pomonagirls guide to BDSM & Kink events: a short-ish introduction all about educational, social, and play events!

[pomonagirl]

If you have hit me up wanting "to get to know me" or meet me in the last few years, it's likely that i told you: COME FIND ME AT AN EVENT.

This is usually met with crickets, but sometimes the person will be curious and start asking me about events: what they are like, how do they find out about them, what can a person expect.

i thought i'd write this all down here for newbies (or not-so-newbies) that have never been to an event and are curious!

 

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Before the pandemic i attended different types of events focused on Kink & BDSM as often as i could for about a year and a half. Each group or venue is a little different but all the things i went to were a lot of fun (or at the very least, interesting!!)

my focus is on BDSM and most of the events i have attended focused on BDSM, D/s or Kink. The events i attended where in Los Angeles or LA County---i am lucky to live in an area with LOTS of diverse play parties, discussion groups, munches, meet ups and educational opportunities.

All of the events i have attended i found here on fetlife under the "events" tab. Before attending a new venue or group, i would usually ask a few experienced Lifestyle friends their opinion on the club or group.

Word of mouth recommendation and honest critique from people that you trust is the best!!

 

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Classes have a fun, low-pressure & educational vibe. i enjoy attending both "hard skill" classes like rope bondage, flogging, etc. and "soft skill" classes like on negotiating a contract for a D/s relationship.

If you are new to the scene, a "BDSM101" or "Dungeon Etiquette" class should be mandatory before you attend your first play party.

There is typically no play/no sceneing during a class, but there might be portions where the instructor does some demonstrations, or have the class practice all together.

 

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Munches are fun, kind of like a meeting of a book club or other interest group. People talk, socialize, eat and there is usually a portion where the host has announcements or leads a group discussion.

Using a munch as "hunting grounds" is generally not encouraged, but they are excellent places to meet others in the lifestyle and hear about other events. If you are cool enough/put off a good vibe/talk to enough people, you might get invited to play parties, too!

Since a lot of people don't seem to know---Munches are typically held in a public, vanilla venue (like a restaurant or pub). Most munches have a vanilla dress code (since it is held at a public venue) and there is NO PLAY at a munch.

 

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The Play Parties i went to were at Dungeons (Lair De Sade, Threshold, Sanctuary LAX) and i always enjoyed myself. The Dungeons typically have nights that are open to the public, and other nights that are for members only.

At the Dungeons there is usually a main room, side rooms/play rooms, and a social area. Typically there is no play allowed in the social area, which is nice if you are feeling overwhelmed and need a breather.

my favorite nights at the Dungeon were nights where there was a class or presentation/demonstration followed by a play party...if i played, or did not play, it was always a fun and entertaining night of Kink & BDSM!!

 

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There are also things like discussion groups (once i went to a discussion/support group for female submissives) as well as "skill share" nights where people get together and practice, for example, rope.

 

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What to expect at an event?

 

Once i found myself seated in a dark, cavernous space. The dim lighting showed various wood & leather furniture apparatuses, most of them adorned with writhing, semi-naked or naked bodies. People of all shapes and sizes cavorted about, some in Latex, Leather, Lingerie, or even *** Cosplay!

Screams of *** and delight echoed through the large room.

A tall, mysterious person, clad head-to-toe in black, flowing garments caught my eye. After a little while they approached me and asked if i wanted to chat.

We ended up talking at length, there on the old, worn-in leather couch in the corner of the large dungeon space. They told me many things but the one that stood out the most was:

"Go to as many events as you can. Eventually, you will find your people."

 

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Any venue or group will have it's own rules or codes of conduct. These rules should be available either on their website, or event description here on fet. If you are unclear about any of the rules or what you can expect, please feel free to send a message to one of the event organizers. They will be more than happy to answer any questions you have.

Believe me, when it comes to Kink & BDSM, it is better to ask, than to assume!!

 

All the events that i went to, were ones where you can go by yourself. Meaning: i didn't need a date to attend. MEANING: YOU CAN GO BY YOURSELF!!!!

It's a HUGE pet ***ve of mine when an inexperienced Dominant hits me up online and asks me to take him to an event. Listen pal, if i, an unattached submissive, has the resolve, moxie and bravery to go by myself...then YOU DO TO!!!

 

If you are feeling super nervous about attending an event, feel free to send a message to one of the event organizers. They should be very accommodating and help to put you at ease. Once you arrive at the event, you can tell the person at the door that you are new and would like a tour of the facility. There are usually staff and volunteers who are happy to give "newbies" a tour and rundown!

 

There are some events (i think usually swinger/sex parties) where you must be a part of a couple (or there is different prices/limited capacity for singles) but i have never attended any of those types of parties.

