Needing validation?

August 22, 2021

Hope this thread is ok here...
So last night was my first evening out drinking and being openly Poly. I met with a good (although crazy lol) friend, and the guy shes seeing (we will refer to him as W) and his cousin.

They obviously had questions which I was more than happy to answer, and stuff about kink/BDSM came up in conversation. Now W had also brought up a lot of kinky sort of stuff which made me think he knows what hes doing - or at least knows the basics. I made it clear I'm not a big fan of hair pulling -and dont allow it with extensions in ever because it really hurts. He is attractive but the more he drank the more I felt a bit uncomfortable. while we were out there was a slight flirting from me and he flirted back and as I went to grab his nipple playing about, he grabbed my arm and sunk his teeth into me. Now I had say I like biting earlier on,but this hurt. really deep marks (still swollen and bruised now and hurts to touch) I told him it hurt and kissed it better. Fine, I thought he clearly had a drink and didnt know his own strength - so I sort of just forgave it as such.
He carried on drinking and I was talking to the cousin who was far more gentleman like and just polite general chit chat when my friend came in and ordered we go sit out side as they'd made "new friends"... So we moved.
Me and Her sat either side of W, while cousin sat opposite with two random guys theyd just made friends with. She wondered off and left me sitting with W. He then proceeded to grab my hair and yank my head back, I told him not to because of my extensions... which he ignored and bit my neck, his reply was.. oh you really are a sub aren't you. completely ignoring the fact that I was genuinely not happy. He then re-grabbed my hair harder to which I asked him to please let it go and kept trying to make me kiss him, and ordered I did (as you know, subs dont have a say URH), which i didn't - BUT I almost did just to get him to stop hurting me. He then bit me really hard on the neck and I squealed, The second I felt some pressure release - I pushed away and sat with his cousin who I trusted. This point he is very drunk admittedly. I then quickly decided I'd rather go home to my Hub/NP who would never hurt me and never pushes boundaries and I felt safe with. Both friend and W were trying to convince me to stay out and even stay the night at W's - yeah that was never going to happen. They even said about me just hanging out at W's until hub could get me. Still no thanks. I had no trust in his behaviour. But it was like I was being melodramatic because I'm into Kink/BDSM, Poly sex-positive,bratty sub etc, Like that means my body is a free-for-all. The only one that apologised for the actions of W was his cousin.
I got to the train station and my train had been cancelled so hub drove to get me - W hugged him and said hey etc... but once we were driving off I explained what had happened and he was really annoyed (which I knew he would be which is why i waited until we had gone).

But heres the thing - I enjoy BDSM and kink when I'm within my limits with a trusting partner. but this made me feel so uncomfortable that I thought maybe I dont like BDSM. Also made me question was this all my fault, did I bring this behaviour on myself... Am I being over the top etc? It's certainly put me back on the dating front because I'm now really nervous of guys again - I should add W is in the police. So someone in a position of power and that you'd trust usually.
Just feel mentally and physically drained from the experience =(

August 23, 2021

It's not you, you may have flirted and been open about things you like (or don't) but that doesn't give him the right to ignore you. He clearly doesn't know enough about the lifestyle to be safe.

At the end of the day it's about the people we put our trust into. He isn't someone you should ever trust by the sound of it.

August 23, 2021

You are within your rights to say no sub or not if you have already said that you don't like or not comfy with then that shoukd be that I always make sure I know limits ask a lot of questions first. Just because you like the life style doesn't give someone the right to treat you that way. It's all about respect and gettingvti know what you like and don't so it's enjoyable for both . X

August 23, 2021

Woah this is NOT you!
This wasn’t kinky this was bullying & ***. You may be a sub but you have rights & you have a voice. No means No in any setting.
Being a sub requires having a strong mind & being able to ‘yes or no’ when required. You were able to do that which shows you know your own mind & you are being true to yourself, your likes & your dislikes. That’s what BDSM needs.
Having someone *** that trust is not ok & is no reflection on you or your desires.
Don’t give up on what you love just because some idiot has watched ‘50 Shades….’ & now thinks he knows it all & gives him the key to belittling people.
Well done for being amazing & walking away.
Your safety comes first.
Look at yourself in the mirror & congratulate yourself on the fact that this moron won’t ever get a piece of you 😊

August 23, 2021

This was absolutely not your fault. I'm really sorry to hear you had to suffer this *** at the hands of someone you should have been able to trust.

This is why, in my opinion, kink and alcohol shouldn't mix. Alcohol blurs boundaries, smears consent and inhibits safety of all those involved.

You did the right thing getting your hub out to pick you up. Personally I think W (and people like that) could do with a gentle reminder that those sort of actions can constitute *** when non-consnsual. I get that he wasn't a stranger to you, but if it had continued or if you'd not been able to distance yourself from it, you would have been within your rights to call the police.

