The Big Wide (BDSM) World

[ey****]

there is the old joke

the best way to make sure someone doesn't read a thread is to make it a sticky

[TiberiusSicae]

Excellent post.  I do have to add this though (I've let our community down after reading this post by not saying this before)

 

Tinder has become flooded in the UK (probably everywhere) with men claiming to be "Alpha Dom" and behaving in many ways listed above.  I've unfortunately encountered a couple of people who have been subjected to their behaviour and taken the time to educate them as best as possible to a greater understanding of BDSM - mixed results but normally there's a "penny drop" moment for them.

Its hard to counter a rooted view someone has but extremely difficult if they have had a bad experience.

Being a Dom requires integrity and a deep acknowledgement of the responsibility required.  This is not something to be taken lightly and those that cannot do it should not hold this sacred title.  We have a duty to any and all s types and through education and communication those new and growing within the lifestyle can develop further.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, sparklepink79 said:

I also think people need to be aware of ***. What is *** and the different types of ***. Learning to self love, and the ability to say no is very important too. For me I'm always very warey of those who want to Dom 24/7. It may fit well and be what you are looking for, but when I have enquired further some if the demands are abusive. I am new to BDSM and learning through chat, research, books etc..., but I am not new to *** and red flags. There is a difference, please know it.

It's all tied together these 🚩 apply across the board, but your right, it's hard to know when things cross a line into ***..more awareness is definitely needed..thanks for pointing that out.

[Mz****]

2 minutes ago, TiberiusSicae said:

Excellent post.  I do have to add this though (I've let our community down after reading this post by not saying this before)

 

Tinder has become flooded in the UK (probably everywhere) with men claiming to be "Alpha Dom" and behaving in many ways listed above.  I've unfortunately encountered a couple of people who have been subjected to their behaviour and taken the time to educate them as best as possible to a greater understanding of BDSM - mixed results but normally there's a "penny drop" moment for them.

Its hard to counter a rooted view someone has but extremely difficult if they have had a bad experience.

Being a Dom requires integrity and a deep acknowledgement of the responsibility required.  This is not something to be taken lightly and those that cannot do it should not hold this sacred title.  We have a duty to any and all s types and through education and communication those new and growing within the lifestyle can develop further.

Thank you for adding your thoughts, it's very easy to feel impotent when we see the aftermath of these sorts of bad behaviours..I'm sure you haven't let anyone down, you've helped as you could, that's more than a lot have done..and you're speaking out now too.

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

there is the old joke

the best way to make sure someone doesn't read a thread is to make it a sticky

It's kinda true..but they're more likely to read if they can see it than scroll through pages and pages to find something they don't even know is there..can't win really 🤷‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

there is the old joke

the best way to make sure someone doesn't read a thread is to make it a sticky

I do, eyem! I read stickies and manuals and FAQs. 😳

[Phoenyx]

There is one aspect of this topic that has been hinted-at, yet not openly mentioned.  It is perhaps, the scariest aspect of this topic: the skilled manipulator.  I have often said, that one of the best skills that a Dom/me can have, is the ability to read and anticipate their sub.  Unfortunately, there are those who will use such skills for nefarious purposes.  They know exactly what to say and what gift to give, to make it appear that they are "the perfect match".  They can "read" when a sub senses a red flag, before the sub realizes it themself.  They will have the perfect answer already prepared.

Perhaps, the best defense in such cases, is to stay close to family and friends.  It may not necessitate disclosing the kinky aspects of the new relationship.  Just stay in touch with family and friends.  Those close will be able to sense any disturbing changes.  A Dom/me may hide certain things from a sub.  But, such things are often still visible from a third-party perspective.

However, there are those whose relationships with family/friends have become strained.  These folks are the ones typically targeted by the manipulative types.  Isolating their subjects becomes all-too-easy.  Unfortunately, this practice has become too-accepted in our modern world.  It is the same practice used by cults, terrorist groups, and certain secret government agencies.  For someone with little-to-no support from family or friends, the best advice is to explore one's dominant side.  Learn to read people, and stay one step ahead.  Once manipulators realize that they too, are being scrutinized, they will disappear back into the darkness from whence they came.   This may not be the desired fantasy.  Still, it can lead to a whole new road to discovery.