 

Pretty much universal in BDSM/Kink events is "no means no" and no touching without consent. A few other typically universal rules at play parties:

--no cell phone usage inside the venue

--interrupting someone's play scene is not allowed

--"RED" is the club safeword

--if you see something that looks like it goes against club rules you are encouraged to talk to a member of staff or security about it

 

Some events allow/serve liquor but generally drunkenness/inebriation is not encouraged. Other events do not allow alcohol at all.

As a person that came from a raver/dance club background, this was a little hard to get used to! But, it really makes sense. As a Dominant or Top, you DON'T want to be swinging a flogger or whip around if your perception is off. And as a submissive or bottom, you DON'T want your judgement or *** threshold to be dulled by ***.

 

Usually different nights at the Dungeons will have a theme, or different rules about what is, and is not allowed. This can mean that some nights sex and nudity is allowed, some nights it is not. Some nights certain forms of "edge play" might be allowed (for example, watersports, fire play or needle play).

It can also mean that some nights are reserved for certain types of play (for example, a FemDom night, where the play is restricted to female Dominat-lead scenes).

 

You don't have to play in order to attend a play party. You are free to observe, or socialize. If someone approaches you to play, you can either say yes or no.

If you feel unsafe for any reason at a Dungeon you should be able to approach any staff or security and let them know what is going on.

 

Swinger, nudist, or other types of events might be different but in my experience at BDSM events, people are mostly pretty cool. The scene is kind of small and most of the "regulars" want to uphold a good reputation (more chance to play if you have a good reputation).

 

A lot of people complain about "cliqueshness" in their local scene and that is a shame. i would say...don't let that stop you from attending. In my experience, some people are more talkative or open to conversing, and others are there focused on spending time with their partners or friends.

If you attend different events often enough, you will start to find people to talk with and maybe even play with!!

 

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Why Go? Education, Techniques, Safety and Socialization!

 

Attending events (educational, discussion & play parties) can be a huge boon on any person's journey in Kink & BDSM if they approach it the right way. Least of which is that it is nice to not feel so alone in being drawn to Kink & BDSM.

Seeing, being around, and chatting with others in the Kink & BDSM Lifestyle, and understanding how they are all regular, diverse people is a wonderful thing.

 

If you begin to attend regularly you will eventually start to develop a network of friends and acquaintances who (hopefully) have your back!

It's very important to have friends (i mean friends as in people that you aren't playing with/sleeping with) that are also involved in Kink & BDSM to talk to about all of these things. Even if we confide in a Vanilla friend, they will not fully understand this Lifestyle and may not be the best person to talk to about Kinky Topics.

 

Other than socialization, going to classes is great for both Dominants/Tops as well as submissives/bottoms!!

If you are a Top or Dominant who is just starting out, attending classes will give you some great tips on safety, techniques and best practices.

And if you are a submissive or bottom, attending classes on Topping skills will give you that same info on safety and best practices...which can help you better discern between a good or not-so-good player.

 

Attending Play Parties can be a safer alternative to meeting people from online and playing in private. Even if you aren't an exhibitionist or voyeurs, feeling safe can lead to very enjoyable BDSM experiences.

 

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It was really hard for me to start attending events---it was on my "hard limit" list for quite a while!! i felt so nervous to go. But once i started attending it became easier and easier.

i also did "baby steps"---first i attended a mixer/social, then a class, then a munch and then a play party.

There are always a million reasons TO NOT GO. And that is fine. If you don't want to/can't go...that's ok. Like me, you might change your mind down the road.

Events will be there when you are ready.

BUT, if things aren't working out for you online so much, or you wish to really explore and learn about Kink & BDSM through a much wider lens, PLEASE DO consider just "SAYING YES" and attending any event that seems up your alley!!

[Searching-7197]

Wow!!! Thank you so much for this post!!! I had no idea any of this was a thing... and now I do haha!! I can't wait to attend my first event!! Oh my goodness I'm excited already to show up alone and to just see where the night takes me...

In your expectations, how do people approach the, "how recent was you last STD panel?" type of questions?

Thank you so much again!!!

[pomonagirl]

Hi Searching! Thank you so much for reading, and for leaving your nice comment!! i'm so glad that i could shed some light on this part of the Kink & BDSM lifestyle. 

 

Your question is really great (and REALLY important). In BDSM 101 classes they teach about "scene negotiation".

 

Say you are at a Dungeon and someone approached you..you got to talking and decided to talk about playing. Then you would do the "scene negotiation". If both of you wanted to have sex/sexual acts during your scene, this is the right time to ask about STD status, condom use, etc. 

 

In Kink & BDSM communication is one of the most important things that we can do. Clear and appropriate communication is one of the keys to having a successful play scene. If you were at a Dungeon or Play Party and someone DID want to engage in sex or sex acts with you....but DID NOT want to talk about health & safety....that is a big RED FLAG!!! 

 

Think about it this way: if a person is too embarrassed or has something to hide and will not discuss STD status with you before you play or have sex....what happens if something goes wrong and you need to say a safeword? i try to err on the side of caution and if a person acts shady or can't give me a straight answer on something i will not play with them. The stakes (physical and emotional) in BDSM play can be A LOT higher than in vanilla life.

