How to fail at meeting women on Fet and how we women go from giving a duck to not.

[CopperKnob]

Thanks to all, either side if the slash for making this what it was not, a bickering/whinging post. The stark reality is as follows
There IS a percentage of males here that send unsolicited messages. All excerpts are from messages i've truly received
Are there females who do the same? Probably, but I write about my experience, not those of others
Do these types of messages cause females to be sceptical of any male sending a message? Yes we are
Do the genuine males here get a rough deal because of their dodgy counterparts because of it? Yes they do
Do the genuine females here get a rough deal because we get disheartened by it all? Yes we do
It any of it fair? No its not
Is it reality? Yes it is

BUT
Don't blame the chicken when the egg came first, blame the males that have created the situation and don't come at me when i'm writing a satirical post, essentially laughing about the situation
If i wanted to call specific people out I would in a private message, thats not what this post was about
BUT
If its hit a nerve so much so that you need to write obnoxious posts, maybe have a think about what you can do to change facts

[Deleted Member]

We can't change anything, ourselves. But if there are more stringent membership requirements, maybe there wouldn't be as many men posing as women, trying to scam real members. That might make men a little less desperate, and they won't talk to the real female members as if they're all whores and scammers. That might make the women more willing to chat with the men who initiate conversations.

[ey****]

1 minute ago, Fidget said:

We can't change anything, ourselves.

So you accept defeat.

1 minute ago, Fidget said:

they won't talk to the real female members as if they're all whores and scammers.

they could try not speaking to people like they're scammers

and not use slurs like "whores"

2 minutes ago, Fidget said:

That might make the women more willing to chat with the men who initiate conversations.

Or the men who initiate conversations could up their game being aware of the low bar, rather than making excuses?

[Deleted Member]

That, too. But more exclusive requirements might weed out some of the young idiots and older creeps, who probably don't want to pay or go through verification.

[ey****]

this is getting a bit left field - buuuut

there's a lot of advantages to verified profiles.  But, in some ways it's about accessibility of information.   That someone can read these threads and magazine articles and so on, and get what people are saying - and are able to learn from the community - without having to pay, without having to verify, without anything else - I think is a good thing

the side effect of that is that it makes it easier for scammers, and whatever to sign up

Also, and, for good reasons - a lot of people are wary about verification and handing over IDs and so on because there's a lot of scams go on there.   

[Deleted Member]

Yeah, I understand that. Maybe an introductory charge, in the manner of a trial, for both the member and the site, and afterward, you can decide to become a free member or pay for the extra benefits. I get your point about reluctance to put down a credit card for a site that you don't even know if it's good, or good for you.

[Deleted Member]

The mostly blank profiles with no pics who contact members are an issue. It's bad enough that many "members" have stock photos. How can you relate to someone, if you don't know anything about them?

[ey****]

1 hour ago, Fidget said:

How can you relate to someone, if you don't know anything about them?

there was something I wrote earlier, then deleted - which ties in with that

and this is a massive point 

so this asks the question... if you (or anyone) stumbles on a profile and there's really not much to go on.  What attracts you (them) to send a message?  There's nothing you can really "well this person seems cool" or "hey, we've got that in common" - it's shooting into the trees again

and if what attracts the person to message is "they're female and someone I've not message yet" that does come over a little desperate.

 

[Deleted Member]

I remember it. I think I "liked it."

[Potur78]

Probably not, it needs to be based on something in their profile, a commonality. So as we on fetish dating side all profile have subjects about sex and what they like so we (men's) start conversation with sex subject

[Potur78]

Morganna you are absolutely right and there more to say about this

[Leisa]

9 hours ago, BlushingFlush said:

First, are you saying guys are not supposed to mention sexual interests in their profile or are you exclusively referring to first message?

Second, most women on here have so little information on their profile that the only thing you can really ask is what they're interested in - kink or non-kink related - because even that basic information is either not provided or fully expounded upon.

Some of the self-identified intellectual women have so much information on their profile that once you've scrawled through the mandatory thousands of words + essay reading and got to the bottom there's actually nothing left to talk about anymore because you basically know everything.