Anyway, I hope this doesn't put you off or stop you being you. It's always a few a-holes that ruin stuff for everyone else...

August 23, 2021

In simple terms, W's actions were criminal offences - s. 39 and 47 of the Offences Against the Person Act 1861. Without clear, continued, enthusiastic and informed consent what he did also violated generally agreed morals of BDSM. As a copper he really ought to now better.

Self-questioning is common in such situations, not least because people tend to want to think the best in others and find reasons to excuse such behaviour - alcohol, mixed messages, misinterpreted flirting, etc. - but it's usually quite clear when someone is behaving in a selfish and/or stupid manner. Such actions in a puboic place are also unacceptable since other patrons won't have been consulted as to their consent to witnessing rough play, unlike a formal kinky play event.

I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience. Regaining trust is never easy but I hope you can meet better-behaved Dominants and Tops in a social setting and re-build up to physical interactions in due course. If W is on the scene I'd be warning local event organisers in case there's a pattern emerging.

I wish you well in overcoming this incident. Sadly it's not the first such that I've encountered within BDSM.

August 23, 2021

Sorry about that experience. As the other kinksters below said this is not a bdsm attitude! It’s someone who think women who are into bdsm can be ***d the way he wants or think they should be! Just don’t ever meet him again.
One thing I don’t do is mixing alcohol and bdsm. Not that I would behave the same way but it shows that some men can’t control themselves and could put you in a very dangerous position. Imagine if he had take you back at his place, it would have end up even worse. So my advice is to never meet potentials and drink or leave if they are drinking.
But please don’t give up the scene just because of him..

August 23, 2021

You did nothing wrong. Nothing. Saying that you like something (biting) is NOT consent for anyone to do that. He ***ed you and your "friend" stood by and didn't defend you or do anything about it. This guy has stupid biased misogynistic opinions of what your preferences mean. Many people do - many people think a woman in a short skirt deserves to be ***ed. This is no different - he is at fault, you didn't give your consent to anything he did. Please don't doubt yourself as you did right to stand up to him and get yourself to safety.

August 23, 2021

He likely learned anything he knew from porn sites and his own deluded thoughts of what a dynamic should be. Like the other comments said he ***ed you. There was no consent from you, it definitely wasn’t sane if he was drunk and he showed no respect for you. You did the right thing to leave. You probably need to have a chat with your friend when it’s just the two of you and no alcohol involved about what happened though.

August 23, 2021

In short, no this wasn't you - you're cutting him too much flak in even thinking it was (ditto for some of the, "he's been drinking")

long and short you have been both sexually and physically ***ed.

August 23, 2021

In the eyes of the law that is ***.
Did you consent: no.
Did you enter into play with him: no.
Did you discuss/negotiate limits: no.
Is alcohol helpful: no.
Did he have any right to do what he did: no.
Can he be trusted: clearly not.
Do you hold any of the fault/blame: no.
Should you have slapped him hard in the face: yes.

August 23, 2021

The fault is not yours, if i read it cotrectly, it is on W's head, he violated your consent and boundries despite your protestations. As said above its a mixture of sexual and pyhsical ***, leaning to ABH if he left bruises.

Personally i would go to the police and report him, at the very least tell the 'crazy' friend what he did, and that he is not welcome because of that incident at future meetings between you, and if he turns up you will just leave.

It may cost you a friend but can you keep her in your circle if she continues to see W as your paths will cross in the future and you may not be as lucky next time as he could do anything to get your defences down, to get what he wants. How many times do we hear about someone being ruffied and then ***d.

Under no curcumstance try and normalise what happened, W is a car crash waiting to happen, you got out at the stop before, this time, dont get back in the car.

August 23, 2021

while personally I love that sort of treatment if you don't then its not acceptible, sub or no you set your limits and no means no, with collector here as a minimum you need to raise this with your friend, not least for her protection as well, if W thinks he can get away with it with you how long before he internalises getting away with it once to mean he can do it to other women too. please take care of your safety ty for courage to post the uurgh experience

August 23, 2021

Some people are dicks. W is one of them. It's not about being into BDSM, or your fault in one sense - you showed you didn't like it, this guy ignored that. In another sense you can indeed take responsibility for this - this is a filtering issue to me - why were you in his social circle, what does that say about yours? Etc etc etc. Reassess that. Take care of yourself, keep wits about you. There are lots of great, trustworthy, good people around - and there's are lots of people who are not good to be around. They exist, we live in a world with them. It's not ideal but that's the reality. Find and hang out with the good ones exclusively as much as possible. Let your assertiveness come out strong with the bad ones when you happen on them, protect yourself. Keep your boundaries. Not attacking beyond what's needed - if a person is trying to get across that boundary, you have full right to firmly and clearly let him and *everyone* around you know - calmly - that *that* is NOT ok. If it makes some people uncomfortable... fine. Let them think what they want. Chalk the whole thing up to experience. When you're ready again, get out there again and have safe fun.

