you should be asking yourself questions, Am I the right Domm/Domme for this sub, is probably the most important one you should be asking yourself. How long should you take when considering a new sub, in short as long as it takes, there should be no time limit. Dont rush and tick all the boxes that are important first, then relook at the less important ones. Dont forget at the end of the consideration process you may be heading into sub training, and you need to be ready for this, you have another's life in your hands, and they are putting their trust in you. Subs No matter how experienced you think you are, a new relationship/dynamic is going to be very different to your last one. Remember its not just the Domm/Domme thats under consideration, you are too, and not just from the Domm/Domme but you should be asking yourself questions, Am I the right sub for this Domm/Domme, is probably the most important one you should be asking yourself. ( isn't it funny how the first sentence is a mirror of that of the Domm/Domme first sentence, this is no coincidence, its probably the most important thing you should be thinking about. ) Be calm and try not to push, or you could push your perspective Domm/Domme away. Don't rush the process, and quiz the Domm/Domme on there journey to you, you could be putting your life in there hands, and if they have no real experience this could be catastrophic. Quiz there knowledge about the different toys they use and how they intend to introduce them to you, do they practice with the different whips and how often, Quiz their knowledge about types of play you would both like to engage in, have they done it before, could they talk you through a scene they are familiar with. Don't get all blurry eyed at how wonderful they are, they are thinking about a lot of things, give them space to think, trying to *** attention can be a big put off to some Domm/Domme, and they need you to be in a competent frame of mind to answer truthfully any questions they may pose to you. These are the basics guys n gals, but it's a good starting point to the consideration process, take your time, and have fun. You may not get a Domm/Domme or sub at the end but you will get a very good lifelong friend, that can help and assist you in the future
lolli-leigh Posted May 9, 2021 Author Posted May 9, 2021 Thank you for your wise words BG. I hope the post supports others in there journey too.
UK**** Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 On 4/30/2021 at 8:13 AM, CopperKnob said: Totality relatable, i took a break, a moment to reflect and came back a much different person whilst still continuing to learn about BDSM and myself x What was it you discovered/realised in the break that changed your way of thinking?
CopperKnob Posted May 9, 2021 Posted May 9, 2021 13 minutes ago, UK_Knight said: What was it you discovered/realised in the break that changed your way of thinking? Thats a really personal question 🤔 and without going into heaps of detail with strangers, it was primarily my own attachment style. But secondly, i think that when this is all new and shiny you want to rush into things (i did) and it can be overwhelming with all the thiesty guys out there. So yeah, absolitely good to take a break and spend some time reflecting on matters
UK**** Posted May 10, 2021 Posted May 10, 2021 9 hours ago, CopperKnob said: Thats a really personal question 🤔 and without going into heaps of detail with strangers, it was primarily my own attachment style. But secondly, i think that when this is all new and shiny you want to rush into things (i did) and it can be overwhelming with all the thiesty guys out there. So yeah, absolitely good to take a break and spend some time reflecting on matters Sorry, didn't mean to pry just thought your own self-discovery may help others in a similar position. I believe the biggest danger for all new people is the natural desire to rush into this.
lolli-leigh Posted May 12, 2021 Author Posted May 12, 2021 *update* so I have spent the last few days relaxing my mind and body to the as described *sub frenzy* . I have felt calmer in myself and continue to reflect on my Bdsm experience.I have even considered whether I even wish to submit , not just to who I am under consideration with at present but at all haha With more information awareness arrives. I woke this morning hot and wet, knowing that I had been dreaming of something but unable to recall what.As I slowly woke I recalled that I had been dreaming of submission. I soon realised that my body and mind were in tune with each other ,I reached down and teased myself thinking only of my submission not sex,not anyone else just submission giving the freedom of control to someone else really turns me on. Hell this self reflection can be fun too haha.
lolli-leigh Posted May 15, 2021 Author Posted May 15, 2021 *update* I have reflected alot this week on my emotional responces to submissive behaviours in myself. I have had huge revalations this week. 1st I am naturally dominant in real life because I have had too be. I have always wanted to submit /give that power to others. However I have found it hard to let go and trust. 2nd my first experience of sex, control was taken away from me. I have reflected in this week and realised that I often shut my mind off when having sex and let my body enjoy instead of my mind. This week that changed, I often squirm and make quite alot of noise when orgasming. i think I do this is because I could not when I first had sex (frozen mentally and physically). However, I have been thinking about submission and behaviours ie, being quiet,being controlled. This lead to self play with mini wand and laying still no moaning. Hell Silence is Golden. This has reframed my mine set, I took control of my mind, body and soul and God it felt great. 3rdly I learned that my body and mind is mine. He is gentelly playing with my mind at the moment and I hope in the future my body haha as we explore our consideration together, I am beginning to relax and recognise the importance of patience in this process. Finally, I thank you for guidance, patience, respectfulness and support you mean the world to me as a teacher, friend and if it becomes more then so be. If it doesn't u know I am not letting you go as a friend Right lol , those who help others grow are far to precious to let go x
UK**** Posted May 17, 2021 Posted May 17, 2021 On 5/15/2021 at 6:08 AM, leigh-8980 said: *update* If it doesn't u know I am not letting you go as a friend Right lol , those who help others grow are far to precious to let go x That's so good to hear you say about him, it's hard IF relationships end but we shouldn't forget the other aspects of a person beyond the D/s. If we can put aside whatever made you not want a D/s journey with that person and still be good friends, then that's ideal. I think it's so important to have friends in the scene, who you can be open with, can learn from and can support each other. Sometimes on here, the message filters get in the way of friendships. You may not want a relationship with someone whose age is too far away from yours but I suspect that you may still consider them for friends but it's a blunt tool. I wish there was more granularity in the filters as some on here ask for friends but their filters limit initial contact as the person is outside their relationship goals. So just remember, someone may not make first contact for friendship because they can't. So when you need friends reach out yourself too.
