Switching roles?

[Nori-j]

So I’ve always been a sub (maybe a bit bratty)  

but recently my Dom has come to me saying that he wants to try something new and he wants to try switching. And give me control, it’s something he’s thought about for a long time and he really wants it and of course I want to make him happy and please him. But I don’t know how to explain to him that I don’t want to Dom?  Like I’m happy to do thing to/for him but I couldn’t actually Dom him?  I’m worried he’s going to want to swap long term or he will prefer it and it feels wrong for me? I’m really scared I’m going to lose my Dom but I don’t know how to explain it properly? Has anyone had a similar experience? Like I don’t know how to explain that I’m happy to do things to him but not Dom him. It makes sense in my head but I can’t word it properly and it’s really upsetting me

 

any one got any advice? 

[Deleted Member]

I am afraid this is commun as few men approached subs as Dom then try to convince them to switch. If you are not comfortable or it’s not your kink then he should respect your view in that matter. I don’t think it’s fair to start a Ds as a Dom without talking about the possibility to switch as some point. It should have been clear from the start.
I am a Dom with no intention to be a sub or switch from the start of my bdsm lifestyle. I never thought about it one second. But maybe some decide they want to try? I might be wrong but if your Dom ask you now it must have even in his mind for a while...
if it’s upset you then he need to rethink about it or find someone willing to do it

[Nori-j]

It doesn’t sound selfish that I don’t want to do it for him? :(

[Ni****]

You're being asked to do something that clearly makes you uncomfortable, so you're entirely within your rights to say No, and not selfish at all. If you're a sub with no switch / Domme tendencies, then you're being asked to do something opposite to your submissive nature, and it won't work / last. He has a choice, stay your Dom or follow his sub desires.

[qu****]

It's not selfish at all, even if you are sub you still have the right to use the most important word, NO, so try not to overly worry, if he's truly genuine he will understand

[MsDrawers]

It doesn't sound selfish at all, no, this isn't what you signed up for and is going to take some careful talking through to see if you can accommodate one another's needs. You say you like doing things for him? Might service topping be one of those things? You maintain your submissive identity but do to and for him as a service of devotion and affection? It might also help to pick these desires apart.
I have come across a number of men who identify as submissive but do so primarily as a means of satisfying desires they find difficult to ask for otherwise. This often seems to apply to specific acts which could be thought of (wrongly) as unmasculine or submissive. Of course no act is intrinsically anything, its the dynamic which lends it context and meaning, but these things persist.

First things first; you feel how you feel, it isn't right or wrong it just is so whether or not you can express it how you want to right now doesn't detract from its legitimacy. But really, it strikes me what this all needs is some sitting down, non-confrontationally, and talking it through. What does he actually want? Is it a break from being in charge altogether or just not planning everything out and being responsible for it? Alternatively, are there particular curiosities he has, like being pegged. Dudes are really bad at asking for that sometimes.

[Nori-j]

He brought up curiosity about my plugs and said he wanted to try and of course I’m okay with that and then it kinda went full on from there? Like from using that to pegging and edging and then he’s asking to be restrained and me make all his choices and use him. And I’m glad he feels comfortable telling me whah he wants and I wsnt to be able to do things for him. But It just feels wrong to me. I was fine with exploring things like plugs sndthe anal aspects of things. I want him to feel good. I said this to him and tried to explain Dom isn’t my thing and the thought of taking on his decisions and control like that really scares me but he thinks I’m just nervous and he tells me how he really wants it and he wants it to be me.
We have always been very emotionally close too so I don’t really want to say go elsewhere cos it’s not something we’ve ever done. But he’s always been so good to me and I feel bad if I can’t give that back. If that makes any sense?

[Deleted Member]

Oh I feel for you! Like you said as a submissive you want to please your dom but switching goes against your instincts. But as others have said if you dislike it or it makes you uncomfortable you're definitely not being selfish by not doing it.
If anything its a little bit selfish of him to put you in this predicament, presumably knowing from the off you are sub.
Unfortunately it is very common and this is why for me I make it very clear when talking to a possible new Dom/play partner that this is not ever going to be a possibility for me and I tried, in true sub spirit but it's not for me. It may seem harsh but I won't even consider playing with a switch now because as, in my experience, I've been told its fine they are more dom and will be happy with that, to then later wanting me to role reverse or bringing it up so in my mind its not worth it and I air on the side of avoidance.
I hope you are able to work it out between the two of you...remember communication is key 🙂

[MsDrawers]

  18 minutes ago, Nori-j said:

He brought up curiosity about my plugs and said he wanted to try and of course I’m okay with that and then it kinda went full on from there? Like from using that to pegging and edging and then he’s asking to be restrained and me make all his choices and use him. And I’m glad he feels comfortable telling me whah he wants and I wsnt to be able to do things for him. But It just feels wrong to me. I was fine with exploring things like plugs sndthe anal aspects of things. I want him to feel good. I said this to him and tried to explain Dom isn’t my thing and the thought of taking on his decisions and control like that really scares me but he thinks I’m just nervous and he tells me how he really wants it and he wants it to be me.
We have always been very emotionally close too so I don’t really want to say go elsewhere cos it’s not something we’ve ever done. But he’s always been so good to me and I feel bad if I can’t give that back. If that makes any sense?

