Who has it easier, Dom/mes or subs?

[BigPolly]

 

Good morning. Firstly thank you to everyone that has welcomed me back after my time away from here. It felt strange coming back but the ones I consider ‘friends’ are still here & that made everything easy 🌞

 

Looking for answers and opinions….Who do you think has it easier subs or Dom/mes? And why? 

It’s a bit tricky question if you haven’t experienced it from both sides.

I have never (by choice) been in a Dom/sub relationship because the 2 relationships are so different that, for me I can’t combine the 2. So play has either been long term play, work or one offs. Maybe it’s that ‘short term’ thing that has always kept me shielded?! 

As a Domme I never remember my brain being this full. I remember it as, going to a session with my own very high expectations of myself & performing to the best of my ability which I knew I was more than capable of. 

As a sub that same basis is there but I have an endless running battle in my brain with myself that is on constant ‘Demand Avoidance’. 

If I was a ‘brat’ that would probably be the perfect way of thinking but I’m not so therefore handing over control whilst keeping control, in itself, is a very fine tightrope. But for me with that, I feel that the rewards are far greater, far more intense which makes me go back for more & choose to remain a sub.

I have a beautiful ND brain which 99% of the time I embrace, I’m aware that I see the world differently & I often think/process differently & I’m really good with that. I live in my own world & that place is as amazing as I am but 1% of the time I do think “I wonder how normal people do/think/see this?” 

Maybe my brain has cancelled out any tricky  Domme times. Or maybe it’s down to experience (or lack of). 
My first Dom used to have quite bad Dom Drop afterwards so I used to spend time showering him, washing his hair etc to make him feel better but I never remember going through that myself as a Domme. However I hate being faffed over so maybe if I did go through it I just dealt with it?! 

I’m aware from experience that the 2 are very very different & for me not comparable. We are all also wonderfully differently so no 2 opinions will be the same. 

But for those of you who have experienced both sides, what do you think? 

Edited September 3, 2021 by BigPolly

[Sissyboyslav]

I’m down with anything my master wants me to do. Anything! I’m a sissy that loves to crossdress into panties lingerie and being controlled and does anything my dom tells me to. I will listen so good and do anything you want me to do. I once had a dom put a chastity on me and took me to a nude beach while I was wearing a thong and chastity and told girls to play with me and do whatever they wanted

[ey****]

I think in terms of easier - I think - neither. It's just different.

I'll sometimes joke on film days, for example, that I have the easy job. I just have to lie down or sit down or be over a bench - whatever - say 'Yes, Mistress' a few times while she does all the work.  Depending on a lot of context, she might also be the one to have to come up with the bulk of the ideas.

But that still doesn't mean this whole thing doesn't have it's own challenges for me.

--

Likewise in terms of scenes I've done as a Dominant.  I think the subs have of course got to make sure they communicate what they'd like and wouldn't like and that can be tough.  That during the scene - yeah - I get a ***y workout, haha, but also have to be consciously watchful over them, making sure anything I'm doing isn't too much, remembering their limits - trying to of course be clear this is my entertainment while also making sure it's not boring for them.  

And of course, a duty of aftercare in subdrop - but often Dominant drop is something the Dominant also has to take care of.

[BigPolly]

1 hour ago, Sissyboyslav said:

I’m down with anything my master wants me to do. Anything! I’m a sissy that loves to crossdress into panties lingerie and being controlled and does anything my dom tells me to. I will listen so good and do anything you want me to do. I once had a dom put a chastity on me and took me to a nude beach while I was wearing a thong and chastity and told girls to play with me and do whatever they wanted

It’s not about doing what someone wants you to do it’s about how are you feel yourself, whether you find being a sub easy or more difficult mentally/physically than being a Dom. 

[BigPolly]

7 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

I think in terms of easier - I think - neither. It's just different.

I'll sometimes joke on film days, for example, that I have the easy job. I just have to lie down or sit down or be over a bench - whatever - say 'Yes, Mistress' a few times while she does all the work.  Depending on a lot of context, she might also be the one to have to come up with the bulk of the ideas.

But that still doesn't mean this whole thing doesn't have it's own challenges for me.

--

Likewise in terms of scenes I've done as a Dominant.  I think the subs have of course got to make sure they communicate what they'd like and wouldn't like and that can be tough.  That during the scene - yeah - I get a ***y workout, haha, but also have to be consciously watchful over them, making sure anything I'm doing isn't too much, remembering their limits - trying to of course be clear this is my entertainment while also making sure it's not boring for them.  

And of course, a duty of aftercare in subdrop - but often Dominant drop is something the Dominant also has to take care of.

