For Subs Not Interested in ***d Bi/Cuckolding/Feminisation/Toilet Play/Dirty Body Parts

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

So everyone who isn’t getting what they want should change their ways - except you?

What are you trying to say that I should engage in the sexual acts mentioned in the title that I personally find revolting? What about if I don't want to? Does my consent not matter?

 

6 minutes ago, DuchessFeuille said:

Can you see how you could learn from this, instead of listening to the one voice that agreed with you?

Because I'm not living the rest of my life kowtowing to the voices that say I must be subservient and simply accept my lot. If I get nothing, I am not obliged to lick boots and be content with that. I feel the way that I feel and that's not going to change not for you, not for anyone. I am entitled to feel that way and you can't berate me for my own personal feelings.

[ge****]

7 hours ago, BlushingFlush said:

Then quit defending the other argument, think about your own side for a change.

Why should I change when I'm perfectly happy how things stand, and understand that sticking to *my* values and principles may mean I can't find what I want?

It's not a case of defending, or attacking, anything - more being realistic and accepting that some people I won't be compatible with and that, even if I were inclined to, it's pointless bemoaning that fact. Something you'd do well to take on board, as your whole premise appears to be that there are people looking for things that are not for you, and they're in the wrong for it.

Yes, finding what you are looking for isn't easy, particularly for guys on sites like this where men outnumber women by quite a stretch - but after years of using sites like this I can tell you that the guys that do well are those that "get" it and accept they're not for everyone, nor is everyone for them, and who focus on those that are a good match rather than those who aren't.

[ge****]

6 hours ago, BlushingFlush said:

Because I'm not living the rest of my life kowtowing to the voices that say I must be subservient and simply accept my lot. If I get nothing, I am not obliged to lick boots and be content with that. I feel the way that I feel and that's not going to change not for you, not for anyone. I am entitled to feel that way and you can't berate me for my own personal feelings.

No-one is saying you *should* do those things - of course you're not obliged to do anything.

*All* people are saying is that you have to accept that *some* people won't be looking for the same things as you and that when you come across them to accept it and move on.

No-one is asking you to change either - just to focus your attentions on finding those you do match with rather than those you don't.

[qu****]

Regarding munches it pays to first join an online group that hold munches, chatting with them, whether about spanking or the weather, you usually find a friendship will develope with one or more of the members who will then invite you to join them at a munch, most are usually held in public bars/pubs, so although it's a relatively "clean" evening youre able to chat openly with others, and as they already know a bit about you from online so all will be more relaxed

[ey****]

you don't have to be subservient. (I'm not subservient to my wife...) 

in fact - if that's not your thing, then going down that route you're not going to be happy

but as I say, flipping the coin - someone who wants a partner who is submissive, subservient, so on - isn't going to be happy going down a route they are not happy with

But, like... honestly... I know finding a partner is difficult and I know the frustration of finding someone seemingly perfect, or likely to be very suitable, and then there to be a kicker that rules you out - I totally empathise.   And, it sucks.   I know.

and, absolutely, your experiences are valid.  Though my but here is, they're not the only experiences.

I don't have all the answers, genuinely wish I did some days - but, I dunno - changing direction doesn't mean changing who you are.  

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

you don't have to be subservient. (I'm not subservient to my wife...) 

in fact - if that's not your thing, then going down that route you're not going to be happy

but as I say, flipping the coin - someone who wants a partner who is submissive, subservient, so on - isn't going to be happy going down a route they are not happy with

But, like... honestly... I know finding a partner is difficult and I know the frustration of finding someone seemingly perfect, or likely to be very suitable, and then there to be a kicker that rules you out - I totally empathise.   And, it sucks.   I know.

and, absolutely, your experiences are valid.  Though my but here is, they're not the only experiences.

I don't have all the answers, genuinely wish I did some days - but, I dunno - changing direction doesn't mean changing who you are.  