It seems this may not be the right site for you. Do you want blank profiles that leave everything open to discussion or full profiles that narrow down the pool to someone who may hold common interests with you? Frankly, your contributions to this thread sound like bitching and moaning.

[BigPolly]

7 hours ago, Potur78 said:

Probably not, it needs to be based on something in their profile, a commonality. So as we on fetish dating side all profile have subjects about sex and what they like so we (men's) start conversation with sex subject

You wouldn’t walk into a fetish club & just start talking to the people at the bar about sexual subjects, or show people your dick. You’d strike up a ‘normal’ conversation, have a drink, admire what eachother is wearing, get to know people first etc so why is would you approach anyone any differently just because you have a keyboard & a screen between you.

 

[Deleted Member]

3 hours ago, Leisa said:

Do you want blank profiles that leave everything open to discussion or full profiles that narrow down the pool to someone who may hold common interests with you?

I explained this in my reply already, it's about profiles that have the kind of information you can actually respond to and work with dynamically

 

3 hours ago, Leisa said:

Frankly, your contributions to this thread sound like bitching and moaning.

Everyone always feels entitled to give anecdotes against my experience when I'm the OP I just felt like doing the same thing. Be grateful OP is in the majority viewpoint on this site and she's not being overwhelmed with conflicting experiences to hers at all on this thread. But support and solidarity from everyone that agrees with her.

[CopperKnob]

5 minutes ago, BlushingFlush said:

Everyone always feels entitled to give anecdotes against my experience when I'm the OP I just felt like doing the same thing. Be grateful OP is in the majority viewpoint on this site and she's not being overwhelmed with conflicting experiences to hers at all on this thread. But support and solidarity from everyone that agrees with her.

Blushingflush, I've never read or commented on one of your threads let alone in a negative manner, why you feel the need to do so on mine I've no idea
Who are you to say I'm mot feeling overwhelmed? I'm not by the way, I'm able to see your type of response for what it is
The fact that my viewpoint is in the majority should speak volumes

[Potur78]

You wouldn’t walk into a fetish club & just start talking to the people at the bar about sexual subjects, or show people your dick. You’d strike up a ‘normal’ conversation, have a drink, admire what eachother is wearing, get to know people first etc so why is would you approach anyone any differently just because you have a keyboard & a screen between you.
I am telling again we are on fetish dating side not in bar of course this doesn't mean show dick pictures to everyone but this little bit this fold "bigger is better" so they show their assets to others to get easy laid and guess who is fold is this? Man or women???

[Deleted Member]

5 minutes ago, CopperKnob said:

Blushingflush, I've never read or commented on one of your threads let alone in a negative manner, why you feel the need to do so on mine I've no idea

Nothing to do with you personally. I'm just kind of bored with this sort of subject from OP.

 

Quote

Who are you to say I'm mot feeling overwhelmed? I'm not by the way

Well there you go, I was correct.

By the way, being overwhelmed and feeling overwhelmed are two different things.

Edited September 25, 2021 by Deleted Member

[BigPolly]

13 minutes ago, Potur78 said:

I am telling again we are on fetish dating side not in bar of course this doesn't mean show dick pictures to everyone but this little bit this fold "bigger is better" so they show their assets to others to get easy laid and guess who is fold is this? Man or women???

A fetish club isn’t just ‘a bar’ there are people there to play but that doesn’t mean people should approach others without showing respect. 

Fetishism isn’t all about sex. A fetish dating site should be approached with respect just like anywhere else.
And if are simply being told ‘bigger is better’ then you are talking to the wrong people. What about those who have a micro penis, can’t get their dick hard, women who sleep with women, Asexuals…..all still part of our community. 

 

[we****]

😂 spot on

[Je****]

Oh wow this post went south very fast.

 

As for the initial point it WAS funny, simply because it rings true, I've personally related to every point mentioned in the starting comment.

 

Sadly it is a true reality of men approaching women on here. Now some women do also display this behaviour it's simply not picked upon as much due to the 70/30 male/female ratio. 