I guess my post follows on from your Male/Female post really but I also had a wobble this week which made me question myself yet I never remember questioning myself as a Domme. 
I think because I’m a control freak being a Domme came naturally & taking into consideration the needs of others seemed easy but I have to work harder to keep my mind at sub level.

I think you’re right when you say it isn’t harder or easier it’s just different 😊

 

 

[ey****]

A lot can also depend on dynamics

An "I'll do anything sub" can often create more work for the Dominant as they either have to coerce information from them or micromanage them

whereas a sub who is proactive and proactively looks at ways to make their Dominants life easier might have to be more forward thinking, responsive, proactive 

[Ar****]

Hi Polly, glad to see you back 😊

I strongly suspect that there is no cut and dried answer - that some subs have it easier, and that some Dom/mes do too, and that that is largely down to each individual's dynamic and partner/s. It's an interesting notion though, I'm quite curious to learn whether there is a slight "lean" too.

Although I've never been in a sub relationship I have had sub experiences, and whilst I recognise that is completely different to a full-on dynamic I personally found those experiences much easier. I was able to switch off, place myself in somebody else's hands, and had very little I needed to concern myself with. That's a very two-dimensional assessment, I'm aware.

As a Dom, I can't switch off. As anchored and controlled as I am in some aspects, in others I can't help but feel lost sometimes (depending greatly upon the situation and dynamic, of course). There is tasking myself to learn my sub's nuances, their likes, their dislikes, their limits, their wants and fantasies, how to read and interpret them, how to reassure them. There is the concern that they might want to go further than they are ready for and don't realise it, the constant calculations of mutual (consensual) risk vs reward circling, damage mitigation - mental and emotional as well as physical - to perhaps consider. Where a dynamic is long-distance there are considerations over the effectiveness of available forms of communication, how to still make them feel safe, protected, loved, wanted, whatever the particular dynamic entails.

In short, it's the taking responsibility for another which I find a "bigger" thing. That's why I can find it stressful or tough at times. But I wouldn't swap it for anything, because when they feel safe in your arms and have placed their trust to be *** with you and to give them what they needed in that state, there is no better feeling.

[BigPolly]

14 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

A lot can also depend on dynamics

An "I'll do anything sub" can often create more work for the Dominant as they either have to coerce information from them or micromanage them

whereas a sub who is proactive and proactively looks at ways to make their Dominants life easier might have to be more forward thinking, responsive, proactive 

See I always found a sub that is too proactive to be quite hard work as I felt like they were trying to set the rules about what they did & didn’t want doing to them. 
 

[ey****]

1 minute ago, BigPolly said:

See I always found a sub that is too proactive to be quite hard work as I felt like they were trying to set the rules about what they did & didn’t want doing to them. 
 

that can also be down to context for sure

so in my head for example - being able to get up in the morning and - I dunno - housework is all done and they heard you moving so stuck breakfast on kinda thing (I know this is an overinflated fantasy - but - I've seen some do it) it's one thing.  But yeah, I can also understand how it can be extra work in it's own way.

Especially if we get into lovebombing* territory

(*lovebombing is a form of doing excessive and frequent nice things in order to kinda manipulate a response.  I recall a story of a sub who'd fell out with his Mistress and she just needed a little space and instead he responded by sending flowers to her weekly.  Which of course wasn't to be nice or to make it up but to prompt her to get in touch with him to say "Hey, thanks for the flowers") 

[BigPolly]

9 minutes ago, Aranhis said:

Hi Polly, glad to see you back 😊

I strongly suspect that there is no cut and dried answer - that some subs have it easier, and that some Dom/mes do too, and that that is largely down to each individual's dynamic and partner/s. It's an interesting notion though, I'm quite curious to learn whether there is a slight "lean" too.

Although I've never been in a sub relationship I have had sub experiences, and whilst I recognise that is completely different to a full-on dynamic I personally found those experiences much easier. I was able to switch off, place myself in somebody else's hands, and had very little I needed to concern myself with. That's a very two-dimensional assessment, I'm aware.

As a Dom, I can't switch off. As anchored and controlled as I am in some aspects, in others I can't help but feel lost sometimes (depending greatly upon the situation and dynamic, of course). There is tasking myself to learn my sub's nuances, their likes, their dislikes, their limits, their wants and fantasies, how to read and interpret them, how to reassure them. There is the concern that they might want to go further than they are ready for and don't realise it, the constant calculations of mutual (consensual) risk vs reward circling, damage mitigation - mental and emotional as well as physical - to perhaps consider. Where a dynamic is long-distance there are considerations over the effectiveness of available forms of communication, how to still make them feel safe, protected, loved, wanted, whatever the particular dynamic entails.