Eyem, I don't think this particular OP is that interested in your sage advice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[Deleted Member]

4 hours ago, gemini_man said:

Why should I change when I'm perfectly happy how things stand, and understand that sticking to *my* values and principles may mean I can't find what I want?

Because you're letting the team down. that's why.

 

Quote

No-one is asking you to change either - just to focus your attentions on finding those you do match with rather than those you don't.

There aren't any. I know where I stand.

 

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

and, absolutely, your experiences are valid.  Though my but here is, they're not the only experiences.

Those experiences don't have a bearing on my own.

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Dragonflylover said:

Eyem, I don't think this particular OP is that interested in your sage advice. 🤷🏻‍♀️

he's not, no. 

But. My advice isn't for him.  It's for, anyone who is kinda also feeling a little frustrated that it's 'impossible' - that, there's always another way.  That folk shouldn't change themselves down a path they're not happy with, but that they have to also be measured that their fantasy/expectations are realistic.    That there is no real need to lower standards if it means compromising happiness.   But, also an acceptance that it might take time, and effort and doing different things in order to forge connections (and also, sometimes people do change their minds - that they might have wanted a sub or a Dom or a partner or someone to meet specific criteria but finding somebody who there is a connection with that some bits are less important or whatever - but a default of trying to get people to change their minds is never going to work, just as me changing the OPs mind is never going to work - but it's not for him. It's for the subs who actually want to meet somebody.)

[ge****]

1 hour ago, BlushingFlush said:

Those experiences don't have a bearing on my own.

I respectfully disagree - I think our experiences *both* have similarities in as much as we've not found what we are looking for - the difference being I accept the reasons I may not have and accept that I won't be compatible with the vast majority of people but focus on the minority that I will be.

You're absolutely right that you shouldn't be expected to change what you want or are prepared to accept - the problem appears to be that you expect others to do just that to meet your needs.

[He****]

19 hours ago, footguy2021 said:

I agree sites full of delusional women. It's the case of I want I want I want nobody unless they are desperate are going to follow this bs. Majority of people on here have failed loads of relationships the other half are hookers. Lady's lower your expectations as you will be on here till you're dust

I have neither had loads of failed relationships, and I'm sure as hell no Hooker. I would never lower my expectations of what I want and need for myself, you start doing that and you meet the abusive Doms and nobody needs that,  and the only reason I'll be on here until dust, is for the friendship side of it. I have an amazing Dom and we have a great relationship, for just shy of a year now.  I also saw the comment you earlier deleted about calling the site Fattish instead. Seriously mate, that's body shaming and that it BS and not on. I'm not skinny nor young, but I can rock my lingerie and produce some ***y good photos to boot. How about you be a nicer person. My body is just fine, and so is everyone else's if you don't like the look of someone scroll on by, nobody asked you to drop in. 

[Deleted Member]

21 hours ago, footguy2021 said:

I agree sites full of delusional women. It's the case of I want I want I want nobody unless they are desperate are going to follow this bs. Majority of people on here have failed loads of relationships the other half are hookers. Lady's lower your expectations as you will be on here till you're dust

Interesting. As you posted an ad looking for women who would fuck you that evening. Did you find anyone "hooker" enough for you? Not lowering my expectations to your level, thanks all the same.

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, Hels1920 said:

I have neither had loads of failed relationships, and I'm sure as hell no Hooker. I would never lower my expectations of what I want and need for myself, you start doing that and you meet the abusive Doms and nobody needs that,  and the only reason I'll be on here until dust, is for the friendship side of it. I have an amazing Dom and we have a great relationship, for just shy of a year now.  I also saw the comment you earlier deleted about calling the site Fattish instead. Seriously mate, that's body shaming and that it BS and not on. I'm not skinny nor young, but I can rock my lingerie and produce some ***y good photos to boot. How about you be a nicer person. My body is just fine, and so is everyone else's if you don't like the look of someone scroll on by, nobody asked you to drop in. 