 

Some women don't have filled out profiles simply due to either being new, usually in it for personal gain as opposed to connections, or they are getting a feel for what it is about here. If you cannot find anything on a woman's profile that gives you a conversation starter or kink compatibility then surely you would be messaging them off physical appearance alone? Or simply for the fact they may be local to you? I can't think of much else as to why someone would message if they thought the profile was boring or they don't have similar interests. My profile is very detailed NOW as to what I want and don't want, which doesn't seem to make a difference to unwanted advances, but when I first started on here my profile was pretty basic, heck even before I had a profile pic I was getting inappropriate messages. But I stuck around and I am glad I did. 

 

This being said the thread does come across as a 'men are the problem' kind of vibe and that is true, along with some of the women. Both are to blame to be honest. But that being said, while the post took a curve ball I think it is still good to have here. 

Men can read and see (usually if they're genuinely interested in this lifestyle) what to do and what not to do. It may make them question their reasons for advancing and also how to spot real or scam female profiles. Genuine people won't mind reading through forums and getting a feel for things. 

Verified profiles can help massively, even though some of them are real, some not. But it can make a difference to someone's peace of mind. 

 

This place is a dating site, a community, an information and learning centre as well as a lifestyle. Most don't seem to realise this and join with the intention of a quick hook up and rightly pointed out above, BDSM is not all about sex. There is soooooo much more to it. Good point on the dick size comments and 'sexuals' (be it demi, pan, A and so on). There is definately more to here than people join with the expectation of. 

 

As I previously said I personally think the only way to weed out time wasters, scammers and trolls, is to put a full check upon joining and have all verifications done straight off the bat. But I don't think this can happen realistically despite the possibility of it making this a more genuine place. 

At the same time those who wish to genuinely be here and connect with people, they will stick around and learn fast, the same way those in it for a quick fuck or to troll, will leave just as fast. 

 

It does suck that women get this from a lot of men but I personally have met one partner in the year I've been here, still strong but due to this 'problem' I have been too put off and afarid to try and connect with another as they soon change mood and tone into poilte to you're a whore or frigid for not putting out after the 5th message. While my view on some men on here is dishearted I have also made friends with a good lot of men (mostly straight men for the mention sake of the men - women interest of this post) and they are people I hold dear. I see and hear their struggle to connect with genuine women and some have even been tarred at 'creeps' for simply asking what a girl is into. This is due to the majority putting those women off, thus making these wonderful men miss out on opportunities. 

 

But I do believe that if people stick around and make effort in this lifestyle to make friends, learn and progress then you can meet any one who's perfect for you. It may take a while, it may happen tomorrow but at the end of the day those timewasters you aren't going to miss and they'll be off bothering someone else. Same if a woman tells you to fuck off just for saying hello, then you have had a lucky escape. 

 

I hope I haven't offended anyone, I do believe this post is accurate and funny but also addressing a dark reality of (mostly) women's experiences. But it won't be forever the case for women, nor is every man 'bad news'.

[Deleted Member]

I don't find anything offensive in your post, although some of the previous posts have been out there; not only missing the original point, and taking subsequent discussions in a bizarre direction. Everyone should do their due diligence before sending or responding to do their own vetting. But, maybe there should be a site-generated introductory message, along the lines of "I saw your profile (or picture) and would like to chat. Please, check out my profile, to see if you'd be interested." That might eliminate some of the more offensive messages.

[ey****]

21 minutes ago, Fidget said:

But, maybe there should be a site-generated introductory message, along the lines of "I saw your profile (or picture) and would like to chat. Please, check out my profile, to see if you'd be interested." That might eliminate some of the more offensive messages.

you mean

the spank function?

[Deleted Member]

No, more than that, because don't you send a spank when you like a photo? I think it is, and just because I like someone's pic in Quick Kink doesn't mean that I want to contact them, or vice-versa. (Often because of distance, but for other reasons, too.)

[ey****]

28 minutes ago, Fidget said:

No, more than that, because don't you send a spank when you like a photo? I think it is, and just because I like someone's pic in Quick Kink doesn't mean that I want to contact them, or vice-versa. (Often because of distance, but for other reasons, too.)

no - a spank is going directly onto someone's profile and choosing to spank them as an icebreaker

[Ar****]

11 minutes ago, eyemblacksheep said:

no - a spank is going directly onto someone's profile and choosing to spank them as an icebreaker

But it doesn't work for most profiles because free members cant see who sends them spanks. It is nothing but a trap to get people to buy memberships.