In short, it's the taking responsibility for another which I find a "bigger" thing. That's why I can find it stressful or tough at times. But I wouldn't swap it for anything, because when they feel safe in your arms and have placed their trust to be *** with you and to give them what they needed in that state, there is no better feeling.

Thank you, I noticed the other day that you were still here when I saw you had replied on something else 😊

Your reply shows me just how differently my brain works. 
Almost everything that you have written in your reply is completely opposite to how my brain sees it 😂

As a sub I just can’t switch off, maybe it’s because I’m still quite new at being a sub but my brain is non-stop wittering on in a way in the background. 

As a Domme my brain was clear cut, I knew what I had to do, what I needed to take note of, any signs I needed to look for etc. It was all so natural.

How funny that I’ve opted for an option that doesn’t come easy to me but in taking that role I am finding the rewards are greater. 
 I definitely don’t want to feel loved or protected so I’m already making life easy in that respect …. I’m not even sure I want to feel safe 😂

[BigPolly]

5 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

that can also be down to context for sure

so in my head for example - being able to get up in the morning and - I dunno - housework is all done and they heard you moving so stuck breakfast on kinda thing (I know this is an overinflated fantasy - but - I've seen some do it) it's one thing.  But yeah, I can also understand how it can be extra work in it's own way.

Especially if we get into lovebombing* territory

(*lovebombing is a form of doing excessive and frequent nice things in order to kinda manipulate a response.  I recall a story of a sub who'd fell out with his Mistress and she just needed a little space and instead he responded by sending flowers to her weekly.  Which of course wasn't to be nice or to make it up but to prompt her to get in touch with him to say "Hey, thanks for the flowers") 

Eewwwww ‘lovebombing’ sounds like my worse nightmare 😂 you’ll be using the word ‘sensual’ next….I hate that word 😂

and flowers would be a surefire way of me not getting in touch with someone….. wow today I’m really learning how different I am from everybody else 😂

[ey****]

See, I wrote this being aware that I'm being careful not to lovebomb someone.

Then I started questioning if I have ever been manipulative in doing so

[BigPolly]

3 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

See, I wrote this being aware that I'm being careful not to lovebomb someone.

Then I started questioning if I have ever been manipulative in doing so

I’m a misanthrope so there’s never a danger of me lovebombing anyone. In fact the more I say it the more I keep cringing 😂

but as with everything else, not all of our kinks are the same and there’s nothing wrong with that

[Deleted Member]

Overall sub got easier than Dom.
Sure they face lots of weird messages and some unpleasant too. Some make mistakes that will prob scare them, make them think about leaving the site and lifestyle.
Doms need to constantly messaging, being eloquent, being funny, being persistent to show interest, have lots of imagination, show their skills, prove their are worth while the sub mod with her head or sent some lols and shy imoji. Or just stop chatting altogether because the other Dom is more fun.
Once the sub and Dom are considering a Ds, the Dom keep hard work, find new venues, play sessions, new toys, pushing the sub boundaries, teaching new kinks, feeding the Ds relationship with new challenges… while the sub just wait in anticipation…

[BigPolly]

1 minute ago, FabSeverus said:

Overall sub got easier than Dom.
Sure they face lots of weird messages and some unpleasant too. Some make mistakes that will prob scare them, make them think about leaving the site and lifestyle.
Doms need to constantly messaging, being eloquent, being funny, being persistent to show interest, have lots of imagination, show their skills, prove their are worth while the sub mod with her head or sent some lols and shy imoji. Or just stop chatting altogether because the other Dom is more fun.
Once the sub and Dom are considering a Ds, the Dom keep hard work, find new venues, play sessions, new toys, pushing the sub boundaries, teaching new kinks, feeding the Ds relationship with new challenges… while the sub just wait in anticipation…

Ok, I have never come across a sub during my time as a Domme who just nodded his/her head & was shy & as I sub that couldn’t be any further from the description of me.

Surely it is down to a sub to show their worth as much as it is down to a Dom/me to show their worth? 

Also with one of my Doms it was down to me to find a venue and provide play equipment. After all no one want sloppy seconds on well used equipment 😂

I think providing humour and conversation is down to personality not down to the role someone takes on. 

[ey****]

yeah - switch me has different challenges

So. There is a sub who I was playing with before lockdown and we're probably going to sort something later this year.  Some of my above challenges apply.