You absolutely rock your photos 😁 I didn't see the deleted comment, but interesting coming from man who self-describes as "curvy". Glad you're happy in your dynamic!

[He****]

4 minutes ago, Dragonflylover said:

You absolutely rock your photos 😁 I didn't see the deleted comment, but interesting coming from man who self-describes as "curvy". Glad you're happy in your dynamic!

Thankyou, I am

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

the problem appears to be that you expect others to do just that to meet your needs.

And how did you get that idea?

[ge****]

1 hour ago, BlushingFlush said:

And how did you get that idea?

From pretty much everything you've said on this thread to be honest.

Rather than taking on board the valid points people have made about acceptance that others may have different interests to you and be perfectly entitled to them, your core message appears to be that they're in the wrong somehow.

[so****]

Far left politics are unfortunately quite prevalent in BDSM. It sucks. I avoid pc culture as best I can lol I'm not politically correct at all. If someone's feelings get hurt tough shit. Life's not fair. Nobody ever said it was. Hurt feelings are a part of life. But I get what you're saying. I'm not into that shit either. *** in general I just cannot understand on a psychological level. I cannot do it as a Dom. It hurts me to have to treat women like that. But it does seem that men like it more than women. It's a strange world out there. Idk. Lol

[Tenant]

Could you just all admit that life is kinda hard sometimes and move on? Lol

[Deleted Member]

2 hours ago, gemini_man said:

From pretty much everything you've said on this thread to be honest.

Rather than taking on board the valid points people have made about acceptance that others may have different interests to you and be perfectly entitled to them, your core message appears to be that they're in the wrong somehow.

No I said they wouldn't understand my perspective. The same thing seems to apply to you.

 

38 minutes ago, sonofthunder777 said:

Far left politics are unfortunately quite prevalent in BDSM. It sucks. I avoid pc culture as best I can lol I'm not politically correct at all. If someone's feelings get hurt tough shit. Life's not fair. Nobody ever said it was. Hurt feelings are a part of life. But I get what you're saying. I'm not into that shit either. *** in general I just cannot understand on a psychological level. I cannot do it as a Dom. It hurts me to have to treat women like that. But it does seem that men like it more than women. It's a strange world out there. Idk. Lol

Best comment so far. Economically, I am a leftist or centre-leftist but mostly annoyed by this overly sensitive cultural mindset that seems to obstruct a dynamic interchange (within the parameters of "reasonable" discourse of course, for example you should be shut down for suggesting some sort of ethnic eugenics through some sort of genocide for example). If a submissive wishes to be treated like that fair enough but as you will probably agree with me, you can't impose extreme degrading acts on a fetish practice if you have to find a way Stockholme syndrome your partner into it. It's weird to me how the ones that vigorously defend the "enthusiastic consent model" and that the idea that there are no blurred lines within communicating consent (within reason) that would defend such an ideal.

[ey****]

28 minutes ago, BlushingFlush said:

If a submissive wishes to be treated like that fair enough but as you will probably agree with me, you can't impose extreme degrading acts on a fetish practice if you have to find a way Stockholme syndrome your partner into it. It's weird to me how the ones that vigorously defend the "enthusiastic consent model" and that the idea that there are no blurred lines within communicating consent (within reason) that would defend such an ideal.

See

There's bits where I agree with you and bits where you miss the point.

So we can all agree that some people are into it - and that's no problem.

If a sub is doing things they're really not into or interested in because they feel they have to - they are going to be unhappy.   That is pretty much true.  

It's also likely they wrongfully dropped some of their own caveats.

There is also the idea of "doing things for your Dominant" which is something some people are more into than others a kinda "I'm not into it, but you are, and me doing this for you makes you happy and that makes me happy" but that doesn't even have to be kink related and doesn't have to be sub related. It could be a Dominant letting their foot fetish sub at their feet because they enjoy how happy it makes them down there - or it could be a partner going to a gig, club or sport event for their partner cos they know how much it means to them - there might be compromise down the line I guess, and of course there's limits within that ("go to the pub if you want, but I don't like the bar so go with friends") 

But in terms of consent, consent can include doing things outside your own likes.  And different people have different stances on how soft or hard their limits are (there's stuff I'm not doing for anyone, soz, but there's stuff I'd do for someone if it made them happy and if I otherwise enjoyed the time together.)