 

It can be awkward/embarrassing to do scene negotiations & have these frank discussions about health status. But the more you do it the easier it gets. Especially when you realize that negotiating the play scene sets up both peoples' expectations and parameters. Which means that both people can enjoy the experience more!!

 

Personally, most of the BDSM play that i do does not involve sex or fluid exchange so it's not a part of the discussion i would usually have before playing at a Dungeon or Play Party. Spanking and Impact Play are more what i enjoy doing. So i make sure to ask the Dominant about their style of spanking and flogging...if they are experienced...what toys they have & might like to use...and if they are ok with starting slow and verbally checking in with me. i also make sure to go over safewords and anything else that is pertinent to the type of play that we negotiate doing. Like, if they want to put me on a St Andrews Cross, but my knee has been acting up (an old ***) i would tell them that i might not be able to stand in one position for very long. Or if he had a lot of paddles and whips i would look at them and let him know which ones i would prefer, and which ones i don't want him to use. i also make sure to tell them about my boundary with sex/fluid exchange so that he isn't expecting sex, or a blowjob, or a make out session afterwards! :) 

 

One other thing---at different types of play parties (like some swinger or gangbang parties) some groups require recent proof of STD testing before arriving/upon arrival to the party. i have never been to this type of party before but have heard of it being a requirement for some groups. It's a cool system and even though i'm sure some people fake the paperwork (gross) it helps to keep everyone safe and healthy.

[Deleted Member]

Excellent advice and knowledge. Thanks for posting this essential guide.

[Searching-7197]

Pomonagirl!!  ♥️🌼♥️ You are so fantastic!  Thank you for taking the time to answer my question...and so thoroughly!!  

i seriously can't wait to attend my first.. second...third...event!!!  :) Everything I've read sounds amazing.

Two additional questions for you but if it feels like I'm taking advantage of your time and kindness please just say so... (I definitely don't want to be the obnoxious newbie who should be finding these questions out for herself elsewhere...)

Below are the two questions but absolutely tell me to "go away" if need be:)

1. Ok, during scene negotiations, when I'm told "oh yeah, my last STD panel was a week ago...and I'm clean..." Am I expected to just take his word for it?  At the play parties that don't require proof before playing, do we all carry our paperwork around with us?  Haha! No, that doesn't seem practical at all...

2.  I read about being careful when someone says he's a Dom, to make sure he's a real one...?  Um, how do I make sure, other than simply how I feel getting to know him?  For example, I'm loving talking to someone right now and I'm pretty sure we're making plans to carry out our first meet up...do I ask him for his credentials...? are 'real' Doms certificated...?  (No, that's silly, right?  I mean, I feel silly texting it...lol...) So how do I make sure?

Have a lovely day Pamonagirl, and thank you so much again for your time:)

Sincerely,

Searching

 

[pomonagirl]

Hi Searching!! Oooooh those are two REALLY good questions there...i'm so glad you are thinking about these things & asking. 

i'm going to send you a private message since there is A LOT of things to consider with what you are asking!! :) 

 

BUT----as you explore BDSM and Kink, ALWAYS listen to your instincts. Your instincts will help keep you out of trouble. 

 

A lot of people that call themselves Dominant will tell you right away "I know what's best for you", "You don't have to think anymore", or "Just obey me".

 

To me, this type of statement is problematic and can be an indicator that the Dominant is just wanting to use you or manipulate you (not in a good and fun way). How can any person know what's best for you or ask you to blindly obey everything he says if you don't know each other much at all?????

 

In BDSM the titles that we have are mostly self-given (there is no state governing board that certifies Dominants, Masters, slaves, littles, etc). These terms mean different things to each person, so it can get confusing. Sadly, a lot of men online use the term "Dominant" or "Master" but really all they want is blow jobs and rough sex at the of their fingers (which is ok if that is the type of Dominance that you want in your life).

 

Even worse, a lot of people that use the term "Dominant" or "Master" actually have issues that make them need to manipulate/control/isolate women, which in itself can be ***, and can lead to bad physical and mental ***.

 

In my opinion/definition of what a Dominant or Master is----it is a person who is in control of themselves. They should show integrity in all the things that they do and work to lift up their friends, loved ones, and to show kindness to all the people that they meet on a daily basis. They should treat their play partners/submissives with the utmost respect. They should lead by example and if he is the right Dominant for you, your trust in him will grow over time---not because they demanded it, but because they showed that they are trustworthy through their actions over time.

 

They should have excellent communication skills, and always respect your boundaries/limits (even if they push you a little or talk to you about pushing things). Being DOMINEERING (aka, being a pushy asshole) IS NOT DOMINANCE. 

 

Just a few thoughts but i will message you privately!!! You are awesome and so brave for exploring this and with time and keeping your head on your shoulders i know you will go far in this lifestyle.