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Ah, I thought butt stuff might be in the mix. Its tough too, to draw a firm line with your dominant. Even as he's telling you what he wants though, I notice he is being incredibly authoritative, dictatorial almost. So again, I wonder if he really wants to relinquish control at all or just wants to be able to explore anal play without taking ownership of those desires. If so, perhaps there is a compromise here which suits you both. If he really only wants you to tie him up etc in the context of pegging, what he seems to be saying is that he really wants to be pegged but isn't totally comfortable with the thought of that so wants you to take the decision out of his hands. 

[Ultraspike]

I've been talking about this as a potential thing with my Domme as well. I'm a switch anyway, so it's not as major a thing for me,

[Ultraspike]

I still worry about how the dynamic might change, based on her being sub to me, because now, it's very much, I'm hers completely and utterly submissive to her and I don't want to risk that. She's very clear that her hands would still be very firmly on the reins, but you have a reasonable point. Especially since you're not a switch yourself.

[Ultraspike]

(Stupid thumbs hitting the send button before I'd finished)

[ashleymaeve]

I'm having a similar concern. I'm fairly subby, but my current partner is also submissive and is keen for me to dominate her....the sub in me is desperate to do what she wants to please her, but I can't help feeling mean!

What has helped me is discussing with her exactly the kind of things she wants me to say and do beforehand, and compromising - for example, I find it really difficult to slap her in the face, but I can inflict *** by pinching her hard on the arm or neck, which doesn't make me feel uncomfortable and satisfies her specific needs 🖤

[NY****]

When I started this dynamic with my husband I was very honest that switching or me being placed in a situation of Dom would destroy every bit of confidence I have and we tried to be open about it. I always thought he might like to be a sub too but as we progress he truly now is more into Dom role and he has said he doesn’t have any interest in sub tendency or roles. I was so relieved so I understand your concern it would be mine too. I’d be ok to try pegging but he does not want to but that is really all I can think I’d be comfortable with. So when you look at the dynamic we are all in first and foremost for a sub to submit is to trust and want to hand over those reigns. If it is on a soft or hard list it doesn’t enter into play until it’s off those lists so it seems to me switch is a hard no and there is nothing wrong with that and no you are not in pleasing sub mode with that not already on table

[Nori-j]

We have been in this dynamic for years, and people have always joked I don’t ever seem the submissive type and we have always laughed about it since I’ve never been anything but submissive with him. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I’ll make him work for it but we both know I’m doing it to work him up. Subbing for me is so calming and sometimes I NEED him to be in control of me. The thought of losing that is scary and the thought of being in control of him is terrifying. I’m feeling a lot better that so many of you are saying that it’s understandable I’m feeling this way, I felt like I was being unreasonable or selfish not giving him this when he gives me so much. Thanks everyone

[ey****]

this scenario comes up fairly commonly and there's a number of ways this could/should go

In all scenarios you have to have a conversation about what you are and are not happy to do.  Among anything else this could be a whole new kettle of limits and boundaries.

Next up. What does work for some people is that the Dominant can give instructions to the submissive to do things to/for them which could be seen as switching - so whilst you might not want to be any form of Dominant, you might be willing to spank/peg/tie/whatever your Dominant if they asked you to.

I would empathise while this works for other people, it might not work for you.

A next line of thought.    You could explain that YOU won't do these, but you might not have a problem with the Dominant seeking out a relationship where they are submissive to someone else.  You can still set a boundary that you are still their sub and this shouldn't affect your pre-existing relationship

This again, works for some people, it might not work for you.

But it also might be that you have to put your foot down, this is not something you can do or be and persistence and *** from your Dominant to do this is actually disrespectful to your boundaries and limits.

Obviously this might be something they find frustrating, but if they will not respect your boundary, this is not going to work 

[NY****]

Yes I agree!!! I feel the same way you do Nori and honestly same goes for me outside to vanilla relationships I think others would be shocked since I’m so outgoing and they would never believe I am a submissive by heart. I couldn’t handle any other way I’d crumble honestly. Communication is key. I will say this... we just started 24:7 about 6 months ago after dabbling in for years and I was very worried and concerned he was doing only to pls me but I’m feeling more and more comfortable about it as I feel his Dom role has helped him tremendously as he is seriously laid back and almost at times forgetful and too laid back. This has helped our marraige triple fold! I think now he realizes so many more things now that he understands submissives and what we need