Though something going back to your first point - it feels interesting - that there are so many guys who are not only into the things you listed but are actively looking for Dominants into that and struggling to find them - subs who'd love to be sissified/feminised - subs who would love to be used as a toilet - subs with cuck and bi fantasies and so on - it does feel strange you can find all these women and these poor guys who want that can't. 

[Deleted Member]

1 hour ago, eyemblacksheep said:

But in terms of consent, consent can include doing things outside your own likes. 

Yeah I'm not disputing that. I'm disputing whether someone does something out of their own likes because they want to please another or if it's the result of some sort of psychological *** / Stockholm syndrome that they feel they "must" do this thing, or that they "owe" it to another to do things that are essentially against their wishes. That's the grey territory you end up on when you command people to do things for you that they don't like because you may not understand the reasons they are fulfilling these orders.

Edited September 22, 2021 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

9 minutes ago, BlushingFlush said:

That's the grey territory you end up on when you command people to do things for you that they don't like because you may not understand the reasons they are fulfilling these orders

Which is why communication and mutual understanding is important

I will do this thing because...

a) we both enjoy it (or I enjoy it)

great, perfect - amazing

b) you enjoy it even though it doesn't interest me

fair, it's doing it for someone

c) it makes you happy even though I don't like it

ok, fair - but maybe not too often

d) you think I enjoy it, but I don't

communication is going wrong here

e) I'm afraid I'll lose you if I don't

this is bad

f) I'm afraid of what you'll do if I don't

this is potentially abusive

-

there's obvious exceptions like

"do your fair share of the house work"

"but I don't enjoy it"

"No, but it's part of running a household" 

-

but certainly in d-f above there is something wrong in the relationship and the person affected needs to communicate if appropriate, or get out

but this also feels quite different to your original points

[Deleted Member]

Just now, eyemblacksheep said:

Which is why communication and mutual understanding is important

This is the whole reason why rational and enthusiastic consent theories are not the air-tight models their advocates present them as. Communication can be highly vague or even arbitrary, for example you haven't been able to fully understand my points thus far in the conversation. Additionally, asking consent and attempts to communicate clarity around consent can be interpreted as a way of "badgering" someone to let you do this thing, especially when done repeatedly. I would argue that dominants who repeatedly have to stop and check on their submissive to gauge how they feel about performing certain tasks and communicate frequently could be pushing expectations onto their submissive. There definitely isn't an air-tight consent model.

[ey****]

1 minute ago, BlushingFlush said:

There definitely isn't an air-tight consent model.

No, there's not.

And I think that is something folk have to be aware of.  

I think enthusiastic consent is a nice idea but there's so many pitfalls to it (such as in the moment you don't want someone to keep asking you questions and - ideally, consent shouldn't be sought after play starts anyway) which is why it's important to communicate up front.

But also - if discussing it is important to kinda say no to what you don't want to do - and if someone does feel like they're badgering for a response - then do you even still want to play with them ?

But it's important not to let "there is no perfect model" be the enemy of "good practices" 

[Deleted Member]

8 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

But it's important not to let "there is no perfect model" be the enemy of "good practices" 

I'm not saying don't do good practice, I'm just pointing out not everyone knows what good practice is when they start out. Also, I think if good practice wasn't vocally and rhetorically moralised on by culturally sensitive kinksters many of the practices they enjoy, like the ones I listed in OP would probably be illegal. Because you just couldn't sufficiently and continually gauge if a submissive was genuinely into such extreme sex acts without pulling your hairs out to discover what's on the submissive's mind.

Edited September 22, 2021 by Deleted Member

[ey****]

Can you write that again in English please?