August 23, 2021

I agree with all the other posts! Not that all cops are bad, but it's a job to them and I tend to find it's not that uncommon for people in a power position to get a trip from it and like to put on a show of ***. I think they know they make people uncomfortable, they just don't care, they selfishly ignore other people's preferences or limits, because they only care about getting what they want. With experience, you get to spot the people with these types of personalities. You'll have learned from this one, thankfully it wasn't any worse of an experience than what it was. W is not a nice person and should not at all be trusted as a cop or a Dom. Like others have said, I'd just completely avoid him in future!

There's many Dom who are not like that, they respect limits, they like to give pleasure, it's not about all take and no give, there has to be thought and care for the sub's well being. Continue educating yourself on proper procedures and what good communication looks like from a Dom. Avoid any that give you red flags, in this situation you could've left sooner, but all things considered you done great!

Stay safe and I hope you manage to find a good Dom.

August 23, 2021

11 minutes ago, Aeonova said:

Some people are dicks. W is one of them. It's not about being into BDSM, or your fault in one sense - you showed you didn't like it, this guy ignored that. In another sense you can indeed take responsibility for this - this is a filtering issue to me - why were you in his social circle, what does that say about yours? Etc etc etc. Reassess that. Take care of yourself, keep wits about you. There are lots of great, trustworthy, good people around - and there's are lots of people who are not good to be around. They exist, we live in a world with them. It's not ideal but that's the reality. Find and hang out with the good ones exclusively as much as possible. Let your assertiveness come out strong with the bad ones when you happen on them, protect yourself. Keep your boundaries. Not attacking beyond what's needed - if a person is trying to get across that boundary, you have full right to firmly and clearly let him and *everyone* around you know - calmly - that *that* is NOT ok. If it makes some people uncomfortable... fine. Let them think what they want. Chalk the whole thing up to experience. When you're ready again, get out there again and have safe fun.
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If you read the post she met with a friend, who is dating W, and his cousin, it sounds like it was also her first meeting with W and his cousin.

Even if it wasnt thier first meeting ***rs are very good at hiding who they are until they see an opportunity or the alcohol reduces their ability to control themselves.

August 23, 2021

Ps i missed the part about him being in the police, and that makes it.more important to report him via the IOPC, just get his name and which station he works at, a badge number would also help.

At worst he will have a note on his employment record about the complaint. It depends how far you want to take it.

August 23, 2021

I read the post. Everything I said I stand behind - I choose my social circle and it filters people for me - I don't expect to meet people who are bad news, first time or not, if my friends are bringing them along. Those are my standards for my friends. That's my standard for my social circle and that's how I minimise unnecessary people in my life and maximise happiness.

August 23, 2021

Not over reacting in the slightest!! Big difference between yes and no. From what you say it was a clear no, report him as we all have a duty of care to protect each other. This is not acceptable behaviour in any walk of life…. Kink or not!

August 23, 2021

You've done nothing wrong.

The Sub sets the limits and the Dom plays within them. Thats how BDSM works.

You told him no hair pulling, he did it anyway multiple times. You didn't agree to kiss him, but he tried anyway. You weren't on a kink session with him, you were on a night out, he has no reason to behave this way.

It's definitely worth saying what happened to you cousin and explain how you felt, cause he wasn't acting right at all

August 23, 2021

I appreciate everyone's in put. I knew prior to meeting W he was within police setting so would never have given it a thought to be in a dangerous situation. Obviously going no where near now. I have the feeling she may have let on I'd be game for a threesome with the odd comment he made. So I do worry what was said before I even got there :/

August 23, 2021

You set limits and W didn’t respect them. You shouldn’t feel like you were being over the top. Some one disrespected your boundary. Do not talk to these people and make sure you let his GF know of his actions.

August 23, 2021

This was 100% NOT you. You aren't being over the top, did not bring this upon yourself.

Period. No ifs, no buts.

People who would treat you or others this way, they have no place in this community.

August 23, 2021

This was not you hugs sweet. You were asulted. Just because he is in the police *** doesn't mean he could be trusted. Theres been ***s an serial killers who were in the police when there crimes were committed or had left the police ***.

Denise Nelson was a x police officer who ended up being a serial killer.

There waz a police officer this year who got sent to prison for ***ing a lady forgot there names

Having meet you personally your such a sweet kinf lady an I feel so sorry you have been violated. My pms are open.

Hope your hubby is looking after you

August 24, 2021

I would feel drained as well he practically ***d himself upon you there is a reason that the community uses Safe, Sane, and Consensual. I personally hope that this doesn’t ruin your lifestyle and that you can still be apart of the community. I’m so sorry you went through that.