[Shenna]

22 hours ago, MzJax said:

Hey you..long time no see 🤗

Thank you..I know there's been similar posts about safety in the past but they slip down the forums and don't get noticed..the time feels right to rectify that.

Deffo long time no see, glad to see this post hun, it needs to be said.  X

[Mz****]

3 hours ago, Phoenyx said:

There is one aspect of this topic that has been hinted-at, yet not openly mentioned.  It is perhaps, the scariest aspect of this topic: the skilled manipulator.  I have often said, that one of the best skills that a Dom/me can have, is the ability to read and anticipate their sub.  Unfortunately, there are those who will use such skills for nefarious purposes.  They know exactly what to say and what gift to give, to make it appear that they are "the perfect match".  They can "read" when a sub senses a red flag, before the sub realizes it themself.  They will have the perfect answer already prepared.

Perhaps, the best defense in such cases, is to stay close to family and friends.  It may not necessitate disclosing the kinky aspects of the new relationship.  Just stay in touch with family and friends.  Those close will be able to sense any disturbing changes.  A Dom/me may hide certain things from a sub.  But, such things are often still visible from a third-party perspective.

However, there are those whose relationships with family/friends have become strained.  These folks are the ones typically targeted by the manipulative types.  Isolating their subjects becomes all-too-easy.  Unfortunately, this practice has become too-accepted in our modern world.  It is the same practice used by cults, terrorist groups, and certain secret government agencies.  For someone with little-to-no support from family or friends, the best advice is to explore one's dominant side.  Learn to read people, and stay one step ahead.  Once manipulators realize that they too, are being scrutinized, they will disappear back into the darkness from whence they came.   This may not be the desired fantasy.  Still, it can lead to a whole new road to discovery.

Thank you for this considered and very valuable response..I could not agree more.

[Deleted Member]

Long time MzJax It’s nice to see you again 😊 I have tried a multiple times to warned people from which are bad or what not to do and it’s unfortunate at time people get disrespectful when you try to help. I also I have mention to vet the person for a long time and not to leave the site since here you have everything msg, video calls( also long your are verified no need to be a paid member) and above all you have here place that you can be protective. These wannabe narcissist ***r Dom all the do it the whole love bombing; would give you everything you have always wanted from a partner without you asking but that’s just to get you were they want you before they start the ***. when you see a red flag just walk away because that’s protecting you from being harm later on. know what you want and don’t settle for anything less, read books about bdsm, and if you have question ask, don’t listen to a person that say their dominant that there’s no such things as a safeword or they going to do whatever they want because they’re the dominant just run and block that person.

[TiberiusSicae]

51 minutes ago, Amy4U said:

Long time MzJax It’s nice to see you again 😊 I have tried a multiple times to warned people from which are bad or what not to do and it’s unfortunate at time people get disrespectful when you try to help. I also I have mention to vet the person for a long time and not to leave the site since here you have everything msg, video calls( also long your are verified no need to be a paid member) and above all you have here place that you can be protective. These wannabe narcissist ***r Dom all the do it the whole love bombing; would give you everything you have always wanted from a partner without you asking but that’s just to get you were they want you before they start the ***. when you see a red flag just walk away because that’s protecting you from being harm later on. know what you want and don’t settle for anything less, read books about bdsm, and if you have question ask, don’t listen to a person that say their dominant that there’s no such things as a safeword or they going to do whatever they want because they’re the dominant just run and block that person.

This is really good advice about not leaving the site.

 

I'd like to add though that subs can be narcissistic too.  I was "persuaded" to close my profiles and then over three years suffered emotional and physical *** with my last long term relationship sub.  I'm still recovering from parts of it now and am even having to go to hospital for examination on something that the doctor thinks is caused by one of her abusive outbursts.

[Shenna]

11 minutes ago, TiberiusSicae said:

This is really good advice about not leaving the site.