And there's a couple of others where, something might happen - and yep there's all the challenges within play - but then also outside of play : kinda the maintaining that I am someone submissives would trust and want to play with.  There is another lady I do need to pick back up with because she did give me - ooh - she is a lesbian and had a fantasy of submitting to a man.  So, obviously her asking me was a super big thing for me (everyone is important. everyone.  but, you can see why...this felt different) I mean, it was play and no sex etc. but still, I know it's something that is charged and sexual.  As part of this she was happy to be tied down and me have full access to her feet which she knew is something I would find sexual.

But submissive me.

I also want to impress Dominants I like.  That they, well...

I mean, I love filming and I'm so fortunate many people like to film with me and so it is still work to keep up my reputation and so on.

But, actually as well.  I don't want relationships that start and end with 'action' and 'cut'.  I want to be more than that. And that's work. That is difficult. I have to prove I'm someone folk would want to go for dinner or coffee with afterwards and for some of the big events or opportunities want me to accompany them - and that's hard.

Especially if this is someone where there are other subs competing for attention.    And I don't mean the whole "100 subs to 1 Domme" bullshit - but in any scenario. If someone has 2 subs available and an opportunity for 1, someone is going to miss out.  

[so****]

As a switchy Dom, I have far less stress as a sub. When I'm dominant in a dynamic, it's so much responsibility, so much stress. So no question for me, subs have it easier. Unless of course, they are unfortunate enough to get tangled up with one of those *** Dom(me)s who don't respect limits & boundaries. Then it's a while other level of difficulty.

[BigPolly]

2 minutes ago, sonofthunder777 said:

As a switchy Dom, I have far less stress as a sub. When I'm dominant in a dynamic, it's so much responsibility, so much stress. So no question for me, subs have it easier. Unless of course, they are unfortunate enough to get tangled up with one of those *** Dom(me)s who don't respect limits & boundaries. Then it's a while other level of difficulty.

Wow this is madness that everyone’s perception is the opposite of mine.

I’m so glad I asked the question now.

Ok so no one gets me 😂 but I am totally loving everyone else’s perspective 

[Deleted Member]

I think for me a Dom has it harder. When I know a scene is going to happen that day. I think about the scene and what I’m going to do all day. So I’m stressed because I want the scene to be great right. So my mind wanders all day, about what and what I’m going do first, etc etc… I send messages to my sub all day to make sure she is ready so her mind can be clear. I think about my expectations and how my communication needs to be clear and precise. I need to make sure I watch for her limits at the same time pushing those limits. I think that’s why Dom drop is so hard on me because of the expectations I put on myself through out the day. My mental state of mind is jacked up after. I know for sub she is willing and ready to please but that doesn’t mean I will ever overstep her limits. Through conversation with my sub through the day. She is so happy and cheery. I’m my mind I’m thinking why aren’t you as stressed as me.. Lol. I think I just put so many responsibilities and expectations on myself to care for my sub through out the scene and the day. I hope this all makes sense I just rambled on some.

[BigPolly]

16 minutes ago, GranLoboMalo said:

I think for me a Dom has it harder. When I know a scene is going to happen that day. I think about the scene and what I’m going to do all day. So I’m stressed because I want the scene to be great right. So my mind wanders all day, about what and what I’m going do first, etc etc… I send messages to my sub all day to make sure she is ready so her mind can be clear. I think about my expectations and how my communication needs to be clear and precise. I need to make sure I watch for her limits at the same time pushing those limits. I think that’s why Dom drop is so hard on me because of the expectations I put on myself through out the day. My mental state of mind is jacked up after. I know for sub she is willing and ready to please but that doesn’t mean I will ever overstep her limits. Through conversation with my sub through the day. She is so happy and cheery. I’m my mind I’m thinking why aren’t you as stressed as me.. Lol. I think I just put so many responsibilities and expectations on myself to care for my sub through out the scene and the day. I hope this all makes sense I just rambled on some.

This makes perfect sense as it’s exactly how I am….but as a sub. 
Maybe my expectations of myself are just too high? Plus I’m an ‘overthinker’ 
From a subs (personal) perspective, don’t fret too much over limits, that’s what boundary conversations & safe words are for.

If my limits were ever to be reached (no one has pushed that far yet) then I don’t view that as a negative, I view it that someone was able to have the confidence to push me that hard & that in itself is erotic. 