lolli-leigh Posted May 21, 2021 Author Posted May 21, 2021 *update* I am feeling relaxed and happy in myself. I am spending time thinking about my kinks and finding that I just need to think about my submission and I get excited hehe. I am still reading lots and considering my own submissive style and what I like. I find when I am stressed I think about my submission and feel it relaxes me. It's like a little comfort blanket :). I feel safe and happy.
Deleted Member Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 On 4/30/2021 at 6:38 AM, leigh-8980 said: What does Under Consideration mean to me. So here goes my thoughts and feelings on my new experiences of being under consideration. I am still new to Bdsm and I am exploring my own body, thought, feeling, ***, pleasure, wants and desires. In the beginning I was as high as a kite, rushing into wanting to explore everything and everything. I am pretty logical and reflective person, however I do tend to get over excited with new friendships/relationships and even new activities (attachment issues and all that). What I have learned from the books I have read, the teaching from the more experienced people in here and unfortunately from those less experienced (I am a watcher of people) and from my own reflection, is that the initial stages of Bdsm exploring it a very dangerous position to be in. Why!!! you may ask. Let's explore 1. lack of knowledge, 2. Eagarness to play leads to rushing in (not thinking about, SSC, and RACK). 3.Open to Emotional manipulation and many more. I suppose what I am trying to say is and what my Dom friend has supported me with is slowdown, to breath, gain knowledge, understand yourself , raise your expectations, communicate well and don't be afraid to ask questions. A good Dom will support, nurture, teach, while ensuring that you and he/her are safe. As for being under consideration for me it is about all the above as learning, and developing,friendship/relationships /dynamics /play buddies etc, take time. As for being under consideration my self, I thank my friend and whether we progress further into Dom/sub or not I know I have been blessed to have met you. ps please do not ask me who he is. I will not disclose that information unless we both want to and at present we don't. Thank you, I needed this 😘
lolli-leigh Posted May 21, 2021 Author Posted May 21, 2021 your welcome xx that is my aim of sharing my experiences xx glad it helped xxx
Deleted Member Posted May 21, 2021 Posted May 21, 2021 The more I read the more I see myself in what you've wrote... I'm glad you found an excellent teacher and I hope one day I will find someone as well. So far my experiences haven't been good at all and now I'm starting to understand why... sub frenzy. Thank you x
lolli-leigh Posted May 22, 2021 Author Posted May 22, 2021 8 hours ago, Just_Curious_87 said: The more I read the more I see myself in what you've wrote... I'm glad you found an excellent teacher and I hope one day I will find someone as well. So far my experiences haven't been good at all and now I'm starting to understand why... sub frenzy. Thank you x I am glad that this had helped x
lolli-leigh Posted June 4, 2021 Author Posted June 4, 2021 *update Dealing with Sub Drop The last week has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. I have had amazing highs and some pretty low points. As I continue my journey, I am learning about what makes me tick and this has been difficult for me. I won't go in to detail as this is my journey, however I want to share what has helped and not helped. 1. journal writing helps process thoughts, however all so triggers emotions. Be prepared for emotional times. 2. talking about it let's him/her know that the way you are feeling and takes away any misunderstanding. 3. meeting up with others in the Bdsm world, exspands your knowledge and gets different perspectives on what is happening for you. 4. Feelings are yours to own and work though. 5. It is OK to feel what we feel, however it is not OK to stand still and not reflect on these feelings. Growth and change comes with reflection. 6. It is OK to Rest, I will repeat lol It is OK to Rest. Each of our journeys whether we are a D or s will be unique. As with each RL relationship or D/s it is a journey taken with another and needs to be worked at, communication is key as is self care. *side note* To those who's journey may end with their partners.(D/s or RL) A journey is never finished,you just sometimes take a different path to them.
Th**** Posted June 9, 2021 Posted June 9, 2021 Thank you for laying out some hard to find wisdom in your post Leigh. You are certainly growing in your self in leaps and bounds. Best of Luck on your journey. Respects to your teacher as well.
lolli-leigh Posted June 10, 2021 Author Posted June 10, 2021 7 hours ago, Thebian said: Thank you for laying out some hard to find wisdom in your post Leigh. You are certainly growing in your self in leaps and bounds. Best of Luck on your journey. Respects to your teacher as well. Thank you for you kind words, it is has been a difficult, emotional and stressful, beautiful, happy, caring journey so far as change often is xx
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