 

I'd like to add though that subs can be narcissistic too.  I was "persuaded" to close my profiles and then over three years suffered emotional and physical *** with my last long term relationship sub.  I'm still recovering from parts of it now and am even having to go to hospital for examination on something that the doctor thinks is caused by one of her abusive outbursts.

I'm so sorry you went through this. It's a shame people in life as well as online can make us feel that way. 

 

[MaleswitchTiger]

This is why I run my own free bdsm educational learning group with topics and information things like this what’s been discussed at the moment in here where are trying to help guide people and try and keep them safe to watch out for fakes liars *** scammers the whole 9 yards and I do topics and information in roughly 8 other groups across the board on Facebook also with topics and information to help guide and keep them safe

[sp****]

@MaleswitchTiger is this group on Instagram? Sounds interesting 👍

[Mz****]

1 hour ago, sparklepink79 said:

@MaleswitchTiger is this group on Instagram? Sounds interesting 👍

It is, or was, a FB 'group' ran by maletigerswitch, who I have blocked..please conduct this conversation between your inboxes if you wish to exchange details.

[Deleted Member]

This is such a wonderfully important topic to bring up and really should be revisited regularly just to keep in the forefront of peoples minds, for newbies and experienced alike. Being as I've found myself in rather uncomfortable situations online, I'd like to add my two chain links into the discussion, some of which are piggybacking off a few points others have mentioned.

-Beware of the blurring of lines between chat and online play, especially if no pre-negotiations have been made. It's all to easy for a discussion of kinks can evolve into some type of pseudo-roleplay. Where things going from general talk of likes to the other person inserting YOU into their fantasies directly. Conversations go from "I like denying my sub orgasms" to "I'd not allow you to orgasm for X amount of time" to "Don't you dare orgasm until X time". In the heat of being horned up, this can seem like fun, but suddenly you have someone calling themselves your Dom and you're emotionally stuck between not wanting to disappoint (if that's the type of sub you are) and wanting to get out of the interaction altogether. What follows is usually a lot of the points already made on this thread. It's really best to try to maintain a clear boundary on chatting versus genuine interest in partnering up to play. 

-Avoid anyone with "few" or "no" limits. Like, this is just a huge red flag for several reasons. It shows and amazing amount of ignorance of self, one's sense of safety, one's actual understanding of their limits, the importance of proper and effective communication, understanding of the seriousness of kink and/or bdsm, laziness, etc. Whether Dom, sub, or switch, these folx should just be avoided.

-LEARN ABOUT THE OTHER SIDE! This think this one is especially important for subs since there often seems to be a lack of learning what quality Doms focus on from their perspective. I think a lot of red flags can be as bright as neon lights when you have an awareness of what good Doms focus on when interacting with a potential sub and that knowledge can be soooo valuable. Often there's a tendency to stick to learning about your own side of things, sub researching sub POV stuff, Doms researching Dom POV stuff. Safety, understanding, and communication is much easier when you have a wider knowledge of all the roles.

-Never be afraid to ask someone else you find trustworthy for a second opinion on someone else's behavior. Feeling some kinda way about a person, conversation, or situation, reach out! I'd sure there are plenty of experienced folx on here more than willing to lend an ear or helping hand.

-Get really ***y comfortably with safewords! Doms, subs, and switches alike! And USE THEM if you need to! It doesn't make you a bad player if you use them, even for stuff that might seem small. If you need a stop, STOP. (And this should also include being able to say No and Stop during regular conversations if you start to feel uncomfortable). Get as comfortable with safewords as ordering takeout on a Friday night. A Dom, sub, or switch should feel confident that their partners will use them when they are needed. If the person makes you feel bad for using them, toss that person immediately. 

-If there's an interest in irl or long-term relationship, make sure the person talks about things other than sex and kink. A lot of times, especially online, there's an illusion that there isn't a whole person on the otherside of the screen. For anything serious as irl or LTR, a liking for the PERSON needs to happen.

-And for Doms, be careful because subs can manipulate to. They can push your limits using emotional ***, put themselves in dangerous situations while maintaining that it's your responsibility, and even top from the bottom. While I do think subs are most *** in these kinds of situations, it's always good to stay vigilant for your own wellbeing, peace of mind, and safety.