[Deleted Member]

@BigPolly- I’m a firm believer we are always growing and honestly I never hit a subs limit because I’m always pushing them to grow as we can grow together in the Dom/sub dynamic. Of course as said above aftercare is the most important when pushing those limits.. I respect you for taking the time to write this and too even switch to a sub dynamic. Thank you for sharing

[BigPolly]

9 minutes ago, GranLoboMalo said:

@BigPolly- I’m a firm believer we are always growing and honestly I never hit a subs limit because I’m always pushing them to grow as we can grow together in the Dom/sub dynamic. Of course as said above aftercare is the most important when pushing those limits.. I respect you for taking the time to write this and too even switch to a sub dynamic. Thank you for sharing

I’ve often played differently, many of my sessions have been one offs & none have been long term so for me there’s never been any  ‘growing’.
I’m also horribly independent so the thought of growing with someone doesn’t do much for me. And aftercare is something I like to go away & take care of myself, I can’t cope with anyone faffing over me & definitely not hugging me but I know that’s me, my brain can only cope with certain contact in certain situations. Something I could get away with as a Domme but seems weird to many for a sub to be like that.
So maybe that is why I put everything I have into the build up & into play & maybe that is why I found being a Domme easier 😊

[TeeJay_98]

 

4 hours ago, FabSeverus said:

Overall sub got easier than Dom. Doms need to constantly messaging, being eloquent, being funny, being persistent to show interest, have lots of imagination, show their skills, prove their are worth while the sub mod with her head or sent some lols and shy imoji. Or just stop chatting altogether because the other Dom is more fun.
Once the sub and Dom are considering a Ds, the Dom keep hard work, find new venues, play sessions, new toys, pushing the sub boundaries, teaching new kinks, feeding the Ds relationship with new challenges… while the sub just wait in anticipation…

I believe that neither s or D have it easier than the other. Both SHOULD be working equally as hard as the other to keep things going. 

It seems that your talking from a personal experience - ' stop chatting altogether because the other D is more fun'... Not all subs talk to a number of Ds at one time. 

As for the D needing to be 'funny, have lots of imagination, skills and prove their worth' - surely this goes for s types aswell? If funny and imaginative is what the s wants from the D... Surely they will make that clear and be on the same wave length?  If the s is replying with just 'lols or a shy emoji' I'd say they weren't interested. Maybe you weren't what they were looking for? Surely if you were - they'd make more effort? 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

 

As for the rest of your comment about finding new venues, toys, play sessions and boundaries, that should be on both sides... No s I know will just sit and nod, or just wait in anticipation, waiting to be told what they are doing, where they are going, what they will be taught... there has to be some sort of conversation and agreements etc. 

Some s do need a little more guidance than others but subs do have a voice and opinions...if they want to learn something new, a new toy or push a boundary surely thats something that's spoken about, not just decided by the D... Like I said previously... BOTH/ALL parts should be working equally as hard to make things work. 

[CopperKnob]

It's subjective no? Based on experience/personality/character/context? I can't see it being a hard and fast rule?
My personal experience as an s-type;
In the moment, I found it tough, communication, vulnerability, overthinking and i relate to what you say about yourself, im also a very no nonsense person, no 'lovebombing' etc generally so all the above was difficult in terms of needing to let someone in. Add into that being new and needing to understand/manage my wants v needs...
But on the flip side, having reflected, for an in/experienced D-type that must be hard to manage in terms of control/patience/balancing their needs against mine, I think that theres a lot of responsibility
Effective communication/explanation I think helps?

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, TeeJay_98 said:

 

I believe that neither s or D have it easier than the other. Both SHOULD be working equally as hard as the other to keep things going. 

It seems that your talking from a personal experience - ' stop chatting altogether because the other D is more fun'... Not all subs talk to a number of Ds at one time. 

As for the D needing to be 'funny, have lots of imagination, skills and prove their worth' - surely this goes for s types aswell? If funny and imaginative is what the s wants from the D... Surely they will make that clear and be on the same wave length?  If the s is replying with just 'lols or a shy emoji' I'd say they weren't interested. Maybe you weren't what they were looking for? Surely if you were - they'd make more effort? 🤷🏼‍♀️ 

 

As for the rest of your comment about finding new venues, toys, play sessions and boundaries, that should be on both sides... No s I know will just sit and nod, or just wait in anticipation, waiting to be told what they are doing, where they are going, what they will be taught... there has to be some sort of conversation and agreements etc. 

Some s do need a little more guidance than others but subs do have a voice and opinions...if they want to learn something new, a new toy or push a boundary surely thats something that's spoken about, not just decided by the D... Like I said previously... BOTH/ALL parts should be working equally as hard to make things work. 

50/50 all the way, it’s like any relationship vanilla, D/s or even friendship.
Sometimes there has to be a bit of leeway to one side from time to time but that’s normal.
Communication is a big one 🦆 xx